after ten years, no words spoken to each other. radio silence. i finally utter a pathetic greeting.

“hi joohyun-unnie” you stare at me with heavy eyes, wondering. i hate that curious look. it’s as if you care. which you probably do, and it kills me.  if you care, it makes it harder for me to leave.

“hi seulgi” your voice is still soft as ever. god i missed that voice. 

you start to wonder why? why are we only talking now? why did it take ten years for me to resurface? why is it so awkward? how did it get like this? you’re hurt, obviously. and i’ll admit, it’s all my fault. 

how did we go from talking everyday to me deleting your number off my phone? how did we go from being best friends from being ‘just someone i know’? how did i make the decision to run away from my first love? because i couldn’t take it anymore. 

flashback

i’ve always hated going to these parties. my gracious mother got invited to her friend’s new year’s party, just great, that means i’ll be here even longer than i want to. and the fact that there’ll be ‘other kids there i can hangout with’ doesn’t make it any more appealing considering how they’re all her friends trying to out-do each other with their children’s snobbish accomplishments. i mean come-on. who cares that taemin got accepted into the gifted program or that baekhyun’s kids are vegan? 

i try to get settled in, put on my social butterfly/family’s princess/perfect daughter mask and at least make an effort to enjoy myself. 

then i see you. walking down the stairs in that blue sequence dress. long black hair down behind you. everyone here is trying to be the best or pretending they are. but you, you give off this energy that you are the best but you don’t care. my little grade-six heart was done for. i was intrigued, hooked, trapped. i learnt that you were a blackbelt, you play piano, and that you take no s from kids from the way you dragged aidan across your house by the wii remote for not sharing with the other kids.  

all the kids are hanging out and i just chime-in every now and then. we don’t talk directly but we participate in the same conversations. but that doesn’t stop me from stealing glances at you when you’re not looking. or finding myself smiling whenever you speak. 

and suddenly i have this thought, i don’t think i’m ever going to forget this night.

end of flashback

this night feels like the night we first met. tragic really. god i really need to stop remembering some pathetic new year’s party from when i was IN GRADE SIX. 

i still can’t believe how our parents became best friends and forced us to hang out, but we actually ended being best friends. well, i fell in love with you, oops. 

“this feels like that new year’s party where we met.” i look at you surprised. you remember that? wait, it’s not just me?

“yes i do remember that. wow you never learnt how to control your facial expressions. just as easy to read.”

you’re right, as usual. forgot how good you were at reading me. you knew me, wait, know me so well. still. after all that i did? i need to get you out of my head. in more ways than one.

“heh yea i guess i can’t hide things from you” lies. all lies. i did hide things from you. many things. like oh i know, that i was in love with you for five ing years. you just didn’t notice. 

“i guess ten years couldn’t keep me from forgetting you” you look at me. those eyes are a question. you wanna know why. you want answers. 

“yea well i guess i got carried away after college”

flashback

my best friend. my soulmate. my first love. i really hate to do this, but i