Your hands that touched me, your voice that called me. It’s still so clear, it still lingers around me.

If I look back, I notice that we fell in love too young. It was back in middle school when we started dating, probably the worst timing.

I was in 7th grade when I discovered how badly I swung the wrong way. It’s really funny how I found out about it the moment I saw you. You looked so cute with that uniform that somehow seemed to be too big for you, you were so small and tiny in my eyes that I couldn’t help but steal certain glances at you from time to time. Even your name sounded so heavenly to me, Kim Taeyeon. I remember that when I got home that day, I felt so troubled as I didn’t know why my heart and my mind would be so engrossed with you. 

“It’s love” That’s what Mrs. Yang, my neighbor told me. Both of my parents worked hard to make a living and so Mrs. Yang always looked out for me, listened to me, catered to me. She was my go-to whenever I felt happy or sad, angry or scared, she just knew me that well.

So, when she made that huge revelation I was flabbergasted. Love? Was I really in love? But that’s wrong! Wasn’t love supposed to be between a boy and a girl?? I was so confused back then but she was my guiding light. “Love is more than that, little one.” And she was right. It was hard but I accepted who I was, although my parents didn’t know a thing. This was a secret that I was supposed to keep hidden from everyone else.

I felt so thankful that we got to share the same class. You were so friendly with anyone, even with me, who was always on her own. It wasn’t because I was a back kid but people often got scared, blame my sharp factions for it. But you were my savior, you approached me when no one else did and took me into your life like a hurricane, and that’s how we became friends. Soon after, you became my entire world although we often seemed like day and night. Your friends accepted me as well and I didn’t feel lonely anymore, I just loved spending my days with you. I have to admit that I was so whipped, I can’t believe that I always hoped for school to come faster just to be able to see you.

We were in that time of our lives when couples and love are flying around. I guess all of that got to you as you began to be so clingy towards me; often holding my hand, hugging my waist, resting your head on my lap, and asking me to feed you. I never gave them so much though until you confessed to me that day and I swear to God that I almost died of a heart attack. I hugged you so hard that I felt my legs giving away. I was so glad, so happy that we both cried for almost an hour.

Why didn’t I try my best when you were here? If I was stronger I would’ve held onto you ‘till the end.

My life was colorful with you in it. Every day was precious to me and you had no idea how much I loved you. Of course, we kept all of this a secret. I understood that you were having it though accepting yourself and us, moreover your family was a little more conservative than mine. So, we have to keep loving each other in secret. To everyone else, we were clingy best friends but inside our rooms, we explored every inch of our mouths.

Even when I’m doing well, without much thought the forgotten memories come back as a dilemma. Me with you and me without you, are two entirely different people, just know that.

We grew and learned together in those 2 years. It was fun although I began to grow impatient as you still didn’t want to make our relationship public, we still had to pretend. I was stupid, I asked for you to be honest but I was just like you, fearing what my family would think of me. I’m sorry, we often see others’ mistakes but we fail to see our own.

All these illusions make the musty air thicker. First time, first love, it was really good for the first time. But it became a mess as if we were at war.

First love, huh? We had many of our firsts with each other, and I wished that it had never ended. I know that you always felt like you needed to take part of the blame but it was all my fault. I suddenly became irrational, wanting to call you mine for everyone to know, and it was after he appeared that it all triggered.

Byun Baekhyun, dear lord how I hated his name. You introduced him to me saying how you two were chosen as partners for the upcoming school concert. I felt uneasy right away, probably due to the way his eyes looked at you, the way he smiled whenever you smiled along. He made me insecure but I decided to pay no mind. Yes, I paid no mind until you began to set me aside to practice with him. At first, I let it slide because I knew how important singing was for you but your apologies soon becam