Fanfic Idea. 

 

Jimin struggling with becoming more than friends with his best friend and suddenly without telling his friend, starts to become distant and pulls away. Try to explain attachment style and BPD 

 

Type: One shot

Length: Short

Genre: Angst, romance

 

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They had been friends for years now, spending every waking moment together since that day. It was a strange meet up, not every day you find a kid crying in the bathroom. That's how Yoongi met him. Since that fateful day, they had been inseparable. Jimin had just gotten out of a terrible relationship and Yoongi was his saving grace. Jimin was a little clingy, but Yoongi seemed to be okay with that. A personal little koala to cling to him never seemed to get on his nerves. It was a friendship that many looked for. That type of friendship where no matter what time of the night you called, your best friend would always pick up. 

 

The type where two friends shamelessly would fall asleep on the telephone together, where anything on each other's mind was safe to share. A non-judgmental zone where things just felt right. Jimin felt safe, he felt secure in Yoongi's presence. Best friends forever. 

 

It started just like any other day, Yoongi invited him over and Jimin was happy to oblige, they were both pushing college age now and Yoongi being several years older was almost out of it. Jimin met Yoongi at his apartment, Yoongi ordered some food, and they sat down for a quiet gaming session while playing footsie on the carpet with their back propped against the couch.

"Ahh! Hyung, no fair, you're cheating." Jimin said, pushing at his leg with his foot.

"Pft. No I'm not, you are just getting bad at this game." He said, grinning as he came in first place in the game, leaving Jimin pouting.

"Rematch!" Jimin whined at him, Yoongi obliged. "You're cute when you pout like that."

Jimin smiled. "I wish you pouted more. It's cute too."

Yoongi smiled and focused on the TV, considering letting Jimin win, so he could pout. 

 

"Come on Jimin, you got this." Yoongi said as he let him take just a little lead so he didn't feel like Yoongi did it on purpose. "See! Come back here!" He laughed, trying to catch his little pixel dude on the screen. 

 

A minute later Jimin was giggling and Yoongi was pouting, like Jimin had asked. "Ahh your pout is so much cuter than mine."

"Nonsense. Yours is definitely better." Yoongi said, removing his hand from the controller to gently boop Jimin on the nose with his finger. "Are you hungry?"

Jimin smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you?" Yoongi nodded.

They got up and grabbed the food, bringing it back over to the coffee table to eat. They sat by each other and shared the food just as they always did. Yoongi made sure that Jimin ate because he knew if he didn't the younger would find every reason in the book not to. Jimin used to push his food around with his chopsticks until the elder started to hand feed him from time to time. 

 

He was always super in tune to Jimin's antics. "Jiminah, I wanted to talk to you about something."

It was talks like this that made the youngers' throat clench, his heart grow heavy. He swallowed and looked at him. "About what Hyung?"

Yoongi smiled. "Don't worry, you don't need to be nervous." 

 

"Oh… Okay, what is it?" Even though he said not to be nervous, Jimin already felt his heart caving in. It was absurd, but Jimin swore Yoongi was about to say they couldn't be friends anymore, or that Jimin had done something bad and he needed to apologize for it. 

 

"I've known you for a long time, and the closer I get to you the closer I want to get…" Yoongi started. 

Jimin knew where it was going but part of him still tried to convince him that Yoongi was saying he wanted Jimin to leave. His throat started to tighten.

"Jimin, I think I want to be more than friends."

That should have felt good, that should have made him feel relaxed and at ease but it only created more anxiety in his chest. "I…"

"It's okay, you can think about it and I won't push you…" Yoongi said. 

 

Jimin swallowed the lump in his throat. "Hyung I like you too but… "  He felt like his world was crashing down. Yes he liked Yoongi, he wanted to be with him but this was scary. His fear of abandonment started to surface, what if he did something wrong and Yoongi didn't want him anymore, what if's started flooding his mind. 

 

"But what Jimin?" Yoongi asked gently, they were close friends, he wasn't concerned about Jimin being angry. He knew Yoongi was bi, and Jimin was gay, there was nothing to be concerned about there. 

 

"I'm scared…" Jimin admitted, prompting Yoongi to pull him into a gentle hug. The hug to Jimin felt foreign, almost as if he didn't know Yoongi anymore. The fear built in his chest, he tried to relax into the hug, but it felt awkward, forced. It was as if they hadn't hugged thousands of times in the past and that this was the first time ever. Jimin forced himself to relax into the hug.

"It's okay… You don't need to be scared. We can stay like this if you want."

But they couldn't, not now. Not after he learned that Yoongi wanted more. Now his failures started to flood him, what if he wasn't enough, he'd lose everything. The questions started to flood his mind, arguing back and forth if he was good enough for Yoongi, if anything was good enough. If he was going to measure up to what the other wanted.

"No, I like you I do, I really do…" But Jimin couldn't understand his hesitation, or why his mind was running a million miles an hour out of fear of messing up and losing everything he'd built. 

 

Yoongi noticed his anxiety and let go of the hug. "You want to go back to playing the game?" He asked, trying to give him an out. Jimin nodded, and they picked up where they left off, but time and time again Jimin lost to Yoongi, even when Yoongi was trying purposefully to let him win.

The pout however was absent, his eyes were glazed, cold, almost as if the boy from before no long existed. 

 

"Jimin?" He asked, gently nudging him.

"Hm? Yeah. I'm okay…" He said automatically without being prompted. His mind was racing. He loved being friends with him, he loved everything about his friendship with Yoongi but now that he knew the man wanted more he was scared of losing him. As friends, he'd never felt that fear, the closeness was never a violation of his personal space. Calling it a violation of personal space was too harsh, it wasn't, every moment with Yoongi felt like paradise, but to take it farther meant the potential of ruining a great friendship. 

 

"Hey, talk to me…" Yoongi said, turning to him. "If you don't want to date, we don't need to-"

"No it's not that, I… I'd love to I just… I'm scared. I don't want to lose you…"

"Jiminah… you wouldn't lose me by being with me… "

Jimin knew he was right, at least on his part but there was something about it that terrified him. That fear always messed things up. 

 

"O-Okay." Jimin said. "I… Yeah. Let's … do it."

"Do it? Jiminah, that sounds dirty." He chuckled, they usually shared humor like that but with the new context for some reason out of nowhere it bothered Jimin, and he turned away. 

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that…" Jimin said. His entire evening had been flipped on it's head.

"Jiminah… you can relax, it's me, Yoongi, your best friend since we were kids…"

"I know, I'm being silly…" Jimin said, trying to force away the feelings bubbling up. He loved Yoongi, every part of him loved him and wanted to spend every minute with him, but this was incredibly overwhelming. 

 

"It's okay." He said, "Do you want to drop the subject till later?" He asked.

Jimin knew he was asking him because he cared about his opinion, but something in the back of his head said that Yoongi would be upset and judge him if he answered wrongly, so against his better judgement he acted how he thought Yoongi would want him to act. "No, I, lets talk about it." He said, not wanting to disappoint him. 

 

It was this thinking that put Jimin on the path of destruction. He knew Yoongi respected him and valued his opinion, yet his fear was driving him to make decisions that he wasn't comfortable with, out of the fear of rejection. 

 

"Do you want to date?" Yoongi asked, assuming Jimin meant what he said when he said he wanted to talk about it. 

 

Again, against his better judgement and fearing the rejection, Jimin nodded. He wanted to, but at the same time he was scared. This fear was like a demon lurking in his mind, ready to pounce on any happiness that made its way into his life.

"Yes, we can date."

Yoongi was overjoyed, feeling overwhelming happiness meanwhile Jimin, despite loving his best friend for years and wanting to be with him, was stuck in his own emotions of dread and anxiety, but he managed to fake a smile. 

 

Yoongi smiled at him. "So it's official."

Jimin nodded, his heart pounding. This was everything he could have ever dreamed all rolled up into one nasty nightmare. His mind took it all the wrong way, it flipped things that didn't even make sense. Shouldn't his best friend, and crush asking him out make him feel over the moon happy? Yes, it should, but it didn't. All he could think of was loss. Everything he was about to lose when Yoongi got tired of him… when Jimin could no longer stand the closeness. When he needed space. 

 

So it started, a hurricane of mixed emotions, Jimin felt anxiety on every first, he felt wrong when Yoongi kissed him, held him, flirted with him. He felt wrong when they cuddled, and he felt wrong when they showered together. As if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, the impending doom.

It all built up as he feigned happiness throughout the relationship, doing what he thought Yoongi wanted to do. After all, he wanted this, he just couldn't convince his mind that he wanted it. It was always three steps ahead with 'what if you at kissing, he'll leave you.' and when the kiss was successful it was meant to relieve the stress only it got worse, 'he is pretending to like the kiss and just dealing with you.' All the negative self talk, all the self gaslighting was putting his self esteem in the garbage. As he dated Yoongi his eating disorder came back but in an attempt to not disappoint Yoongi so he wasn't left he forced himself to eat.

It was all a giant storm brewing in him, the closer Yoongi got, the more Jimin wanted to run, two years in and Yoongi asked Jimin to marry him.

Anyone else in this situation would be absolutely overjoyed, but all Jimin could do is worry and hope that things didn't go wrong. He spent so much time expecting things to go wrong that he didn't enjoy when things went right.

The I love yous made him so happy, but at the same time caused him such anxiety that he swore from time to time he had a panic attack. 

 

It got so heavy that Jimin started asking for time away, any excuse to get away from Yoongi. He loved him, he loved everything about the man and wanted to be with him forever, but the closeness was driving him farther and farther away. Why was he like this, what was causing him to be so callous towards the man he loved so deeply. 

 

"Hey Jimin, want to hang out tonight?"

"Ah, sorry, I can't." He said, giving any excuse under the sun to avoid him. If he spent time away from Yoongi he would feel more relaxed, and it started becoming a habit. The more time he spent away, the better he felt. Naturally, this was starting to feel like a bad thing to his partner and Yoongi confronted him one day about it. 

 

"Baby, are you okay? You seem distant lately."

This inflamed old wounds of fearing Yoongi abandoning him and he lied. "I'm fine, I just havn't been feeling well lately. I promise, nothing is wrong."

Yoongi took it and went with it and gave Jimin some space but over the next few months Jimin became even more and more distant and once again, Yoongi confronted him this time with accusatory language. "Are you seeing anyone else?" He asked, Jimin was floored. Never in his entire life had he thought to cheat and Yoongi thinking he was scared the crap out of him. 

 

"No! Never, baby I love you so much. I'm just… I'm not myself lately." He hadn't been the entire time because he was too busy being scared of something going wrong. 

 

"Okay… you're just acting really strange…"

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll try to fix it." His fear of Yoongi leaving once more kicked in and he tried to force himself to change, which only made matters worse. The closer he tried to get to Yoongi, the more he had to distance himself from the entire situation. He even started hanging out with other people just to feel a sense of normalcy and no connection. He didn't understand it, as soon as he formed any connection with someone that was outside of a friendship, he started to panic. And even close friendships made him panic from time to time. 

 

Yoongi's friendship had been the only one that hadn't made him panic for whatever reason, but the moment it pushed beyond friendship he was in permanent panic mode. He cared too much about Yoongi's feelings and emotions and what he wanted than his own feelings and doing so kept burning him out. 

 

One day, Jimin completely disappeared from all social media, he blocked Yoongi on every media in existence just to feel some sense of freedom. This obviously was taken really badly by Yoongi and their friendship and relationship was over with on that day. 

 

Jimin went back to feeling relaxed for a little while until he tried to reach back out to Yoongi and realized that Yoongi had blocked him in return. He panicked and tried texting him, blocked, everywhere he was blocked. 

 

Yoongi had abandoned him, but Jimin caused it to happen because the entire time he was with him he was expecting it, fearing it.

He tried so hard to get in touch with Yoongi for the next week and was unsuccessful until he reached out to a friend of his. That friend got in touch with Yoongi and he agreed to talk with Jimin. 

 

This was Jimin's last chance, he had to explain what was going on. 

 

There he was again at Yoongi's house, this time their eyes met and there was no love, there was no friendship. There was hurt feelings and confusion. 

 

"I loved you…" Jimin said. 

 

"Funny way of showing it." Yoongi scoffed at him.

"I… I know… I don't understand why I act like that…" He said, playing with a shirt thread. 

 

"I don't either Jimin, I give you everything and you throw it in my face." Yoongi was obviously annoyed.

"Remember when I told you I was scared? The first time you asked me out?"

Yoongi nodded.

"I spent the entire last three years terrified you'd leave me…"

"And look where it got you…" Yoongi said, not trying to be mean but understandably irritated. 

 

"I know… I'm sorry… I enjoyed every minute of it but for some reason the closer I got to you the more scared I became, the higher my anxiety became and I just had to push you away… I couldn't… breathe anymore…"

"I'm sorry I was that insufferable to be with." He said. 

 

"No! It's not that at all, I… Something is wrong with how I feel connection, if I have a strong connection to someone who I really love and care about, I will do anything to keep them in my life, including ignoring my own feelings… I am so afraid to lose people I ignore my own needs and desires… "

Yoongi listened. 

 

"I… When you asked me out I was so happy, and in the back of my head all the what ifs started, what if I wasn't a good kisser, what if I wasn't good enough, what if you didn't want me. All these fears just piled up and made me afraid to give myself to you, even though it's all I ever wanted."

"That sounds confusing."

"It is...the truth is, the last 3 years have been the best, and worst of my life, the constant anxiety of my own creation because I was so afraid to lose you, that I forgot to enjoy you while you were here… "

"That sounds hard to deal with…" Yoongi's voice started to soften.

"I don't know what is wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it… I don't know if I'll ever fix it… I'm broken and I don't understand why."

Yoongi sighed and walked up to pull Jimin into his arms. "Take it one step at a time... " he said.

Jimin wrapped his arms around him feeling safer as his friend again.

"I'm sorry Yoongi…"

"I know… it doesn't sound like it's your fault. I'm sorry I judged so harshly."

"It's okay…" Jimin said, leaning into him and relaxing into his touch. 

 

"How about we drop the labels and take it one step at a time, yeah? You still need to beat me in Mario Cart from last time."

Jimin smiled into his chest. "I'd like that…" He said, and they pulled back to sit down and play games like old times. 

 

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This is what I go through every time, with every relationship, family, friends, everything. I don't know what is wrong with me, and I'm hoping writing this will let others know how I feel and maybe I can get some advice where to start healing whatever this trauma is from.