(TW: References to Woojin's departure from Stray Kids )

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You have memories to look back on today from January 6, 2020

Cringing, because he just knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant trip down memory lane, Chan clicks on the Facebook notification.

It's not a whole lot, just a picture, but the contents spoke volumes. Chan swallows the lump of emotions in his throat as he sees his own purging of a deep bottled-up emotion, mostly anger and frustration, reflected back at him in the post containing a photo he had taken of something he simply felt compelled to destroy. It was the photo post containing a picture of a frame, shattered to pieces alongside a bitter caption he didn't recognize he'd written: I don't believe anything anymore.

The photo in that frame was precious. It used to sit on his desk in the studio and it had contained a picture of nine very happy, naïve boys. They had no idea back then...

During the weeks following the news in October, Chan had to keep it together. He had no choice, as the leader, the one responsible to be the model of collected. Behind the scenes, he felt the same way he was sure they all did; a combination of confused and betrayed. What's worse, he felt he was to blame. While it may have been ridiculous to accept someone else's personal decision as his own fault, in the end, Chan knew that he and he alone was the one charged with responsibility to keep them together. He'd failed. He'd utterly and completely failed to keep their happy family together. He couldn't understand why or how, but somehow, somewhere along the lines, he'd let someone slip through the cracks.

Between the rush of media attention, the interviews, the changes in routine, the changes in their entire lives....months had passed since that day. It wasn't until the first week of January that he'd crumbled.

The members would never know about how he'd had multiple nightmares of them just disappearing, one after another. They'd always joke and see that he was just a worrywart when he fretted over every little emotional change or health concern but no, dammit. Chan refused to let a single thing slip him by with these boys ever again. They'd always have somewhere to go, someone to talk to, and on his watch, should never feel like they had to leave. He couldn't handle thinking about if they did. It hurt and it hurt him way too deeply. They'd never know he was sometimes terrified to lose them, even in the middle of a seemingly normal day. Now that someone had left...in his mind, they were all capable of doing the same.

So, that day, on January 6 2020, was the day when he couldn't hide how he felt anymore. At least from himself. He couldn't bottle it in. He was mad. No, he was infuriated. At the world, at Woojin, at all of them for not noticing, and at himself. He'd broken the frame with his own bare hands that day. It had bubbled over into hysterics. He'd screamed his throat raw, cried his eyes out, all in the complete isolation he'd imposed on himself. Chan realized on that day too, that he needed to address this in himself. He needed to rely on the people who cared about him, too.

s, people who had become like another limb to him, if he was going to be a role model, he needed to show them that bottling your emotions never ended well. He needed to be transparent. From that day on, Chan reflected to be a better leader, and someone more open at every step of the way.

Though January 6 2020 started off as an awful day....once those emotions flooded out of him, he could breathe again. They could regroup. They could make a better year for themselves and truly show how solid their unit really was.

A new determination fueled him and from that day forward, he felt like a new person altogether. Hope, pride, and an eagerness to show that there was life after this definitely contributed to his work and he started to see, slowly but surely, that if he could be there to be honest with himself and always show up to take care of himself...then the illusion surrounding fear of the members leaving would dissipate and he could clearly see how strong of a bond they still had. Stronger still, even. Chan knew that he could never lose these boys, not in his heart where all the wonderful memories built up one after another to fill the patches where something had previously felt missing.

So, with a mixture of feeling proud of where they'd gotten to and wanting to be honest about where he'd been emotionally, Chan takes a deep breath and shares the post to his timeline for January 6 2021 along with a new caption:

Self growth isn't always comfortable, but it gets better. I'm thankful for everyone in my life. I'm glad you stayed.

He knows he'll be understood, and, instantly, the memory doesn't make him feel ashamed anymore.