“Yup, so that’s Aunt Solar and your uncles” Eunji rolled her eyes while pointing on the photo of few male friends of her wife, Chorong. She is, yes, friends with them but the fact that even her own spouse teases her for being so jealous of her boy friends.

Her six-year-old child, with eyes and nose of Chorong, giggled cutely as her mother unnamed her favorite uncles. That is after her uncle Minki, of course. “Why aren’t you there, mother?” the kid asked, as if they haven’t done that ‘photo album browsing’ since she was able to recognize faces. It became a habit for the three, mostly for the two to look at those photos. Chorong loves making and designing photo albums while Eunji loves taking photos. Fair enough.

Eunji mimicked the little frown on her daughter’s face, “Your mom doesn’t want me to be there” the giggle after was copied by her little one.

“That is not true” a soft voice coming from the hallway to living room reached the bedroom. The tandem both chuckled at the response as the footsteps faded away.

Reaching for the next page, “It was a farewell party for one of your uncles. He was going to the military back then and mommy was working that time” Eunji addressed herself. Few more photos of her wife and her friends for few more pages “Though, I was the one who took that picture” she smiled, feeling a little proud for coming as soon as her business meeting ended.

You keep meeting somebody

And laugh out loud

But nothing changes...

Eunji remember how she was so irritated that she wasn’t able to be on that sendoff party for Hoya from the start. She had an out-of-town trip with her business partners, and she just can’t cancel them because she’s too afraid her girlfriend, that time, enjoys the company of her friends too much, right? She shook her head at the thought and laughed bitterly at her immaturity when they were younger.

“How about this?” the child asked for she doesn’t know how many times. Her baby’s eyes looking at her anticipatedly with mixture of slight annoyance for waiting. She focused her eyes again on the photo book.

She halted on the photo on the current page. It was with a co-worker she was most jealous of.

 

 

Yook Sungjae. Her wife was in a case with him. Ever since she was designated on that station, Eunji didn’t like to see that pretty face of her wife’s co-worker. Even Chorong was very open with her job, with a very minimal information, the businesswoman is just uncomfortable with the job itself. She remembered how she saw Chorong in a café with the guy, laughing, faces close for Eunji’s liking. She remembered how her face felt so hot at the scene. She remembered how her hand clenched so hard on the door handle. She remembered how she barged in, took Chorong’s hand and pulled her out. Perfectly making a scene. Eunji scrunched her nose at the memory.

When I think of you

Laughing somewhere

I feel like I’m losing

I feel like an idiot...

Eunji send her home. Chorong practically steps ahead of Eunji. She was mad not just because her girlfriend interrupted her meeting with Sungjae but because her Eunji technically sabotaged the investigation. So yes, Chorong is a police officer. She was an undercover with the guy she was with and has been acting like couple to capture that one notorious criminal. She has been explaining this to her girlfriend but, oh well, Eunji is too jealous to comprehend.

They had a 2-week-long misunderstanding after that. They didn’t see each other for the time being and all Eunji can think was she was going crazy if another day added. So, Eunji, the possessive person, she really is, has been camping in her car, parked outside Chorong’s station.

I rather wish that you were having a rougher time

I want you to think of me

Because it’s hard

I want to be okay too...

She would see Chorong as if she was not hurting. Little did she know how much the other girl missed her. How the police officer has been bawling every night, in her apartment, because she hasn’t seen her girl for almost a month. Not long after, Jinyoung met her and told her what has been happening to her girlfriend.

I feel my lips dry

The lips that used to call you so much

I realized then, like a habitual saying

That I desperately looked for you as I called for you

I want to embrace you like I did then

And tell you that I want to smile...

It was like cold water thrown over Eunji. She missed Chorong so much but all she did was stalk on her and not talk to her. She missed her laughed, her macaroon eyes curving like the moon, her touch, her soft skin under Eunji’s warm palm, her smell, oh it’s making her insane. She’s going to explode, she will not take another day, Eunji was sure of that, that time. All she wanted was to embrace Chorong with her strong hands to the point that the other girl will not be able to move away. She wanted to spend the night with her again, just like how she would do after a business trip. It was the most exciting part of her out of towns. The longing in her girlfriend’s eyes when they finally reunited. The tight hug, the strong pull towards the other girl’s bedroom because, exactly, they haven’t made love for the time Eunji was away. Indeed, phone calls were never enough.

Maybe that was pride or the fact that Chorong missed her too, but didn’t do anything about it, either. Eunji was feeling devastated too, but she hates knowing the Chorong wasn’t going to reach out on her first. She knows her girlfriend enough. She knew she will not talk to her unless she does it herself. They stayed like that for another two weeks. It was pure torture to Eunji.

When I close my eyes and count one and two

Before I know it, I’m asleep and

I look for you in my dream unknowingly

I think it’s a lie that I want to forget you...

Every single day that time, she was always dreaming of her reunion with Chorong. She had questioned herself, why was she so stubborn, how can she possibly live without the other girl, when will her mind be straight enough to finally say sorry to the person, she loves the most.

One stupid misconception and all that happened next was pain.

 

 

“That’s a bad guy, Princess. He almost took your mom from me” Eunji pouted to her daughter. Who is now sitting on her lap, photo book still on her small hands.

“Stop making things up! Don’t teach the kid about bad things!” that’s definitely a shout from the living room. Eunji pursed her lips more, receiving a kiss from her child who thought she was asking for one. One uncomfortable swift move from the kid, settling again on her mother’s thighs. The older chuckled on that. Her heart swelled on the gesture as she circled her hands on her child.

The kid continued while Eunji softly whispered “I’m not making things up” laughing on her own as the child get tickled on her ear, very much like her Chorong. When she remembers that three months of misunderstanding with her wife, she still feels the same squeeze on her heart.

The next photo, luckily, was a picture of them together. Chorong and her. Finally, together again. after months of not talking, not seeing each other. She was kissing Chorong’s left cheek, with the other girl’s hand on her’s. Showing off something new on her ring finger. It was the diamond ring that shines that will take anyone’s attention upon seeing the photo. Engagement ring.

“So, it was when you asked mommy to be your wife?” her daughter traces the hand of her mom, taking her time when she’s on the ring. “It’s so beautiful, mom”

Eunji was proud, of course. She bought the diamond ring while on her trip in Europe. One of her few out of the country business. She doesn’t usually accept a deal when it will be done out of Korea – you know by now what’s the reason why – but this one comes with a plan of buying the ring personally. Which she saw online. “It is, right?” she kissed her daughter’s cheek upon responding.

She let her daughter turn the page again. “Where are you in here?”. The kid then asked. It was still them. Same clothes, same surroundings, same day, same smiles. It was few more photos of them after her proposal. Eunji’s cheeks was visibly red, blushing like a teenager. Honestly, for her, it was kind of embarrassing to propose in an airport lobby, isn’t it? Where Chorong was waiting for her arrival. On a typical romance movie, it was Chorong who was waiting for her, would have planned the proposal. But oh well, not the typical romance movie here.

 

 

“Happy 2^nd Wedding Anniversary” the kid read the caption down the photo, “You look so cute here, mommy” Eunji snorted by her daughter’s comment. She was wearing a panda hat that Chorong bought herself. “Mommy Chorong looks so happy that you are wearing it” the kid giggled, shrinking cutely as her mother kissed her neck, blowing softly on her ear. It was a prank gift, her wife said but on their 3^rd anniversary, the police officer confessed that she forgot to buy a present and bought the first thing she saw that day.

They were expecting their angel on the next sets of pictures. Chorong was holding her big tummy, over Eunji’s hand who was hugging her from behind. “That was you, inside mommy’s big tummy, my love” Eunji said, laughing over her child’s surprised expression. It never fails to make Eunji laughed. Ever since the kid understands her words, they have been occasionally looked over the photos as if checking if anything changes. But every time she said that she came from her mother’s tummy, her face makes an unexplainable appearance like she was so horrified over the fact. Eunji heard a very soft “are you sure, mommy?” before she turned the page, not making her child more troubled.

Eunji softly lifted her joined legs, bouncing her child over, “Look, you are wearing the same hat, a month you were born” Eunji gently touched her daughter’s cheeks, putting the kid’s attention to the photo. It is true that the child was wearing the hat. It was when they celebrated her first month. “Your mommy was ugly crying with you” showing on next page, was the photos of the family. Chorong was making faces because the baby was crying. It was a funny sight but deep inside, in that moment, Eunji wanted to cry to. She didn’t know what to do either.

“Ugly?” this time, the voice was directly coming from the door of the bedroom, the mother and the child has been sharing.

“Yes, mommy’s not ugly” the kid frowned, getting off her mother’s lap. She passed the photo book on Eunji’s hand, running towards the woman by the door. Both grown old women laughed.

“Of course, mommy Chorong is not ugly, it is mommy Eunji who’s ugly” the businesswoman snickered, she turned the pages, passing through the memories she had shared with her wife and beautiful daughter. She wanted to say how she’s not ugly because she had and has a lot of admirers wherever she goes.

She stopped, few pages remaining. It was her Chorong, her skin pale, eyes surrounded with dark circle, her cheeks were not so plump as Eunji loves, her hair, it’s not as soft as everyone remebered. In fact, it was so thin that they have to put a beanie on her head. Chorong looks thinner, the big hospital gown didn’t help either. Dated 3 years ago, Chorong had a severe cancer and was undergoing therapy. Eunji was sitting on the bed beside her wife while their child was on her arms. The photo was supposedly to appear happy because it was their 5^th wedding anniversary.

The businesswoman traces every detail of her wife, even the wedding ring that has been seemingly dangling on her finger, for it became so big for her. Chorong looks happy. Chorong is happy. Chorong was happy.

No

Maybe it’s become a habit instead

I think I want to forget

Your name that I’m calling again even now...

“Let’s go, Eunji?” Bomi, the woman by the door, now caring the child on her arms asked. It is Eunji’s best friend. “Solar unnie is here, we both won’t like it if she came inside. She’s going to drag us both” they shared a laugh. Eunji decided to finally leave the house she was with her wife. One year ago, since Chorong’s passing, this is the day Eunji finally decided to let go. Not to fully forget, she knows that for sure, but to at least move on with hers and daughter’s life.

For the last time, Eunji scanned her eyes in the room, how it was beautifully decorated by her wife, how their laughter and giggles echoed on every corner, how they fought and made up, how they cry over spilled milk, how they share the most beautiful memories. Eunji doesn’t realize, but she was silently crying on the thought. She wiped her tears and smiled to Bomi, patiently waiting for her. Bomi gave her a small lip tight smile. They didn’t actually talk about feelings, or more of, Eunji doesn’t want to tell what she really feels. They are friends since forever, but Bomi knows Eunji so much. She won’t force her to tell her things or to cry on her shoulders. Eunji knows she was always there.

In fact, she still misses Chorong every day. She still searches for her in the morning. She still smiles on a photo displayed on the bed side table. She still wears the pajamas her wife gave. She still keeps the pair of massage slippers her wife owns, or the toothbrush, or the special hairbrush as Chorong describes. She still saves the letter they wrote for each other. She still buys cake for their birthdays. She still celebrates their anniversary. She still cries on the day she lost her wife. And she still thinks, she will not stop doing that.

It is her daughter that gives her strength now. “Come on, mommy” her child eagerly shouted, bouncing slightly on Bomi’s arm. “I’m so excited to see our new home”

“Home” she whispered. Her daughter is right, she is going to start again and …

I want to tell you that I want to see you

Now that you’re gone

The habit

Of calling you

I live, unable to erase it

Because of you...

Forget her old habits.