All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts

-William Shakespeare

 

August 1, 2023

All I can see is vast darkness, as if I’m in boundless four-dimensional continuum of uncertainty called space, floating freely like a ball of gas and dust with no definite destination at all, drifting further into the abyss. My head starts twirling, my body quivers with the unknown— creating a vortex of untold anguish. My heart’s a vacuum, yet it holds massive chaos of unspoken truth and woe, a supernova takes place.

 A black hole appears, everything vanished— I am nobody.

I opened my eyes, there I saw a pair of orbs staring at me with those ocean eyes that drowned me every time and bring me back to life all at once. She gave me the look we both only know; a secret between us exists— my heart beats twice than the normal, she makes me feel alive. Then she smiled at me, the kind of smile she does only for me.

As if she has all the answers for everything and anything, all matter and energy are crammed into a tiny compact point called singularity, a rapid expansion occurs. In a heartbeat, the universe formed right in front of me. It’s crazy how those small pair of orbs hold billion of stars and galaxies. It took one look and a smile to know the mystery of universe, it’s her— it’s always been her.

 Suddenly, I am somebody.  

“Stop looking at me like that, I might melt.” I said teasingly at her, she just shrugs and give me her charming smile and said, “I can’t help it, I will take the responsibility in case you’ll melt, though I will not let that happen. I’ll hold you, Hyun.”  I couldn’t help but melt with her sweet nothings, “Sweet talker as ever, Kang Seulgi.” She’s about to say something back when our manager called us, telling us to hurry and go to our spot. We both get back to our senses and get in the hydraulic stage lift, my hands are trembling, I suddenly felt cold. She noticed and took my hand,

 “I got you.” She said while blowing into my hands, making them warm knowing that I always have cold hands.

“Seul...” I choked on my breath, almost a cry, a lump formed on my throat— I couldn’t breathe.

 “It’s going to be alright. I’m here, Hyun.” She smiled at me and held my hand tighter, reassuring me. She’s very brave, I wish I was brave like her, too.

I’m so sorry we have to keep it this way, Seulgi.

Roaring cheers engulfed the arena, fans are chanting our names with all of their heart causing so much intensity in the vicinity and I can feel vibrations on the ground. Sea of light sticks filled the venue, I felt goose bumps all over my skin. Gadgets are up in the air, anticipating our entrance with excitement plastered on their faces. As if I someone poured cold water over me and wakes me up in my fantasy, reality hits me— this is my reality. Suddenly all the lights are off, the crowd went silent for a second, a spotlight is focused on the center stage. As the lift starts to go up, I let go of her hand immediately and smile at the sea of people in front of me as if nothing happens behind the curtains, as if everything’s fine when actually it’s not.  Deafening cheers once again filled the air, the music starts and my body responded automatically with every beat. It’s time for the show, there are no room for mistakes.

 It’s time to mask up everything just for the sake of the show, time for their entertainment and time for my act.  

Three hours seems eternity when you’re barely living at the moment. My mind is in a chaotic haze, my body’s failing me at times where I express exhaustion with poor coordination. I just want this to end, I’m so tired of pretending and lying in front of thousands of people including myself. Stealing glances and secret touches won’t ease my heart and mind when all I wanna do is to be in her arms— my safe haven. But I can’t even look at her for seconds without the prying eyes watching us, I hate it here, why does it have to be like this?    

The show is coming into an end, of course. We are all lined up by age, this time we will give our speech to everyone. My hand starts to tremble again, I feel so nervous, I feel like throwing up. I look down at my hand, wishing her hand in mine right now when I needed it the most. I look around and met her gaze, she hold it a little bit longer than the usual and later bowed her head— hiding her smile.

I look away and smiled bitterly, my heart hurt so bad.

Joy started to speak, “Luvies, did you enjoy tonight?” The crowd responded with such energy.

“Look at us now, we’re old! I bet you’re having a hard time raising the kimmanbong for hours. But seriously, Every chances that we could get we will thank you endlessly for supporting us all the way, for being our family for seven years. But this time it’s different, it’s our last time to perform in front of you while you cheer for us. Luvies knows our hearts the best, right? We want you to remember that we cherish every single one of you since the beginning. No, no, no, I won’t cry!” All of us laughed, tears threatening to fall at any moment.

 “We’ve been through a lot, right? All of us. I’m very thankful for those seven years because we didn’t gave up our dreams and stay together until this day. Really, thank you everyone, to those who believe in us and never left our side even in bad times. I knew deep down in my heart that Red Velvet and Luvies will remain in history. All I could say is thank you and I love you, I really mean it with my heart. To our parents, thank you for supporting our dreams. We’ve come this far because of your undying love and support that keeps us going. We love you Thank you for the amazing seven years of my life!” Joy finished with a bow.

It’s Wendy’s turn to speak— she’s already crying, Joy hugs her then she speaks with shaky voice, “Can we have one more night? I just can’t believe that after long years of being with you, I need to bid my farewell this time. But I know I can’t be selfish, we’ve build a family that I know will stay forever and that gives me comfort. Seven years felt so short when I met the most genuine sisters I have ever had in my life. Leaving Canada is the turning point of my life, I met 4 wonderful souls that made me feel home. To my members, I love you so much and thank you for being my sisters for life. And to all Reveluvs, I’m very grateful and I will remember everything about you, too. I love you.” All of them are crying except Seulgi and I. I hold my feelings inside and comfort them with my all. I don’t want to show my weak side, not now, not ever.  

Wendy wipes her tears and smiled at me, encouraging me to speak. I gulped hard and hold tightly at my microphone. “Luvies, thank you. I honestly don’t know what to say but I want you to know that all of you are special to me and I mean it. I will always be your bunny, right? And you are always be my Luvies, too. I want to thank my members for helping me to be a better leader each and every day, for trusting me and for loving me even on my bad days. Luvies, thank you very much for loving us. 7 years, we’ve been loved and hated by many but with you by our side, we always find ourselves standing up and smiling, because Luvies makes us feel loved and special.  I will treasure all of you, I love you and this is not a goodbye, let’s face a new journey positively even if it means apart, life goes on but we will still remain forever. Red Velvet, you’ve worked so hard, I’m so proud. I love you” I bow to express my gratitude, I hope I said the right words and made them feel what I wanted to say though it’s short.

Yeri looks around the arena and cry once more when fans chanted our names, “Luvies, really... thank you for cheering us up since the beginning. Whenever we see Luvies, we gained energy and we work hard for you guys because you deserve it. Your letters never failed to make me cry because of too much happiness, I will miss it. You’re loud cheers on music shows, our little conversions on fansigns— I will miss it all. I’ve always feared goodbyes but I will be strong for Luvies, because I love all of you. Thank you for not only cheering us but also for being a kind person. You helped a lot of charity throughout the years and I’m very proud of you guys, you are all amazing. Let us not be sad about the ending. I want you to remember that an ending means a new beginning, I will look forward to everyone’s success! Fighting!” Yeri finished up with a bright smile despite the tears rolling down her cheeks, We all wait for Seulgi to speak up.

Seulgi faced us, she looks at us with those teary eyes yet smiling,

 “Way back 2016 when we first won Bonsang, I said that I want us to last forever in front of thousands of people. Looking back, we were so young and ambitious, we stay on each other’s side and survive every day— full of determination and contentment. Those were the days we live for the moment and do our thing, we’re happy that’s why we made it through hardships. Years passed us by and change us in different ways, it’s inevitable. We started with same dreams and goals, and now that we’re older— our perspective in life changes and it’s definitely fine. We grew all together and now maybe it’s time for us to grow individually and apart. Time do change a lot of things but I won’t, because this day, again— in front of thousands of people... I still want us to last forever like other groups who last 20 plus years. I still want it to happen even in any lifetime, I would still choose to be Red Velvet’s Seulgi. To my members, I love you all so much, it hurts. Thank you for everything and I’m sorry. I may be selfish or greedy... I know that there are times that I would be bad, bold, fierce and I hurt or disappoint you in such ways for living the way I want... I want to say I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done that caused you pain and disappointment. I’m still a human, we all are, we’re not perfect but we’re trying everyday just to be better. Luvies, I’m sorry and thank you.” Seulgi sobs, she steps in front—  kneeled down and bow her head on the floor with both of her hands clasped together trembling as she cry harder. I felt a pang in my chest and the tears that I’ve been holding on for so long flows uncontrollably. I couldn’t care less anymore, I ran into her and enveloped her into a tight hug. Seconds later, I felt arms around us. All of us cried so hard in each other’s embrace, no one dares to let go.   

I don’t want to let go but I need to,

Maybe it’s better that way.

Maybe an ellipsis would make it more complicated,

Miserable, hopeless and uncertain.

“Hate to ruin this moment but we need to sing one more song for our Luvies. Let’s all be happy until the end, shall we? And for our last song, Candy!” Wendy tried her best to sound happy even if she’s crying like a river. The music starts to play, all the members roam around the big stage, waving and smiling to every people inside the arena.

Stuck on you, by your side Yeah

Stuck on you, by your side Yeah

Stuck on you, by your side Yeah

 

Take a deep breath, it’s going to end soon. Hang in there

 

 

A crinkling whisper, curiosity

Builds up on the tip of my tongue

I’m looking around because I’m curious

Time stops when you transparently touch me

A fresh scent spreads in my mouth

What would I have done if I didn’t know you?

 I’ll just laugh over this sad feeling

I’m so happy that I can share this happiness with you
 

I got you. I’m here, Rene. I know, she always will. But is that enough? Is that all we need?

 

Don’t go away, always stay by my side

Even when I break you

Make you mad and push you with my bad temper

I’m so cautious in case you disappear

The person who values you

 Like a jewel is me
 

I know you’ve always been in love with the skies, no matter how does it look like, you love them all the same.  And as I look at you whenever you close your eyes at the clouds up above and smile from ear to ear— I knew you wished for me to stay. I love the way you let yourself got soaked under the rain with smile still plastered on your face, looking at me with those ocean eyes. And I hate it, the way you look at me as if I’m the most precious thing in this world while your heart was shattering, you masks your tears with every drop of the pouring rain. I knew it all, and I’m sorry.  

 

In the window that shines on my desk

In the drawer next to my bed

In my pocket, I want to fill you up

Your sweet eyes, your soft touch

They change me, it’s an amazing change

 

When I turn around, I only think about you

 What do I do if I can’t have you in my hands?

You allowed me to whine like this again today, it’s beautiful
 

I look around and search for a pair of ocean eyes that I crave. I turned around and she’s staring at me already with those sad eyes. She still smiled at me, I smiled back and when she start to make her way to me, I turned my back and walk away— a tear fell down on my cheek.

Coward.

 

I want to be the only one who has you

Even when I break you

Make you mad and push you with my bad temper

 I’m so cautious in case you disappear

The person who values you

Like a jewel is me

What if you melt away slowly?

I let out a long sigh

The faster my heart beats

The faster you will melt

Like a lie, forever stay

Like that, by my side

 

She’s always there for me, she’s my number one fan, she defended me against everyone, she believed in me when everyone’s in doubt and she stayed on my side whenever I fall apart.

Selfish.

Don’t go away, always stay by my side

My smile comes from you

Don’t go away, always stay by my side

Even when I break you

Make you mad and push you with my bad temper

I’m so cautious in case you disappear

The person who values you

Like a jewel is me

 

Stuck on you, by your side Yeah

Stuck on you, by your side Yeah

 

I hate my cold hands and you love it. You always know the right time to hold mine, you never complained about our sweaty hands clasped tightly just to keep me warm and secure. Instead, you have that foolish grin on your lips and a happy eyes glimmering with joy. And now I hate it even more, because whenever I look into my hands— I feel empty; I can feel the coldness eating me alive. I hate that I want your warm hands, I hate that I crave for your touch and I hate the fact that you’re a part of me that I can’t keep.

 

The stage LED screen starts to open, revealing the backstage, we made our way and gathered in the middle.

 

“Thank you so much for coming! Let’s be forever, Luvies!” Yeri shouts while we wave our hands to bid farewells.

 

 “Please be safe when you go home!” Wendy said with her sweet voice. Joy spread her arms on both sides and gesture us to hold each other’s hands. I looked at them and nod,

 

“And this has been, Happiness, We are Red Velvet. Thank you!”

 

We bowed our head and the people inside the arena applaud us, screaming our names. Once the LED screen closed, we automatically formed a circle and hug each other once more. The show has ended, we’re now on backstage. No more blinding spotlights pointed at us, no more loud music blasting through the earpieces on both of our ears and no more audiences— this is where all my masks fall off. I can see everything clearly, I can hear everything and it’s making me feel everything at all once.

 

My mind went blank, I can’t think of anything else except running away and never going back. Everyone’s having their moment, my members are with their parents, the staffs are congratulating us— Everything right now is blurry for me. I’m a mess, I want her and I hate it. I hate myself.

 

“Darling, we’re proud of you.” I turned around and saw my Mom and my Dad smiling at me. I crashed myself into them and hug them tightly as I break down. I want to escape so bad, I don’t think if I can face her again with my state. My mother caresses my back and let me cry for a few minutes without saying anything. I looked up at them,

 

 “Mom, Dad.. please take me somewhere. Please.. I-I can’t...” I said with my trembling voice.

 

My mom soothes me and nods, “Alright, come on now. We have a plane to catch.”

 

They smiled sadly at me and lead me out of the arena. We are now at the parking lot when suddenly I heard fast footsteps approaching us.

 

“Joohyunie!” She called out my name, I stopped on my tracks and I don’t know what to do. That voice, that goddamn voice.

 

“Go on, talk to her darling. We will wait inside the car, you two take your time okay?” my mom said, pressing my hand and encouraging me. I nodded and made my way to Seulgi, I stopped in front of her and she flashes her smile but it’s not reaching her eyes.

 

“You’re leaving so soon, thank god I’m a fast runner. Do rabbit really hops that fast?” I chuckled and hit her arm playfully,

 

“Yes Kang Seulgi, I do hop like that.” She grins at me and we stayed there for minutes without talking, just looking at each other. She looks at me with an unreadable expression, it makes my knees go weak and my heart beat like crazy.

 

“We’re okay, right?” she asked with hopeful, almost pleading eyes. It’s suddenly hard for me to speak,

 

“Of course Seulgi, what makes you think we’re not?” I asked and she fidgets on her spot,

 

“You..” she uttered under her breath.

 

I know, I’m so sorry Seulgi.

 

“I guess that’s just me over thinking. But I believe you more than anyone, Hyun.” I just smiled bitterly, I just lied in front of her face and she still believed everything I said.

 

She stepped closer to me, the proximity we had right now is making me lightheaded,

 

“I guess you need to rest, can I get a hug before you go?” she asked while smiling yet her eyes are gloomy, I nodded and she pulled my waist and buried her head into my chest. I put my hands around her neck, she’s embracing me so tight. With that, I felt everything fall apart, my knees were trembling. I cling to her tighter because I might break into pieces,

 

“I’m so sorry I ed up everything, Hyun. I should’ve been more cautious, I’m so sorry that the media saw us.” She said while crying on my chest, a tear fell down on my cheek. I bit my lip to suppress my sobs, my heart hurt so bad— everything hurts.

 

Last month, some writer from a company threatened to expose our relationship to the public. They have our private pictures, they threatened to post it if we don’t give them money. SM don’t want to deal with any of that, and so they remained silent. I got scared, negative thoughts were rushing inside my head since that day. I don’t want people to hate Seulgi, to hate us just because our love is not in lined with the norm. People hate what they don’t understand, and it scares me, because I witnessed how Seulgi work hard every single day just to be where she is right now. I know that it’s her dream to be a singer and to perform in front of the crowd. I couldn’t dare to risk our career, I know love is not all we need. And so, worst things happen, SM wants to disband our group, just because they think that Seulgi and I will be a threat to SM’s reputation if the public knows that we are in a relationship.  

“It’s not your fault, it’s okay.” I uttered softly, caressing her mane and I felt her kissing my shoulder repeatedly, softly as if she's scared to break me with her touch

 

“Promise me you’ll call me when you get back at the dorm.” She said and looked at my eyes, wiping all the tears that are streaming down on my cheeks, I burn under her gaze.

 

“I promise.” I answered with a whisper, she smiled genuinely at me and stepped back,

 

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Hyun.” She uttered with so much tenderness and hope, there’s something in the way whenever she says my name, the way it runs perfectly on her tongue, it kills me.

 

“I’ll see you, Kang Seulgi.” I said and looked at her for the last time and turned my back, I start to walk away from her. As soon as I entered our car, I weep helplessly while clutching onto my chest. My mother embraced me and soothes me, I hate everything— even myself.

 

 Later that night, I didn’t call. I wasn’t even on our dorm, I was on a plane going to another country.

 

She called me once, twice, thrice- until I run out of fingers to count.

 

I didn’t answer all her calls.

 

Days, weeks, and months had passed yet she never stop calling. She never missed a day to call me.

 

I missed it all.

 

It took her two years to stop calling.

 

It took me three years to call her back.

 

This time, she’s the one who didn’t answer.