Sigh.

 

It's a chilly night, the evening breeze cool to the touch and making Chaeryeong's skin break out into goosebumps. The corners of her lips curl up a little because this is just perfect for her.

 

The seasons are about to change, the scorching warmth of summer giving way to the cool, autumn season.

 

Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath as she leans her back further against the park bench she's currently sitting on. This time of the year is her favorite, mostly because she feels the most relaxed and at peace in the days following the end of summertime.

 

As it is, she finds her mood matching and adjusting to the seasons. The summer has her feeling jubilant and vigorous as the blazing sun, whilst the cold and dreary autumn season always manages to make her feel glum, withdrawn, and melancholic.

 

At around this time though, at the in-between of the two seasons, she finds herself at the most content and relaxed.

 

Maybe it has something to do with the overall ambiance around her, but Chaeryeong doesn't particularly mind until the rains begin.

 

With her eyes still closed, the scrunching of rubber soles against gravel brings her out of her internal musings. She knows, even without opening her eyes, that it's her who is approaching right now.

 

And one corner of her lips curls up into an amused smirk, when the newcomer takes a seat beside her and her senses get overwhelmed with the familiar scent of fresh fabric conditioner and something that’s uniquely hers.

 

With another sigh, Chaeryeong finally opens her eyes and slowly turns to the side, immediately being greeted by the sight of a familiar, beautiful smiling face.

 

Her heart, that pesky, traitorous organ taking residence in her chest, decides that now is the perfect time to go into overdrive.

 

Seeing as she can’t actually clutch at her chest in front of her, Chaeryeong settles with gripping the wood of the bench. She hates how it’s been years, yet the other person still has the same effect on her.

 

No matter how much Chaeryeong tried, no matter how long it’s been, she'll always be the one and only person in this lifetime that could make her heart beat like it’s never beaten before.

 

“Hey there. I see you’re as emo as ever, Lee Chaeryeong,” the other girl says with that perfectly annoying, perfectly attractive, teasing grin of hers.

 

It takes a humongous effort for Chaeryeong to not reach out and poke her cheeks like she usually does. 'Your self-control isn’t as fragile as thin glass', she reminds herself, as she settles for a simple eye roll and a frown.

 

No matter how much she likes to deny it, there’s been a huge shift in their friendship dynamics. And it’ll be best for Chaeryeong if she learns to accept this fact sooner rather than later.

 

Better to rip the bandaid off and all that shenanigan, right? Feel the pain in one fell swoop, rather than the slow, agonizing torture.

 

The other girl laughs, fond and amused, and Chaeryeong is instantly reminded how that laugh is her favorite sound in the world.

 

“Kidding, kidding,” the other says with a chuckle, even raising her arms in surrender, and Chaeryeong can’t help the way her lips slowly curl up into a wide grin because she's really just weak for her like that.

 

“Really funny, Shin Ryujin,” Chaeryeong tells her with another eyeroll.

 

She turns away from the girl and facing forward, crossing her arms over her chest as she lets the cool breeze gently hit her skin.

 

Chaeryeong hears Ryujin sigh beside her. Not her exasperated sigh, but the one the other girl lets out whenever she’s amused by her antics.

Chaeryeong can’t help but pout in indignation, to which Ryujin chuckles yet again.

 

Deep inside though, she's glad that they're finally seeing each other like this again. It’s been months since the two of them have been together, mostly because Ryujin has been real busy with preparations and stuff. So, to say that Chaeryeong missed her would be a huge understatement.

 

“God, Ryeong, I really missed you, y’know,” she says, still chuckling.

 

And Chaeryeong's stupid, treacherous heart falls victim to Shin Ryujin's sweet words all over again.

 

God damn it.

 

Sighing—she seems to be doing that a lot this evening—Chaeryeong feels her own pout slowly morphing into a soft smile as she turns to face her friend again.

 

Ryujin is smiling just as fondly at her, the smile that makes Chaeryeong forget that there’s a whole world existing outside their bubble. The smile that makes her forget they're not the only two people on Earth.

 

“I missed you too,” she tells her honestly, because there’s no use lying to her anyway.

 

Ryujin just knows her too well for that to work.

 

Now with a smile playing on her lips, Chaeryeong breaks her gaze from Ryujin's and turns to face forward once more. Comfortable silence reigns over the two of them thereafter, as they both bask in the comfort of each other’s presence.

 

Who knows how long it’ll take for the two of them to see each other again after this night. After all, they both lead very busy lives. It’s just that ever since the start of her friendship with Ryujin, the two of them always made the effort to make time for each other.

 

Lately though, along with the shift in their relationship, it’s been hard to meet up like this.

 

And even though it hurts, even though it feels like her heart is being ripped to pieces with every cancelled plan and every delayed meeting, Chaeryeong doesn't really have the right to demand for Ryujin's time and attention.

 

So, she learned to content herself with whatever her friend could give. Because Chaeryeong thinks that being able to talk to Ryujin and spend time with her even if for a short while is infinitely better than not having her in her life at all.

 

Chaeryeong is brought out of her musings by the shrill ringing of Ryujin's phone, and the familiar sound sends a painful pang straight to her heart.

 

Because she knows it’s the ringtone Ryujin uses specially for her.

 

And just like that, the searing, white-hot pain in her chest, the one that she's been trying her best to ignore for the past however many months, reminds her of its presence once more.

 

The pain is enough to knock the breath from her lungs, and Chaeryeong tries her best to subtly take a shaky inhale to steady her heartbeat.

 

The bitter taste of regret and heartbreak linger on her tongue, and it takes all of her energy to not break down right then and there in front of her.

 

For months, Chaeryeong has been successful in keeping the pain at bay. And now, with a single ringtone, she finds herself crumbling.

 

How utterly pathetic.

 

She makes the mistake of turning to look at Ryujin, and she feels her whole world stop when she finds the other girl staring so intently back at her.

 

There’s an unreadable look in Ryujin's eyes, and the intensity of her gaze makes Chaeryeong feel like she’s peering right into her very soul, but she can’t find it in herself to look away.

 

With an almost apologetic smile on her lips, Ryujin answers the call and Chaeryeong feels her heart drop. Because as soon as the other girl starts speaking into the receiver, she could see her eyes light up like they never did for anyone else.

 

Not even for Chaeryeong herself.

 

And she feels her already broken heart shatter even more.

 

It’s utterly stupid, and very naive of her, to expect Ryujin to return her feelings when she never even atleast once attempted to confess to the girl in the years that they've been friends.

 

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with hoping that Ryujin feels the same and that she’d make a move first. And there were times over the years, where Chaeryeong thought that her feelings weren’t really as unrequited as she thought.

 

But lo and behold, ten years after their first meeting with each other, Ryujin is already settling down. With someone who’s not Chaeryoung.

 

And this phone call is like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped on Chaeryoung's head. Like a sharp slap of reality to both of her cheeks. Because she's reminded of the reason why the two of them met up tonight in the first place.

 

Besides meeting up for the first time after four long months—because Ryujin had been busy with wedding preparations—she’s also going to give Chaeryoung her invitation tonight. Because she'll also be a part of the wedding.

 

As Ryujin's maid of honor.

 

Chaeryoung feels like crying right now. Or shouting. Or doing both. Honestly, she just wants to head back to her place and maybe break down until the sun peaks in the horizon.

 

It’s probably better if she'd be able to move on from Ryujin too, but she knows it’s not gonna be happening anytime soon.

 

The past five years have been proof enough. So she's willing to settle for the next best thing: break apart and cry her heart out until she can cry no more.

 

Maybe she can even call Chaeyeon and get her sister to drink the night with her.

 

She knows the older girl wouldn’t have any qualms about being there for her, just like she was more than willing to comfort her when Sakura got married more than a year ago.

 

Chaeyeon did say that she’s just a call away, and that she’s willing to drop whatever she’s doing if Chaeryeong happens to need her.

 

The soft, melodious sound of Ryujin's laughter breaks Chaeryeong from her thoughts, and she feels a lump suddenly lodge in when she sees the way the girl is smiling so happily as she chirped away on the phone.

 

Ryujin takes a glance at her, and when their gazes meet, Chaeryeong tries her best to muster up her most convincing smile.

 

She silently curses under her breath when she realizes that her attempt isn’t as convincing as she thought, because Ryujin's smile mellows out a fraction.

 

The look in her eyes is inquisitive, as if she’s asking if there’s anything wrong, and Chaeryeong shakes her head slightly with a soft smile on her lips.

 

This time, Chaeryeong's smile is a bit more genuine, and she sees Ryujin's shoulders relax as she focuses on her phone conversation once more. But not before reaching out to hold the former's hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

 

It’s one of the many ways she knows how to apologize, and Chaeryeong squeezes back twice to let her know it’s alright.

 

She doesn’t let go for the rest of her conversation with her fiancée.

 

With another sigh, Chaeryeong looked up towards the starry night sky. The moon is currently hiding behind some clouds, so she contents herself with just staring at the stars as she silently wallows in her own regrets and what ifs.

 

Maybe not being able to tell Ryujin the truth about her feelings will ultimately be her biggest regret in life.

 

Maybe it won’t.

 

But for the time being, it is, and she'll forever harbor this resentment—for herself—in her heart for losing the love of her life to her own cowardice.

 

When the phone call ends, there’s a content smile on Ryujin's lips and her eyes are shining with so much mirth it’s almost blinding. She looks so beautifully happy, and it makes Chaeryeong's heart physically hurt because she's not the reason behind her happiness.

 

It’s such a selfish thought, and one Chaeryeong wishes she weren’t thinking, but she's only human so she's bound to make selfish mistakes like this.

 

“I’m sorry about that, Jisu's just being real clingy,” Ryujin tells Chaeryeong with a fond smile on her lips, the one that used to be reserved only for the latter.

 

It makes her want to throw up with how painful it is.

 

“It’s fine, I understand,” Chaeryeong managed to reply without stuttering or breaking out into a sob.

 

It’s a small win, but she still considers it a win nonetheless.

 

“By the way, here,” Ryujin says, reaching into her bag and pulling out a relatively huge white envelope.

 

Chaeryeong knew, at first glance, that it’s the invitation to the wedding and her heart breaks even further. But she powers through the pain and accepts the envelope, carefully setting it on the bench on her other side before turning to face Ryujin again.

 

With shaky hands, she reaches for the latter's and holds them in hers.

 

Chaeryeong doesn't know where she suddenly got the courage, but she looks Ryujin straight in the eyes without wavering.

 

And gathering the remaining pieces of her broken heart, she manages to smile at her without tears in her eyes. Leaning forward, she places the gentlest of kisses against her friend's forehead.

 

There’s a storm of emotions in Ryujin's eyes when Chaeryeong pulls back, clashing and swirling in those beautiful dark orbs. Her lower lip is quivering, and she looks like she’s either at a loss for words or on the verge of crying.

 

Even though Chaeryeong kind of feels bad about it, she can’t bring herself to regret doing what she did. Just because this might be the last time she can be with the other girl like this.

 

She's brought back to all the times before, when she felt like Ryujin loved her the same.

 

But there’s no use dwelling on those thoughts and memories now, because the harsh reality is she's not the one Ryujin fell in love with and is gonna marry in a few days.

 

As the first tear falls from Ryujin's eyes, so does Chaeryeong's. And with a watery chuckle, she pulls the girl towards her and envelops her in a tight embrace.

 

For the first time, and probably the last, the two of them break and cry in each other’s arms.

 

There are so many what ifs between the two of them, so many unexplored possibilities that would forever be locked away in the deepest recesses of their minds and hearts because it is for the best.

 

“Congratulations, Ryujinnie. I’m happy for you and Jisu,” Chaeryeong says against the other's neck, and she feels Ryujin tighten her hold on her.

 

It’s probably the biggest lie she's ever told her, because Chaeryeong is totally, utterly broken right now. And Ryujin probably knows, but it’s best not to talk about it.

 

And Chaeryeong is actually fine with that.

 

She just has to find a way to stop this scorching hot pain in her chest everytime she so much as thinks about Ryujin.

 

Maybe it’ll be a good thing to move away for a while, to look for an escape from everything that is Shin Ryujin and everything that reminds Chaeryeong of her after the wedding.

 

Maybe she can bring Yeji along with her. And Yuna. Because her friends are as deserving of a break from hurting and breaking as much as she is.

 

Maybe.

 

She'll just have to talk to the other girls after the wedding next week.

 

A mournful sigh falls from Chaeryeong's lips, which prompts Ryujin to hug her even tighter to the point of suffocation. But she doesn't mind one bit.

 

And as Ryujin holds her tightly in her arms, Chaeryeong starts thinking about finally letting go of her feelings for the first—and most probably the last—person she's ever fallen in love with.