I’ve missed you a lot
Maybe it’s a little obvious or a bit awkward
The words that I had practiced
And even written

*Ding dong*

Yoseob sighed, wishing for the earth to just swallow his soul and body at this point of time.
He reached for his phone, squinting through his eyes as the screen glares at him, 1.31am.
He knows who is at the door, and he wishes that person would just go away and let him at least have a goodnight sleep before going for practice tomorrow. He is too sleepy and groggy to deal with this right now.

*Ding dong*

“Yes yes, I’m coming,” Yoseob shouted.

He opened the door only to have a drunken Yoon Dujun stumble into him, causing him to almost lose his footing and sending them both backwards.

“Yoseobah, annyeong! *hic*” Dujun mumbled while leaning heavily onto Yoseob.

To make matters worse, he’s not alone. The girl beside him is staring blankly at Yoseob while he tries his best to force a smile onto his face, just in case she thinks Highlight members are snobbish.

“Oh, I thought Dujun oppa lives alone?” The girl said grimly, while looking directly into Yoseob’s eyes. He tries to pretend that the girl did not just indirectly label him as a third wheeler from getting laid with Dujun. “Uhhh, it’s a long story. Thank you for sending Dujunie’s drunk home, I’ll be sure to tell him tomorrow. Your name?”

“Jiminie,” the girl answered curtly while continuing to stand there and glaring at Yoseob like he was the one who put them in this situation.

“Yoseobah, you smell good. Did you use the shampoo I bought for you?” At this period of time, Dujun is borderline sniffing into Yoseob’s hair. Now, he really wish for the earth to just swallow him and for him to pretend that all of this is just a freaking nightmare.

“Shut the hell up,” yoseob hit dujun’s back, with whatever strength left in his body. “Umm, thank you Jimin-ssi. If you don’t mind, I need to put him to bed now, thank you and goodbye.” Yoseob closed the door with his leg, hoping that the girl will understand that he wasn’t trying to be rude, but he is sleepy and also dying from having to support a drunken Yoon Dujun in his arm.

“Yah Yoondu, why are you always here when you’re drunk instead of going up to your house?” Yoseob mumbled angirly, while dragging his group member into his room and slowly lying him down on his bed. “Yoseobah, let’s sleep. I’m sleepy,” Dujun mumbled into the soft quilt.

Yoseob ignored whatever Dujun is saying, knowing that he will not remember this tomorrow when he wakes up. As this is not the first occurrence and having done this more than once, Yoseob swiftly moves to undress Dujun, starting from his shoes to his jacket, and tucking him in bed before leaving the room to put them away.

If only yoseob was five seconds slower, he would have heard Dujun mumbling in his sleep, “I miss you, Yoseobah.”

I can’t say because
I’m embarrassed that I can’t think of any words
I can’t say that my voice trembles
Because I’m in front of you

“He came again last night with another girl?” Kikwang’s eyebrow shot up, hiding behind his bangs. “Yoseobah, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You know how much this is hurting you. If you want, I can talk to him to stop disturbing you at night. I can just say it is because you’re losing sleep. Everybody knows you always sleep early.”

Yoseob just stared at his shoes, not daring himself to answer that. A part of him wants Kikwang to do exactly that, but another part of him still wants Dujun to come tumbling into his house, even though he knows it’s killing him inside. “It’s ok, if there’s a need for someone to talk to him, it should be me.” Yoseob then gave a tired smile to Kikwang, who can only sigh. If Yoseob does not want him to get involved, he won’t. He knows how much Yoseob loves Dujun throughout their 13 years of friendship.

Dujun then came walking into the practice room and went straight to sit beside Yoseob on the sofa. He leaned his body heavily onto Yoseob and smiled, “Yoseobah, why did you leave first without waiting for me to wake up?” Yoseob smiled, or he hoped he did, and said, “You were snoring and I couldn’t fall asleep back afterwards. I had to come down early to record some parts too. I didn’t want to disturb your sleep.”

“I was hoping to have breakfast with you, we could’ve ordered in the pizza that you like so much.” Dujun then pouted, looking straight into his eyes.

“Annyeong, hyungdeul! A-yo hyung!” Dongwoon came barging in, bringing with him a big box. “Yah dongni, what’s that?” Dujun then shifted his attention towards Dongwoon. Yoseob let out a sigh of relief, as he does not have to continue the dreaded conversation with Dujun. He’s afraid that one day all the walls that he has built will come crumbling down right in front of him.

Kikwang looked at Yoseob and sighed. “Why can’t these two just fess up and confess to each other.”  

I might seem a bit awkward
I’ve always missed you, oh
I don’t know where to start
I just smile awkwardly, I’m sorry that I’m here late

Yoseob sighed and picked up the call, knowing that the person calling won’t stop until he picks up the call, “nae?” “Yoseobah! Do you want to eat with me for lunch today? We’re going to be busy starting tomorrow will all the recordings, so today might be the last time we can go on a date together.” Dujun’s loud voice rang through the phone as Yoseob stared blankly at the wall.

He wonders how can Dujun label them eating lunch together as a date can already send his heart into a frenzy mode.

“I’m busy today, Dujunah. I’m going to wash my clothes and clean the house after this. I don’t have time to play with you.” Yoseob replied calmly, mentally patting himself on the back for not blowing up there and then.

“Yoseobie, why do I feel like you’ve been pushing me away these days? It’s been days since we last talk to each other, let alone ate together. Are you mad at me?” Dujun asked in a soft tone. It almost made Yoseob’s resolve broke, but he’s used to this and he can overcome this weakness that equates to someone called Yoon Dujun.

“Dujunah, we just met a few days ago for practice, and we ate together with Kikwangie and Dongwoonie. What are you talking about?” Yoseob slowly sat down on his bed, wishing for this conversation to just be done and he can go back to his self-pitying mode under his blanket. “But that’s with the other guys. I just want to eat with you. If you want, I can cook and you can just come up. I won’t come over and dirty your house and you don’t have to go out far. Please, Yoseobie?” Yoseob can almost hear Dujun’s pleading face through the phone. He sighed heavily and said, “Ok, just call me when the food is ready.”

If only Yoseob saw Dujun’s soft smile towards him when he was busy eating the sangyupsal that Dujun has prepared for them.

Through the tunnel of darkness of missing you
Through the light of memory with you
Towards your fingertips that seemed close
I just ran forward because I missed you so much

Dujun groaned, while turning around on the bed. He looked around the room and realised that he’s in Yoseob’s room. Again. His drunken must have forgotten its way home again yesterday, and here he is. Dujun sighed inwardly, he has promised his manager and bandmates that he won’t be drinking again during this promotion. But he cannot help it, especially when he can’t sleep at night thinking about him, the person he wants so badly to go to at night, Yang Yoseob. Maybe that’s why he always finds himself going back to this house, because it’s actually where his heart wants to be.

He looked down at himself and cringed at the smell. “Time to go wash up and search for Yoseobie,” he said to himself.

Dujun always finds himself smiling at the fact that Yoseob has always prepared a new towel and that his toothbrush is always there, sitting prettily beside Yoseob’s in his bathroom.

Entering the kitchen, Dujun smiled at the sight in front of him. Yoseob is busy cutting away on the chopping board while checking onto his soup on the stove. “Waa, smells nice. What are you cooking?” Dujun said while walking towards Yoseob.

Yoseob turned his head just in time to have Dujun’s face at a very close proximity of his personal space, with Dujun peering over his shoulder. He swore his heart did not just skip a beat. And he prays that his ears did not turn red. “Uhh, i’m cooking haejang-guk. For your hangover.” He tried to emphasize more on the hangover, so that Dujun may at least feel a tad bit guilty. Turning to his chopping board again, he said, “I thought you said you will try to stop yourself from drinking during this promotion. We have KCON this weekend, dujunie. I don’t want it to affect your performance later on.”

Yoseob tried so hard not to sound naggy or else he’ll come off as a possessive boyfriend, or crush, for that matter. Dujun cannot help but smirk a little when he heard that and slung his arm around Yoseob, “Are you worried about me? Or about my performance? And I wasn’t planning to drink yesterday, but then next thing I know I’m already at my usual place, drinking.” Dujun at least tried to look guilty by scratching his head.

Yoseob tried to at least look indifferent when Dujun slung his arm around his shoulder. “If manager-nim or the maknae lines know about this, you’re so dead.” Yoseob said while making to move away from Dujun, but instead of letting him go, Dujun turned Yoseob around to face him, causing Yoseob to directly meet his eyes.

“Yah, what are you doing? Let me go. Have your hangover soup and go back to your house. I don’t want you going around dirtying my house.” Yoseob tried to avoid Dujun’s gaze by staring ahead at the wall behind Dujun, with hope that Dujun won’t realize his red eyes.

“Yoseobah,” Dujun began. “Why is your eyes red?” Dujun trailed his fingertips slowly down Yoseob’s cheeks. Dujun tried to reason out that this is his leftover drunk-self doing the action, but he knows deep down it’s more than that.

Yoseob tried so hard not to succumb into the touches, and instead close his eyes. He swears he has wash his face when he heard the bathroom door closes, knowing that soon Dujun will come into the kitchen to find him. The last thing he was hoping for is to have Dujun witnessing one of his breakdowns, no thanks to the person who is trapping him in his own kitchen right now. “Uhhh, must be the onion. You can let me go now while I can go and wash my face.”

“But there’s no onion here, Yoseobah. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Dujun furrowed his eyebrows, while forcing Yoseob face up to look him in the eye. “Tell me Yoseobah, you always tell me when there’s something wrong.”

Yoseob can feel his walls breaking down, and the next thing he can feel Dujun’s fingers wiping away his tears that he didn’t even realise were rolling down his cheeks.

Dujun didn’t know what has gotten over him, but he can feel his heart breaking into pieces watching the tears rolls down Yoseob’s cheeks. And in one swift moment, he leans that and slowly presses his lips onto Yoseob’s. It was a light peck, barely a kiss and he pulls away.

Instead of slowing down, Yoseob’s tears worsen and Dujun leans down one more to claim the lips that he has been yearning for since years ago. He pressed he lips onto Yoseob’s much more aggressively and he can feel Yoseob’s hand gripping onto his sweatshirt. He tried to make sure he has his libido in control, fearing that he will lose all control and jeopardize his friendship with Yoseob. He then pulls away and stare at Yoseob’s face. His gaze is empty when he stares right into Dujun’s eyes and say, “Get out of my house now.”

Dujun could hear his heart breaking when he closes Yoseob’s door and he can clearly hear him bawling, wishing to collect Yoseob into his arm and never letting go.

I’ve always thought of you
Because you’d be worried about me
I always did
That was the only thing I could do

Yoseob entered the practice room in hope that nobody will say anything about his eyes, as he is pretty sure they are red and swollen. “Yoseob hyung! Do you know where Dujun hyung is? We’ve tried to contact him since yesterday, but nobody has gotten through him. I’m worried that he has gotten into his drinking whims again and gotten stranded somewhere.”

“I don’t know dongwoon ah, you can try to ask manager-nim. He may know.” Yoseob said while sitting down and avoiding eye contact with Dongwoon and Kikwang. “No hyung, I’ve already asked and he said he too doesn’t know where is Dujun hyung. Aish. We have a meeting today and my birthday is tomorrow, what is wrong with this hyung?” Dongwoon said while standing up and leaving the practice room, trying to get Dujun on the phone.

“Did something happen?” Kikwang who was watching them from across the room asked quietly while looking straight at Yoseob. “Your eyes are swollen, so I’m pretty sure it has something to do with him.”

“He kissed me,” Yoseob said softly, fighting the tears again. He doesn’t want to cry in front of his best friend, knowing that Kikwang will get worried again. “And I asked him to leave. After that, I don’t know where he is.”

Kikwang moved swiftly from across the room and embrace his best friend while Yoseob just continue to bite his lips, hoping he won’t breakdown now because the last thing he wants is for his managers and Dongwoon to come in and get worried. They already have enough on their plate trying to find Dujun, wherever he is. “Do you think he is running away because he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, Kikwang-ah?” Yoseob asked softly, asking the question that has been lingering inside his head since yesterday.

“We know Dujun is a very responsible person, Yoseob-ah. I’m pretty sure he won’t run away from his responsibility and from the people he loves. You’re still his bandmate. I think he’s trying to clear his mind, knowing him.” Kikwang was not sure who he was trying to convince, Yoseob or himself. But he hoped with all his heart that whatever he said is true, and that Dujun will come back and face this once and for all. The last thing he wants is for them to continue to hurt themselves.

I want you
To know this other than anything
I want you to know
I never give you up

“Dujun-ah, I saw in katalk that Dongwoon is searching for you. I bet they’re worried sick, I’m tempted to tell them that you are here mourning away on my bed.” Junhyung walked into his room while kicking Dujun’s leg lightly. “Why are you running away? You can just walk up to him and say ‘Yoseob-ah, I’ve liked you for quite a while now. Or since forever. Let’s date’ and kiss him.”

“It’s not that simple Junhyung-ah,” Dujun said while lying lifelessly on Junhyung’s bed and staring blankly at the wall above his head. “I don’t even know if Yoseob will accept my feelings. I mean, all this time he may just have been regarding me as his best friend and nothing more. And even if he do likes me back, I have nothing to offer. We have so much at stake here, our group, our company and our career. I don’t want to risk it all just because I’m in love with my own bandmate."

Dujun continued, “I’ve tried to bring all the women home, hoping that one day all my feelings will vanish. But instead, I found myself in his house every morning, knowing very well that I’m hurting myself and hurting him.” Dujun sounded so broken, Junhyung patted his hand in hope he can comfort him through that gesture.

Junyung then lies down beside his best friend, knowing very well that he is going through one of the hardest dilemmas in his life, apart from when Hyunseung and himself has to leave the group. “Dujun-ah, I’m going to say this but I don’t want you to feel bad. When I had to leave the group, I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. If only I had done this, if only I had done that. And when I heard of Hara’s passing, I wanted to killmyself. Even if we were not together anymore, she was once someone who was very important to me. I had a lot of passing regrets. And as your best friend, I don’t you to feel that way.” Junhyung turns his body to face Dujun. “I don’t want you to look back and wished you’d hold onto Yoseob instead of letting him go. I love the both of you so much and I don’t want you both to live with regrets like me. Therefore, instead of running away, I hope you can resolve this between the both of you properly.”

Dujun turned his head to Junhyung and sit up. He smiled, “thanks, Junhyung-ah.”

“No problem, now let’s talk to Kikwang before all the members and managers turn the company upside down because of a missing leader.” Junhyung hits Dujun’s thighs while laughing lightly.

I might seem a bit awkward
I’ve always missed you, oh
I don’t know where to start
I just smile awkwardly, I’m sorry that I’m here late

Yoseob sits in the practice room while laughing soundlessly, scrolling through his Instagram while posting pictures of him and Dongwoon’s elephant birthday balloon on his instastory. He sighed, thinking that the only way for him to get himself to stop thinking about their leader is to get to work and talk to his fans.

Dongwoon has updated him that Dujun is fine, he just needed some space to rest after all the schedules and will be back soon for them to practice for their KCON concert. He’s not sure if he’s ready to face their leader again, but he knows that sooner or later they’ll have to do it. It’s part of their job to face each other every day. He sighed again for the umpteenth time today.

He was typing a reply to a light when suddenly there’s a notification from Dujun.

From: Dujunie
To: Yoseobie

Yoseob-ah, I know you’re in the practice room. Come up here to the rooftop, the view is nice. And let’s talk.

Yoseob’s heart stopped beating. He swore his heart stopped beating. He wasn’t expecting Dujun to be here at the company. He wasn’t expecting them to be meeting and talking this early. His heart and mind is not ready. Not ready to face the rejection. Not ready to admit his long time one-sided crush towards his leader.

From: Yoseobie
To: Dujunie

Ok, I’m coming.

Through the tunnel of darkness of missing you
Through the light of memory with you
Towards your fingertips that seemed close
I just ran forward because I missed you so much

Yoseob shivered slightly at the cold air that hit him as soon as he closes the door to the rooftop. He watches Dujun’s back as he smoke his cigarette. Yoseob smiled, admiring the relaxed back of Highlight’s leader who has gone through so much for the group. He walked forward and stood beside him while looking far away at the view.

“The view is nice,” Yoseob started. He figured that if they’re going to do this, might as well they do it fast. Dujun threw his cigarette on the floor and step on it. Yoseob turned his head slowly, “You might want to pick that up later, or else manager-nim will scold you again.”

Dujun chuckled, “Amidst all this, you can still nag at me.” Dujun then turn to Yoseob and stared at him earnestly. “Yoseob-ah, I was at Junhyung’s for the past few days. I was trying to collect my thoughts and plan my action, because I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore. Not the company, not highlight, and certainly not you.” Yoseob turned to Dujun then, finally looking him in the eye. He then saw the ugly eyebags, the worries on his leader’s face as Dujun continues.

“I’ve been convincing myself that the only reason why I keep trying bring girls home is because I sincerely want them. But who am I kidding. I was actually forcing myself to be with them and the closest I’ve been with them to a bed is outside your door.”

Dujun took a step forward towards Yoseob.

“But I always found myself walking towards your house every time. I was wondering what the reason might be. I thought, oh maybe because I don’t really want them.”

Another step forward.

Yoseob was holding his breath while his eyes waters. “Maybe because who I want is Yang Yoseob, and not all the nameless girls that I don’t even know who.”

One last step forward.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry
That I couldn’t come any sooner
I’m sorry, I’m sorry
That I only made you worried

Dujun is now staring down at Yoseob’s face who is mere inches away from his face. “Yoseob-ah, I’m sorry for being a coward. I’m sorry for running away all this time instead of facing the problem.” Dujun scoffed a little, “how can fans call me a responsible leader when I can barely solve my own love life.” He continued, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry was late. I’m sorry I couldn’t say this to you sooner. I love you, Yoseob-ah. More than you could ever know.”

Yoseob can feel the his tears finally rolling down his cheeks. Dujun’s hand itches to wipe those tears away, but he fought those urges and clenches his fist, not wanting to scare Yoseob again.

Yoseob wiped away his tears while looking at Dujun’s fist which has turned red. He reached out to them and open the fingers slowly one by one. He then moves forward and hug him.

“There are days when I hated you the most, because how can you blindly bring girls home while I’m dying inside trying to get over you. But even with all that, I still found myself pinning for you and wishing you to bring me home instead of those girls.” Yoseob chuckled lightly and pulls away.

“I love you, Dujun-ah. Even after all these years, you’re still the person that I love the most.” Yoseob then raises his hand and lightly caresses Dujun’s face, “as a man.”

Instead of saying the words
That I had written and practiced
I just can’t stop saying
I’m sorry, I’m sorry

Dujun moved forward and claimed Yoseob’s lips. They moved in sync, as if they’ve done this before. Yoseob gripped Dujun’s sleeves tighter, hoping to bring the man closer. Dujun pulls away first, and hug Yoseob tightly while mumbling, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yoseob-ah.”

Yoseob just smiled and continue to hug Dujun tighter. “Since when?” He mumbled into Dujun’s sweatshirt. And Dujun replied, “Doesn’t matter. Because now it’s going to be towards forever.”

Through the tunnel of missing you
Through the light of memory with you
Towards your fingertips that seemed close
I just ran forward because I missed you so much

Dujun walked into the practice room, and dropped himself beside Yoseob, brushing a kiss towards his cheek briefly. Dongwoon gagged at the scene and Kikwang barfed, “Ya, I know the both of you are now are dating openly and don’t really care about us, but please tone down the PDA.”

Dujun smiled cockily and slung his arm around Yoseob’s shoulder, “Don’t be jealous, Kikwang-ah. One day you’ll meet someone too. Just like how I’ve met my muse.” Yoseob laughed loudly because Dujun is so corny while Dongwoon and Kikwang made a face towards each other.

“Guys, I’m here!”

All of them turns towards the door and Dongwoon shouted, “Junhyung hyung!” Kikwang and Dongwoon ran towards him and hugged him tightly.

Dujun turned to Yoseob in his arm and smiled, “I love you.”

Yoseob smiled warmly and kissed his cheek, “Forever.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry