Days felt like years now... and I don't even know how can time pass so slowly. My members and I had locked ourselves in the dorm all day, trying to outcast ourselves from the world. We did not speak to each other at all, too afraid that we will break down if any one say anything. The silence was deafening. I almost thought I did not belong to the world for a second. If it wasn't for our breathing, I probably thought I'm already dead.

All our curtains in the dorm were shut. We don't want anyone to take pictures of us. The whole dorm was so dark that it felt like hell.

Maybe it would be better if I don't exist at all... An negative thought suddenly shot up in my messed up mind. I ruffled my hair in frustration. My action suddenly stopped when I realised that I had already cut them off. I bit my lower lip, getting angry at myself for being such a lousy person.

I wasn't a person who gives up easily, but these negative thoughts have been haunting me these days. I buried my face in my arms, wanting to cry again. But there was no tears. 

Right... I have not drank water since morning. 

In fact... when was the last time I ate something?

There was something missing today. Jihoonie.

We all missed our bubbly maknae. Yep, he's in the hospital now.

Our manager hyung told us he was too overwhelmed by the stress from all the hates. And he told us that we should stay calm even more at a time like this. I knew what he meant. He did not want us to feel even more stressed.

But we just can't help it. All of us were just as afraid and traumatised as the maknae was. Jihoonie was just a year younger than me. He's still a kid. In fact, we all were. I took a glance at the other member's crushed faces. They looked so tired. Jaehyo hyung's eyes looked so sad. I have never seen that dork being so sad before. He had been such a strong guy, always willing to be the one being bullied by the members. He will just laugh it off like a man.

I turned my face away, unable to bear the guilt anymore. I especially felt guilty when looking at our hyungs. Frankly speaking, it was all my fault... They don't deserve it at all. They did nothing wrong. 

Since that incident, they had never blamed me at all. They knew I was already pained enough, so they just remained quiet. But I hated myself for causing them these mess.

It's only been a few days since all the Korean media press started spreading our news like fire. All the hates from the public were directed at the whole group. Some BBCs said that the media was the cause of all these problem. Some of them even blamed a few sunbaes for making it into such a big issues.

I have heard of it. I even read the tweets myself. I was so ashamed of myself.

What they said was right. 

I don't blame them at all. Who can I blame? It was my fault right from the start... I was the one who spoke without thinking. Regret was gripping my heart every second ever since it happened, wrenching it dry. I let out a suppressed croak at the pain. I covered my mouth, not wanting to let my members know that I'm crying again. I'm their leader. I should stand strong.

But my shoulders trembled from all my sobbing, exposing my helplessness.

Finally, Kyung could not take the stress anymore. He stood up and walked over to me. His bloodshot eyes looked horrible. But I guessed I did not look anywhere better. He grabbed my collar and forced me to look into him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS NOW?!?!" He yelled at me. "WOO JIHO! WHY DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!"

I stared at his face and knew Kyung was concerned. We had known each other for so long. He knew I was blaming it all on myself again. "I...I'm sorry....." I could only croaked.

Kyung's eyes widened in disbelief. He did not expect me to be like this. Maybe he was hoping that I would erupt and release all my anger on him. But I just couldn't. I have no rights to redeem myself in front of my group members.

Those people were right. I don't deserve being an idol. I don't deserve any forgiveness....

Kyung's grip on my collar loosened and I slided back down on the cold hard floor. " THIS!" He pushed the clothes stand beside us and it crashed beside me. Minhyuk hyung immediately got on his feet and held him. "Stop it, Kyung. There is no use getting angry." He muttered and Kyung shoved him away.

"I KNOW!" Kyung bawled. He looked really ugly when he started crying. "I can't take it when Jiho is being like this.... You all knew he will take it on himself. He even shaved his head! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! He had never cut his hair this short ever since I knew him!"

I lowered my head, feeling ashamed of myself. Shaving my head was nothing.... I wished I could do something more than that.... 

Taeil gave me a sorry look. He sighed deeply. "Jiho ah..." 

I looked up into his eyes. His face softened. "You have to stay strong. You're our leader." He forced a smile and comforted me with his soft voice.

"...Ne, hyung..." I nodded dumbly. Sometimes, I wished I was not the leader. Taeil hyung was so much more matured than me... Who am I? I'm just a kid who thinks that making music is the most important. Even more important than maintaining an image.

Sometimes, I forgot that I was an idol. I thought having fun in my job and making people happy was enough.

I really learnt my lesson this time.... I really want to apologise to those I hurt.

Those BBCs who stood by my side, I'm forever thankful. If I could, I really want to be a better person for them. But... will the public give me a chance to redeem myself?

We had released a video a few days ago and I apologised with all my heart in it. It was a difficult decision for us to speak of this issue due to shame, but I was glad I had this chance.

But there were still people who did not forgive us. I had expected this beforehand. But it still hurts. How can I ever redeem myself for all the stupidity which I have been?

 No one knew the right answer to my question...

And those petitions amount continue to increase. At least that was they said.

Some said that they wanted Block B to disband, some said they want us to jump off the cliff and die. 

They said I don't deserve to be human.... I should die.... I tainted the name of Korea.

Like a never ending curse, it haunts me. I could not sleep a wink ever since then. My brain was just ed up. When I went for Block B's performance, I don't even dare to look up. Those scowls on their faces. The disgust in their eyes. The harsh words which they might throw on me.

I was not ready for anything. I was not as strong as I seem. 

***

Amongst the cheering crowds, I knew BBCs were there. They were trying to tell me something. I knew they wanted to encourage me. But, I blocked their voices out. I can't forgive myself just because they did.

I don't deserve them... What am I? I'm just a jerk who hurt their hearts.

Along with my members, I bowed to them before the stage. They started crying for us. I wanted to wipe their tears off. I really wanted to. But I'm scared. If I do anything now, it might end up hurting them even more.

Just like how I dragged Block B into this mess.

They asked me to smile. But I can't.

I don't have the rights to smile. 

The only thing I could do for them, was to perform Nanrina just like how we did before this happened. Block B put all their all in the performance, so do I. Even Jaehyo did not mess up his part. 

***

Locking myself in the room again after we came back from the performance. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror as I started to wipe off the makeup on my face. The tired face in the mirror scared me. 

Who is this guy?

I took a step back in shock.

So ugly. So horrible. He has such a bad personality. He looked like a criminal.

I feel ashamed staring at myself all of a sudden. It was as if I was conflicting with my reflection.

You should just go die... You don't deserve being a human. You just created a war because of your stupidity. 

"I'm you." Just then, a voice rang in my head. My eyes widened. 

"Yes, that disgusting fellow was you. Everyone hates you. You had been an . Making all the people around suffer for you." That voice mocked, reminding of how many people wanted me dead. Maybe even my members too.... If I had been a better leader.....

"SHUT UP!!!" Unable to take it anymore, I crashed my fist at the reflection in the mirror. The mirror broke and it fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. Blood squirted out from my wounds at my knuckles, staining the wooden floor. My eyes turned moist again as I looked down at the mess I made.

I never did anything right...

A broken mirror fragment just then caught my eyes.

After hearing the crashing sound, the members rushed to the door. They knocked on the door and  started asking me what was wrong. 

I ignored them with my gaze still fixed on the sharp piece. "Pick it up, Zico." That voice repeated in my mind. "End this and Block B will be fine again."

I blinked, momentarily lost.

Right... If I die, maybe the angered people will be appeased. Then Block B will be able to continue their activities again! No one will be hurt anymore!

I bent down and took that piece with my already bleeding hand.

"Just do it, Zico." That voice whispered. I slowly placed the broken piece on top of my wrist. Just a bit more. 

"JIHO!!!" The members shouted my name from the other side and started hammering the wooden door with their fists. They sounded like they were crazy. 

I was caught off guard and paused my actions.

Out of a sudden, I heard a sob among their voices. It was Kyung.

"WOO JIHO!" He shouted, voice choking from his tears. "I know you felt alone! But if you ever dare to do anything to yourself, I will never forgive you! Block B will never forgive you! BBCs will never forgive you. Omoni (Zico's mom) and Taewoon hyung will never forgive you!"

"KEURAE!" Yookwon bawled. "I respect you so much, Jiho. You were the best leader. If you dare to do anything bad, I will hate you. Block B will end because we lost our leader. People will laugh at us. We have come so hard to get here! How can you give up now?!"

I listened to their voices silently, remembering all the times when we were working hard for our debut. Those days when me and Kyung would spend most of the time in the recording studio, trying to write songs and presenting it to Cho PD hyung.

Cho PD hyung always rejected us, saying that it was not enough. I've forgotten how many songs I have made and mixtapes I've recorded. It was my dream, I could not give up on it.

The dream to stand on the stage, rapping the songs I wrote. People recognising my talent and hardwork with applauses and screams.

Another voice started to speak in my mind. "Zico, you're so close to your dreams. Are you going to give up now? Do you remember how your fans would cheer for you? They were still standing beside you, how could you give up on them first? It was not the first time you met with difficulties in life. Remember when all the TV stations only gave your group less than 3 minutes of the stage? Didn't you push on? Why are you giving up now?!"

I looked up and saw all the fanboards I've received from my beloved fans. Some wrote 'Block B Hwaiting <3' and the others wrote 'Zico is the best'. These were my achievements. What I should be fighting for.

Then, I knew right at that second, what should I do.

I threw the sharp piece aside and stood up straight. Taking a deep breath, I twisted the doorknob open.

No matter what happens from now on, I have my family, friends, members and my fans by my side. 

***

There was new rumours about us today. As much as I wanted to block myself from the outside world, I end up hearing it when the BBCs outside our dorm started talking about it. They were feeling angry for us. And I really appreciated them for supporting us.

The latest rumour was that the suicidal petition was actually fake and it was all a strategy to gain pity. I did not know why, but I was relieved.

It was a good thing, isn't it? At least these 10000 people who wanted us dead, was not real.

I did not know the truth of these rumours though. 

No one tells us anything.

We just focused on our music only...

I mustered up my courage and opened the curtain. The bright sunlight shot through the window, warming my cold tired heart. I heard screams below and looked down. The BBCs had relief smiles on their faces as they continued to shout 'Block B hwaiting' at me.

A small smile tugged the corner of my lips as I waved my hand at them shyly. I had problem smiling now since it has been a long time ever since I smiled. But I will try. For my BBCs.

Block B has already fallen to their pit. It can't get any worse, isn't it?

Oh right, I forgot to tell you all. Jihoon has just been discharged from the hospital. Our giant maknae is coming back home today. :)

***************************************************************************************************************************************

I wrote this while imagining myself as Zico.

All the guilt and shame which overwhelmed him these days.

How he managed to conflict with himself and will be able to stand up again.

I do hope that the last part will be true.

Block B will get on their feets again :)