t/w: religion, minor mention of homophobia

--

It was on that evening when something triggered him. When something snapped inside him, a sudden, overwhelming realisation. Chanyeol realised that he had brought shame upon himself, his family, and most importantly, God. It was when Baekhyun and he exchanged goodbyes, and Baekhyun smiled at him in a way that made his heart flutter.

That was where Chanyeol caught himself. He caught himself thinking. If Baekhyun were to be a girl, everything would have been so much easier. But Baekhyun was a guy. A male. There was nothing wrong with that, but there was something wrong with Chanyeol. He had found out about his crush on his best friend only recently. And he hated himself for it. Because it was wrong, so wrong.

A man could not love another man, not in the way Chanyeol loved Baekhyun; romantically. Of course, Chanyeol knew that he loved Baekhyun for years. But something had changed over time, and Chanyeol's friendship-based love had merged into something else. Something more.

And it was wrong, in so many ways. Chanyeol's parents have told him this before, and he had read it in the Bible with his very own eyes. If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Now, Chanyeol found himself guilty of it. Wasn't the Bible one big book of rules created for people as guidance to live their lives the correct way? To live in the glory of God and to be protected from all the wicked and the evil. The Bible was meant to keep God's children on the right path, to bring them closer to God. Bending away from God's word by neglecting it was called 'sin', and sin was what led you to hell.

Chanyeol had been told that every human was born a sinner. But consciously sinning was what kept you away from God. Begging for forgiveness from Him, whereas continually going against his will, was still wrong, whatsoever. It also led you away from God's light.

The usual struggle of a crush would be not knowing whether they like you back or not. Chanyeol could risk his tightest friendship. But - In the name of the Lord - being attracted to a guy, in general, was Chanyeol's main problem. And it was as if the more he prayed for God to guide him back to the right path, the more he asked for forgiveness, the deeper he was falling.

Before anything, Chanyeol was the most afraid. Fighting against the evil that was tempting him had only resulted in him slowly losing himself. Chanyeol was losing it and near to giving in. But he couldn't because it would be against God's will. If he gave in, Chanyeol could expect a one-way ticket to Lucifer's housings.

But he was only human. Before he knew it, he broke and relented. "Fine!" shouted Chanyeol to the universe and to God. "I'm gay! I'm really ing gay!" He bowed in apology to an elderly woman, who sent him odd looks while she was stretching on the grass.

The park was truly beautiful, all green and vivid. Thousands of flowers were draped over the grass as a colourful blanket. Nature, work of God's hands, was utterly stunning. The park was absolutely perfect. And another Park was not. Chanyeol inhaled deeply, self-disdain slowly seeping into his bones.

Chanyeol was in love with Baekhyun, therefore a homoual, and thus a sinner. And nobody should know. He was angry, at the world, and at God. He was the one who created him. Then why must He make him a sinner much more than others? Hadn't Chanyeol committed his entire life to Him already?

He glared at the sky as if that would solve everything. Chanyeol felt wronged and betrayed. But most of all, he felt guilty for blaming God. After all, it was Chanyeol who had given in. But God had done nothing to help him, even after countless implorations.

--

"You've been awfully quiet," commented Baekhyun one day. "For like, weeks already. Are you really doing alright, Yeol?"

Chanyeol snapped out of his daze and met eyes with the prettiest ones he'd ever seen. But he should not think of Baekhyun that way. Sure, he could find him attractive, but it did not mean that he should be attracted to him. He couldn't help it that Baekhyun was just so loveable.

Falling in love was one of the easiest things that Chanyeol had ever done. Falling out of love, however, was a whole other story.

"I'm okay," replied Chanyeol as honestly as he could. Which was one big fat joke because he was everything but okay. And he was now lying to God, to Baekhyun, and himself. It was unfair. Chanyeol was being unfair to everyone.

"Are you sure?" Insisted Baekhyun with askance.

Lying was unrighteous. Chanyeol shook his head. "I'm struggling with some things now."

Baekhyun laid a hand upon his arm, a comforting gesture. "Whatever you're going through, I'm here. You know that, right? You can always talk to me."

"I know," said Chanyeol. "I appreciate it."

"Now," said Baekhyun as he squired down on his bed. "Wanna talk about it?"

"We need to honour God with our lives, don't we?" Asked Chanyeol then, and Baekhyun pursed his lips as he nodded. "Yes," he said. "We live because of God, and we live for God, and He lives within us. He is what gives life a purpose, and therefore we must honour and respect Him."

Chanyeol hummed. "I've made a mistake."

"If you truly regret it, God will forgive you," smiled Baekhyun. "You know that."

And that was where the problem laid. Chanyeol was not sure if he really regretted it. Because it had become a part of him now. Whereas he had shielded himself from the temptations of sinning, he yet had kept his heart open for it. And just like how the heart circulated his blood through his body, Chanyeol felt as if the evil that he let inside spread within him. He really did not want to go to hell.

"I don't think that I'm truly regretting it," admitted Chanyeol, voice dripping shame. "We have to honour God with our lives, but I think that I failed him."

Baekhyun frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I surrendered to temptations that I knew were wrong," sighed Chanyeol.

"Yeol, you're speaking in riddles again," said Baekhyun carefully. "Could you explain what exactly you mean?"

Chanyeol didn't want to burden Baekhyun with more iniquity. Lying was reprehensible in God's eyes, nearly as much as Chanyeol's newly discovered uality. And now he'd given in to it. The worst he could do was worsening his reputation as a Christian, and Baekhyun deserved to know.

"I'm in love with you," confessed Chanyeol after a beat too long. He did not dare to make eye contact with his friend. He had no idea of how Baekhyun would take it, but he feared for the worst. Thence, Baekhyun's response surprised him.

"I know," said Baekhyun. "But what does that have to do with anything you said just now?"

Chanyeol was taken aback. The last thing that he expected was Baekhyun to misunderstand him now out of all times. On top of that, he appeared to already know about his crush. Why wasn't Baekhyun upset?

Baekhyun chuckled at his stunned face. "It's pretty obvious, you know. It wasn't that hard to p