Jiwoo’s POV:

Is this love?

You always bring me so much joy. Seeing you smile already makes my day better. Those simple things, asking me if I’m alright, it does make me feel happy. I think this is love.

The sweet things you do to me, those hugs and kisses. I feel safe with you. You shield me from danger. Our laughs, they probably are noisy to the neighbors, but they’re music to my ears. I’d love to listen to them everyday.

I love you so much. You’re really lovely, so gentle and kind to me.

Do you love me back?

You often looked tired when you arrived home each day. I suppose your work is too hectic, yet you still manage to smile back at me. I frequently make sure to cook you good meals when you come home, just to relieve your stress even for a tiny bit. I want to help you. You seem to love it a lot since the bowl’s always finished!

 

I wonder why you always looked like a mess when you arrive though.

I slowly realized that you weren’t tired when you came home.

You were only a little tipsy, but it got worse, you were completely drunk.

Each day,

Everyday,

Every time.

If the alcohol does relieve your stress, I guess I should allow it. It seems to make you feel better anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

You were drunk again and this time, brought a girl home.

I don’t know who she is, but why was she so shocked to see me? I tried to say hi but she stopped assisting you to get in the house and ran away.

I inched closer so I could help you walk better.

Your clothes were messy. There was lipstick smeared all over your skin, and a scent that I couldn’t recognize.

It looks like wine wasn’t the only thing that relieves your stress. I’m here though, why didn’t you call me?

And I’m your girlfriend. We live in the same home. That’s funny.

I didn’t get mad at you, it’s okay. You’re still the same affectionate person, that’s why.

Sleeping in your arms, I still feel so safe with you. You’re still perfect to me. How could I leave you? You’re still so sweet, lovely, and tenderhearted. You still love my presence, and the same goes from me to you.

I think you do love me back. I love you too.

 

We were lying on the bed, and you broke the silence surrounding us.

“Jiwoo?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I’m sure you know everything I do. Aren’t you sad, or at least angry...at me?”

“I’m not, Soo. I do know it all, and it’s okay.”

but is it really?

“Babe, I’m just hurting you, you should really go away from me.”

“I want to stay with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, don’t worry, love.”

“But Jiwoo-”

“Please, let me.”

“...alright.”

You really think that I’m strong enough to leave you, Sooyoung. How can I do that when you’re right here, asking while holding me so close in your arms?

 

 

You suddenly changed after that. You weren’t drunk anymore. No more foreign scents. Every time you came home from work, you always hugged and greeted me first. Thank you, Sooyoung.

But as each day passed by, you were slowly going back to how you were back then.  Once again, you were drunk, and it was the second time you brought a girl home. You’re silly, my love.

At least you tried, and that’s great. It does hurt me a lot, but I love you so much. I can’t imagine myself resenting you. Although you did things that were considered wrong to do while in a relationship, it didn’t bother me, because I knew you still cherished me so much. I believe you do, your actions toward me show it all.

As long as you love me back, I’ll be okay.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, I decided to visit my best friend’s home with her own precious lover, Jungeun and Jinsol’s place. They’re like us as well, extremely happy and unselfish. They have such an intense amount of affection for one another and it makes me giggle, they look adorable. I didn’t go there myself. In fact, they invited me all of a sudden. It’s uncanny, but I still went anyway. They’re my closest friends, it would be rude to turn them down.

“Hey, Jiwoo?” Jungeun softly taps my shoulder, looking worried.

“Yeah?”

“How are things going on with you and Sooyoung?”

“Oh, we’re great.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“We really are fine, why ask out of the blue?”

“Jiwoo, you don’t know?”

“Know what? Please tell me?”

“W-we saw her with other women, numerous times, a di-different one each day…”

 

Oh...

I assumed it was only one, I never expected that there were more.

“I-I know"  I lied.

“You know? Then why are you still with her? You’re supposed to leave!”

“Why would I do that?”

“Jiwoo..? I know you love her deeply but you can’t just allow that to happen!”

So this is why they called me. They aren’t gonna be able to change my mind though, I’m sorry. I should just leave them instead.

 

I was already outside their door, about to walk away, but they wouldn’t let me go.

“Woo, please leave Sooyoung. She’s hurting you.” The other person with us finally spoke up.

Jinsol.

I almost stopped in my tracks when I heard her speak, but I urged myself to keep moving.

“I can’t Jinsol. I really can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Jiwoo are you even listening to yourself? You aren’t like this! You know what’s right to do! I can’t just stay here and let you hurt yourself badly!” Jungeun tries to reach out to me.

“Even if I left her, I have nowhere to go!” The tears did fall from my eyes, and they’re right. I’m hurting a lot.

“I’m here, Jinsol’s here. We can take care of you, please Jiwoo, please.”

“I don’t want to cause you guys trouble!” Especially you, Jinsol. We may still be best friends, but I’m deeply remorseful after what I did to you. I know you’re aware of it.

“Woo! I know what you’re thinking, but I don’t mind if you’re with us. I’m willing to let you go here whenever you want! You can even live here, just as long as Sooyoung doesn’t get near you, so please, stay.”

“Jinsol, it’s not gonna work.”

 

I couldn’t hold it in anymore, why can’t they just let me be?

I run away, but they’re still chasing after me.

Just leave me alone.

 

“Jiwoo!” Jungeun shouts, calling my attention.

“I said I can’t! I can’t leave Sooyoung! Please, just let me be.”

“You can’t, but you want to, right?!”

“I-I can’t, and I don’t want to! I love her, and even if she brings a girl home, it won’t change anything. She still loves me as much as I do!”

“She really destroyed you, Jiwoo. Look at yourself! You’re allowing everything even if it would break you! Stay here, I’m begging you. Jinsol and I can take care of you and get you back to normal.” Her tears, it may have convinced me. I guess I should leave Sooyoung.

Jinsol speaks again, “Woo, stay with us. We’re not gonna let you suffer there and get fooled.”

“…” Do they really care that much? Why am I even doubting them? They’re my best friends. I should allow them if I really desire happiness. 

“Alright, but I need to get my things there first.”

“We can do that for you, you don’t need to see Sooyoung again.” Jungeun holds my hand, trying to convince me once again.

“Jungeun I know you’re worried but please, let me talk to her by myself. I need to at least confront her, you know.”

“Then I’m going with yo-”

“No, don’t. Just wait there, I’ll be okay.”

“Jiwoo!”

“Jungeun! Let me do this before I change my mind.”

“Fine…” she sighs, slowly slouching in defeat.

Jinsol holds her hand. I wish Sooyoung did that more often to me as well, than just embracing and kissing me all the time.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Opening the apartment door, I see you sitting on our sofa and boringly switching through the tv channels until you turn to look at me, noticing my presence. You carried me and twirled me around. How sweet, but this isn’t right. We can’t stay any longer.

Immediately rushing to our shared room, I bring the luggage out and start stuffing my things. I need to do this quickly, it makes my chest hurt so much.

“Hey babe, what are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m packing.”

“Are you going somewhere?”

“I’m...leaving.”

 

A moment of silence, yet it was so loud.

 

Will you disagree?

Will you stop me?

Will you convince me to stay?

 

“I see, you finally decided.”

I-I guess not.

You weren’t shocked. You didn’t even tear up. 

 

“You aren’t sad?” I ask, still having hope left in me.

“Of course I am, but who am I to be sad? I’ve been hurting you for a long time, I tried to change, but it seems that I’ll really stay like this.”

 

Did you really try?

Do you really love me?

Is it that easy for you to cut connections?

To me, I was holding onto a metal chain, I never fell down. It never snapped, but I looked at yours, and you were just holding onto a rope as its strings slowly got weaker, tearing apart.

Why aren’t you trying, Sooyoung?

Why? 

 

“It’s good that you’re going now.” She snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Oh…”

“Stay safe Jiwoo, I don’t know where or who you’re staying with, but I’m sure they’ll treat you better.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you, and I’m very sorry.”

 

A hug, and a simple yet sweet kiss on the forehead,

That’s all it takes for me to change my mind immediately.

I really can’t do this. I can’t leave her. She’s just too nice to me. It’s so hard. Why does she have to make this so difficult?

I heard a knock on the door, I guess we’ve embraced each other for too long.

 

“Woo?” Jinsol.

“Someone’s there, I guess they’re the ones picking you up?” arms still around each other, Sooyoung begins to walk to the door, but I quickly stop her.

“Don’t open it.”

“But Jiwoo-”

“Please.”

“Anyone home?” The knocking gets louder, as well as the panic in Jinsol’s voice. Don’t worry, I’m okay.

“Jiwoo?! You need to open this!” This time, it was Jungeun’s voice that was heard behind it.

“Hey, I think we should really let them in…”

“No. Let them knock, don’t let go of me.”

“Jiwoo, you said you’ll leave.”

“I changed my mind, I’m staying with y-”

The door bursts open, revealing Jinsol and Jungeun. They stood there for a brief second, and the next thing I saw was Jungeun hastily walking to Sooyoung.

“Hey! Don’t you dare touch my best friend!”

“Jungeun no!” I pulled Sooyoung behind me and I pushed Jungeun away. She looked at me in disbelief.

“Jiwoo? We already talked about this, right?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.” I was too tired because I fell to my knees, sobbing.

 

Why does the world have to be so unfair?

 

“Look what you did to her. I knew I couldn’t trust you.” Jinsol sighs, the tone of disappointment clearly present in her voice.

“Jinsol, I’m sorry.” Sooyoung stutters, not being able to look any of us in the eye.

“Don’t apologize to me. You broke Jiwoo. She gave you so many chances to change, but what did you do?”

“I tried! I tried so hard but I just can’t!”

 

You tried?

Why can’t I see it?

 

“You don’t love her at all.” Jinsol’s voice, monotone and stoic.

“Wha- of course I do!” Sooyoung shouts, sounding as if she was defending herself.

Jinsol looks away and bitterly lets out a chuckle. She quickly looks back at Sooyoung with nothing but rage in her eyes.

“Love?! Is this what you call LOVE?! The audacity of you to say that when you fool around with different women everyday! Where were you when she needed you the most, Sooyoung?! You barely gave her time, you were busy cheating on someone who worked so hard for the both of you to live properly and THIS?! This is what she gets in RETURN?!”

"Ah...I'm-" We were all surprised.

Jinsol was never the type to shout, but in this case, she was completely red, her veins already popping out of her neck from the fuming anger within her.

 

“Don’t you feel ashamed of yourself?! She stayed with you even if she was aware of all the crap that you’ve been doing! She’s already broken but she still told you that she was okay! THAT’s what love is, Sooyoung.” No one dared to speak, even Jungeun. We all just stared at her in fear. One touch could possibly make her explode.

“Actually, she loves you too much. It took us so much effort to convince her to leave you! So don’t you dare ing tell me that you love her. If you loved her, then why haven’t you changed?!” She’s...right.

“I-” Sooyoung opens to answer, but she quickly gets interrupted by Jinsol again.

 

“Pathetic.”

She walks away from Sooyoung and helps me stand up, carefully tossing my arm around her neck, “You really should stay with us now, I can’t let you get hurt like this, Woo.”

“W-what?” was all I could say. She instantly shifted her emotions. She was just being furious, but now she's softly smiling at me as if nothing had happened.

“Why are you so cruel?! How could you hurt someone who does everything to make you happy!! YOU’RE SO RUTHLESS!!” Jungeun slapped and punched Sooyoung's shoulders, but she didn’t fight back.

They’re correct, Soo. I always made sure that you were living well with me, but I had to suffer in your illusions instead.

 

“Hey, Woo. Don’t cry, we’re going.”

“Jinsol…”

“Jungeun, babe let’s go. We need to leave.”

“Don’t go near her ever again.” Jungeun frighteningly points directly at Sooyoung’s face for the last time. We slowly started getting out of the apartment, but she spoke this time.

“W-wait...her things, she’s still pack-”

“We don’t need them. We have clothes at home.” for the umpteenth time, Jinsol purposefully interrupts her.

Jinsol’s voice, it sounded so cold, she didn’t even dare to look back, how is she so strong? She carried me and placed me in the backseat. The couple are like angels, honestly.

 

“If we didn’t break in, you could’ve been suffering there again.” Jungeun lightly chuckles.

“Thank you, I’m sorry for causing trouble.”

“Hey hey, it’s alright. It’s even better now, you’re going to stay with us. You'll be safe. We promise to take care of you, Woo.” Jinsol smiles at me using the rearview mirror.

It’s the three of us. If ViVi was here, we could’ve reunited our high school friend group. I hope she’s doing well right now.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It’s been a year without you, Soo. There were times when I missed you, but you damaged me so bad that I started to develop hatred. I’m happier, thanks to Jungeun and Jinsol. They did take care of me well. They were like my own parents already. Speaking of my parents, I told them everything, and they continuously apologized for not being there for me through it all, but I told them that it was okay, because I’m fine now.

 

We decided to take a walk outside, visiting a park.

 

“Hey guys, why don’t we split up and search for food that we can eat before the water show starts?” Jinsol says, too boisterous to be able to stand still.

“Sure, let’s buy what we like already and we can share!” I answer, giggling at how silly she looked.

“Uh...we should meet at this bench then!” Jungeun, after a minute of scanning the area, manages to find a meeting spot for us to gather.

We separated, walking around and looking at the menus of the numerous stands, I simply bought three churros, I hope they like it. I guess I was too fast from the fact that I was the only one sitting on the bench, so I’ll wait then. The smell of the churros was tempting, leading me to take a small bite, and yep, it sure is delicious.

 

I felt someone sit right beside me as I chewed my food. I didn’t mind it at first, but the person poked my shoulder.

Why do I have a bad feeling...

Should I look?

No Jiwoo, trust yourself, trust your gut!

But she keeps poking me.

Well then...

Oh

I never thought I’d see you again.

Why did you have to come back?

 

“Hey Jiwoo, I missed you.”

 

The world around me froze. I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth. You were right next to me, after a year. The flashbacks of you came back to my mind. Why did you return? I’m already okay, and that smile, I shouldn’t be falling for you again.

“You seem to be doing great! I’m happy for you!”

Still, I did not respond, and I was frozen. You’re so beautiful, with shorter hair and a brighter smile. No, this can’t be happening right now, I’m already recovering.

“Jiwoo-ah! Are you okay? Oh, who are y-” Jungeun came back, and she was immediately frozen as well.  Jinsol then arrived a few minutes after, quickly noticing the situation and running to hold my wrist as she angrily stares at Sooyoung,

“What are you doing here?! You shouldn’t have shown up so suddenly!”

“I just wanted to say hello! I saw her and I decided to gree-”

“You’re nice, but it’s the wrong time, Sooyoung. You traumatized her. Don’t bother us anymore, we’re fine, you don’t need to know everything else.”

“Jiwoo? Let’s go.” Jungeun worriedly looks at me as she speaks. I nodded and we hurriedly walked to the car. There was only silence after the doors closed, the three of us still processing the situation. We were on our seats, Jinsol and Jungeun in the front, while I was at the passenger’s .

 

“Hey Jiwoo, did she do anything to you?” Jungeun turns her body to ask me.

I couldn’t speak yet, so I shook my head

“This wasn't the right time…” Jinsol removes her glasses and drops her head on the steering wheel, sighing heavily.

“Let’s go home, p-please.” I requested. I couldn’t sort out my thoughts.

“Alright.” The both of them answer at the same time.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Months passed by, and it felt like I was reliving the same life when I was with you, Sooyoung. You just showed up and said hi, but I’m now back to square one. You could’ve hid instead. The memories never left my head. I couldn’t sleep properly anymore. It kept bugging me to the point where I had to seek medical assistance. I don’t remember what I was diagnosed with. I was too lost in my thoughts. Why am I like this?

 

(“Hey Jiwoo, don’t keep those feelings too deep within yourself. We’re always willing to listen.”

“Thank you, Jungeun.”)

 

Yet I still kept them to myself. I didn’t need to let them worry about me. It would just bother them if I did that.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jungeun’s POV:

Jinsol, please pick up…

“Hey babe, I’m driv-”

“Where’s Jiwoo?!” I instantly ask her, not having the time to be calm.

“I thought she was at home with you when I left?” Jinsol begins to worry as well.

“I kept knocking on her door and it was locked, she wouldn’t answer, so I broke the lock and she isn’t in here anymore! Also, she...she left her phone!”

“What?! Check if she’s just i-”

“I CHECKED EVERYWHERE JINSOL! I DON’T KNOW! Please hurry and come here…”

“Alright, call the police. I’m going there.”

“Wait…”

The window…

“What?!”

“Her window’s open...she must’ve jumped out!”

“but we have a front door??!! But phew...it isn’t even that far from the ground, so she probably went somewhere, right?! For now, you should call the cops. We’ll find her babe, don’t panic.”

“Yes yes…thank you.” The call ends. I carelessly drop my phone onto Jiwoo’s mattress, my hands slowly tangling themselves in my hair from the stress.

Jiwoo, where did you go? Please come back.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jiwoo’s POV:

I don’t know where I am, I just ran. I didn’t want to disturb Jungeun, so I jumped off the window instead. It does sound stupid but I needed to clear my thoughts. I’ll come back anyway, but great, I forgot my phone. Now it’s raining, but I don’t even care anymore.

I suddenly feel so...free.

I think I ran too much, I’m tired.

Here I am, lying down on the grass, with the rain drops hitting and sliding down every inch of my face. I’m in the middle of nowhere, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

 

Sooyoung.

I just can’t seem to get your name out of my mind. Why do I have to keep remembering everything? When you were always drunk, when you always smelled like a different person, and when you brought two different girls home. All that yet you still treated me like I was the most important person in the world at the same time. You’re different, Soo. You confuse me, but I know that I still love you so much. Ugh, you’re so unfair, you know.

I should just sleep, the feeling of the grass and rain on my skin is relaxing, so I shouldn’t think about you for now.

My eyes are getting heavy, I’m falling asleep.

 

 

I wake up, and the weather’s sunny. No more rain, that’s kind of sad. I see something glowing beside me, and I try to take a better look at it. Why is it floating?

“Hi Jiwoo!?” The short-haired woman waves happily at me.

“Who are you? How do you know my name?”

“Let’s go!”

She ignores my question, gliding a little closer.

“W-wait, why are you floating, in the air?”

“Oh, I’m an angel!” She turns her body slightly, showing off her feather wings that enormously increased in size.

“A what...?”

“Angel! My name is Haseul. Now, let’s go!”

“You have wings.” The angel giggles at my words.

“Of course I do! Just come here, Jiwoo.”

“But I can’t fly…”

“Walk.”

“What?”

“Walk, you’ll feel it on your feet.” I’m confused, but I still follow. I know I’m dreaming, but this feels so real . I was stepping on something, but it was invisible. I guess they were stairs.

“Hold my hand!”

“Where are we going?”

“Trust me. Besides, I’m an angel from heaven!”

“Heav- am I dead?”

She laughs, “Be quiet Jiwoo, just let me lead you.” She led me higher into the sky, and the clouds separated, revealing a golden gate. Where am I? Why is my dream like this?

“Close your eyes” she instructs.

“I’m not doing that!” I couldn't easily trust her.

“Just close them! I’ll tell you when to open, alright?”

“Fine…” but I ended up giving in. I closed them, and after a few minutes, she patted my arm for me to open them. The golden gate was open, revealing a beautiful garden. This place is nice after all. I was still standing outside with the angel, was Haseul her name?

 

“Jiwoo!”

I know that voice...

“Sooyoung...?”

“Yes it’s me! I’ve been waiting for you.”

“W-what? How...w-what...you have wings?”

“You’ll also get them once you pass the gate!”

“Oh…”

“Go on, dear.” Haseul puts her arm out, welcoming me into the gate.

“B-but”

“Jiwoo, didn’t you say that you wanted to live in a better world? Everyone’s nicer, especially the one you love the most.” Haseul says, making me even more confused.

“What do you mean?”

“That Sooyoung standing right in front of you isn’t the same one who hurt you.”

“I’ll take care of you love, I promise. Now, get inside! Jinsol and Jungeun’s waiting for you as well!” Sooyoung sounded so cheerful, it’s strange.

“What?!” 

“Mhm, look!” She points somewhere, and I see them. The two were happily waving at me, gesturing for me to come closer.

 

I should wake up , I need to stop dreaming.

 

“Hey, don't worry. It’s up to you.” Haseul speaks again.

“Huh?”

“You decide. Whether you want to go back to your world, or spend time here in heaven, happily in love with this Sooyoung.”

“Trust me Jiwoo!” Sooyoung lovingly smiles at me again.

 

What kind of dream is this? It scares me.

Sooyoung reaches her hand out, grinning sweetly. I look at Haseul again.

“So...? Do you want to wake up again?” She asks.

I look at Jinsol and Jungeun once more. They’re still the same nice people, like in the 'real world' that they said, where I’m awake. Then Sooyoung. She’s still beautiful, but I could see that this one was better compared to the drunk woman I loved.

 

I smile and hold her hand, passing through the gate.

Now, my clothes turn white, the same as everyone else. And I grew tremendous wings. I try to fly like the others, but I’m a bit inexperienced. My wings kept fluttering messily and Sooyoung giggles.

“Let me help you, Jiwooming.”

“W-what?!”

 

The blush spread all over my cheeks.

That was the nickname she gave me in high school.

I thought she already forgot about it.

 

“Um, love?” Sooyoung snaps me out of my trance.

“Yes? I just-” 

Oh my god, this is too real to just be a dream.

“Hold my hand, you don’t want to fall down and get hurt, do you?” she giggles again and I nod.

“Thank you, Soo.”

Our fingers interlock, the butterflies in my stomach bloom. I want to be like this everyday. She softly guides me to where