“I knew I’d find you here.”

 

Heaving a sigh, you close your eyes as you let the cool evening breeze gently hit your face. You let yourself bask in the cold feeling against your skin. The night is quiet, the only sounds around you coming from the crickets chirping and leaves rustling in the silence.

 

It’s a complete contrast from the loud and bustling evenings in the city, and you find yourself enjoying the peaceful ambiance around you. It’s been a while since your life has been this quiet and peaceful, and you intend to enjoy it to the fullest.

 

Feeling a hand rest on your shoulder, you slowly open your eyes, turning your head a little to look at the person who decided to barge in on your ‘me’ time. And your heart almost putters to a stop in utter fascination despite the raised brow and the judgmental look being directed at you.

 

Internally rolling your eyes at your own reaction, you redirect your gaze forward, focusing on the distant horizon. Ugh, this is why you hate feelings. Holding back another sigh, you push your tummy a little more against the cold metal railings surrounding the rooftop to ground yourself.

 

There’s that familiar burning slowly creeping into your heart again, occupying the void that’s been sitting there for the longest time. It ignites the flame of regret and heartbreak you thought you’ve completely doused long ago. Seeing her in person again after a prolonged time of separation proves to be harder than you initially thought.

 

“Hey stupid, you’re gonna get sick staying out here only wearing that,” she says as she stands beside you and leans against the metal railings too.

 

Looking down at your choice of outfit – a thin silk robe over a tanktop and a pair of pajama bottoms – you shrug your shoulders at her in response. You won’t get sick, you think to yourself, as you cross your arms over the metal railings in front of you.

 

“It’s fine,” you say, shivering a little at the cool breeze that rolls by. Your skin breaks out in goosebumps underneath your robe. “I’m used to the cold, doofus. I won’t get sick staying out in this getup.”

 

From the click of her tongue, you know that she disagrees. But you also know that she knows not to argue with you on this. Because she knows that if she does, it’ll start a whole debate between the two of you that could take hours to resolve.

 

You have the urge to smirk when you see her back down, opting instead to close your eyes as you take in another deep, calming breath. She just rested her head against your shoulder after letting out a defeated sigh. It might not be obvious because you’ve long since mastered the art of acting annoyed by her every move, but having her this close totally unnerves you.

 

The smell of autumn and a hint of something uniquely Seungwan slowly fills your senses. You take in a deep breath, taking comfort in letting the scent you’ve come to associate with her burn your lungs.

 

Silence reigns for a while, enveloping the both of you as you bask in each other’s warmth. It’s been a while since the two of you have been this close, no thanks to you and your innate tendency to run away as soon as things show even the slightest signs of getting complicated.

 

“Though it pains me to admit it, and because it seems like you’re still a huge and won’t even come close to saying it first, I’ve missed you, you big idiot,” she says after a while, shattering the silence surrounding the two of you like fragile glass.

 

Gritting your teeth to stop yourself from screaming at the unfairness of it all, you take in a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. Seungwan shifts beside you, but otherwise keeps her head resting against your shoulder. Your traitorous heart skips a beat at this.

 

“Really?” you start sarcastically, trying hard to suppress a giggle when you feel her grab your arm in a tight grip. “Why, goodness me, I think the world is ending! You just admitted to missing me first! And without prompting, even!”

 

“Yah! You’re really such an annoying rascal even now. You infuriate me so much, Park Sooyoung.”

 

Seungwan tells you this along with a resounding slap to the arm. It stings a little, but seeing the adoring glint in her eyes beneath the annoyed facade she puts up has you smirking and winking at her exaggeratedly.

 

She rolls her eyes in faux annoyance and delivers a flick to your forehead that, although didn’t hurt, still made you flinch at the slight sting.

 

It’s your turn to roll your eyes at her in feigned annoyance as you cross your arms over your chest and turn to face forward again. You hear her sigh in a mix of frustration and affection before she sidles up against your side, so that the two of you are back to your previous positions once more.

 

“I missed you too, you big baby,” you tell her, resting your cheek against the top of her head when you feel her shiver against you.

 

You’re not the type of friends who are often physically affectionate with each other. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the two of you started out as being each other’s biggest rival before gradually becoming friends.

 

But there were times when the two of you did feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and affectionate with each other. And those moments only increased with time, as you got to know each other better throughout the years.

 

It wasn’t like how you were with Yerim, or how she was with Seulgi, but still, you’ve come to appreciate and treasure those moments with her. She had even drunkenly confessed one time how she enjoyed being with you too.

 

And after going so long without so much as being able to poke her on the cheek to annoy her made you realize just how much you missed her.

 

You missed being able to be this close to her, getting lost in the comforts of her touch. You missed getting lost in your own bubble when it’s just the two of you like this. You missed letting her addicting scent drown your senses until she takes over your very thoughts.

 

You missed this.

 

You missed her.

 

How time flies. It’s been three years since you fled the country, with your heart completely shattered from the regret of your own inaction. It’s been years, yet the ugly, ugly feelings are still taking root in your heart, forever haunting you even in your sleep.

 

You grit your teeth once more, when you feel her reach for your hand to hold it in hers. This is new. She never initiated hand-holding whenever it’s just the two of you like this. And the same can be said of you. It sends your heart to a full overdrive as you bite your lips hard to conceal your fluster.

 

Her skin is warm and soft to the touch, just as you remember it to be, and it takes all of your self-control to stop yourself from lifting your joined hands to your lips to kiss the back of hers.

 

“You’re so unfair, y’know,” she says in a breathy whisper, pinching your arm a little and prompting you to furrow your brows at the sudden aggression.

 

“What the hell did I do?” you ask, even though you kinda have an inkling of what she’s talking about.

 

You’re not going to be the one to bring that up though. Not yet, atleast. Not right now. Your pride and ego can’t take another blow. Especially not something of that scale. You could only sigh, completely, utterly, undeniably defeated.

 

Besides, she’s the one who turned the conversation this way. So she better be the one to bring that up if she wants to talk about it, because you absolutely positively wouldn’t.

 

“, you promised I was gonna be the first one you’d tell when you were going back, but why is it that I was the last to find out?” she complains, upset, squeezing your arm painfully tight.

 

Grimacing at the sharp pain, you take a hold of her hands and pry them from your arm, rolling your eyes at the apologetic look she sends your way when she notices the angry red marks on your skin. Sighing in annoyance, you slightly push at her forehead with the tip of your forefinger.

 

“And you’re such a brat. Haven’t I apologized for that already?” you tell her with a sharp look that makes her frown adorably.

 

It takes all of the self-restraint in your body to not just lean in and kiss away the creases forming in her forehead as she furrows her brows. You can only sigh internally at this.

 

You definitely can never tell her that you wanted to prolong your meetup for as much as you can. It would have most definitely hurt her feelings had she found out.

 

And though you would rather die than admit that you’re anything but annoyed by her most times, you absolutely abhor the idea of her getting hurt. Especially by yourself. You’ve done way too much damage in the past already. You can’t possibly add more to your sins.

 

“Besides,” you continue, smiling at her wryly as memories harshly assault your thoughts one by one. “Didn’t I make up for it already with this road trip? What else do you want?”

 

She scoffs at this, along with sulkily admitting that you are correct before pouting like the huge baby that she is. The sight of which is enough to soothe and warm your aching soul, even though you laugh at her on the outside.

 

Letting your arms fall to your sides, you face forward again, redirecting your gaze towards the horizon. Slowly, silence creeps in between the two of you once more, leaving you to stew in your thoughts.

 

You start thinking back to the events of the past couple of days, and how Seungwan had coerced you into this road trip of sorts. It was the only way to make it up to her for not keeping your promise, she had told you. So, to appease her and to indulge yourself one last time, you agreed.

 

She only gave you three days to socialize with your family and old friends, before she dragged you to your room and started packing your stuff for you. The packing took longer than expected, mainly because the two of you kept bickering over every single thing.

 

And now, three days later, here you are at a hotel in Jeju. This is the last destination on your “trip” before the two of you head back to Seoul the following morning.

 

It would be hypocritical of you if you said that you didn’t enjoy the past three days that you’ve spent with her. And how you felt both hopeful yet dreadful when the trip eventually comes to an end.

 

Because these past few days had that looming feeling of finality to them. One that you think you’re still not ready to accept just yet.

 

“Hey, doofus,” you call out to her softly, closing your eyes and basking in the chill of the passing breeze.

 

“Yes, ?” she responds with a playful lilt in her voice that has you chuckling in both infuriation and amusement. She really does know how to push your buttons well.

 

Letting out another sigh – which you seem to be doing a little too much this evening – you press your cheek against the top of her head again as you turn back on what you said to yourself earlier and finally, finally tell her what you’ve been keeping from her all these years.

 

“It may be hard to believe, but I was really, honestly, whole-heartedly in love with you, y’know,” you tell her in an almost whisper.

 

You were tempted to deliver it in a teasing manner, but it didn’t feel right to confess something that heavy jokingly so you held back any snide remarks for once.

 

You don’t know where you got the courage to finally tell her that. But the thought that this might possibly be the last night you’d get to spend with her like this filled you with so much adrenaline, gave you such a rush, that it had you revealing your feelings to her even before you realized what you were saying.

 

Unfortunately, your heart and brain are in sync tonight, and your brain-to-mouth filter seems to not be working. You feel your lungs burn for oxygen as your heart putters to a stop, before it starts beating in overdrive the next moment.

 

When you feel Seungwan lift her head from your shoulder, you slowly turn to the side to take a good look at her. Her lips are set in a straight line, and she’s staring at you with the fire of rage, resentment, and heartbreak burning so intently in her eyes.

 

She looks at you with so much intensity, with so many feelings clashing and raging like a storm in those usually calm eyes, that it totally unnerves you, sending a paralyzing shiver down your spine.

 

After a moment of just staring right into each other’s eyes, you’re shaken from your daze when tears begin to slowly spill down her cheeks. It was a slow trickling at first, the tears rolling one by one as she refused to look away from you.

 

But then, her tears begin to pour, her sobs beginning to intensify until her body starts shaking. And then the most heartbreaking sound you’ve ever heard in your entire life falls from her lips – so resentful, so hurt, so broken – that your eyes begin to spill tears of their own.

 

Of course. It’s all your fault. You were hurting, but you also ended up hurting her too.

 

With shaky hands, you reach for Seungwan, gently pulling her against you and encasing her in a tight hug. Together, under the millions of stars blanketing the dark night skies, the two of you shed tears borne out of regrets, heartbreak, and what if’s.

 

You didn’t even have to say anything for her to understand the words that you can never utter out loud. And the same applies for you, because you know the feelings and words she wants to convey even without her saying a single word.

 

You don’t know why, but your mind takes you back to almost a decade ago, when Seungwan was still that adorable annoying twenty-two-year-old girl who used to cling to you like a koala when drunk.

 

On the night of her twenty second birthday, while celebrating with all of your friends, she made a joke in passing. One where she said that she’ll probably just marry you when you’re both still single after you turn thirty.

 

Maybe it’s because you just celebrated your thirtieth birthday yesterday that this particular memory resurfaced. But still, it sends some more tears rolling down your cheeks as you hug her a little bit tighter.

 

With about ten years of rivalry, and another fifteen years of rivalry and friendship, you and Seungwan have been through so much together. All of your memories, both fond and solemn, have her in them. You can’t even remember a time when the other woman wasn’t a part of your life.

 

And with someone as innately beautiful as Seungwan, it was kinda difficult to not fall in love. Over the past couple of years, you’ve witnessed people fall for and have their hearts broken by her. Not because she intentionally wanted to hurt them, but because she was incapable of reciprocating their affections.

 

Unfortunately for you, you also happened to fall victim to her charms and beauty. The only significant difference with your case is that you’re friends and rivals with her, so you know her better than the others. Which also meant that catching feelings for her was so much harder for you.

 

You don’t regret it one bit though. Because, though you won’t admit it out loud lest she uses it as ammo to annoy the out of you, Seungwan is deserving of all the love and attention she receives.

 

You wanted to tell her about your feelings. Countless times over the years, you have attempted to come clean about your more-than-platonic affection towards her. Mostly because you wanted to move on already.

 

But there was also a little part of you – which you tried so hard to ignore – that hoped that you had a chance with her. And it didn’t help that there were instances, mostly when it was just the two of you, that you felt like your feelings weren’t as one-sided as you thought they were.

 

But the two of you were victims of a horrible past, unfortunate circumstances, and bad timings. So the years passed without you being able to tell her anything.

 

And you were fine with the way things were, until around three years ago, when Seungwan began dating this guy whose name you never even bothered to remember.

 

Overwhelmed with regret and the pain of your first heartbreak, your first reaction was to run away to avoid confronting your feelings. It was good timing that you've been offered a job by one of your uncles from Japan that time. You had the perfect excuse to leave and stay away.

 

Although, you have this inkling that Seungwan had known the real reason behind your departure all along. And her reaction to your confession tonight is more than enough confirmation for your theory.

 

There are a lot of things that the two of you haven't had the courage to bring up or acknowledge. But with the current circumstances, they are all better off left unsaid.

 

In a very uncharacteristic move for you, you gently press your lips against Seungwan's forehead, hoping that it could somehow bring comfort to the other woman, to ease the pain that you yourself had caused. She lets out a choked sob as soon as your lips touch her skin, and it’s enough to break your heart all over again.

 

It takes a while, but the two of you finally stop crying long enough to wipe the tears off your faces. Chuckling, you roll your eyes at her playfully before reaching a hand up to wipe away a stray tear that rolls down her flushed cheek.

 

Taking a couple of steps back, you wring your hands together behind your back and take a deep, grounding breath before you meet Seungwan's gaze head on.

 

It is through your eyes, that you tell each other the things you can never say with your lips. It is with your gazes, that you convey all your regrets and apologies to each other. And it is through your smiles, that you forgive one another, so you can finally let go and move forward without the weight of the past weighing the two of you down.

 

There are a lot of what if's between you and her. And sadly, maybe that's all they'll ever amount to in this lifetime. And as much as it hurts, you have no choice but to accept the circumstances as they are and try to move on with your life.

 

"It's getting late. We have to be up early tomorrow for our trip back, so we should head to bed now," Seungwan says as she pushes her body away from the railings, starting to make her way towards the door that leads back inside the hotel.

 

Taking another deep sigh, you close your eyes for a little while. And gathering all the remaining pieces of your broken, battered heart, you muster the courage to call out to her one last time.

 

"By the way."

 

Seungwan turns her body so that she's facing you, and the smile she's directing at you makes it hard to speak. But you power through the searing pain that blooms in your chest. Swallowing around the lump that suddenly lodged your throat, you flash her an almost watery smile.

 

"Congratulations on your engagement, Wan."