19th September' 19 (Autumn)

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(She should be in the apartment right now, under the covers, reading up on the reports she'd promised Jessica would be on her desk by noon tomorrow.

She needs to buy groceries, make an appointment with her dentist- the fact is, you see, that she needs to be at a lot of places, most of which she doesn't want to be at, but will, simply because she has to. There are other places, however, places she wants to visit, wants to see, but can't. Needs can't be compared to Wants, after all.

So, she settles for what is. The autumn air is crisp, perfect for a stroll to her favorite park bench. A distraction is a need. She can allow for a few of those once in a while, when it's favourable. She settles for a distraction.)

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They never really left her, those words. It's been over an year and yet, they still bob around in her head, seek crevices tinted  blue in the expanse of her mind and nuzzle in the crooks and crannies of memories she'd rather have erased.Times like these make Joohyun wish she didn't pride herself in her ability to listen. But pride is a devious little thing, unrelenting in it's grasp over one's conscience. Listening may have cost her this once, but it didn't the other thousand times. So, she settles. Settles on keeping her pride.

Sooyoung always did say that her stubbornness for settling would cost her. And while the younger had delivered her statement with a laugh characteristic of  light hearted mockery, Joohyun wishes she'd  taken greater notice of the faint glimmer in her eyes. Sooyoung was always the more perceptive one amongst the five of them, although a drunken Seulgi would begrudgingly attempt to refute the statement and crown Seungwan the 'Perception Queen', much to the latter's chagrin. Joohyun would never admit it out loud, but sometimes she silently agreed with Seulgi. Seungwan's nonchalant grins were disarming, but she would often look at Joohyun with the same glazed over, incomprehensible look when the topic of 'Life after' came up-  much akin to Sooyoung's 'I know you have something to say, Unnie', but different and a lot subtler in comparison. Perhaps, even more intimate, but no, that's merely wishful thinking on her end.

Joohyun learnt of what it meant later, though,  over the sound of cold wind swatting at her ears and frozen fists struggling to unclench. She'd learn of it's meaning much, much later. Joohyun always did loathe the idea of 'later'. Maybe if she'd been less stubborn, that 'later' would have have rooted itself as a 'never'.

"Stubbornness is a big 'ouch' sometimes, Unnie, for the stubborn one usually. You say you're happy with the way things are right now, but what if they can be better?"

Sooyoung is far more annoying than what Yerim gives her credit for.

Better is subjective. Better is a risk. Better is unfamiliar.  Bae Joohyun doesn't need 'better' when she has the 'good'. Sooyoung is far too idealistic, but she is who she is. It is what it is.
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(The bench is getting colder, but her legs don't feel like dragging her  fatigued self back home just yet.

Home.

"People can be home, but to be honest, Hyunnie?  I don't know how valid that is most of the time. I still believe it, though. I do. I'm just not sure of the 'hows'."

The park isn't crowded yet, perhaps she can stay  a little longer.)
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She finds it unfortunate how most realizations often strike past the hour of their need, doomed to remain muted as epiphanies and 'would-be's in the face of a grounding reality. And so, Joohyun hopelessly does all she can think of- she wishes. Wishes she'd  done things differently, wishes she'd  forgotten to listen to that parting statement, wishes she'd spoken the words that pricked at that September night. But the fact remains, that wishes too, are stubborn in their desire to remain unfulfilled. And thus, it makes sense to her (ironically) that what chooses to stay are words she'd ruefully wish away.

"The second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Stop by sometime, Hyun."