KEITH POV

 

“Isa will go back on New York to get her second degree.”

 

“So? Why don’t you follow her there? I thought you like her?” I sighed.

 

“I’m not the kind of person that would cross the sea for someone who wouldn’t even jump a pond for me. And as if I afford the tickets. I don’t even have the money to pay for my apartment right now. I’m struggling with my life, bihira ang gig ko, Alliana.” I said and lit my cigarette. “Keith.”

 

“You know what? Bakit hindi ka na lang sumama sa’kin?” She asked.

 

“Oh, no. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng utang na loob sa ibang tao.”

 

“Ibang tao pa rin ang tingin mo sa’kin, Keith?”

 

“That’s not what I meant, Alli. I don’t want to be a bother.”

 

“You were never a bother to me.”

 

“Well, thank you.” I replied and gave her a soft smile. “And I appreciate the help.” I added. “Take care, okay? Good luck with your med school.” I said.

 

“Are you really sure about it, Keith? I can spare you some money.”

 

“I’m fine, kaya ko namang gawan ng paraan lahat ng bagay.” I answered.

 

“I hope so.” Aniya at nagkibit balikat. Hindi kumbinsido sa sinabi ko.

 

It’s been years since I dropped out of college. Akala ko magiging madali na lang sa’kin ang lahat just because a management offered me a contract to be their artist but i’m wrong. I was so confident with the decision i’ve made, to the point na tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung ito ba talaga ang gusto ko? O gusto ko lang ‘to dahil ‘yun lang ang nakikita kong paraan para umasenso?

 

“Anyway, thanks for tonight.” She gave me a soft kiss on my lips and fixed her clothes. “And i’ll see you when I see you, Keith. Take care.” She added.

 

Well, Alliana— I actually don’t know how it happened, we just met on a bar on one of my gigs then that’s it, we’re friends with benefits and no strings attached. Alam ko naman kung gaano niya kamahal yung ex-girlfriend niyang med student sa UST. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin binabalikan, imposibleng ako ang dahilan. Ang alam ko lang ay kailangan niyang pumunta ng America— para ituloy ang medicine.

 

“Are you saying you’re gonna live there alone?”

 

“Yeah, my mother doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

 

“I wonder what kind of mother was that. I mean—.”

 

“It’s okay. She’s been with me for years, it’s enough.”

 

“You sure you’re gonna be okay there, Isa?”

 

“I’ll try to be okay for the mean time. It’s time to be independent.”

 

“I wish you well in New York. Let’s meet each other again soon, okay?”

 

“Okay, Keith. Let’s meet each other again when we’re successful…” I bit my lower lip when I heard that. I was making my songs, an full album until my management had to cancel everything, including my plans and my dreams.

 

They terminated the contract without telling me the reason, gumising na lang ako na may pinalabas silang issue para maniwala ang mga tao roon—

 

That’s how this industry works. I almost give up with my life, kung sana ay ipinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aaral ko ay hindi sana ako nagkakaganito ngayon.

 

My family cutted their connection with me when I pulled that thing. I blamed myself for what happened— kung hindi lang siguro ako nabulag noon ay sana, may babalikan pa akong pamilya. And I never had a friend— si Isabelle lang, kung mayroon man, sila yung mga taong makakasalubong mo at ngingitian ang isa’t isa, pagkatapos noon ay pag-uusapan ka na nila.

 

As much as I want to say it to Isa pero ayoko nang dumagdag pa sa problema niya. She was struggling alone in New York— and in times like these, hindi siya pwedeng makaramdam ng kahit anong emosyon because she has a heart disease, baka maging rason pa ako ng pagkamatay ni Isa—

 

I don’t what that, I want her to live— I want to see Isabelle live her life.

 

After Isa, there’s Alli. She doesn’t talk to me anymore— we stopped being buddies when she left the country but one time, she sent me a money on my birthday. That hurts so bad because I used to celebrate my birthday with her. I shaked my head and read what’s written on the paper.

 

“Just take it, Keith— you deserve to be happy on your birthday. Buy all the things you want. Hindi mo kailangang magkaroon ng utang na loob. This would be the last. Take care of yourself, stop drinking alcohol. Be better.”

 

And I did what she said, I did better— and just when I thought I was better for myself and for everyone, especially to this someone, again, i’m wrong.

 

Looks like mali na naman ako sa pangalawang pagkakataon. “Architect…”

 

“Caela, Caela na lang.”

 

“I’m— i’m Keith Velasco.” She took my hand for a hand shake. This woman is looking so damn attractive on her black leather jacket and a white shirt tucked inside her jeans. May kulay rin ang kanyang buhok katulad ng akin but she’s wearing a specs. Malabo siguro ang kanyang mata, “So, Keith…”

 

“Wait, what were you saying?”

 

“Huh? Wala pa ‘kong sinasabi.”

 

“Uh, about Kuma—.”

 

“I thought it was 5th?”

 

“Kuma is actually his real name.” I chuckled.

 

“I see.” She her lower lip and playfully looked at me. Kung siya ay aking susuriin ay kalmado lang ang kanyang pagkatao, madalas siyang tumingin sa kanyang paanan o ibaba— siguro ay para umiwas ng tingin. Nag kamot siya ng kanyang batok nang mapansin na ilang minuto na kaming tahimik.

 

“Keith.”

 

“Caela.”

 

“May gusto ka bang sabihin?” Mahiya-hiya niyang sambit.

 

“Hmm, we’re talking about Kuma, right?” I asked and smiled at her, mabilis niyang kinuha ang kanyang telepono at hindi ko alam ang ginawa niya roon.

 

“Yeah— yes, we’re talking about him.” Is she panicking?

 

“Are you okay, Caela?” She hid her phone and looked at me.

 

“Yeah— yes, i’m okay.” Sambit niya at huminga ng malalim.

 

“So?” Tipid kong sagot.

 

“Can we talk about it over dinner?”

 

“Dinner?”

 

“I know a good place.” She smiled at me softly, then i’ve asked myself, is this woman hitting on me? Well, kung hindi, I should be the one to do that.

 

At yung dinner ay naulit— nadagdagan ng breakfast at lunch, madalas ay sabay na kaming mag brunch. I was holding back, I really am but I can’t resist her. Kuma finally found his way back home to Isa, at sa tingin ko, kahit masyado pang maaga, nahanap ko na rin ang matatawag kong tahanan—

 

—pero posible pala na ang tahanan mo ay may tahanan ng iba. “Keith…”

 

“Caela.”

 

“It’s almost christmas.” Aniya na para bang may ipinapahiwatig. Ilang buwan na rin pala kaming nag-uusap at hindi ko alam kung kami ba ay may patutunguhan dahil habang tumatagal— lalong lumalalim ang kanyang pagmamahal.

 

Hindi ko matukoy kung para kanino ‘yon at hindi ko alam kung ito ba’y para sa akin, pero lahat naman tayo ay may pakiramdam. Ayokong pangunahan ang aking sarili at sumabay na lang sa mga nangyari.

 

“Mukhang may balak kang kumpletuhin ang simbang gabi, ah.” Sambit ko sa kanya.

 

“Oo, sana— kung sasama ka sa akin. Okay lang ba?”

 

“It’s okay. I don’t have any schedule at night anyway.”

 

“Yun!” She smiled at me and bit her lower lip.

 

“May ipinagdarasal ka ba?” Tanong ko.

 

“Hmm.” Nagkibit balikat siya at hindi na sumagot.

 

Mayroon siguro ito.

 

Halos sampung gabi na siya ang aking katabi sa simbahan, kung may dasal siya na gustong matupad— ako naman ay may pagmamahal na gustong ilahad. “Masarap ang puto bumbong at bibingka— sa gilid ng simbahan…”

 

Napako ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang maramdaman ko ang kanyang kamay sa aking balikat, nginitian niya ako bago tumango at niyaya na akong mag lakad papunta sa hanay ng mga kainan. Napagtanto kong gusto ko na si Caela dahil sa huling araw ng simbang gabi, siya na ang aking ipinagdasal.

 

—kaso mukhang may problema, gusto niya rin kaya ako? Dahil sa tingin ko, hindi naman kami mapupunta sa sitwasyon na ito kung hindi niya ‘ko gusto.

 

I felt so happy that night, at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kung hindi ito ang huling beses na aayain niya ‘ko ngayong taon ay sasabihin ko na ang nararamdaman ko. “Do you want to spend your christmas in Bataan?” Oh.

 

. “Bataan?” I asked.

 

“My province, Keith. ‘Yun ay kung okay lang naman sa’yo.” Is this a sign?

 

“Uh, Bataan sounds great.” Sambit ko at tumawa ng mahina pero ito’y natigil nang hawakan niya ang gilid ng labi ko dahilan para ‘matulala ako—

 

“Ang amos mong kumain…” She giggled and wiped the crumbs on my lips.

 

Agad kong kinuha ang panyo sa aking bag at pupunasan na sana ito but she insisted, “Ako na.” Aniya at tuluyang tinanggal ang dumi sa gilid ng labi ko.

 

Hindi lang tao sa paligid ang naririnig kong sumisigaw para bumati ng kung anong mayroong okasyon ngayon, palagay ko ay ang puso ko rin. “Caela…”

 

“Keith?”

 

“May gusto sana akong sabihin sa’yo.”

 

She looked at me curiously and nodded her head, “Uh, okay? What is it?”

 

Huminga ako ng malalim at inubos muna ang kinakain, para akong nasusuka, hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan. Every time I perform on stage ay wala na lang ito sa’kin dahil nakasanayan ko na— pero gano’n nga talaga, kapag bago pa lang sa’yo ang lahat, mayroong takot at kaba—

 

“I like—.”

 

“Wait, someone is calling.” She excused herself and turned around para sagutin ang tawag. Para akong nalagutan ng hininga sa naudlot kong pag amin. What were you thinking, Keith? This is not your usual self. Come on.

 

“Sorry, Xavérie called. She’s alone in Tagaytay, e.” Aniya at tinago na ang telepono. Natawa na lang ako sa aking isip dahil doon din ang punta ni Isa.

 

“Hmm, Xavérie?” Yung kapatid nung babae sa billboard.

 

“Yeah, she.” Tipid niyang sagot. “Ano nga ulit yung sasabihin mo, Keith?”

 

“Merry christmas, Cae.” I greeted and she greeted me back. Not today, K.

 

And when we arrived in Bataan— that’s when I finally knew that I like her, especially when I saw her talked to her grand mother, how she talks about her grand mother and getting back to this place— gusto ko nga talaga siya.

 

At kapag gusto mo ang tao— ipakikilala mo ang lahat ng sarili mo sa kanya.

 

I told her everything about my life from the start, I find it amazing dahil hindi ko inakala na pwede pa pala akong magkaroon ng sandalan. Matagal kong sinarili ang aking mga pinagdaanan pero nang tinahak niya ang direksyon na nilalakad ko, siya ang nag mistulang finish line ng buhay ko—

 

Gusto ko kung saan siya nag simula, at hindi ko alam kung gugustuhin ko ba kung saan ito magtatapos. “Caela, gusto kita.” Sambit ko habang nagpapahangin kami sa harap ng malaking puno ng mangga. May napansin pa akong nakaukit roon pero nalipat ang atensyon ko nang magsalita siya.

 

“You like me?”

 

“I do like you.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Uh?”

 

“I haven’t heard that for a long time.” What kind of reaction was that?

 

“So?”

 

“I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now, Keith.”

 

“I’m not looking for more naman— I just said I like you, Cae.”

 

“Huh, you like me.” Sambit niya at ngumisi. I actually don’t know what to feel. Why would she say those words? Hindi naman porket sinabi kong gusto ko siya ay dapat siyang sumagot ng gusto kong marinig. Isinasara niya na ba agad ang puso niya para sa’kin? I don’t know— ang alam ko lang, masaya kami at sa tingin ko, ang kasiyahan na ito ay mauuwi sa lungkot—

 

But again, I shrugged it off.