What do you call it? That feeling. It bubbles up in your stomach. Makes any length between you and that person feel so small even if they were faraway. 

 

Jongin smiles as he taps his foot to the beat being blasted in the house. Red solo cup in his right hand. Across from him, on the opposite side of the living room was Kyungsoo. He had invited him to his weird house party. 

 

It was weird to go to a house party at twenty five. They were in that awkward teeter-totter of their twenties. Old enough to make good money but young enough to not know how to properly invest it. 

 

Everyone at this party was around the same age. They were trying to recreate their suppressed teenage years, either from strict families or academic responsibilities. 

 

Kyungsoo was trying to win at some drinking game that was way too complicated for Jongin to comprehend. 

 

Jongin was a good kid. Did everything well academically and appeared good mannered to his parents. This was Jongin's first mature relationship. He was a Saint to his parents but long college days were filled with messy overly ual relationships. 

 

He thought that relationships did go past the backseat of a foreign car. He had class of course. High end cars that can go fast. Fast like the amount of time these guys use him and throw him away. 

 

Nothing more than a coffee and maybe a bagel from the college Cafe. Rushed to get to the next class but with enough amount of time to look presentable. 

 

Jongin would make fun of himself. How he'd let these guys him on the highest floor of the college parking garage in their expensive cars or having to keep it down in the dorm room.

 

He smiled to hide the pain. 

 

It was different with Kyungsoo. 

 

They met at Jongin's job. He was shadowing the main merchandiser at H&M. He was just grabbing a rack when this guy tugged at his arm. 

 

"You work here right?" 

 

Jongin hated that question. Yes he technically works there but he was not a sales representative. He does not deal with customers. 

 

He turned and was about to explain this to the man but he stopped when he saw how worried this guy in glasses looked. 

 

"My brother is bringing his girlfriend's parents over and I need to look presentable. I need to look- like like-"

 

"Spiffy but friendly. Like I wouldn't normally wear this and you know that but you appreciate the effort I put in."

 

The man broke out in a heart shaped smile, "Yes."

 

Jongin's icy "I hate customers" stare broke. "Follow me."

 

He led this man to the dress shirts but this was H&M so they weren't the kind you'd see on your father. Jongin hummed as he selected a few, every now and then he'd turn to the guy to hold the shirt up to him.

 

He gave him three options. "Two monochromatic and one light blue. White if you want to be more scholarly. Light blue to seem family friendly. Black to steal the show."

 

The man laughed, "Which one would you choose?"

 

"Take your glasses off." The man willingly did "The black but your brother's girlfriend might want to go home with you."

 

"You're too kind-"

 

"Jongin."

 

"Kyungsoo." He stuck his hand out to shake Jongin's. "You're my savior."

 

Kyungsoo was an occupational therapist. He worked with children that had autism and other cognitive disabilities. He didn't care what he wore and wasn't even well versed in brands.

 

He was by the book on the outside but wild on the inside. Jongin looked colorful with his wild hair and outfits, tattoos and you'd have smoke from his vape pen blown into your face if you walked up to him. Inside Jongin was insecure and dorky but didn't want anyone to see that side. 

 

The following weekend Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo hung around the H&M trying to see if Jongin was there. Unknowingly, said man was in the back tagging new merchandise. Jongin's coworkers said he loitered in the store for an hour before one of them asked him what he wanted.

 

Jongin was obviously disgruntled when he was forced to meet someone on the sales floor. He was ready to bite someone's head off but stopped when he saw it was Kyungsoo.

 

He had a small gift bag in his hand and when he saw Jongin his whole demeanor brightened up. He ed the bag out for Jongin to grab. 

 

"It's gift cards to Starbucks and Target."

 

Jongin liked both stores. "Thank you, it'll be well used."

 

Kyungsoo looked like he wanted to say something, "I actually wanted to ask if I can buy you a meal."

 

Jongin grimaced, no one- no guy had been this nice to him. He'd be thankful if they'd put the on themselves.

 

"He's off at two."

 

Jongin had completely forgotten that a coworker was still nearby. Jongin glared at them. 

 

"Perfect! I'll meet you outside of the store then."

 

Jongin was going to hot box the employee lounge just to get revenge on his coworkers. 

 

When two came around, Jongin dreaded waking up to that flannel, corduroy pants and dad shoe combo. He looked so different from jongin. It was like that meme about the gay friends going to brunch. Jongin was Kerby and Kyungsoo was that frog. 

 

Kyungsoo waved at him. 

 

"Uhh you don't really have to do this." Jongin tried to be as blase about it 

 

"I insist. What's around here? The cheesecake factory?"

 

"You really don't have to."

 

Either Kyungsoo was acting stupid or he did care. "What would you have eaten if you had gone home after work?"

 

"Pancakes."

 

Kyungsoo choked "I didn't think you'd be that honest."

 

"Why wouldn't I? I'm not trying to impress you."

 

Kyungsoo chuckled, "Consider me unimpressed. I think I saw an IHOP nearby. Do you want to take my car or your car?"

 

"I don't drive." 

 

"My car is lot B. It's a black Kia."

 

Jongin was unimpressed by this. Sure it was foreign but it wasn't the ones he was used to.

 

They went to the IHOP near the mall and Kyungsoo followed Jongin and got pancakes as well. In the middle of their lunch, Kyungsoo stifled a laugh.

 

"What?"

 

"You cut your pancakes through the middle of your fork."

 

"Doesn't everyone do that?"

 

"Usually people cut on the top of the fork."

 

Jongin rolled his eyes. It was unnatural, he openly talked about everything to Kyungsoo; college, work and past relationships. It was like word vomit but the man actually listened and appeared interested. 

 

Two hours passed Kyungsoo had offered Jongin a ride home but he refused. He waited with Jongin in a Walgreens while his ride came. 

 

They window shopped in the makeup section and Kyungsoo would ask Jongin to point out the things he'd use. They would make silly comments about products and Jongin laughed. He never laughed on dates.

 

Eventually Jongin's ride came. They exchanged numbers and they both asked for the other to text them when they got home.

 

After that, things snowballed.

 

They hung out with each other every weekend and texted almost every second. Movies, dinner or just walking around the city. Jongin jumped at every vibrate of his phone and rushed to answer the text, even pausing his work which was rare because he was a workaholic. 

 

It seemed like whenever they hung out, the last thing they would do was go to target. Kyungsoo would comment on all the frivolous items Jongin would buy and Jongin would always say, "I'm not trying to impress you." 

 

Their lives were different. Jongin still lived at home and was not at a "practical" stable job meanwhile Kyungsoo lived with his college housemates and is working on his master's as well as having an active career. But they managed to have a lot in common. Be it interests or ways of thinking.

 

This went on for three months. Then the fight happened. Jongin voiced to Kyungsoo that his parents wanted to meet him. They wanted to know the guy that stole their son away on the weekends.

 

"Yeah of course as a friend right?"

 

Jongin paused his eating. They were at Panera so Kyungsoo could get some work done.

 

"I- I thought we were kind of dating."

 

"Jongin… you know I'm still hung up on my ex."

 

Jongin vaguely remembers how Kyungsoo's ex who was white had very strict racist parents that would verbally assault him when they'd see him. But that was a long time ago. Why would he even invest time into Jongin?

 

"I- I assumed. We hug, we hold hands and act like a couple."

 

Kyungsoo laid back in his chair, "I see you as a platonic friend."

 

Jongin dropped his fork on his plate, "You're an ."

 

The other man shook his head, "I am not an . Don't call me that."

 

Jongin scoffed, "Then what should I call you? You led me on!"

 

"Anything but not an . I made it very clear that I was emotionally unavailable."

 

"But you're a ing ! If you feel like that then you wouldn't do couple-y things with me."

 

"Jongin." Kyungsoo warned.

 

"Whatever. you, you piece of . Don't think you can string me along anymore." 

 

Jongin got up and made sure to hit Kyungsoo with his backpack. 

 

He was going to have to walk home and his house was in the northern residential part of the city which was quite a walk but he couldn't be in the same car as that .

 

He wanted to break down but Jongin didn't want to appear weak. No, Jongin was going to do the opposite. He wanted to get revenge and his beat way to get it was .

 

That night, Jongin went out. He told his parents he was going to spend the night at his high school friend's house. He ended up in a club instead. He got boozed up and danced with any willing participant. 

 

Eventually he went home with this one guy. He kept bragging about being into crypto currency and had a street racing car. He kept trying to impress Jongin but he could care less They. He just wanted revenge .

 

They went to this guy's house and they made out in his room. When the guy was getting ready in the bathroom, Jongin sobered up and realized what he was doing. He had told himself since his last ex that he would not use as a tool to release emotions.

 

Jongin ended up at his friend's house. Sehun welcomed him with open arms. He did mention that his boyfriend was there so they couldn't sleep in the same bed. Nonetheless, Jongin was fine sleeping on the couch.

 

He grabbed the carton of cigarettes on the coffee table and chain smoked until he felt calm. There were squeaks of a bed moving back and forth.. at least someone was getting lucky 

 

Jongin snorted as he realized that maybe this was his punishment for being promiscuous. He would never find anyone that would truly want to date him. He was just an easy target for hookups.

 

In the morning, Jongin had Sehun drive him home. It was fine and dandy until as they were rounding the corner to his street, he saw the familiar black Kia. "Turn back."

 

"What why?"

 

Jongin pointed at the black car parked in front of his house. "He's here."

 

Sehun looked surprised, "Why would he be here if he told you all that ? Maybe I should talk to him."

 

"No, don't. I don't want conflict. Let's just go back to your place."

 

Jongin got ready for work at Sehun's place and took an Uber to the mall. He updated his parents on his whereabouts and his mom did tell him that Kyungsoo was looking for him. She said that he was really upset. Jongin told her he'd explain later.

 

Work kept his mind busy and that made the day go by faster. Every now and then he'd feel his phone buzz but he ignored it. His lock screen showed that Kyungsoo was texting him nonstop.  

 

Jongin was hiding in the docking bay near the trash cans so security wouldn't yell at him for vaping. He had told his mom about his whereabouts and was waiting for her to pick him up.

 

From there, he can see a short man in flannel and dad shoes walk quickly to the mall entrance. By the time his mom's car pulled up, Kyungsoo was long gone from the parking lot.

 

Jongin got in the car and with one look to his mom, he broke down. He told her everything that went down at Panera. He left out the parts of him trying to hook up with some random. She comforted him and told Jongin that if Kyungsoo shows up at the house again, she'll turn him away.

 

Sehun offered him a getaway weekend to San Francisco and to stay at his sister's house. Jongin's parents agreed since they liked Sehun a lot.

 

Hunmi was a radical hippie. Her apartment was near the beach and there was always one window open to let smoke out. She didn't approve of her little brother and his friend's cigarette/vaping habit and preferred them to smoke pot instead. 

 

That weekend was a bit of a blur. He spent most of his time walking around with Sehun. He was either high out of his mind or drunk. A break up had never affected him like this.

 

A month passed by and Jongin repeated the cycle he did in San Francisco on his days off. He couldn't be left alone in his thoughts because they were dangerous. It felt like every time his mind went quiet, thoughts of his time with Kyungsoo would storm in. He was tortured with that sequence every day. 

 

It wasn't until Jongin got a little too drunk and was stumbling. Sehun and his boyfriend tried to take care of him but they were both drunk as well. Jongin fell in a bush and flopped onto his hands and knees to get out. The fast movements made him vomit on the city gutter. 

 

The group crawled (yes, jongin was still on his hands and knees) a block up. Sehun's boyfriend went into a liquor store and bought a small bottle of tequila. They went into the alleyway and took turns drinking it. Somewhere in that time, Jongin dialed Kyungsoo and said man heard Jongin complain about not being able to walk. 

 

"Jongin you'll be fine, we'll just help you up." 

 

"No, please. I want to stay here and just sleep."

 

"Come on Jongin." Sehun's boyfriend grunted as he put Jongin on his back. "Up we go."

 

Sehun patted Jongin's back, "You'll be okay, we'll get you home."

 

Jongin passed out but woke up when his nice temporary bed vibrated. "Hey man, calm down. We're his friends."

 

"If you're his friends then you shouldn't have gotten him this drunk."

 

Jongin felt someone try to pull him away from the back he was being carried on. He pushed away the hand but it came back and grabbed him from his underarms. He resisted which caused him to fall to the ground. He hissed when he felt his knees scrape.

 

He vomited a little and was about to crawl to his house but Kyungsoo stopped him. "Your parents think you're with your friends. I'll take you to my place and get you sober."

 

Jongin pushed Kyungsoo's face away and got up. He was about to walk forward to join Sehun and his boyfriend but he almost fell again. Kyungsoo had caught him and dragged him to his car,  "Let's get you in here."

 

There was a bit of a struggle and Sehun had to step in to intervene. "Hey hey hey, why should I trust you with my friend."

 

He grabbed Jongin from Kyungsoo and placed his arms around his waist. "You did this to him!"

 

"Be quiet, his parents will hear."

 

" you , I'm not giving you him." Sehun handed his boyfriend Jongin and they were about to start walking to their house when Kyungsoo spoke up.

 

"I'll call the cops on you! I say you're publicly intoxicated."

 

"What the is wrong with you?" Sehun was about to start swinging but his boyfriend stopped him.

 

"Listen man, we can't just give you jongin. How do we know if you're not going to take advantage of him?"

 

"I care about him."

 

"Bull." Jongin and sehun said in unison.

 

Jongin struggled to release himself from the grip his friend had on him.

 

"I'll just go with him. I'll let you know if I need help." Jongin stubbled to the car and when Kyungsoo tried to help him out he pushed him away.

 

It went on like that for the rest of the trip to Kyungsoo's house. He'd tried to touch Jongin and the man would push him away.

 

They went straight to Kyungsoo's room so they wouldn't disturb his house mates. It had to be the master bedroom because it had an attached bathroom. Other than that it was very monochromatic and bare.

 

"We need to bathe you. You smell like liquor and vomit." 

 

Kyungsoo was trying to help Jongin undress but he stopped him, "I can do it."

 

"Alright, I'll start the bath."

 

Jongin left his underwear on and waited for the bath to be ready. Kyungsoo informed him when it was. He exited the bathroom to give Jongin privacy to take his remaining garment off and enter the tub.

 

Once Jongin was settled in, Kyungsoo squatted next to the tub and started helping Jongin clean himself. 

 

Kyungsoo would try to be as respectful as possible and would keep his gaze up. But he did pause when the loofah went over Jongin's scars on his arms. 

 

Jongin noticed his gaze, "I was Eighteen. He was twenty four. I was just so happy someone wanted me but he was a nightmare. He would burn me with his cigarettes if I didn't comply. I was his little puppet to control." 

 

Kyungsoo brought up the arm to his eye level. He looked like he wanted to kiss the scars but Jongin took his arm back, "He also told me we weren't dating. That it was all in my head but God forbid someone flirted with me or I tried seeing someone else. It's not the physical pain that hurts, it's the psychological."

 

"I'm sorry, Jongin."

 

Kyungsoo looked genuinely sorry but Jongin was not having it, "I'm ready to get out."

 

Kyungsoo came back with fresh clothes and a towel. He left Jongin alone to change since he was sober enough to do things by himself. 

 

It felt awkward because Kyungsoo insisted Jongin to sleep on the bed. "I can sleep on the couch in the living room."

 

But Jongin grabbed his arm, "No. Stay. I think we can both fit."

 

They fit if they both slept on their sides and one was practically spooning the other. It wasn't the best situation considering that they had unspoken things to say to each other. 

 

Jongin tried his best not to feel Kyungsoo hugging him in his sleep or kissing him on his shoulders. The trailing finger felt hot even though it was over his clothes. He felt it, it was nicely snuggled in his . 

 

He really shouldn't because if they went that far, Jongin will really break down but he wanted it so badly. The next time Kyungsoo's fingers reached his hip, Jongin grabbed his hand and led it inside of his sweats.

 

Kyungsoo lightly squeezed Jongin's before rocking his own into Jongin's . The boy lightly moaned but it wasn't enough. "Take your pants off."

 

Kyungsoo pulled his pants down as did Jongin. Kyungsoo still had his hand cupping Jongin's . The feeling of Kyungsoo's slide against his without a barrier had Jongin really .

 

It all started being too much when Kyungsoo began to jerk jongin off. He whimpered when the familiar pull began and he pushed the hand away so he can get up. 

 

Kyungsoo was about to apologize but Jongin stopped him, "I need to- please just- do you have?"

 

The other man nodded. He grabbed the lube and while Jongin took off his sweats and got on his hands and knees. 

 

He felt Kyungsoo kneel behind him, "Okay, here we go."

 

Jongin lightly whined when the first finger went in. It had been a while since he had but he was able to soldier on, "Do the second one."

 

Kyungsoo pulled out the first finger to add the second one. This time, Jongin's legs parted wide. His face was inches from the pillow. When Kyungsoo felt he was stretched enough, he added the third.

 

This one had Jongin cover his mouth. It felt so good and Kyungsoo found his prostate with no problem. He was rocking back onto the fingers like his life depended on it. The shirt that he was wearing had been covered in little damp spots of precum. 

 

"Stick it in." Kyungsoo was about to leave a trail of kisses but Jongin stopped him, "Just put it in."

 

"Alright."

 

It felt good. Kyungsoo's was amazing and he actually cared about Jongin's needs. Jongin was pretty submissive in bed. Years of abuse leads you to believe you're nothing but a hole.

 

Jongin couldn't even voice his orgasim because it was all new territory. He let out whimpers as it built up until he let out one last cry. His splattered on the bed.

 

He chanted sorrys because he'd just come first and ruined the bed. Kyungsoo was busy chasing his own release to even talk. But similar to Jongin, he groaned one last time before .

 

When they were done, Jongin got up from the bed to clean himself in the bathroom. He grabbed his clothes that he wore to the club that Kyungsoo folded neatly on the counter.

 

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. This was going to be hard to forget because he actually cared about this guy. He didn't leave marks or kiss Jongin but it felt like he was all over Jongin's skin.

 

He exited the bathroom thinking Kyungsoo was already asleep. He did take a while in there.He turned the lights off and was tip toeing to the bedroom door.  

 

As he was turning the bedroom door, Kyungsoo spoke up, "Jongin? Where are you going?"

 

Jongin jumped, "oh I'm going to have a smoke."

 

"With your clothes?"

 

"Yes?" 

 

Kyungsoo got out of his bed to turn the lights on. "You're running away."

 

"This was just a hookup. We don't need to cuddle and ."

 

Kyungsoo crossed his arms,"You think this was just a hookup?" 

 

"What would you call it?"

 

"Jongin, I care about you."

 

"Don't do this. The 'I'm your friend and I care about you' spiel. I don't need a friend with benefits."

 

Kyungsoo sat on his desk chair, "I like you Jongin but I can't be the person you want. If we date you're going to see that I can't invest emotions in you. I'm broken beyond repair. "

 

"Why chase me around if you weren't going to date me?"

 

"You're just so unique and unattainable. You were this enigma and I couldn't believe you'd let me hang out with you. I'm still emotionally into Leilani but-"

 

"But what?" 

 

"I can't not hang out with you. I look forward to hanging out with you. You're like the highlight of my week. Just give me time and maybe we can work out."

 

Jongin wrapped his arms around himself, "I deserve more than a maybe."

 

Kyungsoo sighed and got up from his chair, grabbing his keys, "Let me drive you home."

 

"Don't." Jongin paused as he was about to open the door, "I thought you were different but you're just like the rest of them."

 

Jongin slammed the door not realizing there were a couple of housemates loitering in the kitchen. 

 

"You must be jongin!" One said

 

"Uh, yeah."

 

"It's so nice to finally meet you. Kyungsoo doesn't shut up about you."

 

Jongin gave them a weak smile, "thanks for letting me inside your house."

 

Kyungsoo's house was on the other side of town. The buses weren't running and Jongin really didn't want to Uber. He just wanted to cry, by himself so no one could see his vulnerability.

 

Jongin doesn't like to think of that walk home. It lasted forever and he was embarrassed that the people he passed in the streets saw him crying. 

 

"Jongin!" Kyungsoo walked up to him, "Come try this drink."

 

They went to the kitchen. Kyungsoo was a little past tipsy so his walking was a bit funny. He led his boyfriend hand in hand to this punch bowl. He opened the cabinet to get another disposable cup for Jongin. Unknowingly showing him the bottle of wine he bought Kyungsoo at one of their Trade Joe dates.

 

He was touched. He thought Kyungsoo probably shared it with housemates but there it was tucked in a corner of the cabinets, untouched.

 

Surprisingly it only took Kyungsoo three days to show up at Jongin's house in the early hours of night. 

 

He texted Jongin to come out, which he did. Jongin didn't walk down the porch steps. He just stood at the foot of the lading. "What do you want?"

 

"I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm sorry for being such a jerk."

 

"An ." Jongin said icily.

 

Kyungsoo bowed his head, "Yeah, an . Can I just come inside?"

 

Jongin shook his head, "My parents are inside."

 

"Can I at least sit with you on the porch?"

 

"Just tell me why you're here." 

 

Kyungsoo sighed,"Jongin, will you date me? I want to be your boyfriend. I want to hold your hand and parade you around."

 

"What about Leilani?"

 

"She's no longer the one I'm losing sleep over.  Jongin if I don't see you, I get this weird pain in my chest. It's like when someone loses their child in the grocery store. I need to frantically look for you. I want to prove to you that I'm nothing like your previous exes. Will you let me?"

 

Jongin walked down the stairs, arms crossed. He stopped at the gate. "Tomorrow I get off work at three p.m. I request to be wined and dined at the finest places."

 

Kyungsoo let out a laugh of relief, "I'll see you then."

 

Dating came easy, they were already doing the concept of dating but this was official.

 

 Kyungsoo was a bit possessive and didn't like it when guys and girls hitted on Jongin. They couldn't believe they were a couple.

 

It didn't matter to Jongin because Kyungsoo was all that he wanted. He didn't need theatrics on their dates. They could just wear sweats and t-shirts and go to Target and he'd be happy.

 

Two months in, they met each other's parents. Kyungsoo's were happy that Jongin was Korean too and Jongin's were just happy they met a boyfriend.

 

Sometimes Jongin would spend multiple days at Kyungsoo's house. The housemates would often complain about the noise but it didn't matter because they preferred Jongin over Kyungsoo's ex. 

 

was a touchy subject. There would be times when jongin wouldn't want to be touched at all and then the next day, he'd be glued to Kyungsoo's . 

 

Jongin began to go to therapy for the trauma he endured during his past relationships. It was difficult for both of them because Kyungsoo wasn't addressing his own trauma. Eventually he went to therapy for his own problems.

 

"Let's go to my room. I'm tired."

 

Jongin helped Kyungsoo dress down and into his pajamas. The music was still blaring but Kyungsoo could fall asleep at any moment. 

 

Jongin had his own drawer for his clothes as well as toiletries. He changed after he settled Kyungsoo in bed. 

 

Kyungsoo was starfished on the bed, leaving no room for his boyfriend. Jongin faintly laughed before  sitting on the desk chair, watching Kyungsoo sleep.

 

Ten minutes passed and Kyungsoo began to flail his arm around."Where are you?"

 

Jongin grabbed his hand and placed it against his cheek, "I'm here."

 

Kyungsoo hummed in delight, "You're so sweet. That's why i love you."

 

Jongin gasped. None of his boyfriends have told him that. He was stunned but now that he thought about it. It was the feeling he felt in his stomach earlier.

 

He was in love. 

 

Love. 

 

Maybe that's why he fell for Kyungsoo so quickly. Not to be cliche but it was probably love at first sight. They were just too damaged to see it.

 

Jongin placed a kiss on Kyungsoo's palm, "I love you, too."

---

A/N: Some of these events were true. the real ending is tragic and if you want i can do an alternate ending.