Jaebum walks into a café, pauses right underneath the door frame, his own frame shivering. It's not even cold outside. One barista at the counter welcomes him in with a blinding smile, but he only catches it out of the corner of his eye, not really interested in buying anything today. Opts instead to shove through the crowd of people in the front, muttering soft apologies through the scarf covering his mouth. Sits down at a table in the corner, picking up a menu that no one ever uses because there's the big menu on the wall behind the cash register.

His shoulders relax, finally allowing himself to breathe in the mixture of coffee and sugar and spice in the air. You made it, Jaebum. He doesn't know why he's here.

His thumb traces the edges of the menu, sort of admiring the embossed borders and silently giving approval to the font choice. He's always kind of been a stickler for that stuff. She had been too, he thinks, a tiny smile hovering on his lips.

He glances down at the menu.

.....

 

He's furiously typing away on his laptop, simultaneously cursing at himself for leaving his midterm paper to the last minute while also getting himself hyped on caffeine. Jaebum is lucky that this café is open 24 hours so university students like him could actually have a chance at passing his classes.

"Hi, sorry to disturb you," a female voice resounds next to him. He looks up, taking out one earbud. "Would you like a refill? It's on the house," she smiles, gesturing to his empty cup. He glances at the time on his laptop. 2:04am. How is someone this chipper this late at night?

"Uh yeah," he manages to say. It sort of comes out as a grunt. "Thanks."

When she returns with his cup so steamy that it fogs up his glasses, she asks him whether he needs anything else. "Actually, yeah," he says, and immediately after, he regrets it. Oh well. "How is it like to work the night shift at this hour? How are you even alive?" He looks at her incredulously. Her hair is neatly pulled back, medium length side bangs framing her face. Not a hint of exhaustion.

She shrugs. He catches a glimpse of the name badge on her front pocket. Hyejeong. "I mean, I only work this late of a shift on Wednesday nights. So it's manageable." She's fidgeting with the edge of her dark blue apron. "I guess I shouldn't distract you anymore... good luck with your paper," she grins, and he watches her walk away, the steam still clouding up his glasses, embarrassingly enough.

Jaebum eventually survives the midterm slump by frequenting the coffee shop a lot more often, telling himself that the ambient noise in the café makes him focus better than the pin-drop silence in the libraries. Totally not going because along the way he's discovered that this Hyejeong girl also works the Tuesday and Thursday afternoon shifts. He also discovers they go to the same university.

One day, when he's particularly stressed, a random barista shows up at his table with a caramel macchiato. Jaebum raises an eyebrow. He always orders just plain coffee; he's a simple man when it comes to his caffeine. "It's on the barista," the girl says, cocking her chin toward the counter. He follows her line of vision, and he sees Hyejeong laughing, giving him a thumbs up. "She says it's one of her favorites, so she wanted you to try it too," the girl next to him continues.

"Thanks," Jaebum says.

He orders caramel macchiatos a lot more from then on. Sweet, just like her smile. Sickeningly sweet.

.....

 

His scarf unravels a bit, falling loosely around his shoulders. He can still taste it - caramel on his lips and the words "I like you" on his tongue, the day he finally confessed. It had been their second official "date" outside the café (a little change of scenery doesn't hurt), and Hyejeong had met him at the bus stop, hurriedly shoving the drink in his hands because she knows how late he stayed up that night studying. I don't know how you know what I need, but you're amazing, he had said, venturing to mess up her hair a little bit. They were sitting side by side on the bus when he said the crucial three words, and both of them couldn't hide their wide grins when she said them back.

He doesn't know how else to describe what happened afterward besides, well, classic. Just the way he imagined it to be in the movies - a little idyllic, a little mundane, a little excitement, a little heartache at times, but a lot of happiness.
 

.....

 

Hyejeong is the type of girl to sneak kisses on his cheek when he naps. She is the type to bicker with him over his occasional horrid fashion choices, serving as his personal stylist at times, fingers straightening out his collar or sliding his glasses over his nose. She is the type to steal his notes to look at because even though she's studying finance and economics, she somehow knows almost everything in his film studies curriculum because she's just that smart. Gorgeous, and intelligent, to boot.

Sometimes he doesn't know what he has done to deserve someone like her.

("I'm free after my finals tomorrow!" She exclaims over the phone, momentarily forgetting her exhaustion.

"Sounds good, where -"

"I really want to -"

Pause. "Heh, sorry you go first," and he can practically hear the sheepish grin on her lips.

A chuckle. "I was just going to ask you how and where you wanted to celebrate. After you're done studying and taking your exams, of course."

"Um, yeah. I was thinking Lotte World? Haven't been there in ages," she gushes.

Jaebum doesn't want to tell her that he's been there way too many times due to his little cousins' insisting on going every break. "Okay, that's a date." The squeal that resounds from the other side of the line almost gives him a heart attack, but the good kind, if there was ever any such thing.)

 

(Yes, there must be such thing as a good heart attack, because his heart is racing way more than should be humanly possible, and oddly he is loving every second of it. Hyejeong is currently eating blue and pink-colored cotton candy, and some of it got stuck in her hair. Yes, very good-kind-of-heart-attack-inducing, believe it or not.

"How does that even happen," he murmurs to her as he softly picks the candy out of her hair.

She shoots him a glare. "Whatever." And she continues absentmindedly looking around the game booths, once in a while shoving a piece of cotton candy into . Jaebum only shakes his head, slinging an arm over her shoulders and pulling her close.

She feeds him some cotton candy too, just because.)

 

(When he walks her back to her dorm late at night, he surprises himself by suddenly embracing her in a hug for a good five minutes. At first, she stiffens at the sudden display of affection, but gradually she melts into his arms.

"What are you doing," she mumbles into his chest, her voice muffled by his shirt.

"Shh," he whispers, chin resting on her head. "Just..."

"Just, what?" She giggles a little bit, and he wonders if today is the day he finally goes into cardiac arrest.

He inhales softly. "Just...I love you a lot, Hyejeong." The cheesiest smile is on his face and he almost cringes at his confession. But it's Hyejeong, and with Hyejeong there doesn't seem to be a limit to how cringeworthy he can be, and he's okay with It.

Her hands reach for his, and he marvels at how her hands can be so gentle and sturdy at the same time. Barista hands, he thinks fondly. He rubs her palm, fingers tracing over her callouses.

She's beautiful.

"I love you, too, idiot," she laughs, bumping her nose with his. She has to tip-toe to do so, and it's irresistibly cute.

Needless to say, it is the start of an amazing summer. Just like the movies, classic.)

.....

 

He never really drank them much himself - caffe lattes. But it's something he always heard of people getting, and perhaps that's his weakness - always caring a bit too much about what other people think. It was indeed an amazing summer, and an amazing school year after that, and even after they graduated from college they managed to hold on for a little bit. But that was it. Holding on to a thread that was thinning out way too quickly.

He doesn't know. He thinks he held on too tightly because he was afraid. Afraid to lose the love of his life, this girl who was and is so out of his league, so he did everything he could do make her stay. Make her want to stay.

It wasn't enough. Soon their feelings sank like dripping-down espresso and only the bitterness was left.

.....

 

Jaebum is the type of boy to look confident on the outside, but only as a shell to hide the insecurities on the inside. He is the type to pretend to sleep because he knows that Hyejeong will sneak kisses on his cheek, and he can't seem to get enough. He is the type to be spontaneous but more often than not excessively over-plan just in case.

(Just in case she doesn't love him anymore.)

 

(They're at a fancy restaurant in a small reserved room in the back, cliché candlelight dinner complete with red wine and the best cuts of steak in town.

"Wow," Hyejeong breathes, taking in the white lilies in the center vase and the lights strung across the room. "What's the occasion? Am I missing something?" Her eyebrows are furrowed.

"I don't need a special day to do all this, do I?" he answers, looking shyly down at the table.

"Oh, well, I mean -" she stops.

"Do you not like it?"

"No, I love it," Hyejeong assures him. "It's just that," she says quietly. "You don't have to plan all these fancy and exquisite things all the time."

He's a bit taken aback. "It's not all the time," he refutes.

She opens , about to say something, but decides against it. She offers him a smile. "Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Jaebum."

He watches as she quietly cuts her steak. Watches, until his own steak grows cold.)

 

(Now they're lounging around in her living room, her hair in his face and his legs tangled with hers. The TV is on low volume in the background, broadcasting some new variety show.

They're unusually quiet today. Not that they are the type of people who constantly need to talk in order to be comfortable, but the tension in the air is thick enough to slice through. He can tell she's distracted.

"Hyejeong," he whispers, caressing her temple and some wisps of hair out of the way.

"Hmm?"

"Anything wrong?"

A pause. She looks up at him briefly, and he wonders if he's imagining the thin film of tears in her eyes. "I like us like this, Jaebum. We haven't done this in a while."

He tries to think. "Done...what?" He inwardly slaps himself.

She forces a small smile. "Just being normal. Like this." She clasps her hand in his, her skin a lot of softer now that she no longer has her side job at the café. "Normal."

Normal? He smiles. He guesses it has been a while, considering with how busy they've been at their new jobs. They've come a long way from their college days.

"Normal," he echoes.)

 

(He doesn't know what's wrong with him that his heart is still unsettled by the fact that them being "normal" isn't enough, why he can't trust that Hyejeong is telling the truth.

One day, he shows up at her door again, this time dressed neatly in a suit.

She opens the door, still in sweatpants and a t-shirt. "Jaebum," she utters, eyes wide. "You didn't tell me you were coming today."

The atmosphere quietens.

"I mean, it's not like you aren't welcome, of course," she stumbles over her words. "It's just that - wow. A suit."

He grins. "If you have time today, I'd like to take you out to dinner."

"Wearing that?" She raises an eyebrow. "Exactly how fancy is this place?"

"It's okay, don't worry about it. Just change into something simple -"

"Jaebum." Her voice comes out strained.

He stops mid-sentence to notice the way she's running a hand through her hair in frustration.

"You know I love you, right?" She says softly. "You don't have to prove yourself to me. You don't have to plan all these exquisite outings and dinners just to win over my heart, to keep me with you. Just be yourself. Be that guy in the café pulling all-nighters. Be that guy who makes me laugh when we're just lazying around. Be that guy I fell in love with." She exhales deeply.

"I don't -"

"I just -" she interrupts, sighing. "I don't know what's going on. I know you have good intentions and all, and I really do have good feelings for you, but honestly..." She's tearing up now. "Honestly, It's getting a little suffocating."

His heart is racing again, but this time for all the wrong reasons. Suffocating? He's horrified at himself. "Hyejeong, I don't quite understand - but I'm trying to - I just, I'm so sorry," he stutters.

"No, no, it's okay," she whispers. A long pause. He holds his breath. "I think we need some space, Jaebum." And the pained look in her eyes is enough to make him want to engulf her with his arms, but he knows now is not the time. She's already half-hiding behind the door, and that's when he knows that tonight's dinner plans are out the window.

"I see," he simply replies. "I see."

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Good night, H-Hyejeong."

And he walks away, still dressed in his suit, tie a bit crooked, confused smile on his face a little cracked, his heart even more so.)

.....

 

It was a slow fall-out, so slow that he hadn't even been perceptive enough to realize it until it was too late. Until he realized that maybe all that time when he'd thought that he himself wasn't enough and that he had to add extra to make up for it - maybe all that time he'd been wrong.

He lets out a resigned laugh. Funny how sometimes trying too hard can be your downfall.

"Excuse me, sir?" A voice interrupts his thoughts. He looks up, taking in the sight of a barista with her hair neatly tied back and medium-length side bangs framing her face. She looks achingly similar to Hyejeong. "Would you like to order anything?" She asks.

He blinks. The ache in his chest only grows bigger. He doesn't even have to look down at the menu. "One tall americano, please."

 

.....

Their break-up is not really anything about which to go into much detail. It simply ends with a goodbye, after a couple weeks of agonizing over how to love her more and how to love her less. Somehow he needed to figure out the perfect paradox, the perfect balance between loving her and not suffocating her. But even the times that they did meet had lost their spark. Nothing was the same.

Maybe they were growing older. Maybe they finally realized that they were holding each other back.

"Bye, Jaebum." Tears glisten in her eyes, and he can't help himself but to reach down and wipe them away.

"Bye, Hyejeong." He wraps her in one last embrace, trying to memorize the way her torso fit snugly in his arms.

When they pull apart, he peers into her eyes. Do we have to? His heart constricts.

I don't want - but, I think - I think we should. Her eyes seem to reply, her chin dipping down for a brief nod. It's for the best.

And so he nods in return, his hands letting go of her shoulders, just as he hopes that his heart will one day let go of her.

(One day. But today is not that day.)
 

.....

 

By the time the barista comes back with his Americano, he's too choked up to properly say thank you. Almost burns his tongue taking the first sip. Ah, the bitter aftertaste.

 

(Bitter, just like the aftermath of them - Jaebum and Hyejeong, Hyejeong and Jaebum.

After years of caramel macchiatos and loving Hyejeong and falling in love with her all over again like the first time he saw her at 2:04am that fateful night, you'd think that he wouldn't be accustomed to the strong bitter taste.

He isn't, but he still drinks it willingly, and maybe that's his problem.)

.....

Hyejeong is the type of girl who is a little too lovable.

Jaebum is the type of guy who loves too much.

There are days like today when he still wonders how she's doing, whether she ever got that pay raise or that job position she'd always wanted, whether she knows that he refuses to go to Lotte World anymore even when his cousins pester him, whether she still drinks caramel macchiatos, whether she ever stops to think of him sometimes.

.....

 

He gets up from his table in the corner, wrapping his scarf around his neck again. Takes a good look around, notices that the big menu in the front had changed a little since his university days. Also notes that the baristas' aprons had changed from a dark blue color to black.

Things have changed, he thinks to himself.

Jaebum walks out the door, shivering again, even though it's still not cold outside and the Americano in his hand is still hot enough to fog up his glasses.

"Have a nice day, come again!" The cashier shouts cheerfully as he leaves.

He almost scoffs, a bittersweet smile tugging at his lips.

 

.....

(He doesn't plan on coming back ever again.)