"Good morning."

Like any other day, I froze at the sound of her voice.

I closed my eyes for another minute before I felt another nudge.

"Hey, you need to get up now."

I almost did. Except I opened my eyes to my beloved - and her face illuminated by the night lamp was the very same face I want to see every single time I wake up.

Just like this. Except it's different.

"It's rude to stare." She said with a smile - breaking the silence. "And you're going to be late. Again."

I groaned at her last sentence before I covered my face with my left arm - and it's probably what made her laugh again.

Seulgi, you have got to stop doing that. This.

"Just so you know, I'm not letting you sleep again. You've been late for four days now."

I paused. Right.

I sighed before I sat up. I did not tell her that yesterday was my last day at work for now. I filed a leave for a month.

"I have no work today." I finally managed to say something.

She suddenly panicked and looked for her phone. I frowned.

"Oh , I'm sorry. What day is it today?" She rambled as she looked around. "But it's Thursday today. I can't be wrong.

Tangina. You're dedication to your mission of waking me up every single day.

"You're not wrong, Seul. I just forgot to tell you. I filed for leave. For a month or so."

She's more confused now.

"Why?" It's her turn to frown.

I laid back down, closed my eyes for a couple of seconds before I returned her gaze.

"I just thought I need rest." Sagot ko

Then her eyes softened. And then they spelled worry.

"Is something wrong? Did something happen?"

I quickly shook my head and gave a smile of assurance. That it's fine. That I'm fine. Even though it's not. Even though I'm not.

"No, no. I'm okay. It's just that..." Damn the pause made this dramatic. "I want time for myself. I want to think.... I think."

She levelled her head with mine. Goddamn. Stay away.

"About?"

"You? Me? I don't know."

. That was not the plan.

I don't want to confront her this early in the morning.

Once again, she frowned.

"What's wrong with us?" She asked. No hesitation.

I smiled bitterly. God, I would've laughed if it's not dumb to do so.

"That's the thing, Seul. We don't have an 'us'. It's just 'you' and 'me'." I answered.

I wanted to laugh at her "oh" kind of reaction but I stopped myself. I have to take this seriously or she won't.

She can't seem to find the right words to say so I brought up the unwanted questions. We need to clear this up.

I breathed in deeply and blurted out the question I have always wanted to ask.

"What are we doing, Seulgi? What am I to you?"

It was her turn to lay back down with her eyes closed.

"I don't know." She opened her eyes again and ansewered with a shrug gesture. "I mean, how am I supposed to answer that?"

I sat up and ran my hand through my hair.

"You see, this is why this is all so ed up. You never had an answer. You never knew what you wanted. Or maybe you do. You just don't want to admit it."

She turned her head towards me and I hated myself for liking this.

The way her eyes glowed when the light hit her face. The way my most beloved features of her face were highlighted.

I should be mad. But every single second I spend with her, I'm loving her more. And it's bad and toxic and wrong.

It's ironic. It's unhealthy

Kang Seulgi, you are bad for me.

"Help me here, Stal. Help me understand, please." She sat back up and stared at me.

"Now, how am I supposed to talk property. You're melting me." I said. She frowned but a small smile formed on her lips. "I said that out loud, didn't I?"

Tumango lang sya and said "Talk to me about it."

"You see, there's Jisoo, and Jenny, and Tzuyu." And once again she frowned. "And if Wendy isn't in a relationship with Joy I'll put her on the list too."

She cut me off with a "What?!" matched with a huge frown and hands thrown in the air a little.

"And lastly, Irene. A lot of times Irene." I finished.

"So what, are you jealous?" She asked with a laugh.

"No! And I try so hard not to be- " she cut me off once again.

"They're just my friends- "

"Because wala akong karapatan." Its my turn to cut her off.

"Stal you're my-"

"What? Your super-special-ultra-mega-bestfriend?" And there's the bitter laugh, finally. "But that's the thing, Seulgi. At the end of the day, kaibigan mo lang din ako."

And she went silent.

"Nothing more, Seul. No matter what other adjective we put in before the word 'friend'. At the and of the day it's just the same."

"Uuwi ka sakin after an entire day and then what? Wala na eh."

I stopped. At inulit ang mga salitang paulit-ulit kong sinasabi ko sa sarili ko kapag yayakap ka sakin pag gabi.

"Kaibigan mo lang din ako."

When she finally found something to say she spoke.

"Stal, you're different. You know that." She said as she reached for my face, touching my cheek.

Bull.

That's when a tear fell.

"That's the other thing, Seulgi. I am different. But, what am I? Name it." I removed her hand.

She seemed to have lost her words again.

"I dare you. Name it. Label it."

She closed her eyes again and rested her face in her palm.

Tangina naman, Seulgi. Eto nanaman tayo.

"I don't know."

Putangina. Ang sakit pala kapag galing na talaga sakanya.

"Pero walang sila. Walang iba." She tried to reason her out but I blocked that bull.

"Eh di, wala lang din ako."

"Stal."

I breathed in deeply before I reached for her hand.

"Seulgi, look at me." And she did. "This is why I asked for a break. I need this break. Not just from work. I need a break from you."

"But why? I don't understand. How?" I can see pain in her eyes and tears attempting to fall out but I fought the urge to hug her.

I can't go back to my drugs the first minute of my rehabilitation.

"How can you figure it out on your own? I mean, far away and all alone?"

I almost laughed at that. Those random rhymes, God.

"Seul, sometimes, you can only hear what you need to hear in silence." She nodded. "So now, I need to stop and take a step back. Away from you. And take another step forward - towards me. If you can't choose me, Seulgi -  wholeheartedly choose me. I need to be the one to choose myself.

She leaned back and we stayed silent for a couple more minutes before she spoke again.

"Where are you gonna go?" She asked.

"Places."

"Do you really need to go?

Will you stop me?

I smiled. As much as I want you to. No. I need to go. I will still go.

"I have to." I said with smile.

"Babalikan mo ba ko?"

I shook my head.

"No, Seulgi." She looked sad and almost panicked but I held her hand once more.

"You have to have your answers and move forward, too. And you have to meet me somewhere. I can't always be the one running towards you." I finished.

"So, where do I go from here? You already took your step. Where do we go from here?"

I just stared at her and said, "Steps."

"Take your steps." She pouted but nodded and I smiled.

Mahal talaga kita.

Oo na. Tanga nanaman ako sa'yo. Pero iba na to.

"Seulgi, If you're not too far, I'll wait for you."