Jongwoon had been crushing on Hyukjae for years. Ever since Hyukjae’s return from the military, he had let himself come to terms with his feelings. 

 

He never once thought to share this with anyone, hoping that it would go away, but the feelings only grew. He wanted to be with Hyukjae as long as Hyukjae consented to it.

 

Other members would occasionally tease Jongwoon, tell him he’s acting weird or jokingly ask if he had a crush… It came to the point where Jongwoon became desperate for it not to be a joke anymore, but he hadn’t been able to find the words for it.

 

And for that, Jongwoon decided to share a different secret. A secret with Hyukjae. A secret only Hyukjae would be able to clue in on meaningfully rather than about. It was a secret that would leave Hyukjae no choice but to get the memo. Jongwoon couldn’t imagine a scenario where it wouldn’t work.

 

Jongwoon was an age regressor. Someone who’ll drift away from stress but putting themselves into the mind of a child. Some of these ‘children’ enjoyed adult companionship or the companionship of other age regressors, but that was only something Jongwoon had dreamt of. It was a secret Jongwoon hadn’t shared with anyone before, so sharing it with Hyukjae, his love, the friend he held most dear, would be a big thing for their relationship.

 

Much to his luck, Hyukjae agreed to become this adult companion— or as they preferred to call it— Jongwoons caregiver.

 

It was not easy to get him to understand, but he had an open mind, asked his questions and silently agreed that he would help Jongwoon through his regression. He would try and ask Jongwoon if he was ‘small’ by whispering in his ear, but it only made Jongwoon worry the secret would get out.

 

Hyukjae listened to Jongwoons concerns and would tell him he ‘understood, I understand’ but would continue being not-so subtle.

 

Jongwoons love, however, wouldn’t waiver for the world. Hyukjae was only trying his best, then. He significantly improved with time. But Jongwoon couldn’t hold himself back from admitting to himself he loved the coded-questions, his hands on his thighs or the fingers running through his hair when nobody was looking. The way Hyukjae had seen Jongwoon had changed.

 

But the question begged: was it for better or for worse?

 

Not even two months into sharing this secret with him, Jongwoon had decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to come clean, but couldn’t find the right time of day… so in all his frustration, he started to slip into the headspace. He cried, he sobbed, seated on the floor alone in a locked bathroom stall. And when Hyukjae approached him, he was gone, unable to speak properly, very small.

 

It was 2 in the morning, recording had just wrapped up and the team was getting ready to leave the company. Jongwoon knew to be careful with who he responded to and his current setting, but this version of himself did not. Luckily for him, it was only Hyukjae who came to him.

 

The other members started to catch on to Hyukjae and Jongwoons strange changes to their relationship, and even made ‘rumours’ amongst themselves in a teasing manner, but Hyukjae never thought there would ever be truth to any of it…

 

‘I think Jongwoon likes you, but like, I’m serious about it.’

 

‘What do you mean you’re ‘serious’? He doesn’t seem any different to me.’

 

‘You are clueless, Hyukjae…’ Kyuhyun trailed. ‘You’re right.’ He shook his head as if to erase what he just said. ‘I’m just joking.’

 

“Jongwoon, what’s wrong?” Hyukjae asked gently. The crying noise stopped to let him finish his sentence, but continued less than a few seconds after he didn’t continue speaking. “Woonie,” he said with endearment. “what’s wrong, baby?” His voice was much more quiet. Jongwoons weeping continued through it, but Hyukjae assumed he heard it.

 

Followed by the realization that Jongwoon’s current headspace might’ve had him too young to speak.

 

He panicked, his stomach became nervous and his eyes were wide. He took a deep breath and left the bathroom as quickly and quietly as he could to ask Leeteuk and the others to leave without them.

 

“Is he in pain?”, “Should we call an ambulance?” they asked. Hyukjae told them Jongwoon was having a hard time getting over something personal and needed to be alone a while longer. Bought by everyone but Leeteuk, Leeteuk decided to tell his driver to give him a couple minutes longer and headed to the bathroom himself.

 

Hyukjae followed behind closely, advising Leeteuk not to speak to him, but Leeteuk persisted. “He’s miserable,” Leeteuk worried. Of course it was him. 

 

Once at the door to the men’s room, Leeteuk told Hyukjae he wanted to talk alone with Jongwoon. The butterflies were beginning to race each other now, but Hyukjae was a good boy— his leaders’ wishes were his command.

 

“Jongwoon, did Hyukjae say something to you? It’s okay to talk to me. It’s Teuk and I want you to know, this team wouldn’t be the same without you… Without you, it would be for the worst…”

 

‘Great.’ Hyukjae thought. ‘He immediately assumes I told him to leave the group.’

 

He continued to listen in. If only Teuk knew how loud he could be when trying to be stern. Like nobody had ever taught him high volume and sternness did not have to be synonymous.

 

Either fortunately or unfortunately, Leeteuk quieted down. Jongwoon also seemed to stop weeping, but he couldn’t hear if he was saying anything or not. Hyukjae began to think about the ways he could say this wasn’t what Leeteuk thought it was, but they’d all seen the scene.

 

They finished recording a love song and Jongwoon started to tear up while the team waited for dismissal. He even sniffled. The group bombarded him with questions out of concern for his health, but rather than answering, he dismissed himself. Hyukjae immediately volunteered to talk to him and went after him without waiting for approval from the others. He told the team to stay there and before the minute ended, he found Jongwoon sitting on the floor against the locked door of a stall in the men’s room. 

 

First of all, he was thankful it was recently cleaned. Second, his poor Woonie. The schedule was busy, time alone was becoming less again. But before he could say anything, there was Leeteuk.

 

‘I’m not here to be an , but is he in pain or did you say something to him? I know you two have been closer lately. It’s far from subtle.’

 

‘He’s still upset, this doesn’t feel very professional.’

 

‘But can you talk to him professionally right now? Hyukjae, I’m serious. I’m your friend, too. You can tell me anything.’

 

‘Of course we’re friends, but it’s not the right time… Please, go home and get some rest.’

 

‘I’m waiting five minutes for you two.’ Hyukjae sighed with relief as Leeteuk left and reentered the restroom. 

 

‘What’s wrong, baby?’…

 

“He’s not crying anymore.” Leeteuk said as he left the room. “But he’s behaving like a child, he’s not saying anything.” Hyukjae’s stomach quickly knotted, which translated to Leeteuk as guilt. “I don’t know how you’re going to get yourself out of this, but please, remove him first.” Leeteuk shut his eyes and breathed audibly. Once open again, he told Hyukjae he wanted to speak to both of them professionally — sooner than later.

 

Hopefully, it was just the sleep talking for him.

 

“Woonie, can you undo the lock?” Hyukjae asked hopefully. The lock clicked and the door creaked open. “Our cars are gone, but these doors will lock soon. I’ll call a taxi and if there’s a bad guy in there, I’ll beat him up, okay?”

 

Silence. 

 

Hyukjae approached the stall. His baby looked up at him with tired eyes. He did look hurt, Hyukjae just couldn’t figure out how. Instead of saying anything anymore, he offered his hand to him to help him off the floor as the phone rang for a taxi. The older accepted his hand and helped himself up with the sides of the stall. It was easy to forget how freakishly tall Jongwoon was in moments like this, but he tried not to let it bother him. Once Hyukjae finished giving the driver their info, he told him the building would close in just a few minutes.

 

Still, silence.

 

The nervousness in Hyukjae’s stomach was still present. He tried to hug his baby, but he didn’t hug back. Guilt flooded in faster than a moving train; he had hurt his baby.

 

Jongwoon was quiet for the ride home, but he still leaned his head against the window. Hyukjae wishes he knew what was going through his mind. Jongwoon grieved his ideal scenario of how he would confess his love.

 

Once inside Jongwoons home, Hyukjae tried to undress him and put him into his pajamas, but Jongwoon had other plans.

 

“Baby,” Hyukjae cooed as he picked pajamas out of the drawer. Jongwoon was sitting on his bed, still completely silent, lost in his own feelings of regret. Hyukjae began to remove Jongwoons shirt. “I’m sorry if I hurt you… What upset you? You need to tell me what you need protections from, okay?” He was babying Jongwoon, “Ugh, why don’t you have any toys I can send to sleep with you, my prince?” but he wouldn’t know until the shirt he was removing hit Jongwoons nose a little too aggressively. Jongwoon took his own hand and put the shirt back down. Hyukjae went in to apologise again, but Jongwoon interrupted him.

 

“Hyuk...Jae.” Jongwoon started. It was normal for him to have trouble finding his voice again after ‘returning’, but Hyukjae took it to say he was still regressed for the reason the night was dark.

 

“What’s wrong, Woonie?”

 

“I—It’s not now.” Jongwoon said quickly. His voice was quiet, he averted his gaze from Hyukjae’s face and into the ground. “I have something important to tell you.”

 

“…Sorry…” He repeated for the millionth time. He understood who he was speaking to now and dropped the babying. “Go for it.”

 

“Don’t you think it’s wrong for two members of the same group to be together? Like, romantically?” He looked back at Hyukjae. “It was a factor I hadn’t considered until Leeteuk confronted me today.” He said honestly. “Now, Teuk never said that specifically, but the way he put it, it made me feel so selfish. And I know it wasn’t his intent, he seemed very okay with the idea of us being a thing and, you know… I was crying in a bathroom stall like a heartbroken teenager. So—So late at night and...” Jongwoon paused, growing upset all over again. Hyukjae was now seated next to him, he put his hand on his thigh to remind Jongwoon he was listening, but Jongwoon didn’t continue.

 

Hyukjae didn’t want to say anything stupid, but he hadn’t given himself many options. “Who do you like…?” He asked quietly. Hyukjae cared for Jongwoon through his age-regression escapades, he helped him drink by holding cups to his mouth and sheltering his chin, cut fruits into slices for him, tied his shoes, combed his hair, kissed his forehead and called him his baby… Of course, there were times he did imagine he and Jongwoon as a couple, he even liked him for a long time and possibly still did, but he thought it would be weird to admit to now.

 

“You didn’t answer my question, though.” He said.

 

Nervous, Hyukjae pulled at the neck of his own shirt. “Well, a little bit…” He wanted to continue and say ‘no, a lot’ but he couldn’t bring himself to. Even if he could, it didn’t matter.

 

Jongwoon didn’t follow up his answer with any words other than a quiet “You can go home now,”

 

However, Hyukjae wasn’t about to let him slip away so easily. He had a confession of his own to talk about. His own dumb crush on . “Before I went to the military, the atmosphere was full of love and I… Felt it, especially… But, for me, it was actual feelings for another member of our team.” He had Jongwoons full attention now. He carried on. “And in the military, I thought of ways I could make myself better so maybe he could like me, too. But, I thought about it too much. I thought for the sake of the team, I let it go. I focused on my military duties and let it go. Worked for so long.”

 

“What are you talking about—You never needed to get ‘better’—”

 

“I thought I wasn’t good enough for him… Then I realised that if we were to ever fight as a couple, it could damage the team internally. I can’t control the weather, you can’t, either… Teuk can’t, either.”

 

“So, what you’re saying is, you like me.”

 

“Well—”

 

“‘Well’, what? I like you, too. That was the whole point of this conversation; that’s what this is about.”

 

“You trust me so much because you’re in love with me…”

 

“Yes!” Jongwoon exclaimed. His eyes were wide and he was holding back a smile of delight, Hyukjae also felt it in his face, but he didn’t want to confirm or deny Jongwoons words.

 

“Then, what was everything else about?” He asked expectantly.

 

“I decided to share my secrets with you for selfish reasons. I enjoyed being around you so much I wanted it all the time. But also, it’s kind of your fault anyway,” Jongwoon hadn’t been able to regress for a long time, not since he was around 23 because he found a way to punish himself ‘away’ from it. The week Hyukjae came back from the military, he planned to tell Hyukjae about his feelings, but he always shied out until he ended up crying about it; until he regressed yet again. After explaining it all to him, Hyukjae felt he couldn’t win today. Maybe once, but not again.

 

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve said something.” He paused. “If I wouldn’t be so oblivious, I could’ve been a better friend.”

 

“No, you’re wrong again.” Jongwoon smiled. “I’m the older one, it was my responsibility to be the bigger person and tell you flat-out.”

 

“Right,” Hyukjae chuckled. “I don’t know why, but sometimes I forget.” Jongwoon cutely squinted at him. “So, Jongwoon,” he asked. “what are we?”

 

“You never told me your feelings.”

 

Right.

 

Hyukjae decided to sleep on it. He couldn’t let himself answer so early in the morning, those hours did crazy things to peoples’ minds and he wanted to be sure. He dreamt of his Woonie, cuddling up to him on his couch, feeding him berries, watching a movie and asking little forgettable questions. But the way the dream ended was anything but soft. It ended with a sudden and a dramatic shift in scenery, Woonie was no more, but there was he and Jongwoon. Both of them shirtless with Jongwoon framing Hyukjae’s face between the palms of his hands, close to him, noses barely touching, like they were about to kiss… That was where the dream ended.

 

Upon waking up, Hyukjae stupidly decided to text Jongwoon and say he had a girlfriend.

 

Jongwoon called back after 10 minutes.

 

He sounded frustrated, annoyed… He only said he’d come by Hyukjae’s house before schedule, though. They had to make one appearance together that night.

 

Hyukjae immediately regretted what he did after he did it. Everything just felt so weird to him, but he wanted to apologise the best he could. For all he knew, he could’ve just broken Jongwoons trust. That would complicate things further and for the worst.

 

While regressed, Jongwoon was also aware of the climate of his relationships. Nothing disappeared or changed from the eyes of one to the eyes of another. Hyukjae also knew he was more than just ‘wrong’ for sending that message, he knew Jongwoon didn’t regress easily, he knew it was less than often cute or playful.

 

He knew it was his fault, even if Jongwoon said that jokingly.

 

Hyukjae was certain of his feelings; he really liked Jongwoon back. But he was scared, he wasn’t prepared to do things that could make his superior that upset.

 

It wasn’t that Hyukjae was any notorious bad boyfriend, but the intimacy of their relationship was so strong it has the potential to be just as fragile.

 

The reason Hyukjae fell for Jongwoon the first time was because he confided in him often. Jongwoon had always been there for him when he felt others might judge, he always listened and comforted. The thing that made their time together different than with the others was that Jongwoon seemed to get what he was saying whenever he offered his hand. Others would try too hard to find something to say, which was well appreciated, but Jongwoon never spoke unless he meant it.

 

‘Hyukjae, you know I appreciate you and all your efforts’, ‘I’ve felt exactly like this before, too’, 

 

‘Here.’ Jongwoon offered a hug to his friend. Hyukjae accepted. ‘There will never come a time you don’t belong here. If it ever does, I’ll still be here for you. I hope you’d know that.’

 

Having Jongwoon return to him with the same energy — trust — after all that time of things feeling one-sided would naturally freak him out. A secret of such capacity, something he clearly hated himself for was leaving Hyukjae with the feeling that maybe there was little left to learn, and perhaps if he would let himself take the next step, his senseless craving would be fulfilled. No more dancing around…

 

One hour before their schedule started, Jongwoon arrived.

 

Hyukjae had no idea what they were supposed to do with all that time, but he decided not to speak much in the beginning.

 

Jongwoon never mentioned the text message, but he did say sorry.

 

He admitted he was pushy.

 

Immature.

 

Mean.

 

And that he understood if Hyukjae didn’t wish to pursue a further relationship with him. He again admitted he had selfish intentions.

 

This was where Hyukjae interjected. “I was selfish, too.”  He stated. “I used it to stay close to you because that was what I wanted. When you told me it made you worry I didn’t know what to do because I was still so new, I was having trouble understanding what you meant… But that was no excuse!” He exclaimed. “I should be the one apologsising. I don’t think you had any crime other than trusting me with you at your most vulnerable.”

 

“Like how you trust me…”

 

“Yeah,” Hyukjae admitted. “Like how I trust you.” He inhaled and exhaled through his nose before opening his mouth to say something, but Jongwoon unintentionally interrupted him. He quickly apologised and asked Hyukjae what he wanted to say, but Hyukjae insisted he go first.

 

“I didn’t regress because of you every time.” Jongwoon said. “I just thought you should know that because I’m sorry about that, too.”

 

“Apology accepted.”

 

“Now, what were you going to say?”

 

“I was going to tell you that I…” Hyukjae didn’t like his current position. Although standing in front of Jongwoon, he wanted something different, this didn’t feel ‘right’ enough for him. Unsure how to make himself more comfortable, he took Jongwoons small hands into his own. Jongwoons face heated up, but he wasn’t sure what was about to happen. Hyukjae’s big, adorable eyes looked up and locked with Jongwoon’s dark and fierce ones, but they both knew they couldn’t take this seriously a second longer, so he quickly and quietly told him, “I love you.” The taller one cracked a smile, laughed for a moment, causing Hyukjae to smile as well.

 

Jongwoon adjusted himself so he could meet with Hyukjae’s eye level, put his hands on the sides of Hyukjae’s face so that he was able to feel his peach fuzz whilst cupping his chin the best he was able. He leaned in until their noses were barely touching. “I know,” he whispered. “Me too.”