“Do you think this is a good idea?"

 

Minjoo freezes on her spot. Hands lightly gripping on the balcony rails as she was about to haul her weight over to the other side of it.

 

She pauses for a second, then smirks.

 

Looking over her shoulder, she side eyes the older girl. A glint washes over her eyes. The dark color makes it look like molten chocolates under the moonlit veranda.

 

"It's only a bad idea if you think it is a bad idea." Minjoo stays still, her hands still gripping onto the cold railings.

 

Maybe it's how the moonlight reflects on Minjoo's sun-kissed skin. It glows under the soft illumination that Chaewon is starting to think that this may be a dream. That maybe the way her eyes are shining while looking at her was really just the trick of the light.

 

Chaewon knows that she has always looked at Minjoo with filtered lenses. This must be all in her head.

 

"Chae?" Minjoo suddenly turns around, the gentleness in her voice cracks the last piece of resistance Chaewon had— if she even had some in the first place.

 

She always succumbs to whatever Minjoo wants to do. Always.

 

And maybe it is because of the moonlight glowing over Minjoo's body. She swears she saw something akin to affection flashing in her dark orbs. Even if it was just a sliver of a moment.

 

Minjoo then stretches out her hand, palm up. Silently asking for hers.

 

"C'mon," Minjoo whispered. If Chaewon wasn't always so attuned to what Minjoo says or does, she would've missed it. Easily carried away by the howling wind of the night.

 

But Chaewon always pays attention to what Minjoo has to say.

 

She stares. Breathes. Then grits her teeth.

 

.

 

Chaewon accepts Minjoo's hand, her grip firm. The skin felt like frostbite to Chaewon's warm hands. It was so cold.

 

And just so Minjoo.

 

The younger girl then breaks into a grin. Her pearly white teeth slightly peeking out of her lips as the dip under her left eye makes its appearance.

 

I'm so ed.

 

Chaewon feels like she voluntarily bit a bullet.

-

It's suffocating.

 

Chaewon feels so suffocated as they try and get past the fences that border the private village that she lives in. A little, this particular village is known to be a bit more prestigious. Families that are over the average when it comes to their annual income do live here.

 

And maybe that's exactly why it's a little stricter on this side of the city. A curfew is imposed on everyone that lives in that village. It is said to help the peaceful atmosphere to be undisturbed at night. Chaewon couldn't deny that it does help because her annoying neighbor couldn't throw a party late at night unless they wanted to pay charges.

 

The only problem with the curfew right now is that it's a hindrance in her and Minjoo's late night rendezvous. One of the curfew rules is that the residents are not allowed to loiter around the neighborhood after ten o' clock.

 

But here she is. Gripping onto Minjoo's hand as they try to sneak past the guard at the gates of the village. The cold skin slowly warms up the longer it stays in contact with Chaewon's.

 

"Minjoo, I take it back." Chaewon tugs onto the younger girl's hand. "Please take me back to my room. I don't like this."

 

Chaewon can feel the anxiety crawling on her skin like a spider. It feels like each movement of its imaginary legs are adding more to Chaewon's anxious state. It was undeniably getting harder to breathe.

 

"We're already here, Chae." Minjoo tried her best to reassure her. She lightly squeezed the hand in between hers before giving Chaewon a soft grin, the corner of her lips slightly turning upward. "Just stay close to me."

 

Just stay close to me.

 

Chaewon takes a deep breath. Trying to calm herself down was a tough feat to overcome. Being clinically diagnosed with anxiety disorder doesn't really help her case when she tries to go out of her comfort zone.

 

Just like this. This is way out of her comfort zone. She was never the type to sneak around or to break rules like the village's curfew. And she knows it won't be an exaggeration when she says that she's about to have a panic attack right now.

 

But Minjoo always nudges her out of said comfort zone. Pushes her to her limits as the younger girl was known to be a little (read: a lot) more adventurous than her.

 

She feels Minjoo squeeze her hand again. And it suddenly feels easier to breathe. Her lungs ease up at the comforting action and she releases another breath. 

 

Okay.

 

Okay.

 

Chaewon looks up at the younger girl. Briefly nodding her head as a sign to continue.

 

Minjoo grins.

 

"Okay. Now let's—"

 

"Hey, you two!" A loud shout from behind them. Shrilling as it pierced through the silent air.

 

Chaewon feels like she just got plunged underwater.

 

"It's past curfew!" 

 

Oh God.

 

Chaewon feels like ing drowning.

 

"," Minjoo muttered under her breath.

 

"Minjoo." Chaewon manages to choke out amidst her panic. Bile starts to rise up from her stomach as she feels like vomiting.

 

"Run," Minjoo simply stated before pulling onto Chaewon's hand. Almost dragging the older girl's body as they run past the gates.

 

"You two! Stop right there!" The guard uselessly shouts towards the fleeting figures. 

 

Chaewon still feels like drowning. Her lungs feel like it's getting squeezed again. A harsh grip holds onto them as they force the air out, subsequently not allowing air to enter. 

 

Her chest hurts and she's running on pure adrenaline. Her legs move fast as it paces along with Minjoo's long ones. The fear of the guard catching up to them was setting her body on fire. She feels incredibly hot as they outrun the lone man in a security guard uniform. 

 

I'm so ed. I'm so ed. I'm so ed!

 

Chaewon kept repeating the words in her head as she gripped onto Minjoo's hand tighter. 

 

She was so into her anxious and panicked state that she didn't realize they were already nearing the denser part of the city. Shops were already lining in her vision as they met more people walking by. She couldn't immediately register it because of her burning lungs and chest. The streetlights were blurry as she's certain she's seeing double.

 

The two teenage girls slow down as they try to catch their breath. Minjoo was panting, but Chaewon evidently had a more erratic breathing. Minjoo pauses almost immediately as she forces Chaewon to face her. 

 

"Hey, Chae?" she called out, worried. The older girl just kept breathing out of . The rise and fall of her chest was so erratic that Minjoo grabbed her shoulders to make her look straight into her dark eyes. "Chae, breathe for me, yeah?"

 

Chaewon dumbly nodded as she tried to gasp for air. She thinks her chest is on fire. There was also a lump forming in that made her eyes glimmer under the poor lighting of the city. Tears unwillingly brimmed her caramel-colored eyes.

 

", should I have brought you back to your room?" Minjoo uttered, most likely talking to herself. Worry and concern swirl around her chocolate orbs.

 

It was so ironic.

 

Minjoo, the ever-so-rebellious teenager of their high school was contemplating that maybe she should've followed a stupid village rule for the sake of Chaewon.

 

Minjoo, the girl that always shoves Chaewon out of her comfort zone was so worried that maybe she went a little too far with pushing the older girl to her limits.

 

Minjoo, the girl who was always so cold and indifferent, is concerned for Chaewon's well being right now. But with the way she's looking over at Chaewon right now— she feels so warm. 

 

So ing warm.

 

Chaewon laughs at the irony of it all.

 

She laughs so mirthfully that Minjoo was starting to feel a little confused. The tightness and the burning sensation in Chaewon's lungs eases the more she laughs at the situation they are in.

 

"I couldn't breathe, you know?" Chaewon asks rhetorically. "And now when we're already far inside the city, you're considering taking me back to my room?"

 

Chaewon laughs again.

 

Odd.

 

Minjoo is so odd.

 

Chaewon could only laugh at that fact 

 

"Yeah." A grin breaks out on Minjoo's face again. "That was kinda stupid of me to think." The younger girl was chuckling now. Her eyes focused on the way Chaewon's own eyes crinkle at how much she's laughing right now. Her usually gentle high-pitched voice breaks out into a cackle as her body leans back a bit. A hand on her stomach as the other holds onto Minjoo's shoulder for support.

 

Minjoo stares. Chuckles. Then holds onto her wrist.

 

"That starved me." Minjoo stated, the tone of her voice implying something.

 

"Burgers?" Chaewon asked knowingly. Her laughter had died down as she grins oh-so-adorably up at Minjoo.

 

The younger girl could only nod her head, her smile softer than before.

 

Chaewon doesn't know, but Minjoo also looks at her with filtered lenses.

-

They both devour their food the moment the familiar waitress places them on their table.

 

A burger that is stacked so high with its meaty patty and veggies greets Chaewon menacingly. Even if she already knows it won't fit in , she still tries to anyway. Fat pieces of fries litter on the other side of her plate with a small white container with mixed ketchup and mayonnaise as a dip. 

 

It was mouthwatering— safe to say it's a greasy heaven that both Minjoo and Chaewon love to indulge in.

 

They were eating silently when the waitress went back to place two tall glasses. A sugary drink with whipped cream swirled just above the liquid. One was pink and one was dark brown. The pink one had a cherry adorning the frothy cream as the other one had chocolate sprinkles.

 

Strawberry and Chocolate milkshakes.

 

Minjoo looks up at the older woman, questions flowing out of her eyes as they both know they didn't order any drinks.

 

"On the house." She simply stated with a smile.

 

"Thank you, Hyewon." Chaewon returns the older girl's smile with her own. "Tell Eunbi we said hi."

 

"Oh, I definitely will." Hyewon winks at her before turning around. She walked back to the kitchen with languid steps, but not before slipping out a confession. "Your Eunbi's favorite customers. I think she'd be sad if I didn't relay the message."

 

Chaewon still had a wide grin as she watched Hyewon's retreating figure.

 

Twilight was the diner Minjoo introduced to Chaewon after they met in high school. 

 

They were freshmen, and Minjoo had the unfortunate luck to witness Chaewon having a panic attack behind the school building. The younger girl goes out there to smoke. But it was only the sight of a choked up Chaewon that greeted her there. It was unpleasant, to say the least.

 

Minjoo grimaces at the memory.

 

It upsetted her greatly.

 

That's why she brought her here to cheer her up after she helped her calm down.

 

The diner was run by Eunbi and her wife, Hyewon. The older woman was ecstatic to see Minjoo with a friend. She's known Minjoo since she was in her fangirling-over-girl-groups stage before she became… like this. 

 

It was safe to say that Eunbi was like an older sister to her. And in extension, she felt like an older sister to Chaewon too. With how much the two frequent the small shop, she couldn't help but adore their budding friendship. 

 

Or maybe a budding relationship is more accurate.

 

Eunbi can see through those two.

 

And she thinks they're too dense to see what she sees. But she digresses. The teenagers should learn how to love at their own pace. She's not invasive.

 

The two girls didn't notice the pair of brown eyes peeking through the kitchen window. A small grin adorned the woman's lips as she watched them converse to each other quietly.

 

Ah, young love.

-

"I feel so full."

 

"Me too," Minjoo replied as she firmly held onto Chaewon's left hand. The older girl was walking on one of the steel rails, trying to balance herself there with Minjoo's help.

 

They were at the railroad tracks that's a bit farther away from the bustling city. Trees border the train tracks. The area located beside these tracks was somewhat abandoned. A junkyard of some sort with a lot of broken down cars, household machines, and other stuff considered as junk, littered the place.

 

It became Minjoo's little place of escape.

 

As to which, Chaewon wants to ask—

 

"Are you really okay, though?" Minjoo beats her to it. 

 

It was curious. How Minjoo is the one asking her that when she goes to this place specifically, with her in tow, if she wanted to escape reality. Chaewon feels slightly baffled.

 

"Shouldn't I be asking that?" Chaewon said with a lilt in her voice. Worried undertones paint them, but Minjoo decidedly ignores them.

 

"I'm not the one who nearly had a panic attack earlier."

 

It was quiet here. Peaceful. Only the loud singing of crickets and cicadas fill in the atmosphere. The moon shines down on them as they continue walking. Chaewon's hand in Minjoo's, still balancing her footing on the steel rail.

 

A gust of wind blows past them. The cold biting the skin of their necks and faces as it remains uncovered and unprotected by any sort of fabric.

 

The wind was cold, but Chaewon's hands were warm. It was enough to keep Minjoo from freezing.

 

Chaewon stops, so does Minjoo. The older girl faces her as Minjoo instinctively holds her other hand out for Chaewon to grab. She clasps onto it as she feels her body wobble at the difficulty of balancing her weight.

 

Minjoo just silently helps her out. Her grip firm on the warm skin that was Chaewon's hands.

 

“Panic attacks are not new foes of mine, you know.” 

 

And not new foes, they are. Anxiety has been woven deeply into Chaewon’s system that she isn’t quite sure of who she is without them. They’re terrible. But Chaewon has learned to just live with it. Panic attacks that are not so occasional and get triggered almost easily. The burning of her lungs and chest earlier wasn’t a new experience for her. On the contrary, it’s so familiar for her.

 

It isn’t normal to get familiar with her demons, but she is. It’s honestly better than battling them blindly everyday.

 

“I wished they weren’t,” Minjoo quietly admits. She then looks up at her, a somber emotion fogging her dark chocolate orbs. “I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

 

And those panic attacks are painful. Minjoo knows even that was an understatement. They’re cruel and agonizing. Once it got a hold of you, they’d only tighten their grip. 

 

Suffocating you. Choking you. Burning you.

 

Minjoo has watched Chaewon go through this ordeal to make her feel it too.

 

The suffocation of being forced to let go of all your breath. Unwillingly.

 

It was hurting Minjoo to see Chaewon like this, too.

 

She wants to alleviate her pains, but she knows she can only do so much when the ones she wants to fight are inside the older girl. 

 

“I’m fine, Joo.” Chaewon just grins down at her. Their heights switched as Minjoo was standing flat on the ground while the older girl was atop the steel railing of the track. “I’m always fine when I’m with you.” 

 

The confession was vague. It could mean something platonic. But an understanding passes between them as Minjoo’s chocolates molds with Chaewon’s caramels.

 

They went silent as their hands stayed clasped onto one another. The atmosphere shifts into something heavy, the tension unbearably thick as they keep their eyes locked onto each other.

 

Chaewon then moves. Her hands letting go of Minjoo’s as she swiftly wraps her arms around her neck, burying her head into the crook of it. She greedily inhales the vanilla scent Minjoo emits, sinking into her arms as comfort comes in waves inside her body. She felt Minjoo wrap her arms around her waist, reciprocating the hug as she also nuzzles her nose into the older girl’s neck.

 

Maybe they’re more alike than they initially thought. Because Minjoo also immediately crumbles into her embrace as the odd scent of roses with hints of mint invades her senses. It calms Minjoo down. It eases her worries. She feels at home in Chaewon’s arms.

 

Minjoo is finally home.

 

“It’s your dad, isn’t it?” It comes out weak. A whisper to Minjoo’s ear. As if Chaewon speaks any louder, it’ll shatter the girl resting in her arms.

 

“Mhmm,” Minjoo just hums, affirmative. She didn’t wanna think about it too much. The horrors and the implications of danger when she returns to her parent’s house. She just wanted to rest in Chaewon arms. Preferably to sleep, even.

 

Chaewon pulls away, though.

 

Minjoo grumbles to herself as the older girl didn’t pay her any mind. She held onto Minjoo’s right arm, her grip on the sleeve of her jacket was strong. A shaky exhale leaves her lips.

 

Chaewon also didn’t like seeing Minjoo hurt.

 

She pulls up the sleeve of Minjoo’s dark denim jacket. The sight of her bruised and burned skin almost made her tear up.

 

Minjoo’s sun-kissed skin was stained with dark hues of purple, green and black. Nasty bruises, cigarette burns and open cut wounds littered her arm. She holds her gingerly. Careful as she didn’t want to inflict further damage.

 

Chaewon knows there’s more. But this is enough for her to see that Minjoo is hurt.

 

“It’s fine,” Minjoo tries to reassure her. “It’s fine.” She repeated.

 

It’s not.

 

Chaewon just wraps her arms around her neck again, hugging her tighter as if her warm presence would ease Minjoo’s wounds.

 

And honestly?

 

Minjoo already feels healed.

-

Soft percussion plays through their earphones.

 

They sat side by side on the roof of one of the abandoned cars in the junkyard. An ipod was placed in between the two girls— a splitter plugged in as they listened to music together with their own set of earphones.

 

Smoke puffs are white and piling

This head feels like an island

I am my own asylum

Their stares are beady but I don't mind

 

It honestly seems fitting. The song, Chaewon means.

 

Let 'em take their time

'Cause there ain't no new light to shed, no, no

 

Because Minjoo is smoking right now. Just beside her. Silently inhaling the drug as dark puffs of clouds stream out of her parted lips.

 

​​Pandemonium calms me down like an ocean, oh

An ocean, oh

 

There’s also the fact that they are both seemingly trying to escape their realities.

 

Minjoo’s undesirable family situation.

 

Chaewon’s suffocating disorders.

 

And I'm kissing pillow lips, drunk off saccharine potions, oh

And nothing really matters

 

And in the grand scheme of things, nothing really does matter.

 

'Cause everybody here is dyin', mm

Dyin' out in slow motion, mm

And everybody here is lyin', lyin'

Silently detonating emotions

 

Chaewon hums along. The song is as if lulling her to sleep. Chaewon rarely feels at peace. Not with her frequent panic attacks and tumultuous life. She closes her eyes.

 

She finally feels like she can breathe again.

 

Read the spaces between the lines

Mind your own business while I grow mine

No, it's never personal, yeah

Maybe that's the problem (that's the problem)

 

Minjoo shifts in her seat. She moved her hand on the roof of the car, her fingers pushing the of the cigarette down on the rusted metal and— oh. 

 

She’s done smoking? 

 

The cigarette stick was still relatively long. Minjoo barely inhaled half of the drug before killing its fire. Chaewon just looks at her curiously. The younger girl just smiles, streams of smoke still leaving her plump lips.

 

We loosen up every rung on the ladder

Serve up a smile on a silver platter

No one needs a pillar, just a painkiller or two

 

Minjoo places her weight on her right hand, her fingers drumming onto the surface as the tips lightly hit the edges of her ipod.

 

'Cause everybody here is dyin', mm

Dyin' out in slow motion, mm

 

It’s not a new model— the ipod. It was a 2005 model. An iconic looking little thing. Old, but still usable. Chaewon received it before her older sister went and flew to the States. A thing to remember her by or something.

 

And everybody here is lyin', lyin'

Silently detonating emotions

 

“I know you hate it when I smoke,” Minjoo suddenly spoke. She made sure her voice was loud enough for Chaewon to hear as the older girl has both of her earphones plugged in her ears as well.

 

But Chaewon heard her. Loud and clear.

 

“I’ll tone it down a bit”—Minjoo hesitates—”for you.”

 

Chaewon feels her heart become heavy with affection.

 

Mm, mm

We're dyin' in the dark

It's written there in the stars

 

“I-I think it’s a perfect time to slowly stop too, you know?” Minjoo continues to ramble. A chuckle escaped her lips as she didn’t want to seem like she didn’t care for her own health.

 

You're understood by so little

And loved only from afar

 

“You know being I’m 18 and all.”

 

And counting blessings is hard

I don't quite know where to start

 

Minjoo just continued on to talk. A habit she does whenever she feels nervous. Or whenever she feels too bare. She isn’t one to be all upfront about her feelings. And Chaewon knows this is her way of telling her she matters to her. Chaewon matters a lot to Minjoo.

 

She’ll do anything to be a perfect fit as Chaewon’s girlfriend— if ever they cross the boundaries between friends and lovers.

 

The gold is new, but the gray

Well, that's just state of the art

 

Chaewon just gazes at Minjoo with starry eyes.

 

The moonlight still made her look surreal—ethereal, even—with how it reflects against her face. Her sun-kissed skin was glowing under the illumination and her eyes were gleaming. Bright and clear. Dark chocolates that seem to be deeper than any ocean Chaewon has ever learned about.

 

And she will willingly dive in them.

 

She feels her heart getting full. Love and affection fill them to the brim.

 

The tinted lenses became darker, rosier in color as she continued to stare at Minjoo.

 

And bottoms up to skeletons all bottled up

Always going when the going gets too tough, oh

 

Then Minjoo turns her head towards her. The dark chocolates are back to mold into her sweet caramels. They stare at each other for a moment longer. And then— 

 

Chaewon feels her breath hitch.

 

Yeah, everybody here is dyin'

Dyin' out in slow motion

 

Minjoo gently cupped her face, swiftly pulling her closer to place her lips on top of hers.

 

And everybody here is lyin', lyin'

Silently detonating emotions

 

Their lips slot into each other with ease. Chaewon sank into Minjoo’s kiss almost immediately— as if she had waited for this moment to come. As if kissing Minjoo was something she always thought about.

 

Yeah, everybody here is dyin'

Dyin' out in slow motion

 

Chaewon’s arm unconsciously wrap themselves around Minjoo’s neck. Her hand finding itself buried inside the younger girl’s long, raven locks as she impossibly pulls her closer.

 

Minjoo tastes sweet.

 

Chaewon thinks it is the chocolate milkshake the younger girl consumed earlier.

 

And everybody here is lyin', lyin'

Silently detonating emotions

 

Chaewon only deepened the contact, wanting to taste more of the younger girl’s sweet taste. Minjoo lets her as she tugs her closer by the waist— also wanting to keep the older girl close to her.

 

The song was coming to an end. The tranquil soundscape made the moment a little more intimate for the two girls as they kissed under the moon’s soft and gentle light.

 

And yeah.

 

Every problem Chaewon has, every panic attack she experiences, every destruction her mind involves her in.

 

They all fade into a mindless blur whenever she’s with Minjoo.

 

Because Minjoo makes everything better.

 

Minjoo makes living bearable.

'Cause everybody here is dyin'