Breaking up.

I never liked it, I think we all don’t want to go through with it.

And yet, I am in this predicament.

Facing each other, at the cafe where we first met.

Other than the initial greetings and coffee orders, silence enveloped both of us. Neither one of us dared to talk. 

I don’t blame her, I know how hard this was to me as it is to her.

My eyes drifted, from the counter, the people walking in and out of the cafe, to the wooden table.

It was hard to look at her. I would crumble.

I don’t know what/when/how it actually started, us, drifting apart.

Sipping my latte, I let the silence drown me, lost in my own dark thoughts.

Who’s fault was all of this? Was it mine? Hers? Or no one? Is that even possible?

Was it when she got promoted? And became too busy? It was very important to her. Her hard work was starting to pay off. It was really hard on us, at first, but we were able to compromise and adjust our time together.

Was it when she saw me talking to my ex, Aeri? We did have a fight about it. I didn’t expect her to be very jealous. She wasn’t like that before. After all, it was our high school reunion, and we were just having a good time. It took a while, but I was able to calm her down and make her understand that there’s nothing to worry about.

Or was it when--

“Jimin-ah.”

Softly, she whispered my name. I missed that.

I looked up at her. And there she was, Kim Minjeong, the love of my life. “Yes?”

“It’s good to see you.”

“You too. You look good.”

“Thanks.”

There was an awkward silence.

We stared at each other, long enough before I looked down. I drank a bit of my latte again, trying to ease whatever emotion I was feeling. As much as I know the direction of our conversation, the coward in me doesn't want to face it yet. 

It was getting harder to breathe.

I cleared my throat, “It’s been a while since we visited this place.”

We looked around the place.

The wooden tables were still the same, but the chairs were a lot comfortable now. New paintings were displayed on the walls and the place was a lot more spacious now, even though there’s a lot of people in the cafe.

“Yeah, this place has become quite famous for their drinks, especially when they incorporated the milk teas.”

“Understandable. Teens these days can’t seem to live without consuming boba.” 

She chuckled at my comment. It was light. 

Our conversation continued. It was comforting, the familiarity.

I missed this.

The awkwardness was starting to disappear.

Until it stopped.

She looked at me. Her small smile then changed to an expression I can’t decipher.

Even after many years of knowing her, there are still some things I don’t know about her. In these moments I cursed myself. 

Did I not make more effort?

Maybe, this is the reason why.

“Jimin-ah.”

Minjeong starts off again, this time, with sadness. She’s clearly holding back. 

The words that would break us all apart.

“I know.” I looked down.

I tried to gather my thoughts, my courage, my strength. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

Minjeong let go of her drink and reached out to touch my hands like she always does. Her thumbs caressing my hands. It was calming and encouraging.

“What happened to us?”, I asked.

She closed her eyes and sighed.

The air around us was heavy.

“I will not force you to stay,” I continued, fully holding her hands. This made her look up to me, “but I...I want..at least to know what happened. Between us.”

I was trying. Trying to be strong, for both of us.

Because maybe, just maybe, I could still fix this.

“It’s..”, Minjeong’s voice trembled. She closed her eyes, maybe trying to hold her emotions, her tears.

Then she looked straight into my eyes, “It’s not working anymore.”

Ahh, I knew this was coming, but it's still painful.

I stayed silent, encouraging her to continue.

“These past few years were amazing, Jagiya. I felt loved, protected, cared for. You are the best lover anyone could ask for.” She smiled lovingly. 

“You are too, you know,” I said. “You are the best girlfriend I could ask for.”

Minjeong shakes her head.

“When we first met in high school, I did a lot of bad things to you. And yet, you still gave me a chance.” She paused like she’s thinking the right words to say to me.”You're too kind, Jimin-ah, even for your own good. You always put others first over your own. My own interests over your own. It was...hard.”

I was confused. “What do you mean?”

Minjeong looked again straight into my eyes, “Loving you was easy, Jagiya, but being with you is hard.”

I was shocked. She loves me, but I’m hard to be with? So this is my fault? 

The breakup is my fault.

“I know you are not doing this on purpose to hurt me, it’s more my own insecurities. It was just..” She paused again.

I tried to speak out, maybe explain, maybe express that I will change. For her. For our relationship.

But no voice was coming out of my mouth.

“Jimin-ah,” she caught my attention again, “being with you made me feel I was not enough.”

Huh. 

“But you are enough. Enough for me.” I interjected.

“Maybe to you, but not to me.” She holds my hands tighter. “You are a good person. So pure. Always seeing the bright side in this dark world. You are also smart, easy to talk to, loved, and respected by people.” I can now feel my tears flowing from my eyes.

“I’m not perfect you know.”

“I know, Jagiya. I know. That’s why I tried. Every day, I tried. To be enough, to be worthy of someone like you. But like I said, my insecurities got the best of me.” she smiled bitterly.

“It was becoming painful, staying in this relationship. I loved you so much, but I was also starting to hate you. And I hate myself for feeling this way.”

This is the first time I heard about any of this? I didn’t know she was feeling this way all this time.

“That’s why I distance myself a bit from you. Maybe, if I give myself some Me time, everything would go back to what we were before. I would eventually go back to you.” Tears fall from her eyes.

“But you didn’t,” I muttered. ”You didn’t come back to me.” 

“I tried, Jimin. I tried bringing..reviving, but”

“You’re not in love with me anymore”, I cut her off. 

Minjeong looked down, slowly retreating her hands from mine. “I’m sorry.”

The pain was unbearable. She was still in my heart, but I’m not in hers anymore.

“It’s okay.” my voice cracked, “I understand.”

I shut my eyes, trying to stop my tears from falling.

The breakup is inevitable. I couldn’t fix it.

I wiped my tears and looked at her, “This is the end, huh.”

“I’m still here for you, you know. We may not be together anymore but I still care. I want you to know that.”

I nodded. “I know.”

Minutes passed, letting reality sink in. 

This really was the end.

“Thank you for everything.” She said sincerely. “I was happy. We were happy, Jimin-ah. These past years, knowing you, being with you, were one of the best years of my life. Please don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.” I smiled sadly.

Minjeong stood up from her side and walked up to my side. She sat beside me and hugged me. I reciprocated, tightly, knowing it will be the last time.

She pulled away and kissed my cheek, “I’m sorry, Jimin-ah. Goodbye.”

She left.

I’m now alone.

I’m not really a fan of big crowds, not a fan of attention. The cafe was getting packed all of the sudden, but I couldn’t worry about any of that.

I cried.

I let everything all out.

Then, emptiness.