This isn’t love.

 

The way Luda brings out the gentlest side of Jiyeon all too easily, the soft touches, the erratic heart beats— it’s all part of effortless companionship. That’s what Jiyeon convinced herself with for so many years.

 

It can’t be love. Because Kim Jiyeon doesn’t fall in love, heck, she actively avoids it.

 

Out of the two types of people in the world, realists and hopeless romantics, Jiyeon considers herself as part of the former. As a realist, Jiyeon sees a pretty face and packs it in with every other pretty girl she's seen before. Hopeless romantics torture themselves, believing that they are brought on earth by a higher power to be with that one person. But Jiyeon believes life can be more than that.

 

Even with the rationalization, Luda herself isn’t exactly a hopeless romantic either. The younger girl is forward and cruelly blunt to an honest fault. She doesn’t act on something because of the beckoning of the red string of fate or some other silly, false interpretation of destiny out there. If Luda makes a move, it’s because she wants to, simple as that.

 

This makes Luda an enigma to Jiyeon.

 

“What do you want from me?” Jiyeon shakily asks, her arms crossed together to subconsciously protect herself.

 

The girl in front of her, barring Jiyeon from entering her own room, stands firm and doesn’t move away despite the clear torment. Instead of letting Jiyeon go, Luda’s forehead creases, the confusion clear and unsettling.

 

“What do you mean what do I want from you? I want to spend more time with you.” The spark in Luda’s eyes just grows into a fierce inferno. “I like you, in case you haven’t noticed.”

 

Jiyeon clenches her jaw, practically feels her heart tighten at the confession. Of course she noticed. How could she not when Luda looks at Jiyeon like she hung the stars up for her. Jiyeon combs through her hair, almost forgetting how short it is without the extensions on. She shakes her head, this can’t be happening.

 

“No.” It isn’t exactly an answer, Jiyeon knows that. It’s meant for herself as much as a reply for Luda. She keeps her head down, unable to look the younger girl in the eye.

 

“Why?” Luda’s voice is firm, barely cracking. One could see the rising level of skepticism and frustration. “Why do you keep running away?”

 

Jiyeon doesn’t expect the question. She sighs, then pushes her palms against her eyes to stop the burning sensation behind her lids. Why can’t Luda see it her way?

 

“Because this,” Jiyeon gestures in between them, “whatever this is can’t go any further. I won’t let it. I don’t... do this.”

 

This. Dating. Love.

 

Her walls are starting to break. Jiyeon hates this feeling the most and Luda knows that. Thankfully she respects it too. It could be comical in another setting, watching Luda bite her tongue just so Jiyeon can have her control back. If this was anyone else, Luda would have bared everything, even the uncomfortable truth. But for Jiyeon, Luda had exceptions.

 

“Go to sleep, unnie,” Luda says with resignation. “You’re exhausted. I can see it plain as day.”

 

Jiyeon only realizes how tightly she’s clutched onto her arms when Luda pries them away before taking ahold of her hand, then directing Jiyeon to her shared room with Sojung. Once inside, Luda stops just outside the door.

 

“Aren’t you coming in?” Jiyeon asks despite herself.

 

A low, sort of sardonic chuckle comes out of the younger girl. “After what just happened?”

 

“Sorry. Not my brightest idea.” Of course not, especially with how jumbled Jiyeon’s head felt at the moment. It isn’t entirely her fault either when she’s grown accustomed to the presence of Luda on her bed almost every night when either girl isn’t away from the dorm.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m just down the hall.” Even after the outburst, Luda still prioritized Jiyeon above all. “Good night, unnie.” She leaves a soft peck by the corner of Jiyeon’s mouth, almost teasing, before walking backwards and disappearing into the dark hallway.

 

With her hand still raised up, almost as if Luda’s touch never left, Jiyeon speaks into the night, “What are you doing to me…”

 

 

 

 

--

 

 

 

 

Only six hours later, Jiyeon hears Sojung ordering her to get up. Head still up in the clouds with barely enough sleep, she couldn’t remember what the schedule is for the day or if there even is one. There probably is one considering her leader’s insistent commands to wash up and get ready. Still half-asleep, Jiyeon depends on muscle memory to get her through the morning routine. Wash up, brush her teeth, put on whatever clothes Sojung prepared for her. It’s a miracle that Jiyeon even gets it all done in one piece.

 

Even after all that, her brain still took it’s time to start working again and before she knew it, she’s pushed into the passenger seat of an unfamiliar SUV, probably a rental, nothing their management hasn’t done before. Blearily looking around, she recognizes the person beside her on the driver’s seat. The problem is that it isn’t her manager.

 

“Luda-ya?” she sleepily mumbled out.

 

It is Luda indeed, basing on the familiar sound of her chuckle. “You’re seriously still out of it, huh unnie?”

 

“Out of— huh?” Jiyeon gets cut off as Sojung wordlessly fastens the seat belt for her.

 

The leader switches to the back of the SUV and drops a duffel bag onto the seats before closing all doors and walking to the side of Luda’s door.

 

“Everything’s packed and ready,” Sojung tells Luda. “Make sure to bring her back by tomorrow afternoon, got it?”

 

“Aye, aye, captain.” Luda dutifully nods with a smile. “You didn’t bother telling her?”

 

Slowly catching up, Jiyeon cuts in. “Tell me what?”

 

Sojung an eyebrow. “I thought that was your job?” Luda shakes her head. “Oh. Well you can always brief her on the way. Drive safely and have fun!”

 

With one last wave goodbye, Luda starts the car and moves out of the building’s underground parking. Jiyeon belatedly realizes she and Luda are the only occupants of the car. The suspicion that something isn’t right creeps back in.

 

“Yah. Lee Luda. What is going on?”

 

At the question, a sly smile grows on the younger girl’s face. Jiyeon involuntarily swallows a lump in .

 

“We’re going camping, of course.”

 

And that is the story of how Kim Jiyeon was kidnapped.

 

 

 

An hour into the spontaneous trip (kidnapping), Jiyeon finally speaks up after refusing to acknowledge her companion for the most part of it, her stubborn nature resolute.

 

“Are you not going to at least tell me where we’re going?”

 

“She speaks!” Luda jokes without taking her eyes off the road. If not for the sake of safety, Jiyeon would have already pinched the younger girl for teasing her. Finally having mercy, Luda responds, “And we’re going to Chuncheon in Gangwon province. I would have liked to take you farther away but this was the best I could think of with our time constraint.”

 

Jiyeon instantly softens at the explanation. But then again, she couldn’t actually stay mad at Luda for more than an hour even if she could help it. Especially thinking about the number of times Luda invited Jiyeon to go on a camping trip with her. They opted to go once The Black promotions ended but even then, busy schedules ruthlessly kept tearing them apart. The possibility turns even more bleak when Jiyeon gets casted for a new drama. Even then, Luda hides her disappointment just so Jiyeon wouldn’t feel too bad.

 

‘Next time then,’ she tried to reassure the older girl.

 

It’s just that she didn’t expect next time to actually happen right away, just a day before Jiyeon would be fully pulled back into the swing of business. That explains Sojung’s instruction to be back by tomorrow as the drama’s first script reading is scheduled in the evening. Thinking about it now, Luda’s timing isn’t too skewed after all. But something about the setup still feels off…

 

“Then why push through with the trip today?” Jiyeon carefully chooses her words. “Even after… you know.”

 

“You mean— what am I doing here spending time with the girl who turned me down just the night before?” Luda frankly phrases as Jiyeon grumbles in her soft voice. “I’m kidding, unnie. To be completely honest, I planned to confess to you then invite you on this trip. I know it didn’t exactly go according to plan but Sojung-unnie and I already prepared everything so I thought it would be better to bring you anyway rather than going all by myself. This rental car wasn’t cheap, you know.”

 

Jiyeon already guessed as much. She really does know Luda and her thought process quite well no matter how many times Jiyeon denies the intimacy of it.

 

In spite of her deeply lodged philosophy, she somehow finds herself mumbling, “You’re wrong…”

 

Luda glances in her direction for a second before turning back to the front again. Even from the side, Jiyeon could spot the frown on the younger girl’s face.

 

“Wrong?”

 

Jiyeon plays with the seam of her jean shorts, nervous at the implication of the words she is about to say. She sighs, before throwing caution to the wind and quietly muttering, “I didn’t turn you down.”

 

Seconds pass in silence right after and Jiyeon is convinced Luda didn’t catch her sentence until she hears laughter bubble from her left.

 

Lee Luda is laughing at her. After Jiyeon practically changed her philosophy and gathered enough courage to face her feelings. What the hell.

 

“Yah! This is no laughing matter.” Jiyeon involuntarily pouts.

 

“I’m sorry.” Luda wipes a stray tear from her eye, keeping one hand on the wheel. “It’s just that— took you long enough, is all.”

 

“Shut up…” Jiyeon mutters, her whole face now flushed scarlet.

 

As a form of an apology, Luda pushes the button to bring down the window on the passenger’s side, deliberately letting Jiyeon feel the cool summer breeze. Jiyeon huffs but sticks her head out a little anyway as they drive across the freeway.

 

 

Arriving at the downtown area of Chuncheon, Luda suggests they spend their stolen time to the fullest. Jiyeon all too happily agrees and they find themselves walking around Myeongdong Dakgalbi street and on the lookout for the best place to eat, well— dakgalbi.

 

Normally, whenever they go out on what Jiyeon used to perceive as ‘friendly dates’, she usually pays for everything. She deems it her duty as the unnie but today, Luda refuses to even let Jiyeon reach for her wallet. The action seems small in comparison but it’s enough to tease Jiyeon’s heart strings.

 

It feels a whole lot like an actual, romantic date.

 

The realization hits her like a freight train. The impulse to run away rose up from the depths again. It’s always been easier that way. As if her thoughts are being broadcasted aloud, Luda holds onto Jiyeon’s hand, pulling her along the solitary trail of Soyang lake with the setting sun in the horizon.

 

“Unnie, you’re doing it again.” Luda doesn’t say it harshly, her smile easy and light.

 

“S-Sorry…”

 

Pausing right by the edge of the lake, Luda faces Jiyeon fully, their hands interlocked in between. Luda isn’t that much shorter than Jiyeon but she couldn’t help but pay attention to the slight head tilt upwards to regard her. It may or may not have given the older girl a little bit of an ego boost.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Jiyeon ducks her head bashfully, somehow shameful at her impulsive thoughts.

 

“I’m just—” she bites down on her bottom lip, until Luda raises her hand and gently stops the action, smoothening the bruised flesh with the pad of her thumb. Jiyeon starts again. “I guess I’m just not used to this. Dating and all that.”

 

“Believe me, I already got that after your supposed advice on love back then.” Mirth colored Luda’s eyes and Jiyeon finds herself blushing.

 

“It was good advice…” she poorly defends herself.

 

Luda actually snorts. “Unnie, there aren’t only two types of people in the world, you know. And you don’t have to be just one of them. Love isn’t black and white.”

 

Jiyeon follows the urge to pat the younger girl’s head, just like one of those stereotypical scenes in a drama. But this isn’t a fictional story, and they aren’t the lead characters who everyone knows would get together in the end. This is Jiyeon and Luda, two girls with different views on love and yet somehow find each other in spite of that.

 

“When did you get so smart?” she couldn’t help but wonder aloud.

 

“What do you mean? I’ve always been smart.” Luda smirks and prompts Jiyeon’s hand to keep her head like a puppy would do.

 

“There’s a difference between being a smartass and actual intelligence.” The moment Jiyeon says it, she already backs up and prepares to sprint. Once realization hits Luda, Jiyeon is already a safe distance away before the smaller girl runs after her.

 

Jiyeon despises exercise, but running like this, under the orange and purple sky, with the girl who single handedly challenges her ideals, it doesn’t feel like physical exertion at all. With Luda, Jiyeon can just be... free.

 

It’s amazing how much Luda prepared for the camping trip. The back of the rental SUV is complete with the typical camping essentials and more, soft mattress comforters, blankets, and pillows. Luda even went through the effort of hanging colorful banners along the edge of the trunk’s door.

 

Outside, Luda busily sets up two foldable chairs and the portable gas stove. Jiyeon meanwhile prepares their dinner— and by dinner she meant instant noodles, their favorite. They work quietly together, smiles and shy glances thrown around once in a while. Almost like two school girls with a crush.

 

“They were right when they said ramen tastes even better when camping.” Luda reclines on her chair, practically slouching.

 

Jiyeon giggles at the display, then turns her head back to the calm lake, the moon reflected so clearly.

 

“It’s so quiet here. It almost feels like a dream,” Jiyeon thinks out loud.

 

Luda hums, pulling at the strings of her hoodie. “I thought you might like it, the respite, even if only for a short moment.”

 

The look she offers Luda is full of gratitude and admiration. Jiyeon moves the electronic heater to Luda’s side, then pulls her by the shoulder, the younger girl now leaning closer to her own body. It may still be summer but they now approached the last few days judging by the cooler winds and nights.

 

“I love it. Thank you for kidnapping me.” She feels rather than hears Luda chuckle.

 

“I am willing to forget about this whole kidnapping incident if you allow me to take you out on a proper date when we get back.”

 

Jiyeon pretends to contemplate on the question. When she hears Luda grumble in annoyance, a sign her patience has run out, she finally answers, “Okay.”

 

“What? Okay? Really?” Luda asks dumbfoundedly, jaw hanging open. “That easy?”

 

In a softer, shyer voice, Jiyeon says, “I’m not going to say it again.”

 

“Wow, okay. Yeah. It’s a date then. No take backs!”

 

It’s Jiyeon’s turn to laugh now.

 

After watching a movie on Luda’s laptop, they simply laid down at the back of the car, cuddling close to each other. Jiyeon drew random patterns on Luda’s arm as soft music played from the speaker, each song chosen by the two in sequence.

 

“Your turn,” Jiyeon prompts, handing Luda her phone, the music app open to freely choose the next song.

 

“Hmm…” Luda scrolls through the available tracks until a lightbulb figuratively lights up above her. “What about this song?”

 

Once she presses play, a soft guitar instrumental fills up the space of the car, leaking into the darkness of the night. The song is in english, indie, and actually sounds like something Hyunjung would listen to rather than Luda herself.

 

“Hyunjung-unnie recommended it to me.” Luda answers the question in her head. “The first time I listened to it… actually made me think of you. I don’t even get how when I didn’t understand any of the lyrics until I searched up the translation.”

 

That piques Jiyeon’s curiosity.

 

“Show me.”

 

Hesitantly, Luda hands the phone back, the lyrics already on screen. Jiyeon reads slowly, carefully, trying to connect the dots between the song and herself.

 

Drink up baby, stay up all night

With the things you could do

You won't but you might

The potential you'll be that you'll never see

 

Jiyeon’s breath hitches, her grip on the device tightening, until Luda touches her forearm to ground her back.

 

People you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still

 

Right in time with the song playing, Luda sings along. “Drink up baby, look at the stars…”

 

“I’m scared.” Jiyeon feels a lump in , the emotions long repressed now clawing back up. Luda almost panics at the hoarseness of Jiyeon’s voice.

 

“I’m sorry.” Luda doesn’t know what else to say, she moves closer, pulling Jiyeon to her chest and caressing the back of her head. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

 

Tears freely pour out of Jiyeon’s eyes, Luda pulls her closer, she claws at the pink hoodie the other girl wore. So many people have hurt her, damaged her in ways that made her lose hope in love. They call her cynical, she calls it self-preservation.

 

“I don’t want to get hurt.” Jiyeon reveals out loud, for the first time, for Luda to hear.

 

Luda moves back, hands cupping Jiyeon’s cheeks and looks directly at her. Jiyeon watches as the stars up in the night sky are reflected in Luda’s eyes, clear, bright, and sincere.

 

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

Jiyeon believes her.

 

And for the first time in what seems like forever, Jiyeon lets Luda kiss her.

 

They’ve already kissed before, once, but the moment Luda’s lips touch hers, it almost feels like the first time all over again. Jiyeon struggled for too long, and thus, she simply kissed Luda deeply, her hands holding the other girl’s face almost desperately.

 

Next to each other, Jiyeon could feel her own heart beating, then Luda’s. She could hear the human noise they sat there making.

 

As she opens her eyes, Luda tells her with a smile,

 

“There you are.”

 

 

 

 

--

A/N:

The line near the end is from 'What We Talk About When We Talk About Love' by Raymond Carver and it goes "I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone’s heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making. Not one of us moving. Not even when the room went dark."

The song Luda plays is Behind the Bars by Elliot Smith.

Also, funny thing, while researching about Chuncheon, I literally got notifications from travel apps asking me to notify them about my travel plans TT (covid go away)

And once again, happy birthday to the amazing girl of my heart, Kim Bona!

Twt: @shashakiseola