minjeong thinks she's quite absurd. to actually be fond of this marriage, to be okay with it when the other party initially wasn't. it's been six months since she was wedded to ning yizhuo, an heiress to her family's former rival company. it's ridiculous, all those years spent competing only to end up with minjeong walking down the aisle with the one woman she least expected to exchange vows with.

 

nevertheless, minjeong had long succumbed to the planned lifestyle she was coerced into. not once has she bothered to stand up for herself, she thinks it's best to avoid unnecessary conflicts, and merely live her life the way it's been written. with the kind of family she's born into, in the end, it's always about money.

 

(perhaps she was afraid of the consequences if ever she decides to derail from her fate.)

 

rather than trying to alter the course of her life, minjeong makes it easy for herself and prefers to ride the waves. (because she knows that if she goes against them, she would only drown.)

 

sometimes, when her ears manage to capture the hushed voices of her employees in the office going on about how robotic their president (her) appeared, she would agree internally.

 

meanwhile, yizhuo has a completely different persona from her. even her own mother tells her to be more like her wife, tells her to smile a little more, tells her to be more exuberant with the right amount of self-assurance and poise.

 

minjeong does smile, but she realises she does so only when it's with yizhuo.

 

.

 

"eggs benedict?" 

 

minjeong hums, the corners of her lips curling up ever so slightly when she feels a familiar warmth behind her, yizhuo's head hovers over her shoulder. minjeong's plating their breakfast and yizhuo's peeking like a curious child, something about it tugs at minjeong's heart, light and tender.

 

"correct." and minjeong feels the presence behind her slowly withdrawing. a flitting glance over her shoulder and she sees yizhuo her lips.

 

"looks good, chef kim." 

 

minjeong starts to wonder when it all began. before, they would barely exchange morning greetings, and either of them would deliberately leave earlier to avoid the blatant awkwardness in the cold mornings.

 

maybe it was when minjeong came home one late night— weeks ago — to the sight of yizhuo sprawled across the wooden floor of their penthouse, soju bottles and beer cans scattered all over the place in a mayhem. 

 

when she held a pained yizhuo in her arms, the woman gripped her tight as if she was her lifeline, coughing out choked sobs as she was wracked with heartache. 

 

before their arranged marriage, yizhuo had a boyfriend of three years. you could only imagine what it's like being forced into a wedding with a stranger instead of the person you loved most. yizhuo was adamant on changing the course of their marriage, even attempted to sabotage and run away with her current lover then. 

 

but there are some things you can't alter no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try.

 

being the only one who knew and accepted that yizhuo had a lover first, the least minjeong could do was allow her to rendezvous with him whenever she wanted to. minjeong never wanted to get in the way of someone else's love life in the first place.

 

minjeong could clearly see that yizhuo loves him— loved him. but was love so feeble that it only took one day to ruin a seemingly perfect relationship of three years? 

 

"you're staring." yizhuo calls her out as they were having breakfast.

 

minjeong is quick to break eye contact (she never meant to stare) and clears , eventually snapping out of her trance.

 

"i'm sorry." she apologises in a small voice, hunching over her plate in growing embarrassment. a quick glance, yizhuo's plate is already half empty.

 

there was a moment of pregnant silence that engulfs them after, with the both of them timidly finishing their food, until yizhuo utters yet again.

 

"i'm getting better," she abruptly says, hoping that would at least reassure minjeong. "...if you're still worried." a small smile follows, and minjeong simply nods, holding onto her wife's words.

 

there was a flitting thought of holding yizhuo's hand that rests on the dining table, wanting to provide her wife the comfort she needed, but minjeong decides against it. the last thing she wanted to do is make yizhuo uncomfortable.

 

"i'm glad. if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." minjeong replies that instead, the tender smile which yizhuo gives her after is worth it.

 

"three years down the drain, just like that. what do you think minjeong?" 

 

what does she think? it makes her blood boil just at the thought of the one man yizhuo trusted, taking advantage of her wealth behind her back and betraying her.

 

"i wonder how people like him are able to sleep at night, knowing he tells his girlfriend that he loves him, while holding another woman. even as far as exploiting your money for another woman..."

 

minjeong's grip on her cutlery tightens, her forehead creasing as her insides churn in disgust. not only did the man swindled yizhuo off of half a million dollars, he cheated on her.

 

i can treat you better. it was a shameless thought, but within the six months that they've been together, minjeong is convinced she's done a better job than that jerk. she exhales shakily, anger dissipating when she hears yizhuo's soft laughter ringing through her ears.

 

"i'm married to you, you know."

 

minjeong goes stiff, her jaw hung loose, she looks at yizhuo, unsure of how to deliver her words.

 

"it's different... we aren't..." 

 

"i'm joking minjeong, i know. it's not like we had a choice." yizhuo states, a hint of sadness flashing in her gleaming eyes.

 

minjeong shifts her gaze onto her plate, pulling her lips between her teeth as she feels the atmosphere slowly dampening. sometimes, she wishes she could do more for yizhuo.

 

out of the blue, a dainty hand reaches for hers from across the table. when minjeong looks up alarmed, she meets yizhuo's gentle gaze.

 

"...but in a way, as selfish as i might sound, i'm glad that it's you i'm committed to." yizhuo sighs after, and minjeong's probably mistaken but she sounded relieved. 

 

minjeong doesn't say anything, she turns her hand palm-up and softly grasps yizhuo's hand in return, lips curving up into a fond smile. somehow she hopes that yizhuo is able to see through her— through her loving gaze, through her affectionate smiles so that she can finally release these bottled feelings she's kept for so long.

 

even if it isn't reciprocated.

 

.

 

they sleep in separate rooms, minjeong had offered to take the guest room since the day the penthouse belonged to them, and yizhuo made no protest regarding their sleeping arrangements from the start. both were content with the boundaries they set.

 

everything started to change ever since the night minjeong had spent trying to assuage the heartache yizhuo faced, under the soft sheets of her (their) bed, protective arms enveloping the lithe figure as she cried for hours and hours on end. minjeong had stayed until yizhuo fell asleep with tear stains on her scarlet cheeks, before retreating back to the guestroom.

 

when yizhuo was in need of solace, minjeong was always there. 

 

yizhuo did get better, albeit slowly. some nights, minjeong could hear muffled sobs from the master bedroom. and many times, she held herself back from wanting to enter, wanting to embrace yizhuo once again to make the heartwrenching wails stop. but it wasn't really her place to do that (wasn't a boundary she was ready to cross), yizhuo probably didn't want to see her anyway. 

 

when minjeong couldn't sleep one night, she sat at the desk placed beside ber bed, with the way she's arranged things in the guestroom, it was starting to look more like a study room. 

 

under the soft luminance of the lamp, minjeong has an open book in her hands, glasses perched on her nose. 

 

suddenly, she hears the door to her room click. she whips her head around, eyes instantly locked with yizhuo's equally widened ones. her head was halfway through the gap of the door and they both froze.

 

"oh gosh sorry, i thought this was the master bedroom-" 

 

"wait," minjeong shoots up from her chair, glasses now tossed on the table, lips parted and eyes anticipating.

 

yizhuo flinches, halts in her attempt to escape like a deer caught in the headlights. she swallows, eyes darting everywhere in nervousness. 

 

what was minjeong doing up at 1 a.m. instead of sleeping?? 

 

yizhuo couldn't believe she was caught, there's no way to escape this. any plan she tries to come up with in her head to reason out eventually crumbles.

 

"do you... did you need something? or something to ask perhaps?" minjeong asks, her hand that was still on the desk grips the rough wooden edge, tightening with every increase in her heart beat.

 

she knows for a fact that no one could ever mistake the guestroom for the master's, they were in different hallways afterall. it was evident that yizhuo had come here for a reason, in the dead of the night nonetheless. and minjeong wanted so badly to know what her wife sought at this time of the night.

 

she had a hunch, but she wasn't going to hope.

 

yizhuo hesitates, knuckles turning white as her hands gripped the hem of her shirt. she tells herself that if she says the truth, minjeong wouldn't mind. the woman had been nothing but sweet to her ever since her breakdown, bestowing her the comfort she needed. 

 

it was just that yizhuo thinks she's growing selfish, wanting more of the comforting warmth which only minjeong could provide like how she did for her that night. 

 

"i..." yizhuo trails off, noticing the pair of feet now in front of her. while she was caught in a dilemma, minjeong had made her way to her.

 

gentle hands grasp her elbows, yizhuo tilts her head up to meet soft brown orbs, telling her it's okay, take your time. it hits her that minjeong has that gaze for her, and only for her.

 

"can i..." the words get stuck in once again, yizhuo in a sharp breath as she glances over to the bed. if minjeong notices her red tinted cheeks, she doesn't say anything. 

 

rather, she followed yizhuo's gaze and gets the message instantly. and yizhuo was right when she mentioned that minjeong wouldn't mind, because then the woman started to pull her lightly by the elbow and towards the bed.

 

they fall into awkward silence when they settle in bed, there's a big gap between them. sure this room was where yizhuo sought comfort, but not with the main source being more than a meter apart from her (the bed is really big). she really didn't want to result to pleading or appear desperate (she's a woman in her mid twenties for goodness' sake).

 

"is it cold there in the master's?" minjeong's incoming questions were unexpected, but yizhuo would much prefer them to deafening silence. 

 

"...no. it's plenty warm." she answers a beat late. yizhuo thinks that compared to the mattress in the master's, the guestroom's felt more rigid (or was it just her body?).

 

"i see... is the bed uncomfortable then?" minjeong asks again, her clasped hands lay on her stomach as she daringly turns her head to face her partner. 

 

the regret was instant, she soon finds herself admiring yizhuo's side profile, eyes shamelessly tracing the outlines of her flawless face. the silk cloth that was supposed to cover the milky skin had slid off the sharp shoulder just a little. minjeong is quick to pull her gaze away when yizhuo shifts, how could she share a bed with a woman looking like that?

 

"no... it's just spacious," yizhuo turns her body fully to face her, minjeong feels the piercing stare boring into the side of her face. "and sometimes it feels too empty." she mumbles.

 

yizhuo doesn't avert her eyes when minjeong looks at her again, and she wonders if she caught on. and if minjeong did, yizhuo wonders if her wife had ever felt the same. to go to bed with no one by her side, to wake up to a cold, empty spot beside you everyday. how lonely it all sounded.

 

"some nights, you come in here don't you?" a corner of minjeong's lips tugged up, and yizhuo wonders where did the sudden confidence came from when the older woman gives her a sly smile.

 

her cheeks burn for the nth time, eyes doubling in size as minjeong unexpectedly discloses the fact that her random nightly visits to the guestroom didn't go unnoticed.

 

"how..." 

 

"my eyes may be closed, but it doesn't mean i'm asleep." a teasing chuckle from the older woman, and yizhuo hides her reddening face behind her fingers, curling up in shame.

 

"...i'm sorry." she meekly mutters, voice appearing like a squeak.

 

never once had she thought of the possibility that minjeong could have been awake the few times she sneaked in. it wasn't with bad intentions, god no. rather, yizhuo wanted the same comfort she was given the night when she was at her worst. so when there were times she couldn't sleep a wink, mind in a turmoil, she would retreat to minjeong's room.

 

and then she would settle herself on the other end of the bed, going into slumber with the last sight being minjeong's serene back, and retire back to her own room before her wife would wake. it was shameless craving, but yizhuo realises she's only at ease with the older woman's calming presence. minjeong never left her side when she was in anguish, and it was evident that after the fateful night she spent tucked in minjeong's embrace, the mood around them started to change.

 

(in fact, yizhuo would like to say that it was for the better.)

 

too caught in her increasing shyness, yizhuo doesn't realise that minjeong had scooted closer. close enough that when the woman gently pries off her fingers from her face, yizhuo is immediately met with brown orbs so clear she could see her own reflection in them.

 

she doesn't move, watching as minjeong breaks into a soft grin. 

 

"there's nothing to be sorry for. i don't mind if it makes you feel better." should it tingle this much? because minjeong's fingers doesn't seem to want to let hers go, the gentle caresses of minjeong's skin against hers, the tenderness of it all.

 

yizhuo's lips form a thin line, she's afraid that if minjeong keeps this up... (her thoughts halt there, and once again, she's face to face with her inner turmoil.)

 

"yizhuo," minjeong breathes, her own name which rolled off her wife's tongue sounded too mellow, too fond. 

 

"yes?" and yizhuo watches as minjeong's face pulled off various expressions, all of it ranging from uncertainty to fear. the hand that held hers slowly loosens just as minjeong's confidence lowered. 

 

"it's nothing, nevermind."

 

yizhuo doesn't try to question her about it or anything. whatever minjeong was thinking or wanted to say, she'd hear it when she's ready. with minjeong already in proximity, all yizhuo could think about is being closer.

 

"would it be selfish of me to ask you to hold me?" she says it with a hint of plea, the longing in her voice doesn't go unnoticed by minjeong. yizhuo's lips pursed, nervous eyes shifting down to her hands to avoid minjeong's expectant gaze.

 

minjeong smiles, brows furrowed, i think i'd be more selfish for wanting just that.

 

"not at all." she replies. 

 

and she lets her eyes remain glued to the smaller woman, watching as she slowly but surely enters her space. as the gap between them closes, minjeong's heart paces uncontrollably. she pays it no mind, doesn't matter if yizhuo can hear it as her head tucks perfectly under her chin because maybe she wants her to listen this time.

 

maybe tonight would even be the night minjeong would lay her feelings bare. with yizhuo huddling close, her warm breath tickling her neck and her lips grazing her sensitive skin every now and then, minjeong thinks she can barely contain it.

 

"sleep in the master's starting tomorrow, will you?" minjeong feels a light grip on her shirt, the voice under her becoming smaller with every word that seeps out.

 

"i'd feel less lonely with someone by my side. plus, it's our room in the first place." yizhuo reasons, releasing a sigh of relief when minjeong's comforting sweet scent invades her nose. the warmth of their bodies so close to each other seem to only contribute to her drowsiness.

 

"okay, whatever you want." an arm holds her close by her waist, yizhuo buries her head further in the crook of minjeong's neck.

 

where was this warmth all her life?

 

it had her thinking that they could have been like this at the start, but they treated their relationship like some sort of assignment, putting up a façade that they were the perfect match whenever they were in the office for everyone to see. 

 

"it gets easier, it would be like second nature to you. remember that this is all for the sake of our investments." 

 

her mother would say, having come from the same circumstance. that's right, at the end of the day, it's just business.

 

yet yizhuo had hoped that maybe the trajectory of her life would be different. it was foolish to even hope, but taking into consideration the months she had been married to minjeong, she realises that the woman had been nothing but a considerate, amicable partner. too compassionate for someone forced into marriage.

 

it tugs at her heart uncomfortably having to realise that minjeong had really been the only one putting effort subtly, her ex-boyfriend just had to be an eye-opener.

 

so yizhuo figures, that she wanted to compensate for all the mundane days that could have been colourful. 

 

she pulls herself back, just enough to indulge in those eyes which never failed to give her reassurance. the look on minjeong's face tells her she's patient, and she starts wonder if she was worth all that kindness.

 

"minjeong, if i tell you that i'm willing to give my all into this... marriage, what would you say?" yizhuo asks in a voice merely above whisper.

 

she studies minjeong's face carefully, watching as the corners of her pink lips slowly curving up in a soft smile, reserved only for her. there was something playing in minjeong's eyes.

 

perhaps it had been content, maybe even bliss, because yizhuo sees the glimmer in them for the first time, clear as day.

 

"that it would mean the world to me." minjeong retorts, her words come off as a relief, exhaling as if she had been carrying something so heavy and now it's finally getting off her chest.

 

those words ultimately stuns yizhuo — her hands which had unknowingly clutched the pillow they shared — started to tremble. 

 

"why...?" yizhuo mutters, her heart beat was pulsing even in her eardrums, the cacophony sends her mind into a frenzy.

 

minjeong doesn't make it easier for her either, placing her trembling hands in her own warm ones, thumbs rubbing against white knuckles as if to soothe the tension. then she smiles a little wider, before placing a chaste kiss on yizhuo's knuckles, hearing the latter's breath caught in .

 

"maybe because i loved you all this time." 

 

as soon as those words left , yizhuo barely gave off any bizarre reactions. but minjeong's gazed long enough into her eyes to know that the woman was still comprehending the newfound information, possibly questioning the sincerity of it all. 

 

yizhuo's lips part, her chin beginning to quiver. the words were at the tip of her tongue, minjeong brings up a hand to brush her fingers against her cheek, and the gesture calms her, silently telling her that there was no need for words.

 

and then it happened in the spur of the moment, one moment yizhuo catches minjeong's eyes travelling to her lips, the next she finds herself leaning in painfully slowly.

 

she pauses just when their noses barely touch, looking into minjeong's eyes asking a silent question. she gets her answer when the woman draws in instead, letting their lips graze as their warm breaths mingled.

 

so intimate, they realised — too close.  minjeong's senses heightened, it sends vibrations throughout her body, the electrifying tingles playing around her every nerve. and everything became too overwhelming for her until a pair of soft lips met hers in her short time of disorientation. 

 

her eyes closed in heaven as their lips meddle so gently, shy and demure. their mouths moved slowly against each other's, wanting to devour as much as they possibly could, to savour the fervour in the midst of such intimacy, to cherish the presence and closeness of each other's bodies.

 

minjeong pours her whole heart into the kiss, sighing along so subtly as yizhuo pulls her closer. her heart which once felt burdened and heavy is now soaring, singing a tune for yizhuo to hear and for yizhuo only.

 

when they pull apart for air, minjeong opens her eyes and revels in the sight of the woman in front of her, lips caught between her teeth before her eyes fluttered open. something pleasant stirs in her gut when she notices yizhuo still seemed high from the ephemeral, intoxicating yet ardent exchange. 

 

as they locked eyes, they break into small smiles, cheeks painted red as the timeless moment replayed in their heads. yizhuo instantly hides her face in minjeong's neck, arms wrapped around her waist. she places a swift kiss on minjeong's collarbone, basking in the warmth she's grown so fond of. 

 

she smiles against the fabric of minjeong's shirt, feeling everything at ease.

 

"i want to love you, minjeong. with all my heart." 

 

and minjeong tightens her hold on the woman she's long fallen for, nose buried in her lustrous hair as a broad grin forms on her lips. the feeling of having yizhuo in her embrace (god, finally...), a day she never thought would come— it has her heart soaring, head high in the clouds.

 

and until yizhuo can say the words she longs to hear, minjeong would cradle her close, bestowing yizhuo a song between her ribcages.

 

—