one : the umbrella that seems real

 

Met a lost soul on that day. It was a girl. A lost girl in her oversized white hoodie, and denim shorts. The one who smiled at me everyday when I was sixteen years old.

 

Most romance novels would say "she's warm, she looks like a sun" but mine was different.

 

She feels like rain in the late evening with an orangish pink sunset. She was not the "you can do it", she was my "you did your best today, tomorrow would be good for you". 

 

She didn't knock on the door of my life like normal people do. She wasn't a human to begin with when I met her. 

 

At least she was.

 

Her black hair tied high ponytail, she seemed friendly and fun and it matched her bright smiles. That kind of smile I have never seen before, let alone have it.

 

I met her on a rainy late evening, in my school uniform, just got off from my part time job, in a cafe far away from home so mom wouldn't catch me.

 

Hop off the green bus with a heart full of ease and worries at the same time. Because I got my pay for the month but I forgot to bring an umbrella with me. Imagining myself running in the rain to home from this bus stop, imagining my uniform getting drench, imagining myself getting cold because of it, imagining myself having to take days off from my part time job because of it, imagining my mom asking where I was from in this rain.

 

Scary. 

 

Everything seems very scary to me. I sat on the bench under the bus stop, patiently waiting for the rain to stop, eyes empty, and I was just counting people leaving the bus stop one, by one.

 

Some got picked up by their parents. Some stopped a taxi. Some shared an umbrella together and left the bus stop. Some took another bus. Some even ran into the rain, but not alone, together with their friends.

 

I had to wait. Mom was busy, like really, busy. However this is not a story about a high school girl neglected by her family. Mom was just busy, looking for money to raise me.

 

It was no big deal to me, I went to school and got off from work everyday alone anyway. But maybe, on that day, it was a little bit different for me. 

 

I got my pay, on mom's birthday but I can't use it to buy a present for her, not even some flowers for her, let alone a slice of cheesecake. I kept the money for something else. For something I really wanted to do but mom was against it. 

 

Felt weird, and dead, at the same time. Mom was everything to me. She trusted me in everything but this one and unfortunately, I wanted that the most. 

 

Eventually, I was the only one left at the bus stop, and it seems like the rain won't stop anytime soon. 

 

Still sitting on the bench, I stared at my shoes. Kinda sighed a bit, thinking whether I should use half of my pay to buy new shoes for school. However, if I use half of it for my shoes, I would have to use another half of it to buy mom a present and eventually there would be nothing left for that thing. How could I spend the money for my own shoes on her birthday? 

 

I stood up eventually, and decided to just run in the rain. I couldn't wait any longer, I couldn't go home too late or mom would find out that I never signed up for the academy after school she told me to. The money she gave me for that academy was still in the drawer in my room. 

 

Mom, somehow if you read this story, I'm sorry.  I ended up putting that money into your wallet when I turned 18 years old, because you never caught me not signing up for that academy.

 

You were not dumb, you trusted me, that's all. Thank you, I love you, really. 

 

Running in the rain, alone and of course wet as . I didn't slow down at all, keep running at the same momentum so it wouldn't feel bad and it works, I felt normal. Not until I stumbled onto the concrete. 

 

I didn't stand up from my fall right away. I felt bad. I felt it all in my head in one fall. Shouldn't have lied to mom, should have just signed up for that academy, should have just given up on my dream, should have just forgotten about that piano mom sold off for my school. 

 

I cried. Didn't even stand up from my fall, didn't even bother to run to any roof. In the heavy rain, I brought out my smartphone, the only treasure left for me. The one I sold to my friend in the end. 

 

Plugged my earphones in the rain, and let the Chopin - Prelude in E Minor Op. 28 No. 4 play, and somehow, the rain doesn't seem so bad. 

 

Chopin - Prelude in E Minor Op. 28 No. 4 made it more bearable but there was something else too. 

 

It was the lost soul that found me. 

 

The one who saved me. The one with an oversized white hoodie, denim shorts, black hair tied high ponytail. 

 

The one who smiled so bright, under her yellow umbrella. The one I met in the rain, late in the evening, couldn't see the sun because of the rain, but an orangish pink sunset was in her eyes. 

 

She holds out the yellow umbrella above my head. She was smiling. 

 

"are you okay?" was her first question to me and I had no answer for her,

 

Because no matter how heavy the rain was, she wasn't wet at all. No matter how real the umbrella seems, I still had rain on my head.

 

"I found you... Jo Yuri" she said. 

 

She found me. She said she found me and she seems sincere, I couldn't even doubt her, it seems like I was the only one in her eyes, it seems like I was the only one she cares about. 

 

Didn't even ask her how she knew my name, didn't even ask her why she's going around searching for me instead of going to her new home. 

 

"What's your name?" I asked her. 

 

And that was when I lost it. Tears fell down from her sunset eyes instantly. Lose her grips on that yellow umbrella and instead of falling on the concrete, the umbrella disappeared like some sort of dust. 

 

She bit her lips, holding herself from crying, she fell on her knees. 

 

"I don't.. know... I couldn't... remember..." before the sunsets disappeared from her eyes, before it turned white, her smiles, vanished. 

 

"Take me home, p-please, Yu-Yuri please" stuttered and cried louder when reality hit her that she couldn't even touch me. 

 

She cried too loud, but I didn't think...anyone could hear her, besides me. 

 

two : unknown memories

 

I accepted her, I took her into my life.

 

And eventually being with her, brought me into a new life, or I thought it was.

 

I met new people everyday, new family members, made new memories, everyday, in every sleep, in every dream I had, when I was sixteen years old.

 

My first dream was about a sweet girl, figured out she wasn't korean but Japanese. I was chilling at home, swiping the Instagram stories on my phone, until her stories showed up on my screen. 

 

A picture of her socks with her toes out through the holes. 

 

I texted her right away, "hahahahhaha, do you want me to send you socks?" and it brought me to the scene of myself, buying socks in a small shop and eventually, a scene where I send the socks to the post office, before I woke up from that dream. 

 

I stared at the ceilings, wondering what kind of relationship I have with this girl for me to be sending socks all the way from Korea to Japan. 

 

"it's Hitomi.. Honda Hitomi" she said. 

 

I stood up from my bed, bent down to check her out under my bed. 

 

"Who is she? And why are you under my bed? I told you to sleep next to me." I asked. 

 

"Well, I don't know, I'm just... comfortable under your bed" she smiled under my bed. Her eyes were naturally playful. Even when it was dark under my bed, weirdly, her smile was bright, I could see it. I thought about having that smile for a long time in my life, I loved it. 

 

I lay down on the floor, my body was facing her who was under my bed and she was still, smiling to me. I couldn't stand it, her playful eyes, her bright smiles.. I grabbed her wrist, pulled her out from my bed with one try. 

 

Her eyes widened, still looking at me, with our face just a few inches away from each other. Magically, I figured it out, that I might be able to touch her even when she couldn't, and I was right. I was the only one who could make her become something, instead of just a lost soul.

 

And she didn't know that, I guessed. Her lips parting a bit, her eyes were still looking at me. 

 

"why? Are you shocked, because I can touch you?" I asked, genuinely. 

 

She brushed off my grip on her wrist. She fixed her position, facing the ceiling instead of facing me. 

 

Silence was the only thing between us for quite long and I didn't force her to speak, I couldn't, but then she, 

 

"Hitomi was the same age as you, you both were close. You send her socks all the way from Korea to Japan after she left Korea. You spent two years and a half with her and..." she stopped.

 

"and?" I looked at her, who was lying next to me  on the floor. 

 

She turned her head to face me, she was not smiling, I didn't like it. 

 

"don't do that anymore..." she stopped and when I was about to ask for the reason why, 

 

"my heart.. is fluttering, right now.. and I don't like it" before she disappeared like dust.

 

And that sums up what kind of thing she was. She shows up and disappears anytime she wants without a warning. I knew since that, that our parting would be painful and I wouldn't enjoy it. 

 

three : how about you? 

 

Eventually, there were more and more dreams I had to experience and I had no clues, if all those dreams came from the reel of my memories, or were it from the reel of someone else's memories. 

 

Dreamt about another woman, a very beautiful one. We were bickering, and it was loud as hell. I even thought of waking up earlier than I should because I couldn't stand it but however, I continued my dream, because, the woman seemed very close to me in that dream.

 

We were fighting, or I should say, we were just doing funny skits. Found her on our bed with another girl, a pink haired one. Wanted to slap myself in that dream, I was dramatic as hell. 

 

"Honey, I'm home" seeing the woman in bed with someone else, I stuttered, pretended to be shocked, "what is this situation? I don't understand.." added a crying tone in my voice, "Hyewon-ah, the two years we spent together... I was dating myself?" heard sounds of laughter in that dream. Didn't know who Hyewon was before, but she was so pretty in my dream. 

 

Also dreamt about a woman saying she gave me warm honey water at night. 

 

I didn't see myself in that dream.

 

"I gave Yuri warm honey water last night, and I told her not to push herself too much and take care of her voice" she said and I was thinking about why am I so loved by many. 

 

The last thing I heard in that dream before I woke up was, "Thank you, Chaeyeon-ah"

 

And it was not my voice. 

 

Almost all the dreams I had were happy ones. I was happy about going to sleep everyday, and I smiled after waking up from almost, every dream. 

 

I woke up with a smile on my face and her face, lying next to each other on the same bed and I will always say "who was that in my dream? Tell me about her" and she would always smile and tell me all about them, and I, would always hold her hands, just so that I can see her playful eyes when she smiles. 

 

I met 10 unknown women in my dream, but none of it was her. 

 

"How about you? when will I be able to see you in my dream?" I smiled, small and soft, the best I could fake.

 

She didn't answer me. Maybe she couldn't answer me or she didn't want to. 

 

Lying next to each other on my bed, I brought my fingers closer to her face on that day, caressed her cheeks, her eyebrows, the mole on her nose, her lips.

 

"When will I see you in my dream" I brushed her hair and she didn't say a word, she was just staring at me, she was just smiling, with sunsets in her eyes. 

 

"We need to know who you are, so you could go... in peace" tears fell down from my eyes, "don't worry, I'll find out who you are as soon as possible, I promise". 

 

She smiled, soft before she disappeared from my sight and I couldn't deny the fact that I was upset about it, about her, who always disappears whenever I ask about herself.

 

I threw my pillows at the door. All of it. Ran out of pillows, I threw my blanket, my books, my chair, my clothes, everything.

 

I screamed, I hated it. I loved her. I saw 10 pretty women in my dream and she knew everything about them. It felt like some sort of devasion of my privacy. 

 

By that time, I didn't even know if she really doesn't know who she is or if she doesn't want to tell me. 

 

"ARGHHHHHH YOU REALLY!!!!!" I screamed and probably too loud to the point mom opened the door to my room out of nowhere. 

 

"Jo Yuri, why were you.." she