A sigh….

What am I doing here?

I should be there…

….He needs me……

But I’m the cause of all this mess……

I’m sorry……

……I……

The clock ticks slowly, I’m leaving him…… It’s for his own good…. I destroyed him…. My…. My selfishness destroyed him and now his empty, we were so full of life and love before but now our lives is like an empty moving carousel with dim lights and tattered horses.

This was bound to happen….

But why him? Why did he have to suffer this much for me?…. I can’t let him suffer anymore…..

It wasn’t supposed to be like this… No…. It wasn’t supposed to end this way…. But… Society….. The eyes….. The stares…. The judgments…. Too much….

After the divorce ChangMin and I lived happily and felt like we’re in our highest euphoria, we were very much in love and the warm hugs, kisses and whispered echoed inside the apartment walls. The apartment was filled with our laughter, with ChangMin’s snarky comments, His corny but adorable jokes, his low chuckles, his soft whispers….

….Him……

……My ChangMin……

 His laughter echoed in our living room whenever we watch his favorite gag shows, I love his laugh whenever the comedian does something laughable, I love the way he claps his hands whenever he finds something amusing and I love the way how he whispers to me to pay attention to the screen other than to him…. But how could I pay attention to that comedian when he’s beside me… When he’s enveloping my body with his own warmth by hugging me from behind…. And how can I concentrate whenever I realize that he was now fully mine and mine alone….

Every morning I wake up happy and contented..... I’m happy because the first that I see whenever I wake up is his sleeping face, happy because the first thing that I feel is his warmth signifying that he’s alive and living with me and for me and I’m happy because the first thing that I touch is the strong hands that intertwines with mine and those fingers signified the love and promises that we've fulfilled and dreamt for one another.....

Every Morning I kiss him softly and every night I do the same….. I love him so much…

I was happy and so…. And so was he….

It was like that for months….

Months of unconfined happiness and love, months of kisses and cuddles, months of relinquished fights and profound bliss of pure sweet love making at night…. Everything was perfect….

Our loved blossomed fully…..

Yes it did…. But what did happen to us? Why did we fall apart all of a sudden? Why did we start to break apart? Did…. Did we reach…. No….. It was….

One time we went to a shopping district to buy some needed things for our apartment I guess, everything was fine at that bright sunny day, ChangMin and I were enjoying the basic window shopping and occasionally stopping for a meal, it was fine until he suddenly froze on the spot, the color on his bright cheeks faded away and his face turned pale…. I looked at the direction that his eyes were glued upon and there I saw a beautiful woman dining fashionably with an old couple….

ChangMin suddenly ran away from the view…

Suddenly my eyes darted at the woman again……

She saw ChangMin…..

Her reaction was the same as his…..

And suddenly my world begun to spin slower…..

I followed ChangMin but I couldn’t find him there…. I searched for every area in the mall but he was nowhere in sight….

It started to rain….. Hard….. And after a few hours of frantically searching for him I found him sitting lifeless in the park bench near the mall exit…. He was crying hardly as his tears mixed with the small droplets coming from the rainfall.....

I called his name and immediately he looked at me with a faint smile on his face….

I ran towards him while asking if he was okay but he didn’t answer and instead he pulled me up and dragged me all the way back to the car, I asked him why again but still no answer and when I was about to ask for the third time he looked at me with begging eyes to say no more….

Something was wrong…

I can feel it….

Weeks have passed and since then he became more quiet and reserved, his smile lessened and when he does smile it’s either forced or half hearted, he didn’t hug me as much anymore and if he embrace me it’s cold and emotionless but the worst part is sometimes when he kisses my lips I can’t feel his love anymore…..

One night he came home 3 AM in the morning, he was sober and silently crying on his own, I tried to comfort him but instead he shouted at me and told me to leave him alone…

What was happening to him? I really don’t know… But what I do know is that after that night he became colder and more quiet, he wasn’t the ChangMin that I knew months ago…..

Every night he would come home to me wasted, drunk and crying, he’s pouring his depression to nothing as he refuses my comfort and embrace….

Did he start to see me as a burden?

Was I starting to disgust him?

Is he tired of me?

Am I worthless….

Am I?

I am aren’t I…

And then all of my assumptions were true, a friend of his assisted him home one night since he was too drink to either drive or to ride a cab without getting lost, ChangMin’s friend looked at me with eyes full of disgust and dismay as he refuse to hand over ChangMin to me… He laid ChangMin on our sofa gently as he looked straight at me afterwards…

He mumbled words that I didn’t understand as he continuously gives me that same disgusted stare and judgmental motions.

Who was he…. Who is he?

And then he walked towards me and shouted words of vulgarity at me stating that I was one of the main reasons why ChangMin had lost almost all of his assets and clients… He told me that their clients sees ChangMin as a joke because he divorced his goddess like wife for a worthless ragdoll like me…. He told me that I was remorseful and disgusting…. He told me that I was the main reason why ChangMin has been disowned by his parents… And he told me to off because ChangMin can do better without me…. And with those last words the man walked away and slammed the door hardly but his never darted away from me…. He’s disgusted by me…

And truthfully…. I agreed with him….

My heart hurts in so many ways…. I was selfish…. And now ChangMin is paying the prize because of my selfishness…. I wished for him to love me and now he’s suffering because of it...

 I don’t deserve him….

 I don’t deserve his kisses and warm embrace after all… I don’t deserve his warm smile and soft chuckles, I don’t deserve his warmth… I…. I don’t deserve his love…..

That night I broke down as I watch the love of my sleep, I watch his chest rise and fall as he sleeps comfortably in the sofa that we bought together last summer….

We were happy back then…. But why did this happen….

My lips trembled as my heart started to beat faster against my chest, It’s getting harder to breathe suddenly…..

Yes… I don’t deserve him….  I chuckled loudly as self pity devoured me as I remember the words that ChangMin’s friend imprinted in my mind….

It was my fault all along, right?

I looked at ChangMin's sleeping state once more and more tears fell from my eyes… I should let him go if this is the case but why can’t I…. I’m ing selfish…. I’m so selfish that I let the man that owns my world suffer as I drown in his love and comfort….

That night I fell asleep while crying against his shoulders and when morning came I didn’t see his happy sleeping face… I didn’t feel his warmth against my body and I didn’t felt his strong fingers intertwining with mine….

That morning I felt like my source of life was crushed and diminished and the love that we shared and molded for months was only the illusion that we crafted from our shared dreams and witty romantic fantasies… That love never really existed and never should have existed from the first place….

Our love was never meant to be from the start….

I’ll leave….

I’ll let him be and for the sake of his happiness I’ll disappear from his life so that his life would be back to normal…

Yes… Back to normal….

He doesn’t need me to be happy…. He doesn’t need me in his life so that all of his dreams can be fulfilled… No… He needs a normal life where he can have kids so that he can make his parents happy…. Yes he doesn’t need me… But….

…..But why does it hurt then….

….No…. I can’t be selfish….

It’s decided….. Tomorrow morning I’ll buy a plane ticket out of here and make sure that he’ll never see me again…. I don’t want to hurt him anymore...

I looked at his sleeping face….

….And like every time that I see his sleeping face it never cease to make me smile….

When he woke up from his slumber I tried to act that everything was okay…. I acted as if I wasn’t going to leave him and acted like his happy lover like I always was but deep inside with every second and every minute passing by it signaled that I was about to leave him behind….

Night came too fast and now I was about to leave him… I wanted to make love with him that night but if I did I may not be able to handle the pain anymore and just burst….. I can’t let my guard down…

….I packed my bags while he was sleeping…..

I wrote him a letter of goodbye and with that I kissed his lips for the last time and forced myself to stop crying…. I can’t cry this time…. I’ve been weak all my life and now my love is paying the price…. I must stay strong….

…….I….. … Why am I crying….. I can't cry.... No now... God NOT now....

And now here I am standing in line to buy a plane ticket away from here as I clutch my luggage bag….

I’m leaving him… I whispered mentally as I bit my lower lip…. I’m really leaving him…. That thought ran around my haed not noticing that I was already crying….

Finally I was the one who’s in front of the desk counter; I asked the lady for a ticket to US and just picked a random city where I could live silently, “Michigan Please….” I whispered as I looked at my wrist watch slowly as I watch the big hand tick it’s way to another minute. Finally I received  the plane ticket, I bowed to the woman as she signaled me to walk towards the direction where I should wait for the call of my flight time…

‘I’m really leaving him…’ I thought as I look down on the dirty white floor while I seat in the waiting area quietly…. Yes I was indeed leaving him but it was the prize for his happiness….

I was used to a life full of hate, poverty and suffering and he was the only one who gave me hope and love… But what did I do in return… I made him suffer….

I sighed again… I must be missing him already since his voice is echoing in my head repeatedly…..

“JaeJoong!” I heard it again but it’s louder this time…

“JaeJoong ing look at me!!!” Tsk… And now he’s cursing in my imagination… it’s so like him….

“ JAEJOONG! Would you just look at me….” Weird… why is getting too loud? I thought to myself as I smile a little, I tilted my head to the right and when I saw his angry expression while still wearing his pajama’s I was either high or really just hallucinating about him too much.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” He hissed at me loudly while walking towards me… Wait…. I wasn’t imagining his voice after all?

“ChangMin?” I replied at him with eyes wide, suddenly my heart started to beat faster,,,,, I tried to calm myself but did the opposite instead… I cursed at myself… I never should’ve wrote that letter of goodbye as he ran towards my seat, I stood up and tried to ran away but he immediately pulls me in and hugged me tightly, “What THE do you think you’re doing here huh?!” He hissed at me loudly making me cry for more than one reason….

“Min….”

“Don’t Min me! Are you trying to leave me?! What the are you thinking?! Are you on drugs or something??!!” He shouted at me as he pulls the collar of my shirt, what can I say on my defense…. I was nothing… I’m the source of all his problems and humiliation….. “.....Min… Let me go….”

“Why should I? So that you can escape from me??!!” He tugged on my collar hardly making tears fall from my face harder…. “I… Please…. Please let me go….” I begged as I tried to push him away but he just gripped my collar tightly.

“Give me one good reason then!” One reason Min? I can give you ten if you want too, but if I said that I know that he’ll just laugh at me and drag me back home so instead of saying something sane I said…. “You’re never happy with me!” was the last thing that I can come up with….

“What?”

“I….. I said you’re never happy with me! You’re miserable with me! You’re life ended when you started to love me and now your life is completely ruined just like mine! ......I…. I don’t’ want you to suffer like this Min!” I screamed at him while trying to stop the tears from flowing but instead I cried harder.....

He chuckled loudly as he shakes his head in utter disbelief, he looked at me with pierced my whole being with his stare, I can feel his free hand shaking and ready to punch my face hardly but when I expected his fist to land on my face his lips crashed against mine instead.

He kissed me passionately and I can hear the whispers and murmurs of people in shock for seeing a man kissing another man, he bit my lips making me moan in pain but he just bit it harder in return, “If you think that I’m unhappy with you then imagine how awful and miserable my life would be without you!” He screamed loudly after the kiss and I never noticed that he was crying with me too….

“If you think that I’m unhappy with you then I’ll die without you….. If you think that my life ended when I met you then you can never imagine how dead I was without you… If you think that you completely ruined my life then imagine how crushed my life would be without you in it.....” He paused then pecked on my lips tenderly making me cry with every words that he said and whispered, he looked at me and then continued, “And if you can see me suffering now I need you to smile for me to make my sufferings pass even for just a while….”

“But Mi-------“

“No More BUTS!” He shouted at me again as tears endlessly flow from both of our already puffy eyes…. “If your smile is the view that I’ll see every morning then even if I suffer the same suffering as they receive in hell I wouldn’t mind”

“Min…..”

“Cause every time I wake up I’ll see heaven whenever I see your smile…..”

END

_________________________________________________________________________________

*Nosebleed then fainted*

Waaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This was so hard to write!!!

Fair warning this fic is unbeta-ed or unedited so there's also a few mistakes here and there... And It took me 3-4 hours to write cause I didn't really know what to write LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Comments please!!! My tired Brain will really appreciate your thoughts....

If you guys don't comment after reading this then you're being mean to me.... TT________TT