Self pity becomes your oxygen. But you learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices you're hurting. The heart has no tears to give - it drops only blood, bleeding itself away in silence.

 

Minji did not consider herself a psychic being, by any means. She seldom could predict what was on her members' minds, no matter how badly she wished for the ability. Yet still, she prided herself on her own emotional intelligence and ability to tell when something was amiss. 

 

(According to Bora, that was simple mother instinct, not that Minji could be bothered to make a solid distinction between that and her innate protective instinct over the younger idols.)

 

Each and every member had their own social cues and unique caretaking styles in accordance to whatever turmoil they faced below the surface. Minji had no problem offering a hand for Siyeon to pinch, or babying Yoohyeon during her drops in confidence. Even Dong and Bora required comforting gestures that Minji was more than happy to provide them with.

 

Then there was Yubin.

 

To put it lightly, Yubin was...difficult. Not in the sense that she caused trouble or accosted the other members - gods, she was perhaps the most well-behaved kid out of the bunch. No, it was more that Minji was at a loss when it came to figuring out what kind of support worked best for the smaller woman.

 

None of the older girls were too prideful to ask for Minji's assistance on their off-days, and there was an unspoken agreement between the four of them that they would care for the youngest like their own siblings. And yet, Yubin seldom came to them in need of any sort of comfort, something that baffled (and partially miffed) Minji inexplicably.

 

To be clear, it wasn't that the signs didn't exist for the second-youngest member. She had habits and cues that Minji was able to pick up on - the only problem was how irritatingly subtle Yubin's changes in behavior tended to be.

 

It was a common joke that all poets were tortured souls - Minji never meant to insinuate that Yubin was one of them. But even then, with the depth of which Yubin wrote - whether it was for lyrics or personal penmanship - she knew it didn’t come from a source of astute joy or happiness. There was often a muted, almost cynical quality to Yubin’s songwriting, and Minji couldn’t doubt that it caused her a spot of worry. No matter how many times Minji confronted her about it, however, the younger idol merely brushed it off.

 

If I didn't know any better, I'd think that Yubin was allergic to asking for help, she once found herself thinking wryly.

 

Although Yubin had a tendency to keep to herself, she was not incapable of displaying her own emotions. That much was evident by the hardly-contained joy she exuded when she planned to visit her parents over the weekend. The petite idol had bounced around the dorm with a nervous energy to her mannerisms, but Minji didn't think anything peculiar of it, and dismissed it without a second thought. It had been her understanding that Yubin was close with her family and clearly missed them - there was no reason to be alarmed by her excitement.

 

That was, until Yubin had returned later that same day, despite the fact that she had been meant to stay over until Sunday at the least. Her mood, noticeably, was beyond dampened. Minji didn't like to jump to conclusions, but it was entirely possible that something had prevented Yubin from reaching her hometown. Bad weather, perhaps?

 

However, she didn't believe that a rainstorm would put Yubin in that bad of a way. The younger woman didn't even bother greeting the other members in the dorm, instead making a beeline to her own room. Her frown deepened as she watched Yubin's retreating form, taking notice of the absence of her suitcase.

 

Her concern grew through the evening when Yubin didn't turn up for dinner, either, but Minji elected not to check on the younger idol. She seemed upset, after all, and Minji knew that Yubin liked to brood for a bit when her mood was down.

 

Despite that, however, she couldn't rid herself of the sinking feeling that gathered in her stomach - it effectively killed her appetite. Just as Yubin had, Minji decided to forgo dinner, ignoring the shocked expressions of her groupmates as she excused herself from the table.

 

---

 

Admittedly, sleep did not come to Minji easily that night.

 

At one point or another, Siyeon had left to go somewhere with Bora, though she wasn't sure how long ago that was. It was possible they were still somewhere in downtown Seoul, or perhaps they had already come back and crashed on the couch. (Or in Bora and Yoohyeon's shared room. The puppy-like woman had come to her several times to complain about the less than subtle couple.)

 

Either way, Minji was too tired to really care about their whereabouts.

 

She was, however, not tired enough to fall asleep. The clock on her phone had read 4am the last time she checked, though she knew that the passage of time seemed to slow to a crawl at the early hours of the morning. Whether it was her lack of exhaustion or her worry regarding Yubin, however, she did not know.

 

Mere moments after closing her eyes for the umpteenth time, however, she heard a quiet knock on the door. With a slight groan, she got up and rolled out of her bed. "Siyeon, do you know how ing early-"

 

"Um…" Minji was greeted by a deeper-set, yet more soft spoken voice instead. To her surprise, Yubin stood meekly on the other side of the door. "Is...now a bad time? I… I can go-"

 

"No!" Minji blurted out, louder than she intended, before she lowered her voice at the younger woman's frightened expression. "No, no. It's fine, you can come in," she added quickly, waving her inside with a quirk of her lip. As Yubin passed her, she was positive she saw tears in the idol's eyes, but she decided not to comment on it. After gently closing the door, she trailed after Yubin and sat across from her on the bottom bunk, where the rapper once slept. As she took a seat on the mattress, she held out her hands for Yubin to take in her own, and waited for the younger woman to speak.

 

The sadness of the world had different ways of getting to people, but it seemed to succeed almost every time.

 

For a while, the silence between them was palpable. Suffocating, even. But before Minji could probe Yubin for any answers, the rapper suddenly spoke up, albeit in a quiet voice.

 

"Am I disgusting, unnie?"

 

(Okay. That was definitely not what Minji had been expecting.)

 

"Of course not," Minji replied, eyebrows knitting together in a confused expression. "Why would you think that, Yubin-ah?" She gently squeezed the younger woman's hands in her own. "You're not disgusting…"

 

Yubin took a deep breath, seeming to fight with herself on elaborating, before she seemed to give up with a heavy sigh. "My parents think so," she admitted softly. "I can't go home anymore." Her eyes started to water, and she quickly averted her gaze downwards, staring at her lap. "T-they hate me and it's all my f-fault…"

 

"You're…?" Minji trailed off, expression scrunched up in deep thought, before the realization hit her square in the face. Oh. "So they're…intolerant. You know their opinions are irrelevant, baby," she commented, expression softening. "Blood means nothing, Yubin. But I know all of us will do whatever we can to support you," Minji added. At Yubin's glum nod, the frown returned to her face. "Is...there something else, Yubin? What's wrong?"

 

Another prolonged period of quiet. Minji was convinced that Yubin was going to close back up - get up and retreat into her solitude, as she always did. There was no feasible way for Minji to prepare herself for what next transpired:

 

With an awful wail, Yubin choked out a sob and lunged forward, clinging to Minji's torso with a vice grip that took her by surprise. Yubin's cries were mostly unintelligible, but nonetheless heart-wrenching in nature. The agony drove a knife through Minji's heart and caused her chest to become tight with sorrow.

 

(It could have also been Yubin's arms constricting around her in a potentially bruising embrace, but Minji didn't give it much thought.)

 

"Shh," Minji whispered, moving to rub soothing circles into the younger idol's shuddering back. "It's okay, Yubin. You can cry as much as you want."

 

"Y-Yoohyeon is g-going to-" Yubin hiccuped in between sobs, struggling to keep her words coherent. "She...s-she's going to…" More tears streamed down her face, wetting Minji's shirt, not that she cared. "I...I-I can't t-talk to her anymore, unnie…"

 

Minji’s frown deepened. “What do you mean, Yubin? Of course you can still talk to her.”

 

“N-no,” Yubin argued, shaking her head. “S-she’ll be...disgusted w-with me. Y-Yoohyeon won’t sleep in m-my room with me anymore… w-won’t want anything to d-do with me! A-all because I’m gay and...and-” She paused to let out another choked sob. “A-and I’m in l-love with her!”

 

For such an observant girl, she’s seriously dense, Minji internally groaned to herself, her frustration mounting with every anguished cry that left the rapper’s lips. Are we talking about the same Yoohyeon?

 

“With all due respect, Yubin… I don’t think you’re being fair to Yoohyeon,” Minji replied quietly, carefully selecting her next words. “You know that she doesn’t judge anyone, sweetheart. And more importantly, how do you know she doesn’t have any feelings for you?” Before Yubin could argue, she continued talking. “But, seriously, I can’t tell you how Yoohyeon feels. That’s something that only she can answer.”

 

Sniffling, Yubin loosened her death grip on Minji to try and wipe away some of her own tears. She pulled away, finally allowing Minji to see the vulnerability on her countenance.

 

Tears shed for another person weren’t a sign of weakness; they were a sign of a pure heart, Minji pondered. Yubin was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum - she was merely selective with who was permitted to see herself in such a state.

 

So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.

 

The way sadness worked was one of the strangest riddles of the world. If you were stricken with a great sadness, you might’ve felt as if you had been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain, but also because your sadness might’ve spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might’ve found it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke could cover a landscape so that all anyone could see was black. You might’ve found that if someone poured water all over you, you were damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department could douse a fire but never recover what had been burnt down.

 

With the caution of handling a set of antique porcelain, Minji replaced Yubin’s hands with her own to dry the younger woman’s tears. She offered no more words to the sniffling girl, and pulled Yubin close enough to cradle her smaller frame against her body. Her heartbeat was erratic against her own, but the rhythmic thump was a small source of comfort, nonetheless.

 

(Ironic, given that Minji was supposed to be the one giving Yubin a shoulder to lean on, but she digressed.)

 

There was nothing inherently intimate about the way they sat, not really. Despite how their limbs intertwined like grieving lovers, Minji didn’t give much thought to the way Yubin clinged to her for dear life; that was, until Minji’s eyes roamed from over the younger woman’s shoulder and landed on the doorway. Darkness bathed their forms, but Minji was still able to make out the familiar, lanky silhouette surrounded by a dim halo of the morning’s first light.

 

It almost filled Minji with a cold bitterness, as she made eye contact with Yoohyeon. It should’ve been Yoohyeon whom Yubin bared her bleeding heart to in the darkest hours of the early morning, and yet there she stood, just listening like some sick voyeur. It filled Minji with a raw sort of conviction to tighten her hold on Yubin and let her bare her emotions and insecurities, when Yoohyeon’s cowardice rendered her statue-like and motionless in the corridor.

 

There was some fault on either side, of course - Yubin had decided to avoid the main source of her problems and instead dump them on somebody else. In a way, Yubin was forthcoming in her own faint-hearted nature; but, then, Yoohyeon certainly wasn’t making matters any better, staring from the shadows like some spineless spectre that refused to make their presence known.

 

It filled Minji with some sick, twisted sense of pride that Yubin had chosen her to confide in - and that was something she would always subconsciously hold over Yoohyeon’s head whenever the taller woman displayed a sense of frustration at Yubin’s lack of transparency.

 

But, was it really a victory, seeing Yoohyeon retreat with her tail between her legs like a kicked puppy when the blonde woman broke off their silent stand-off and sulked off to her own room?

 

Or was it a defeat at the expense of Yubin’s feelings, the likes of which Minji would seldom ever have the privilege of knowing again?

 

The people you think are the happiest are usually the saddest; that's because they see more and feel deeper than others do. They are sensitive and they see beyond the veil of what's tangible and what's not. They wear no masks and can see through the masks of others. The sensitive to life are few in number, which is why they feel so alone...because they are all alone.

 

Yoohyeon was one of those sad people, Minji realized belatedly - and it was likely she had ripped open a new wound in her own member, deeper than words would ever be able to mend. The hostility she had just displayed to Yoohyeon had hurt the younger woman in a way that could never truly be mended, and Minji had no one but herself to blame.

 

With a ever-slightly trembling breath, she returned her attention to Yubin. Her cries had quieted, but not gone silent. Yet another kind of hurt that she couldn't fix; just allow Yubin to cry until she was some semblance of okay once again.

 

Maybe that was why Yoohyeon and Yubin were perfect for each other - tragically perfect, even.