Years in one girl group. Years spent at work which made us all happy. 

 

Years when people loved us as group of nine girls under SM Entertainment.

 

How we all were chosen to be in one group, how people recognised us, how we got famous on world scale.

 

The times how we went on world tours and interacted with fans. Shared memories with them and made memories between us as members.

 

Years which passed, when there were only us. Years how we started to feel and treat each other like a family because we were everything we had.

 

The times when we made and friends. 

 

Love.

 

And the times when we received a lot of hate.

 

But we didn’t care. It was our job. We had each other and families on our sides. The hate didn’t matter. That was the cost of fame and we were ready to take the shoots.

 

Being leader is not easy. Even if I struggled a lot, I still loved my job. That was something I’ve always wanted to do. The times when group received hate or success were always on me. I was responsible for taking the reactions.

 

I was never the type who shared with own thoughts, I rarely told girls how I felt. They shouldn’t be worried if I had bad day. As leader it was my responsibility to take care about others. 

 

Everything was wonderful. I’ve reached my dream about becoming an idol. 

 

We made a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes let us be who we are. A group who meant that much to fans, to other younger groups.

 

Some of people still say “girls’ generation are legends. Icons.”.

 

I never liked that, I was afraid that it could affect on my feeling of pride. I didn’t want to become selfish. My self love is still the same.

 

I am just Kim Taeyeon. I was in girl group called Girls’ Generation and we succeeded. I’ve reached my dream and I was happy.

 

I’ve became an idol and found out what love does mean.

 

But everything passes. Time flies, so does happiness. 

 

There always is one last time.

 

And here I am. In my office, trying to finish lyrics to another song in my solo career. This time it’s about being happy. 

 

When I think about happiness my head is lost in memories from one day. The day when me and my group had our last time.

 

 

 

 

Back in July 2017.

 

 

The CEO called us to the office. Every time when he called us, we walked there all nervous. But this time none of us felt anything like that. We all knew why is that meeting for.

 

Our contracts expired a while ago and it was obvious what will happen next.

 

As leader it was up to me to come in as first, so I knocked the door and waited for permission to get in. I glanced at my group from behind my arm.

 

It was only eight of us, Jessica left group three years ago. She needed to take care over business company, our group received a lot of hate because of that. Of course the whole blame went on me since I am leader.

 

But it’s okay. Only we know what really happened here in SM and it was enough.

 

Girls were standing all relaxed, but with heads dropped. They were tired. Tiffany was looking straight into my eyes.

 

With weak, small smile sent to her and only. I pushed the door and walked in and with small nod greeted with our CEO. He was sitting all comfortable in his brown chair behind huge desk.  His office was absolutely clean. Not even single dust on his shelves or floor.

 

“Hello. You can sit if you want to, I won’t take much of your time.” He pointed on sofa and couple others brown chairs. 

 

Our maknae line and Tiffany decided to take a seat and waited for CEO to continue. I stayed next to them. My muscles were all in pain after our practice, I didn’t want to sit down.

 

“As we all know, usually groups disband after ten years, that’s a maximum of time.” He moved closer to desk and with one hand opened one of shelves looking for papers. “It’s like this mostly because fans grow up, change the music they like. Leave the past behind. Only few of them stay and are loyal.”

 

He left few papers on desk in front of us. It was directed into our side, so I could easily read the title. New Contract to sign.

 

“You’ve succeeded, your group is the most famous in the world. After hearing the word k-pop people think about you.” He took out pen from his pocket. “Your extended contracts were saying that you are free to leave in August after your last comeback. And your job here as one girl group is done.”

 

Silence filled room. No one was moving, no one dared to speak. Even no one moved.

 

CEO nodded his head to me and suggested to take the papers. So I moved closer and took the contracts and gave each one copy to each member. Some of them started to read it.

 

Kim Taeyeon, member of girls’ generation decided to stay under SM Entertainment company. The activity of the group is no longer a part of her job. Now her responsibility is to focus solo career. 

 

The company has to guarantee at least two comebacks at year.

 

The group is not having any disbandment, so member Taeyeon is permitted to talk about her job as member of girl group as much as she wants to.

 

I saw only couple sentences on this page and it was enough. I got a chance to go solo with at least two comebacks. That meant that I can start writing own song lyrics, make own music as I wish it to look or sound like.

 

After looking up from my papers I saw how faces of girls has changed. Tiffany didn’t even glance at own file. She was looking blankly into space. Yoona studied own file with focus, Hyoyeon narrowed her eyebrows. Sunny looked like as she already saw the file before and only waited to have it in own hand.

 

“It’s your free will if you sign the contract. Each contract is different, we personalised it directly up to each one of you. The conditions can be discussed and changed if you want to correct something.” CEO said and gave me a pen.

 

I held the pen, it was feeling much heavier than it was supposed to. 

 

Am I ready to move on and make solo career?

 

I could feel all eyes on my body, everyone was watching my decision.

 

I signed it.

 

After leaving my signature on back of file I gave pen to next person. Hyoyeon signed it too. So did Yoona, she passed the pen to Sooyoung. Sooyoung didn’t even hold the pen longer than couple seconds, she gave it right to another member without using it.

 

Sooyoung is leaving.

 

She told us amount times how she wants to become an actress and how SM can’t guarantee it to her.

 

Sunny left signature too. After her was Yuri, she signed the file and passed pen to Seolhyun. The younger of us hesitated a while.

 

She didn’t sign it. 

 

After leaving file untouched she put pen with own file on CEO’s desk. Tiffany didn’t even look at any of us. She made own decision long before coming here and apparently Seolhyun was the only one who knew.

 

Tiffany didn’t tell me that she’s leaving.

 

It hurt, but it was okay.

 

“I’m just curious, what are your plans about the future?” CEO asked the three of them who left empty files in the corner of his desk next to the signed ones.

 

“Becoming actress.” Seolhyun answered and Sooyoung nodded to her as signal of making same decision.

 

CEO only nodded and thanked them for coming. They could leave his office.

 

After leaving the door behind some of them went to cafeteria since they had small break for rest between practices, some of them went back to their practice room.

 

But I stayed in hall and waited for Tiffany to come. She walked closer with sad eyes look and without smile. She still managed to look stunning.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.” She heard her friend’s low voice.

 

Friend. Such a weird word for them both.

 

“Don’t be. It’s your choice and decision. What will you do?” I wasn’t mad. I understood her. It’s been years spent together. It was time to leave.

 

“We still have one month of promotions. After it ends I wanted to leave Korea for a while and do something abroad or something.” She started to walk slowly to the balcony placed on the end of the hall. “I will visit my family and friends in United States, maybe try to do something new.”

 

It was whole Tiffany. She looked for more, but still caring about own family. They haven’t met in years. 

 

My heart ached, but still I couldn’t held back my smile crawling on my lips.

 

“What will happen to us?” 

 

Tiffany opened the glass door and went outside, the wind blew her hair. I could smell her vanilla scent. In this view she looked even prettier.

 

“You’re staying here. Red Velvet members are adoring you, so I guess you will tutor them on this path of fame. I saw you talking about music. You love them and you love doing what you’re doing.” She said and put her hands on balcony’s fence. 

 

She didn’t lie. I’ve been friends with Bae Joohyun since she became trainee in our company, her other members are cute and it was impossible to not love them. They used to ask me about advices and that’s how I became someone like teacher for them. Maybe role model.

 

But that wasn’t an answer to my question.

 

“I’m leaving. We will be in two different sides of world.” Tiffany turned around and faced me. “We were never meant to be together, we both are idols. As long as we have world looking at us we can’t show up in public together. Not in way we want to.”

 

She walked closer and took my hand in own. Her eyes watched our fingers interview.

 

“I know it’s hard to leave us behind.” Her voice cracked, but tears didn’t leave her eyes. She was still strong.

 

I put my other hand on her cheek and moved closer. Our foreheads touched. No words were spoken. Just silence between our lips.

 

“I guess it’s our break up even if we weren’t officially together.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying this. 

 

Tiffany’s eyes closed and she leaned in. Her lips touched mine. She kissed me softly and gently. I unlocked our hands just to hold her closer, closing the last free space between us.

 

The kiss deepened. I could feel all sadness, upcoming feeling of being missed. Loneliness and the left love behind.

 

“We will just go and promote our last comeback.” Tiffany said quietly after separating of lips caused by being out of breath. “Promise me something Taeyeon. Try to move on after I leave, don’t wait for me.”

 

Her finger cared my skin. She could do this forever. I didn’t want to let her go. I wished to stop the time just to enjoy the moment of how close our bodies were.

 

“Stephanie Young, you are a fool if you think that I can stop loving you.” Silence laugh left my lips. It was like laughing through tears. Through pain. “I will always remember the days when we were in love and the nights we spent together. This is something I won’t ever let go.”

 

We all chose our paths, made our decisions. After years we are finally starting new chapter in our lives. It’s time to close the door of our past and leave it behind. I will never forget how everything has changed in my life after getting know eight girls. I will never forget how I got closer to Tiffany.

 

“But you have to let me go Tae.” She slowly moved away making space between us.

 

One month. It’s the time left to spend with group, with people who became my sisters. With Tiffany who was my lover, maybe girlfriend. I don’t know, we never talked about this. It was last time for us.

 

Last time of being in girl group, even if we won’t have an official disbandment. Last time with my friends. Last time with Tiffany.

 

Last time to have possibility of pretending like time has stopped and let it be just the both of us. Someone being in love and secretly going out on dates. Last time to spend the nights next to her side in one bed. Last time to leave kisses on her lips, to hold her hands.

 

Maybe we will meet again someday, maybe we will talk once again. Maybe we will keep in touch and maybe we will have another chance to be together. Maybe in time when we both won’t be idols anymore.

 

It’s our last time to be just us, the vocalists Kim Taeyeon and Stephanie Young.

 

“I will. I’m just trying to engrave the last image of you.”