Seulgi thinks about her.

 

Sometimes.

 

She avoids it when she can. It’s hard.

She fails to, sometimes.
Most of the time.

 

Seulgi remembers.

She remembers some times she’d rather forget, and she remembers some times she’d pay with her life to relive if only a fraction of.

(If only a second of Joohyun’s freest smiles – just long enough for a candle to douse in the heart of an avalanche. Just long enough for the snake coiling around her heart to ease its vicious grip.

Please?)

She tries to avoid it. All of it.

Since thinking leads to remembering, and remembering leads to grieving, and grieving leads to Joohyun, Seulgi would rather hide in a training room and dance until her body gives out.

“Good job today too, Seulgi-ah.”

“Thank you.” She bows, and instantly feels the weight of a heavy smile that barely reaches her eyes. If it looks as empty as she feels, her trainer does not comment on it and he leaves with a thumbs up she returns.

This, too, feels like an over-practiced dance.

Tomorrow too, he will say that, and tomorrow too, she will leave right after him and exit through the backdoor of the building to avoid meeting any more people.

Today she feels the weight of it on her shoulders; they ache in a way that hurts and harms. And as she sits in her car, as she inhales and exhales gasoline that only adds to the fire in her chest, she tries to avoid to, she can’t really help but think of-

She still can’t help but think about her.
Most of the time.

 

__

 

“Aigoo, our baby is all grown up and driving now,” Joohyun teases, body twisted in the passenger seat to face her fully with those twinkling eyes of hers that honestly put the night sky to shame.

They’re taking Seulgi’s new car for a ride around the city, simply enjoying the quiet and privacy of dawn. This was one of the biggest perks of getting her driver’s licence, for the younger girl – more intimacy in their couple, more independency also. This way, they can go on dates whenever they please.

Never leaving the sight of the road in front of her, Seulgi scoffs, “I’m a full functioning adult now, in case you didn’t notice. Please respect my very awesome life skills.”

Joohyun’s laughter melts all her fatigue away. “You say that, but don’t think I didn’t see the burnt scrambled eggs in the trash this morning.” The oldest of the pair nudges her. “Should’ve never left me alone in bed. Instant karma, I tell you.”

“In my defence, you exhausted me and I needed some energy refill.” Seulgi blushes and laughs right after she says it – Joohyun only looks prouder at such naughty achievement. “And besides, I was trying to be all romantic and give you an Insta-worthy bed-brunch.”

“You could’ve been the best bed-brunch, though.”

Seulgi grins and shakes her head, “I swear all you think about is that.” It’s not a bad thing at all; she loves that she makes Joohyun think about her that way and all the other ways too. Then, as if an afterthought, she glances at her, “but I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Let that be a promise, Seulgi hopes. Forever so.

 

__

 

It only takes her a sleepless night to notice that Joohyun has ingrained herself in every possible aspect in her life. She’s in the dance moves she practices and she’s in the movies she watches and she’s in the meals she cooks but can’t eat.

Like a shadow, cuffed to her ankles and weighing down her every step, the woman accompanies every moment of every day.

It only takes her a sleepless night after they break up to realise she is never going to be the same.

Joohyun’s absence has an imposing presence. She is right there, looming in the corners of every room watching her cry, watching her gasp for breath. She’s right here, and never really here, and Seulgi might have gone crazy.

Seulgi’s insane.

Black and white; colours drain from her face and her life and things she enjoys lose meaning while things that are meaningless she dwells on endlessly.

Seulgi feels, feels, feels, but simultaneously, numbness consumes her faster than fire would.

Everything is pointless, and yet here she is, analyzing every moment she spent with Joohyun, regretting every second she didn’t spend loving her, regretting every fight and every argument and oh god, oh god, , she has to stop crying now.

She has to stop clinging to her shirt, but it has only been one month, and the cuts are fresh, and her perfume is still lingering, and she doesn’t want to regret losing that too.

Seulgi’s craves, craves, craves. She craves more. She’s an addict, and she needs one more fix.

She can’t stop crying. It hits her in building-length waves, crashes when she least expects it to and dunks her under ing water – memories that assault her, memories still so vivid she could bring them back to life. And it hurts.

It hurts. It hurts.

It hurts so much, it hurts everywhere, like her body is about to shut down and she wants it to but it doesn’t.

Joohyun has ingrained herself everywhere, and Seulgi wonders if there is any space left for herself in her own world.

In a reality where everything is collapsing and her future is a ruptured promise, only leftover dust fills her lungs when she inhales; Seulgi wonders if there is anything left of her own world to begin with.

 

To begin with again.

 

__

 

(It isn’t the end of the world.

It just… feels like it.

Sometimes.

Sometimes all the time.

Seulgi handles this thought with utmost caution: do not dwell on the thought that you’re the boat in the middle of the thunderstorm, or the ocean will swallow you alive.

Keep busy.

(She tries.)

Call a friend.

(She doesn’t.)

(Seulgi doesn’t know how to swim.
She drowns in her bed when no one’s looking.

When no one’s looking for, or looking out for her.))

 

__

 

“What’s yours is mine. What’s mine is yours.”

Joohyun’s lips curl, blushing. “What if we regret this someday?” She wonders genuinely. “I feel like you gave me everything, and I gave you everything, and I don’t really know what that means.”

“Maybe. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.” Seulgi’s thumb draws infinite circles on the back of Joohyun’s hand. “Don’t laugh, I know it’s cheesy. But even my soul, I want to share with you.”

The older girl still laughs at her. She’s embarrassed and touched. “Ayy. You’ve been spending too much time watching dramas, Kang Seulgi.” But Kang Seulgi pouts. And Joohyun kisses her. “Same, though. I already do, honestly.”

 

__

 

What’s Joohyun’s is Joohyun’s. What’s Seulgi’s is Joohyun’s too.

Seulgi doesn’t regret any of it, but her body’s a train wreck.

 

__

 

Seulgi doesn’t always think about Joohyun.

Sometimes it’s just blank.

She watches the ceiling of her new apartment, lying on a bare bed surrounded by closed boxes she still didn’t dare unload even after two months.

Lethargic, even breathing summons too much energy.

It’s such a shame, she realizes, that she hasn’t just lost a lover, but even herself. No loss occurs as silently as losing oneself – she read that in a book someday and didn’t understand, and if only she still didn’t.

Understand.

Nothing really makes sense. She tries to understand, but all it does is exhaust her even more.

They didn’t break up because they don’t love each other.

(Seulgi’s so madly in love, she swears, she promises, she dreads. And she knows, she hopes, she wishes Joohyun is too.)

It was more of a consequence of many factors that are decidedly out of their control.

(She doesn’t understand why she blames Joohyun anyway.)

It was more of a concession for both their better good, or that’s what they agreed to.

(She doesn’t understand why it feels so wrong, if it’s truly the right thing to do, anyway.)

Seulgi’s a bit dizzy. She hasn’t eaten in a while. It hurts when she does, makes her body angry in ways she’s never experienced before. It’s like a rock settled at the bottom of her stomach.

(She doesn’t understand why. She doesn’t understand why things turned out to be so messed up in such little time.

, she doesn’t.)

Seulgi’s a bit dizzy, because closes and she realizes she’s lying when she says she doesn’t always think about Joohyun.

Cuffed to her ankle, wrapped around her neck, strangling her with love she has no more right to give her anymore, stealing every breath, every thought, and every bit of her being.

this.

 

__

 

Joohyun grins toothily, holding the last potato chip securely behind her.

Seulgi grins just as big, her heart soars and bursts over and over again with affection. She’s too happy to be annoyed, but she fakes annoyance and Joohyun rewards her with a mischievous look.

“It’s my chips!”

“You said what’s yours is mine!”

“Not when it comes to chips, unnie!”

Daringly, her brow arches as she looks at Seulgi and swiftly throws the snack in , loudly chewing.

“Yah!”

Joohyun grins wider. “Too late,” she says and wraps her arms around Seulgi’s waist to bring her closer. She mocks her by her lips for show.

“You’re so evil.” Seulgi jokingly pinches her shoulder, but easily melts in the embrace. “You’re so lucky I love you.”

“I am.” A kiss. “Would you stop sulking if I give you the last sip of my apple juice?”

A thoughtful hum. “Maybe. Or maybe I won’t until you love me forever. Depends.”

Joohyun is beautiful when her face turn serious and soft all at once. “It is settled, then. That would be the easiest thing in the world to me.”

 

__

 

She thinks she’s having a panic attack.

.

.

.

She can’t breathe – she needs to call Joohyun and they need to stop this nonsense.

.

.

.

Why the is she shaking?

She thinks she’s having a panic attack, and she curls on her bed and cries enough that her body gives out.

 

__

 

It doesn’t really get better the second month, or the third.

 

She still cries.

Sometimes.

She still misses her.

All the time.

 

It helps a lot that they don’t see each other for a while, now that she moved out of the dorms.

 

Joohyun makes her want to beg.

 

She only unpacked half of her stuff, and her dad suggests that home won’t feel like home until she finishes unpacking but Seulgi doubts that.

Home is far away.

Home has a name, and a face, and a heart that no longer is hers to cherish.

Home is too far away, and Seulgi doesn’t think she can walk that far just yet.

 

Joohyun makes her want to beg for a lift back home. Except, Joohyun maybe doesn’t want her to.

Joohyun maybe doesn’t want her back, now.

 

Seulgi counts the droplets of water as they land loudly in the sink behind her, watching intently as her spoon lies abandoned against the edge of her half empty cereal bowl. Her chin is cradled against the palm of her hand as her fingers drum against her lips and she thinks.

(She thinks about her.
Most of the time.
All the time.
Everytime.)

It’s about three in the morning. Wait. She’s not so sure; it was two thirty when she woke up from a dreamless slumber, exhausted yet wide awake. Her room had suddenly felt too small, the ceiling too low and the air too thick.

She has to tell someone before she suffocates.

Seungwan was a sweetheart about it, of course, answering her phone call and telling her she’s coming right over with Sooyoung and a serving of chocolate cake.

And Seulgi is fine, now, believe her.

Insomnia is a familiar companion, although still unfamiliar at times. Sometimes it’s hard to sleep, other times hard to go back to sleep – but it always, always ends up with her tired body slumped against the kitchen table, a cereal bowl before her and her chest constricted with everything that is, isn’t and shouldn’t be Joohyun.

Knotted in a way that hurts like a ghost: a deep sense of anxiety brought by something she can’t see, but feel so profoundly.

And Seulgi is fine, now, and different, and crying as she answers the door and the girls hug her fiercely.

Seulgi is fine, now, but it hurts still, and that’s fine too.

 

It doesn’t get better by the fourth month, nor by the fifth month.

 

(That’s fine. It’s fine.
Seulgi has friends she can love instead.)

 

__

 

“Seulgi, love, don’t cry, talk to me,” Joohyun begs and almost cries herself when her lover only sobs harder. “You’re scaring me.”

She clings to Seulgi harder, like she’s drowning and that’s her only lifeline. It’s all instinct; it’s always all instinct when it comes to their relationship.

It’s all always automatic.

It takes a few moments but Seulgi chokes out a small, “please don’t leave me, ever. I don’t want to live without you.”

Joohyun makes a sound that sounds like a whimper but quickly reassures her, “I wouldn’t. Ever.”

Seulgi’s small hands fist the older woman’s shirt and furrows further in the comforting hug. “I wouldn’t survive you leaving me.”

Seulgi’s sure she wouldn’t. She’s sure her heart would stop beating the moment Joohyun gives it back. And her soul will wither like flowers; it would rather cease than leave its mate.

 

__

 

Seulgi leaves her apartment with boxes remaining in every corner – still sealed.

She drives home at four a.m. and her mother hugs her at six a.m. and she falls asleep at seven a.m. in her father’s arms.

Seulgi leaves as silently as she came into Joohyun’s life.

It’s when her brother hugs her that she realizes she’s lost weight. It’s when she showers she realizes she hasn’t been taking care of herself  as she should. It’s when her family smile at her she realizes she hasn’t laughed in a while.

 

Seulgi’s heart stops breaking six months after, but Lala kisses her nose one night, and she grins so hard her cheeks hurt.

She will love Joohyun as silently as she came, and left, Joohyun’s life.

 

__

 

(Moonlight coiling with deep brown exquisite, that’s what she sees in Joohyun’s eyes after their first night together.
That’s how the poem goes – Seulgi knows it because she wrote it on the back of her hand on the first day of her life.

The day she met this beautiful woman she can now call hers.)

Something’s different: oxygen’s suddenly feather light and their heartbeats abnormally loud. Joohyun’s glowing now – like this is the first day of her life. As if she swallowed the sun, and now it’s shimmering under her tongue.

(Seulgi doesn’t believe in forever, but she prays upon every God that this is it.

That this is forever.)

 “You’re so beautiful,” She says, dazedly gazing at the older woman next to her.

Joohyun curls her lips as she parts them, melodious laughter dissipating into thin air. She brings a wandering strand of hair behind her ear and the bed shifts when she brings her knee further up between Seulgi’s bare legs.

“You’re so beautiful,” she argues, leaning down close enough so she feels her lover’s shaky exhale against her. “You’re the most beautiful woman on earth. I am so in love with you. I am so, so ing in love with you.”

Seulgi blinks and feels her ears burn.

If this isn’t forever, then she wants none of the other days of her life.

 

__

 

“Let’s just end it. You know we can’t hide forever and if people know—” Joohyun chokes. “Seulgi, I love you, but we can’t. I’m scared.”

Seulgi blinks and feels her eyes burn.

She feels forever slipping through her fingers like sand in an hourglass; that’s the last day of her life.

(It isn’t. It doesn’t feels like it.)

 

__

 

Tired.

Joohyun’s tired. She can feel it in her bones; in the way her body weighs twice its weight and it’s a little harder to move. She can feel it in her aching heart, in the way the blood that flows in her veins seems to carry melancholy and tinted grief. She can feel it, she can feel it so intensely – a mess of emotions assaulting her all at once. She’s tired. She’s sad. A little bit frustrated. A little bit lost.

She thinks she ed up.

Tired.

Just tired.

That’s what she tells Seungwan and Sooyoung when they dare question her sunken eyes, laughing it off and bumping their shoulders in an attempt to wipe the worry off their faces. It doesn’t work, but they’re willing to pretend it does and they exchange empty smiles that are meant to convince – because they’ve all been just tired at one point or another, because they all lack the words to say.

Joohyun wonders if they hate her for breaking Seulgi’s heart.

Joohyun hates herself, even if they don’t.

Joohyun’s just tired, and she doesn’t leave the dorm for three weeks straight.

 

__

 

Yerim updates her on Seulgi sometimes – and sometimes, Yerim tells her she’s worried about them both.

But Joohyun’s just tired.

Wonders if Seulgi is, too.

Wonders if she ed up.

She thinks she did, but it’s been six months.

 

__

 

Joohyun watches as Seulgi’s sneaker-clad feet dangle over the headrest of the sofa she’s sprawled on, an upside down shy, dopey smile on her face. Her eyes are twinkling and her cheeks are red – probably because of the blood rushing down to her head from her awkward position.

 

Or because of the sudden confession she just blurted out.

 

“You do realise you look, and sound weird right now, yeah?”

“Maybe but that’s not the point,” the younger girl replies nonchalantly, toying with the small, square pillow resting on her stomach. “I’m serious, unnie. I think I love you.”

“We’re both girls,” Joohyun points out like that on itself is supposed to explain every mystery the universe holds. She picks her sweatshirt and sends one last look at Seulgi before tugging it over her head, “you’re gonna get a headache sitting like that.”

The latter pointedly ignores the warning, not budging. “Many women date each other. It’s okay. I’ve read about it.”

There’s a pause, and then Joohyun’s fully looking at her, dressed and hair lightly dishevelled. “You’ve read about it?”

“Yes,” Seulgi nods, finally shuffling to sit properly. Her head spins for a second. “I got curious when I figured out I love you, and I couldn’t just ask Seungwannie.”

“You don’t love me like that,” the older of the pair rolls her eyes and goes back to getting ready – they have dance practice in forty five minutes. “You’ve never dated any boys before, how do you know you like girls?”

“You’ve never dated any girls before, too, so how do you know you don’t love me that way?” She hears more than sees her younger friend stand up. “I said I love you, not that I love all girls. It’s different.”

The question’s fair, but the way it tugs at Joohyun’s stomach and makes her stumble over her thoughts for a second isn’t. She’s not capable of putting it into words, how stupid this conversation is to her, but that’s because it’s obvious: they’re girls, and girls like boys, exactly the same way boys like girls. So she twirls around and watches Seulgi, wonders where all of this comes from so suddenly. “So what, now you want to kiss me and touch me like that?”

Seulgi frowns, her face turning a shade redder. “What? No. I don’t know.” She looks a bit hurt; Joohyun’s chest aches. “I just think I love you. I want to spend time with you, and I want to dance with you, and I want to figure out why I need to be with you so much.”

“But that’s just what we always do. We’re always together, what changed?” Joohyun points out, two fingers pressing against her closed eyes.

She sighs because ironically, she’s the one catching that headache.

“I don’t know but...” Seulgi trails off. “If you give me a chance, and if you think about it too, you’ll see we have something special. I just know it. Trust me, ok?”

Joohyun sighs again but nods at Seulgi’s earnest expression, “let’s just go to dance class, we’re late.”

She doesn’t miss the sad look on her friend’s face.

 

__

 

Was this the right thing to do?

Did she just make the biggest mistake of her life?

This is for their own good.

 

Was this the right thing to do?

Why does it feel so wrong?

It just feels bad now, but later they’ll be glad they did this. This is for their own good.

 

Joohyun’s mind spins.

 

Was this the right thing to do?

Does Seulgi hate her now?

Does Seulgi miss her too?

 

She’s scared.

Joohyun’s mind spins.

 

Was this the right thing to do?

Even if it isn’t, she’s scared, and Joohyun’s mind spins.

Endlessly.

__

 

Joohyun’s watching Seulgi laugh with Jongin when she realizes –

She wants to dance and be alone with Seulgi too.

And kiss her and keep her to herself only.

(Has Seulgi always been so pretty? Probably. The prettiest trainee in this whole agency. But has Joohyun always wondered how her skin would feel against her own? She’s been dreaming about it. Ever since that morning Seulgi confesses she’s been –

Scared.)

And she wants to kiss her again and again, and again and again, endlessly,  until her mind spins, on the lips and whenever Seulgi wants, too.

That’s scary.

__

 

They had their fair share of arguments before. After all, they’ve known each other for a lifetime already and it sure as hell was a bumpy road.

It’s kind of endearing how easy it is to read Seulgi when she’s upset. She makes herself small and avoids talking with her altogether. Her smiles don’t reach her eyes and her laughter sounds fake. It’s kind of endearing, but also heartbreaking.

 

She loves Seulgi. She cares for her.

 

Joohyun shifts her weight on her other foot and waits for the vending machine to spit out the two apple juice cans she just paid for. It’s Seulgi’s go-to drink whenever they finish dance practice and she thinks that maybe, maybe this will make talking to her about what happened this morning and apologising for not taking her seriously easier.

 

Because they have to talk.

Or maybe not?

 

She has to tell Seulgi she feels the same.

 

“Oh unnie, hey,” Seulgi says the moment she sees her, freshly showered and suddenly not as sad as she has been looking the past two weeks. “I’m going to eat cup ramyun, do you want to join me?”

Honestly no, Joohyun wants to say, because she needs to tell Seulgi everything and she needs to, right now, before she chickens out.

“Yeah,” she breathes out instead, bending down to pick their juice cans and offering one to her best friend who simply says thanks and grins at her. “Do you need to pick up anything from the practice room?”

“No, my bag’s with Sooyoung, she said she’s going back to the dorms and I don’t need it.” She blinks, looks at Joohyun shyly. “You?”

“I got everything I need with me, I’m good.” The older brunette smiles. (I’ve got you.)

 

__

 

When she tells Seulgi she loves her, the other girl laughs and says she doesn’t have to say it back out of pity.

When she tells Seulgi she loves her again, she tears up.

When she tells Seulgi she loves her again again, she kisses her.

They’re in Joohyun’s room when they kiss – and Seulgi grins and says she’s never felt as happy as she does right then.

 

__

 

“Joohyun-ah, if you have a boyfriend you should tell mom, okay?”

“Of course, mom,” she says, scared, mind spinning. “But I don’t. I promise.”

She’s so, so, so scared.

 

__

 

Loving Seulgi feels like walking on clouds. Nothin’s ever felt easier than being with her.

Joohyun can’t believe why she ever doubted that she loved the girl.

She doesn’t know whether she misses Seulgi, or what she had with Seulgi, and whether that means different things.

 

It hurts, everywhere, all the time.
She hasn’t seen Seulgi in six months. Not even a glance.

 

Missing Seulgi feels like being hit by lightning. Her body burns bright with a thousand regrets.

So she drinks most nights and Sooyoung stays with her and listens and doesn’t hate her for breaking Seulgi’s beautiful heart.

It hurts, everywhere, all the time and Sooyoung nods, tells her, “you do realize it doesn’t have to be that way, right, unnie?”

Joohyun begs to differ. “It’s more complicated than that and you know it, Sooyoungie.”

“And yet it doesn’t have to be,” the younger girl challenges, sipping on red wine and bouncing her leg under the table. “You can be careful. You can go through that, be scared, be terrified less, and still get through it in one piece – look at Taeyeon and Miyoung unnie. It’s been what – nine years? No one knows about them.”

Joohyun’s scared and her mind is spinning and it’s probably the alcohol, it’s probably Seulgi’s smile ringing in her ears and making her miss her and crave her and need her and she wishes she doesn’t but what would life even mean if Kang Seulgi was not her Kang Seulgi.

She doesn’t reply.

But when Sooyoung leaves, an hour later, and abandons Joohyun to her thoughts, Joohyun’s scared still, and her mind is spinning still, but maybe she really did the worst mistake of her life.

 

__

 

“Unnie?”

“hm?”

“I am so in love with you.”

“I am, too.”

“We’ll get married someday. In a foreign country. Like Taeyeon and Miyoung unnie.”

“Sounds lovely.” Joohyun kisses her and goes back to reading, her chest squeezing as fear creeps up on her. “I’ll ask you to marry me.” She says, sounding determined enough to believe it herself.

Seulgi grins, ever so effortlessly certain Joohyun will. “I’ll say yes.”

 

__

 

Seulgi smiles at her, eyes curving so prettily it makes butterflies dance in her stomach. “I think we’re soulmates. I really believe that.”

“What makes you think so?” Joohyun questions. She admires just how self-assured Seulgi could be.. “You’ve never loved anyone else before.”

“Exactly,” the younger girl sighs happily. “I can never love anyone else. It’s just you. It’s just you, my Joohyun unnie.”

 

__

 

“Let’s just end it. You know we can’t hide forever and if people know—” Joohyun chokes. “Seulgi, I love you, but we can’t. I’m scared.”

Seulgi blinks. “Unnie, what are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

“I can’t risk our lives anymore like this, Seul.” The leader begs. “For the sake of everyone, of us, the group, and our future – we have to stop.”

“Joohyun- Unnie, you’re panicking,” Seulgi tells her, tries to reason with her. She takes a step forward but Joohyun only takes one backwards. Refusal makes Seulgi’s eyes dim. “We will be okay. We have been so far.”

. “You don’t understand,” Joohyun says, eyes so wild they darken. “We can’t risk it. Not anymore.”

Joohyun heart cracks when Seulgi’s tears fall, but her resolve stays intact.

It is in the same spot they had their first kiss that they part ways, and Joohyun realizes she doesn’t even remember when their last kiss was, nor how it feels to be loved.

She’s scared.

 

__

 

She’s scared.

Terrified.

Always.

The door of Seulgi’s new apartment is made of steel and her heart feels fragile like glass – and when she knocks it breaks over and over again.

She knocks.
Over and over again.

Seulgi doesn’t answer.

Is Seulgi ignoring her?

Because Joohyun did stomp all over her heart.
Over and over again.

 

__

 

“Unnie – I think I will only love you more as the days pass by.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s like all my heart knows is to beat for you. Don’t you know?” Seulgi kisses her cheek. “It’s because unnie is the only one for me.”

 

__

 

Joohyun feels the silence stretch in the hallway. Feels the weight of time mocking her, feels all the pain she has caused crawling under her skin and baiting her.

Seulgi doesn’t answer the door, and she turns around to leave, head hung low.

Her eyes sting and all the memories come back flooding, as if the past seven months didn’t happen and she broke up with Seulgi five minutes ago.

She wishes she wasn’t so scared all the time. Because no matter how bad things could go, nothing feels as bad as losing Seulgi.

And she walks away, ready to give up because, wasn’t this what she wanted?

 

(It wasn’t. God, it wasn’t, and Seulgi needs to know – Seulgi needs to know, oh my god.

She’s lost her?

 

Oh.

 

She’s lost her.)

 

She’s five steps away from the elevator when she hears the door open behind her, and she turns around so fast her lungs seize.

Joohyun’s breath catch.

Seulgi’s eyes are bloodshot.

 

None of this is what she wanted – wants.

 

“Seulgi-ah,” she breathes out.

The brunette doesn’t answer.

Joohyun’s heart squeezes painfully at the sight of her. Her small frame even smaller than she’s used to, her tired eyes even more sullen now that she’s really looking at her again

She hasn’t changed though, and Joohyun swears her very soul shakes to be near the woman again.

Five more seconds pass. Seulgi’s whole body trembles before her face morphs into one of searing pain and a sob escapes her and Joohyun walks to her in long strides, engulfing her in a tight hug.

“Unnie,” she cries, clinging to Joohyun’s shirt tight enough for her nails to rip the fabric.

Joohyun hums, voice cracking, “I’m right here.”

“Unnie,” it comes out as a gasp. Pleading. “Please.”

Somehow, Joohyun knows exactly what she means. “I’m right here, I promise. I won’t leave again.” Her knees shake. She’s afraid she’s hurt this beautiful, loving, selfless person more than anyone could handle – but she’s not scared when she pledges, “I won’t leave. Not ever again. I promise.”

 

__

 

Lala curls in Joohyun’s lap and purrs for a pat, to which the leader obliges gently.

Seulgi watches the interaction with fond eyes, though she can’t keep her legs from bouncing under the table, and she can’t help her heart from wondering whether this is all a fragment of her imagination.

She’s scared. She’s been proven Joohyun could honestly set fire to her very soul.

But then Joohyun looks up, and when she leans to kiss the back of Seulgi’s hand, her heart settles into a quiet that keeps all doubts at bay.

Her soul soars right out of her chest to meet Joohyun’s.

If home is far away still, it doesn’t feel out of reach.

If Seulgi’s heart is worn and battered, Joohyun doesn’t seem to care.

 

Seulgi thinks if Joohyun’s brave enough to face fear, she can too.

This could be the very first day of their lives.

Even if they’re scared.