“Do you think she still thinks of me?” 

 

Seulgi gives her a look, the look. The look that begs Joy not to go down this road again. A hopeful look, that maybe this time it’ll be different and Seulgi won’t have to suffer through Joy's usual spiel and actually get some reading done like she’d planned.

 

“I mean obviously she has a new girlfriend now, but I mean we only just broke up so it’s not like she could have just forgotten about me and it wouldn’t be unlikely for me to pop into her head every once in a while, right? And I would say it wouldn’t necessarily be unreasonable to say she thinks of me.”

 

Seulgi returns to the book in her hands. Guess it’s her fault for having hope this vent could somehow be avoided. 

 

“I wonder if she thinks about me the same way I think about her. I mean she’s obviously doing fine with her girlfriend and all, but I wonder if she ever misses me. Thinks about what we could have been. Where it all went wrong.” 

 

Joy pauses, “I saw her yesterday.”

 

Seulgi's head whips to where Joy sits on the bed.

 

“She was with her girlfriend,” she picks innocently at the comforter, “She’s pretty.” Joy looks up to meet her roommate’s gaze with a smile that doesn’t match her eyes. “She kind of looks like me.” 

 

She laughs, but it quickly chokes into a cry. “I guess it all hit me now. I know who she pretends I am- pretends I was. Now that she’s got what she’s always wanted, kind of makes you wonder, what was missing from me? Why not me? Why couldn’t it be me?”

 

“It doesn’t feel fair that I’m here,” she gestures with her hands the space surrounding, “and she’s fine. She gets to be fine, resenting me, moving on, whatever, and I can’t even be her friend. I feel like I’ve been shortchanged somehow.”

 

“So does she think of me? Does she wish we could have worked out? Does she feel bad we’re where we are now and miss how we were when we started? Why does it feel like she just wants to erase me? Like I’m a stain in her past she wished never happened, and yet her new girlfriend is so much like me. Does she ever see me in her?”

 

Joy falls back onto the pillows behind her and stares at the ceiling. Seulgi continues to watch her silently.

 

“I want her to be reminded of me when she sees her. I want her to miss me. I want to know she thinks about me. I want to know why she won’t talk to me. I want to know what she has that I didn’t. I wish…“

 

“I wish things could be like they used to-“

 

“Joy,” Seulgi interjects sternly. 

 

Joy rolls over onto her side, turning her back to her roommate. Seulgi knows she’s crying. 

 

She sets her book back on the table and gets up to turn off the light. 

 

“Seul?”

 

Seulgi hums in response, her hand resting on the light switch.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me, I barely said a word.”

 

Joy takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Seulgi switches the lights off, “Goodnight, Joy.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Seulgi closes the door on her way out.

 

Maybe she’ll finish reading tomorrow.