So please hurry leave me

I can't breathe

Please don't say you love me

— First Love / Late Spring, Mitski

Walk past, quick brush

I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush

I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush

— Gold Rush, Taylor Swift

★☆

SPRING, 2019

It’s spring. The flowers are blooming, their petals are scattered all over the sidewalk. Yuna is terrified. 

Yuna had always dreaded this day, where she wouldn’t have Jisu by her side on the way to school anymore. The station looks like it’s going to eat her alive, so big and loud while Yuna is nothing but small and quiet, hands trembling inside the pocket of her brand new uniform.

Yuna enters the train, resting her back against the door as soon as it closes. She regrets staying up all night texting Jisu about how scary starting high school by herself feels, because now she can barely keep her eyes open and her backpack insists on slipping from her shoulders. 

That’s when she comes in, cute ears peeking from her hair, smile shining from ear to ear, eyes all big and kind and so, so gentle, saying, “Do you want me to carry that for you?”

That’s how the story of Yuna’s first love begins.

★☆

WINTER, 2021

It’s not uncommon for Chaeryeong to spend the night at Yuna’s apartment. 

Chaeryeong has trouble sleeping when she’s stressed, and considering the fact that she’s a creative writing student starting to work on her second novel, it isn’t that hard for her to slip into the I want to delete everything I ever wrote and chew my left arm off mindset. And, in her own words, Yuna’s company works better than any sleeping pill or ASMR video ever could— which sort of messes up Yuna’s smitten heart. 

The sleepovers started happening more often since Jisu, Yuna’s roommate and best friend of ten years, started dating Yeji and Ryujin. Jisu spends most of her time at her girlfriends’ apartment, probably having to stop the two idiots from choking each other to death every three seconds. It’s oddly entertaining, Yuna admits, to watch the trio when they’re together. 

And Yuna wants to grab her phone to send Jisu a message asking how many childish fights she had to break today, she really does, and she would if Chaeryeong’s head wasn’t pressed against her shoulders, if her arms weren’t firm around her waist, almost as if she’s afraid of letting Yuna go. And Yuna is stupid, so she makes the mistake of tilting her head to the side to catch a glimpse of Chaeryeong’s sleeping face and, god , they’re so close— she can count every single one of Chaeryeong’s lashes and if she leaned down a little she would be able to kiss the pretty mole Chaeryeong has on her chin. 

Yuna turns her head back to the window, biting her lips to avoid letting out the most exasperated sigh in the world and disturbing Chaeryeong’s much deserved moment of peace, fixates her gaze on the moon shining on the night sky instead. She looks beautiful today, almost as beautiful as the girl sleeping next to her, and she looks sort of understanding, too. It feels like she knows exactly what Yuna is going through, has been for the last two years, ever since Chaeryeong stepped into her life and stole her heart without warning. It’s comforting, somehow. 

So Yuna closes her eyes and asks— no, Yuna begs the moon: Please, make Lee Chaeryeong love me back.

Yuna keeps her eyes shut, too ashamed to stare at either the moon or Chaeryeong after such a personal request, and it doesn’t take too long for drowsiness to take over her senses. She can feel herself slipping into dreamland, and all she can think is please, Chaeryeong, please.

When Yuna opens her eyes, Chaeryeong isn’t beside her. 

Yuna frowns as she scans her bedroom for any trace of Chaeryeong. There was no way the girl would leave without at least leaving a note behind, right ? She must’ve left it on the living room table, or maybe in the kitchen next to Yuna’s favorite mug—

“Oh, you’re up!” Chaeryeong pushes the bedroom door open with her foot, trying to balance a plate filled with pancakes in one hand while the other is busy holding a bottle of homemade syrup. “I made you breakfast.”

Yuna blinks. Her eyes dart from the food to Chaeryeong’s face to the empty space on her bed a thousand times before she blurts out, “Breakfast? For me ?”

“Yes, silly,” Chaeryeong giggles, hands Yuna the plate and places the syrup on the nightstand. “For who else could it be?”

“No, it’s just—“ Yuna pauses for a moment, having a hard time trying to find the right words and processing what is happening. It doesn’t help that Chaeryeong’s big brown eyes are focused on her, waiting patiently for an answer. “We usually buy our breakfast. We don’t—“ Yuna gestures vaguely between the pancakes and the syrup. “Do this .”

“I know.” Chaeryeong nods, sliding her legs under the covers and sighing as she melts over the soft mattress. “But I wanted to do something for you.” Chaeryeong turns her head to the side so she can flash Yuna a smile. “I wanted to show you how much I like and care about you.”

Yuna is speechless. She opens , closes, tries to formulate a comprehensive sentence again and gives up on the task. If Chaeryeong knew how much love Yuna secretly carries inside of her heart, she wouldn’t go around saying or doing things like that unprovoked. Chaeryeong would at least feel pity, wouldn’t make it impossibly harder for Yuna to consider the idea of finally, finally moving on. 

Instead of going with, hey, I like and appreciate you a lot, too, Yuna chooses a barely audible, “T-Thanks, unnie.”

Chaeryeong hums, smile still shining on her face, and puts her chin over her knuckles, “Now eat before the pancakes get cold.”

“Don’t you want some?” Yuna asks, hoping her cheeks aren’t as red as she imagines them to be. “There’s enough for the two of us.”

“I’m good,” Chaeryeong reassures Yuna with a gentle pat on her leg, “I’ll just grab something on my way to class.”

Yuna wants to protest, but Chaeryeong is urging her to eat and it’s too early to fight against her hungry stomach and the way Chaeryeong is staring at her makes her weak to the core, so she obeys.

The pancakes taste of sunshine, happiness and love. Yuna can’t help but to wonder if Chaeryeong’s lips taste like that, too.

★☆

Yuna is picking up some flowers from the mini garden she has in the back of her apartment when she feels her phone vibrate inside of her pocket. She assumes it’s Ryujin stealing Jisu’s phone and sending her a funny selfie with the caption hacked by RJ as she always does, but is surprised to see the name of the girl she adores the most displayed on the screen instead.

love of my life chaeryeong unnie <3

baby!!! is there anything you need for your new potions?

Baby. It’s no big deal when Jisu, Ryujin or Yeji call her that. But when it comes to Chaeryeong, it feels like there’s a sky full of twinkling stars dancing inside of Yuna’s stomach. It’s stupid. Yuna knows Chaeryeong is doing nothing but treating her like the tall child that she is, but she can’t help it. There’s a lot of things that she can’t help when it comes to her feelings for Chaeryeong and it  , to be so out of control of yourself.

And, pause— is Chaeryeong offering what Yuna thinks she’s offering?

yuna

unnie, are you...

love of my life chaeryeong unnie <3

i went out to grab some coffee and just… thought of you?

so, tell me!! i’ll stop by the market and get all you want :)

Oh, heavens. Chaeryeong needs to stop doing this before Yuna’s poor heart gives out. Yuna stops and admires the sunset for a moment, allowing herself to imagine Chaeryeong sitting at a cozy coffee shop, typing on her laptop while she thinks of her . It sounds a lot like something Yuna knows they’re not and it stings.

It doesn’t stop her from longing for a reality where they’re the something she’s been daydreaming of. Her imagination is the only thing she has to cope with the fact that she’s head over heels for a girl that doesn’t love her back.

Yuna looks down at her phone. The message. Real world. Right.

yuna

you don’t have to… T^T

love of my life chaeryeong unnie <3

i /want/ to!!! let me take care of you okay?

now send me that list i know you have shin yuna!!! >:(

yuna

sigh FINE!!! you WON!!!

[screenshot.jpg]

love of my life chaeryeong unnie <3

see you in an hour baby ;)

Baby again. Wink emoticon. Only an hour until Chaeryeong shows up at her door with her pretty face and pretty smile. Yuna needs to sit down.

“I hope I didn’t forget anything,” Chaeryeong says as she makes her way into the apartment, leaving the bags in the kitchen before she returns to the living room with wide, innocent eyes. “Are you going to work on the potions now?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Yuna scratches her cheek, watching as Chaeryeong’s face lights up in pure wonder. “Do you— uh, do you want to help me?”

Chaeryeong looks like an excited puppy like this, nodding her head nonstop, hands clasped behind her back. In moments like this, Yuna forgets Chaeryeong is the older one between the two of them. It’s endearing, in a way.

“You know, I want to write about a witch someday,” Chaeryeong starts as they make their way to the kitchen. “A cute one, just like you.”

Yuna’s heart should win a medal for all the laps it's been running these days. “You think I’m cute?”

“Of course I do,” Chaeryeong says, lifts her hand up to her lips to shield a giggle, and throws her arms around Yuna’s waist from behind. “I think you’re the cutest, Yuna-yah.”

Yuna squeezes her eyes shut, feels her breath get stuck in and hopes that she won’t choke herself to death because Chaeryeong gave her something as simple as a hug. Okay, maybe it’s not that simple. It’s no secret that Chaeryeong can get touchy when she wants, however, back hugs aren’t exactly her thing— not with Yuna, at least. Chaeryeong likes to cuddle when she’s sleepy, likes to hold Yuna’s hand and to ruffle her hair, but this — this is new, and Yuna is not sure if she wants to dive right into the warmth Chaeryeong is offering or if she wants to hide under her bed forever.

“You’re so cheesy, unnie,” Yuna whines, thanking the universe for her long enough to protect a flushed face hair, reaching for the bowl filled with dandelion roots that Chaeryeong bought. Oh wow, Yuna thinks as she looks at the price tag, this was expensive as hell. “By the way, are you going to help me or are you here just for writing inspiration?”

Chaeryeong huffs, breaking the hug. Yuna hates how much she misses the proximity between their bodies. “I call you cute and this is the treatment that I get?”

Yuna, stupid Yuna, chooses to face Chaeryeong instead of focusing on the ingredients and is greeted by the view of Chaeryeong pouting and batting her eyelashes at her. The pot nearly slips from her grasp. 

“Unnie,” Yuna sighs, brows creasing. “Stop teasing me.”

Chaeryeong bursts into laughter, holding her stomach as she leans on the counter, and the sound paints every corner of Yuna’s kitchen with gold. Yuna can feel the tension flying away from her shoulders, and she finds herself chuckling while Chaeryeong fans her face, struggling to regain her composure. 

“Sorry.” Chaeryeong pats Yuna’s cheeks with both hands before she turns to the sink, carefully removing the lid of a bottle of frog venom. Another expensive item, Yuna notices and a pang of guilt strikes through her chest. She takes a mental note to tell Chaeryeong she doesn’t need to buy the pricey, high quality stuff for her potions— the cheap ones would do just fine. “I wanted to see how long it would take until you got sick of my love and affection.”

I could never get tired of it, Yuna says in her head and Chaeryeong flashes her the most disarming smile in the world and— wait, why is Chaeryeong smiling? Did she say that out loud—

“Aw, baby,” Chaeryeong coos, and Yuna wants nothing but to chug down thousands of invisibility potions. “Look who’s being cheesy now.”

Baby, baby, baby. Yuna doesn’t know how she’s supposed to survive this afternoon when Chaeryeong doesn’t seem like she’s going to stop calling her that any time soon.

“Enough!” Yuna groans, pretending she didn’t notice how hard Chaeryeong is trying not to laugh at her reaction. “Let’s start this thing before it gets too late.”

Chaeryeong spends the night again.

Yuna lends Chaeryeong her clothes, tries not to swoon when she sees how big they look on the girl, tries not to think how great it would be if Chaeryeong was hers . She stares, stares, and stares— craves for something she’s trying to bury, because it’s been years— two summers, two springs, two autumns and now two winters — and if they were meant to be, they would have figured it out, would be together already.

The clothes belong to Yuna, but Chaeryeong doesn’t. 

Yuna keeps that in mind, repeats the phrase until they’re stuck in her brain. 

But when she closes her eyes, she finds herself dreaming of Chaeryeong and a world full of new, unexpected possibilities.

★☆

There’s something weird about Chaeryeong tonight.

She asked Yuna to come over to her dorm, which she shares with Minjeong— who left right when Yuna arrived, saying something about giving them privacy while wiggling her eyebrows that made Yuna’s cheeks burn a bright red. And while Yuna usually doesn’t mind sitting on Chaeryeong’s bed, reading a book while the sound of Chaeryeong’s non-stop typing fills the room, there’s this heavy, uncomfortable silence between them that makes Yuna feel all sorts of uneasy. 

Yuna knits her eyebrows when she sees Chaeryeong biting down on her manicured nails for the nth time since she got there and finally gathers the courage to ask, “Is everything okay?”

Chaeryeong startles on her chair, closes her laptop and turns around to face Yuna. Yuna’s frown only deepens as she analyzes Chaeryeong’s face— her eyes are slightly red and it looks like she’s been crying. “Not really, but—” Chaeryeong shakes her head, drums her fingers on her thighs. "It's silly.”

“It’s not silly if it’s bothering you.” Yuna pouts, then she leaves Chaeryeong’s bed to kneel in front of the girl instead, taking Chaeryeong’s cold hands on hers. Yuna wants to warm them up with kisses, but keeps the wish to herself. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Chaeryeong nips on her lower lip, fixing her gaze anywhere in the room but Yuna’s face. Yuna knows Chaeryeong well enough to know this is her trying not to let her walls crumble, helplessly holding on to the urge of not displaying any hint of weakness. But Yuna knows Chaeryeong well enough to know the barrier won’t stand tall for long, too. “You remember that writing blog I have with Ryujin, right?”

Of course Yuna remembers. She visits the website every single day, clutching her chest like the lovesick girl that she is as she reads Chaeryeong’s pretty words. Not that anyone needs to know about that. This is her precious little secret, and she wants to keep it that way.

“I do,” Yuna confirms, nods. “What about it?”

“Someone—” Chaeryeong chokes up and Yuna squeezes her hands in an attempt to comfort her. “Someone sent me a really rude message about my writing. God, it was awful, Yuna. You know I don’t mind critics when they’re constructive, but this one was just mean,” Chaeryeong spits out, and the mix of anger and hurt in her voice is enough to shatter Yuna’s heart. “I shouldn’t let that get to me, but…”

Yuna pulls Chaeryeong into a hug, breathing in the scent of strawberry coming from her hair as she runs her hands up and down Chaeryeong’s back. She can feel Chaeryeong becoming lighter in her embrace as she draws circles over her shirt, shoulders relaxing and breath softening, welcoming the proximity between them wholeheartedly. Yuna is not that great with words but, according to Jisu, her hugs work better than months of therapy. 

Chaeryeong has been like this for as long as Yuna knew her. The girl prefers to keep her problems to herself and deal with them on her own, carries tons of rocks on her back instead of sharing them with someone that can and wants to help her ease the weight. She tries her best when it comes to Yuna, though— and Yuna takes in every word that flies out of Chaeryeong’s mouth like it’s her own story, feeling like the luckiest person in the world for being the one that crawled under her skin and earned her trust. 

“It’s okay to feel sad, unnie,” Yuna says, lips curling up when Chaeryeong places her head on her shoulder and deepens the hug, “You’re only human, after all. Just remember that that monster — whoever they are, is a miserable that has nothing better to do with their life other than bringing people down on the internet.”

Chaeryeong’s entire body shakes as she chuckles. Yuna releases the breath she didn’t even know she was holding before— she’ll take that as a win. “Did you just curse, Shin Yuna?”

“I guess I did,” Yuna can’t help but to laugh along, because the sound of pure happiness that slips from Chaeryeong’s lips is contagious like that, and soon enough their stomachs start hurting from laughing too much, still tangled in each other’s arms. 

This is a good kind of hurt, Yuna thinks when they pull away, heart skipping a beat because Chaeryeong still looks heavenly like this, with a red nose and tired, puffy eyes. It’s the type of hurt that she wouldn’t mind if it’s eternal as long as Chaeryeong is by her side, smiling at her, ribs throbbing the same. 

It’s almost midnight when Yuna gets home, finding the apartment dark and empty because of course it would be— Jisu spent the whole morning rambling about this revolutionary healing potion she was working on with Yeji, so it’s safe for Yuna to assume she’ll be spending the night by herself. Which is exactly what she wanted, because she has something in mind that will definitely lift Chaeryeong’s mood after what happened to her earlier.

Yuna sneaks into Jisu’s bedroom, grabs the notebook where the girl writes down every little detail about her spells and potions — Yuna is painfully aware that she would be done for if Jisu finds out she touched her stuff without her permission, but it’s for a good cause — and dashes to the kitchen, grabbing all the ingredients she needs and placing them neatly over the table. She stretches her arms, cracks her knuckles, and begins to work. 

Yuna doesn’t stop until the sun is peeking through the clouds, shyly announcing the beginning of a new morning. Her hands are covered in dirt, her eyes are on fire and her back is screaming for some rest. But still, Yuna beams as she stares at the colorful liquid she created, and decides she doesn’t regret wasting a night of sleep, not even a bit. 

★☆

yuna

jisu unnie!!!!!

we’re throwing a lil party this weekend ^-^

my mortal enemy

uh… why

yuna

reasons 🤷‍♀️

my mortal enemy

shin yuna. what the hell are you plotting

yuna

IT’S NOTHING

my mortal enemy

crickets

yuna

UGHHH i’ll tell you everything when you get home >:(

my mortal enemy

you better

★☆

Okay, maybe calling this a party was a reach.

Apart from the usual five, only Chaeryeong’s closest friends from college were invited. 

They’re an interesting group of people, those four— from Minjeong with her odd drink choices (“Jisu, do you think that if I mix three different types of energy drinks with vodka and down everything in one go I’ll have a heart attack?” “Probably.” “Okay, cool.”) to Jimin rolling her eyes whenever a boy group song comes on, they’re a fun and energetic bunch and Yuna wonders why Chaeryeong doesn’t invite them more often.

“You like them more than you like me,” Chaeryeong says, pout visible on her lips, “I’m a little jealous.”

Geez, Yuna thinks as Chaeryeong materializes behind her, right after she’s done screaming her lungs out to Bad Romance with Yizhuo on the karaoke. Speaking of the devil. Or of the angel. Or of the love of her life. Whatever.

“You’re not jealous because I like them, you’re jealous because we crushed you and Aeri on karaoke,” Yuna says, throws her hair over her shoulders like a mean girl on a poorly written western TV show, then points at the numbers shining on the screen. “Highest score of the night, baby.”

Chaeryeong tsks, looks at Ryujin and Jimin doing a terrible job at trying to copy IU’s high note in Good Day without making their voices crack. “We’ll rank higher than those two, at least.”

They get twenty five points. Ryujin sits on the floor and whines like a baby until Jisu and Yeji get her to stop with a series of tickles, hugs and kisses. Yuna wouldn’t admit that to anyone, but they’re cute sometimes, those three. She can’t help but to think about how lucky they were to find each other in such a busy, heartless city like Seoul.

Chaeryeong pokes Yuna’s shoulder, tilts her head to the side. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Yuna shrugs, plays with her nails as she watches Ryujin’s mood shift again (“You two still love me even though I’m not a witch, right?” “Ryujin, we’re literally dating you.”) and wonders why the girl always insists on drinking that much if she knew she wouldn’t be able to open her eyes without feeling like vomiting the next day. “These idiots,” Yuna says, gestures to their friends. “This thing they have— it’s destiny, right?”

Chaeryeong taps her index finger on her lips as she hums, pondering her next words. Yuna has a hard time trying not to stare, grip tightening on her can of soda. “Maybe. Maybe not. Destiny or not, they worked really hard to be together and didn’t give up on each other when things got rough. That has to count too, right?”

Yuna is about to continue the conversation about destiny and all its meaning when Chaeryeong has the nerve to interrupt her, a sly grin appearing on her face before she says, “What about you and me? Are we destiny or not?”

Yuna groans. She wishes Chaeryeong was at least drunk so she could blame the bluntness on alcohol. And since she can’t, she’ll blame this one on Ryujin— Chaeryeong needs to stop hanging out with her before the cheesy pickup lines become her only personality trait. Or before her heart bursts out of her chest, because she is in love and it’s not fair that Chaeryeong keeps throwing these bombs on her lap all the damn time, for the fun of teasing her and nothing else.

“Stop,” Yuna shoves Chaeryeong’s arm, scowls. “You will never get yourself a girlfriend like this.”

Chaeryeong looks at Yun