You’re just kind. Something everyone can be. You’re not pretty enough--for her, not outstanding--not for her. You know you have a bad fashion taste, and you don’t have that grace that people would adore. You also don’t have a good sense of humor that most people would like. You’re just kind, that’s what you’re sure of. And that’s not a big word to answer the question,

Are you worth dating?

It’s a funny game from your officemates. It started on an article they’ve read, and how everyone started to ponder upon it, joking about their answers and bickering one another before the lunch ended.

“Hey, at least I’m taller than you.”

“But I have bigger s. I’m pretty sure men would like that.”

“How about you, Nayeon?”

You try to act indifferent and join the humble bragging game. “I don’t know. I’ll go ask my partner tonight why she keeps on dating me.”
They all laugh. And you do, too. Because clearly, you don’t know why Mina’s still dating you.



***

 

You're patient. A little more than the rest. But everyone would probably be. Especially if it's because of her. Mina’s just...so beautiful, and falling inlove with her makes it easy despite her poisonous words. Everyone would be, because they know how worth it is to be with her.

Who wouldn't, right?

That's why when you see her looking at the same pictures of Japan--the place where her past and she used to visit often, you just smile at her and pretend you know nothing.
 

Sometimes you would ask her about the pictures, but most of the times you'd just go straight to your room and wait. You'll do it slowly, taking your time to talk to yourself and put yourself together. You knew she love her so much. The first time you saw her looking at it, you thought it was a surprise for you, thought she has finally made the courage to make something and ask you to travel there. But being the straight-forward Mina is, she explained it nonchalantly.

"I had a lover before, and we used to visit here. I miss the place."

But your heart can also take so much, so you tried to throw those pictures before. You were holding it, envious of everything they shared and she caught you, red-handed, in front of the kitchen's trashbin.

She was carrying some takeout food for both of you.
She calmly put it on the table, not even worrying about what you're holding.

"Why don't you burn it to be sure? I did it before too, but I have a soft copy of it on my laptop. I can just stare at it, but having a printed copy looks prettier."

You remember the shame you felt, and you didn't know what to do, so you just stared at it and think of the memories Mina could have had with her. You try to swallow your ego and place it back to the table.

"Silly of me." You put your hands on your nape and close your eyes before faking a smile. It was silly. To think that throwing those pictures away will make her forget about the memories too.

You caught her looking at the same pictures again in your living room tonight. As usual, she's earlier than you and you're used to seeing her entering your apartment without your permission. She told you you're very easy to read, that's why she didn't have a hard time looking for the keys in your apartment--which is just below the welcome carpet. She's seated again at the living room, same spot, staring at the same set of pictures.

And it crossed a lot in your mind--to take a picture of her in that moment. On how she looks so calm and so full of emotions at the same time. It's like she's here, in your home, but she's also in another place. And you can't do anything about it but to wait for her to return.

***



You always sit at the backseat. And you assume it has something to do with her and her past. You remember how excited you were when she finally said yes to your hundredth request of a date.

And you, eagerly, opened the door and sat beside her. You felt your face numbing from how wide your smile was, because it's your first date. And she even made an effort of waiting in your apartment.

You're actually inside her car, and you're unsure if you smile too brightly at her because she didn't seem comfortable having you around. You didn't dare to ask, but you wanted to, is it because you're too obvious? Or was it because she's regretting saying yes to you?
She twisted the keys and started the engine for a few seconds. And you could feel how annoyed she was about something. You look at her through the mirror, and you're sure, by the look in her face, that she's about to throw something at you.

Your smile faded quick upon realizing it, and you had the urge to say sorry at her, even if you didn't know what you did.

"Nayeon, I'm sorry. Could you… Could you move to the back seat? I'm not comfortable having someone beside me in my car."

"Oh." It made your heart ache a little, but you smile at her and immediately move out of the car.

At least she didn't hiss at you for something. You sigh loudly, before opening the door at the backseat and smiling at her when she gaze back at you.

"Don't forget your seatbelt."

Tonight is no different from the others. You sit at the back and she makes sure you have your seatbelt on before she starts the engine.

"Do have any plans for tonight?" Mina asks.

You nervously shake your head, because she was the one who asked you on a date this time. And you're too busy with work and too pressured on the thoughts that are lingering in your head.

"Would you like to watch a movie?" You try to ask her--even if you already know the answer. She doesn't like the dark, and she never fancied watching in a theater house. You wanted to know the reason why, but you partially know that it will have a connection again with her past. She looks at you through the mirror. And you wonder why she's taking some time to answer your question. You closely watch her eyebrows meeting, how she quirk up her lips and looks before she nods.
 

"Okay. But let's just do it in your apartment. I don't like going to the movie house."

***



You respect her so much.

No matter how hard it is tonight.

Her eager fingers move through your shirt, shaky, impatient, rushed...too rushed. And you try to fight a moan from your lips, hide it in the darkness as you close your eyes tightly and try not to get lost on her scent engulfing you.

She's taking you over. Movie completely forgotten and popcorn ignored as she pushed you in for a rough kiss. The way you feel how her lips stick to yours, how her hands touch every skin of yours makes you wonder. She has never kissed you like this. Hell, for the past 6 months, you only managed to give her two; one in the cheeks to congratulate her on her promotion, and the other one on her lips.

But it was careful, too afraid that you can't even remember how it feels like, so much it feels more of an accident, more of a mistake.
You feel her trembling lips move to your neck, her hot breath tickling your senses. You know what she'll do next. And before she starts to make a hickey on you, you try to push her away, create a reasonable distance and sigh loudly.

"Mina..."

"You don't like it?"

"N-no. I don't mean, it's just..."

Mina exhales loudly, her frustration clearly showing by the way her hands move to her hair. Her eyes revert back on the screen. You can see how she's trying to calm herself.

"It's weird. Don't you think?" You ask her.

"This?" She puts her hand on her forehead. "We're dating. Seriously, Nayeon? Christ, we're dating for 6 months. And this is weird for you?"

"I'm...just making sure."

"Sure about what?"

"I want to kiss you for a reason."

"I just want to kiss you. Isn't that enough?"

"Why?"

"What the hell is that question?" Mina is still not facing you and you turn your head to watch on the tv as well. The protagonist has finally made his partner say yes.
You watch as the two of them kiss in the rain together with a sappy music playing in the background.

"Why did you say yes to me?"

"Because I want to."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

You bitterly smile while you continue to watch the movie. Both of the characters exchange their sweet confessions of love. This is your favorite movie, but right now, you just want punch the two of them for throwing greasy, corny lines. And how you wish the two of you would be just like them.

***
 

It's been stuck in your head for weeks already. Everybody in the office had already moved on, but you're still there, trying to figure out if you are really worth dating Mina or basically, worthy of dating anyone. Of course, Mina wants to date you because she just wants to.

That's it. It's a pity, you thought there was something in you. You thought it was because you have something more than the boring qualities you know yourself. But she's always been clear and straight forward. And sometimes, it hurts because it's not what you're hoping for.

But you still care about it, hope for her to finally say something. You want to know if you have some effect to her. If she thinks about you at night before she sleeps. Or if you're the reason she can't sleep. You want to know if she gets excited whenever you send a text to her. You want to know if this will continue, if you have a chance to hear her say those three words for you.

But now, you kinda know what will happen, you're actually preparing for everything to fall into the right places. Maybe Mina dated you because, you're just there. Because she doesn't have any one who's willing to. Or maybe she gave you a chance because you're persistent, or hard-headed--you're not sure anymore.
But, you're kinda sure, that one of th