Both Mikasa and Eren had dated other people before they were together. Mikasa’s side of the story was curt. She went out with Jean a few times to give them a chance, but that didn’t work out. Eren’s side was different. For starters he dated Historia Reiss in the beginning of their senior year.

Historia was the kind of girl that was everybody’s type. You simply couldn’t pick out a flaw about her. She’d got the look, the brain, the heart, and the soul. Being one of the most popular girls in their class, she was anything but snobbish or mean. The fact that such a girl would give Eren the time of the day was rather unexpected - not to say that Eren was ugly or dumb or anything, but he was certainly not in her league.

Therefore when Mikasa heard the news she was caught off guard. It’d been three months since their first night together, and there Eren was, marching into the battlefield of love like a triumphant cavalryman. She knew what she and Eren had was non-committal and purely at will, but she couldn’t stop feeling a little jealous. It’d be a lie to say that she didn’t already fall for Eren, so she decided to be honest with herself and walked away from Eren’s bed and love life completely.

What bemused and frustrated her was that she thought Eren liked her too. There was one time when they were making out Eren pulled away from their kiss and asked her “Do you like me?” Overwhelmed by hormones and adrenaline, Mikasa felt bliss hit her like a rock and said “yes” before realizing it. They had a good time that night, until Mikasa asked Eren “Why did you ask me that?”

“Ask you what?”

“Do I like you.”

“I don’t know. It just slipped off.”

Mikasa didn’t push the topic further but took the discretion that Eren liked her too, even just a little bit. Therefore when she heard Eren was dating Historia she was angry and remorseful. Love was such a difficult subject, harder than any economic theory or accounting formula. She should have steered away from it in the beginning to spare herself from this mess.

 

“Mikasa, look, it’s not your fault. It was just a bad idea.” Armin said. They were sitting in the dining hall, each eating a plate of creamy chicken alfredo.

Mikasa sighed. She normally wouldn't confide such things with Armin, but she simply couldn’t think of anyone else. She was never the type to enjoy juicy gossip or girls' talks, in fact she didn’t have any close female friends to begin with. Therefore Armin got dragged into the picture.

“Guys are stupid, and they often say something they don’t mean. Don’t take it too seriously.”

“But Armin, Eren and I had a history, and he was so caring and gentle when we were together, I can tell the connection was there!”

“Oh Mikasa.” Armin shook his head, “I’m sorry but friends with benefits is the least stable relationship of all relationships, and the least fair of them all. There’s always going to be one party that wants more, does more, and hurts more. Plus you are not Eren, you don’t know what’s on his mind.”

Mikasa grew wordless at Armin’s words. She appreciated his bluntness but felt hurt no matter what. “Wait a minute Armin.” She said, “How do you know such things when you have zero love experiences yourself?”

“Well, I read.” Armin shrugged, “and these things are pretty intuitive. You don’t have to experience them to understand them. You are one of the smartest people I’ve met Mikasa, you’ll figure it out.”

It turned out Armin’s words were half true. It was no doubt that friends with benefits was not going to work for everyone, but guys’ words were not always BS either. Eren did like Mikasa at the time, and he meant it when he asked her that question. Eren confessed these to her years later when they were 25, and they both laughed about it. But Armin also said something that was true as the gospel over the chicken alfredo that night, and Mikasa always went back to it - She was not Eren, she didn’t know what was on his mind.

 

Early winter of their senior year Eren and Historia stopped dating, because Historia got herself a girlfriend. Ymir was this girl from the School of Engineering, tall and dark-haired and freckled, and they fell in love. People were generally surprised at this couple, because they didn’t think Historia was a lesbian.

“She’s biual.” said Eren, “She likes guys too. There’s a difference.”

“You are certainly knowledgeable.” Mikasa retorted, still feeling a little unease hearing Eren speaking for Historia.

“Well, I got educated on these things. Historia knows a lot and she filled me in.”

“So was that all you guys talked about when you were dating?”

“What? No, of course not. We talked about other stuff too.” Eren paused for a second, “Look Mikasa, I have this thing that I need to tell you.”

Mikasa felt her stomach clenched. “What is it?”

“I’m biual too, just like Historia. And I’m dating this guy, his name is Levi.”

The world seemed to have suddenly scrambled and cracked in front of her and Mikasa couldn’t believe her ears. “You are what?”

“I’m bi, and I’m dating a guy. In fact he is almost my boyfriend now.”

Mikasa stared at Eren, flabbergasted and muted. She was honestly expecting anything but this coming from Eren’s mouth. This just seemed so absurd, like Armin coming up to her saying he was half Asian or Sasha confessing that she secretly hated fries.

“When did you realize this Eren? I’ve known you since puberty and this never showed up. How is that possible?”

“Well Mikasa, to be honest I only realized I’m bi recently, after… after meeting Levi. But I did have confusion about things growing up, which I was just too busy to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Like, do I really love girls.”

Mikasa gave out a dry laugh, as if trying to convince herself that this was funny. “But you and I slept Eren! We slept together for three months and you seemed to be pretty into it. And now you are saying you aren’t sure…wait a minute.”

Mikasa paused because a passing thought hit her like a train. “Is that why we never had penetrative ? You never actually ed me because you didn’t like viginas?”

Eren gagged on her words, looking terrified at Mikasa’s sudden shift in language. She was usually very composed and modest and would avoid profanity whenever possible. The fact that she was speaking so explicitly right now showed how riled up she was.

“Mikasa, look, I didn’t mean to upset you. I came out to you only because I trust you, and value you as my friend. In fact you are the first person I ever came out to, even before Armin! Because you mean so much to me!”

She listened, wanting to push him away and give him a hug at the same time. What Eren said was so conceptually right but emotionally conflicting that she just didn’t know what to do anymore. She had nothing against gay people, but she also just got her heart broken, and she needed a minute to digest it.

“Eren, did you sleep with Historia?”

“What?”

“Did you her?”

“I...No! Why are you asking this? What does it have anything to do with you?”

“Of course it does. I want to know if this is just me or every girl you see.”

Eren gazed at her wide-eyed for a moment, finally grasping that she was feeling insecure.

“Mikasa, please don’t be like this. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up for something that’s not your fault. It’s me Mikasa, I’m bi and I prefer guys, that’s just a fact.”

“Then you are gay!”

“No I’m not completely gay either, because I could have feelings for girls, and could feel physically aroused when I’m with them. You saw me, you know I was into your body.”

“Just not my reproductive organ.” Mikasa sighed, tears streaming down her face. She felt so ashamed for what she said, which she knew was true.

“Oh Mikasa, please.” Eren’s face contorted painfully, pulling Mikasa in for a rib-crushing hug. He felt her trying to push him away at first, but he held tight, so tight that she gasped and held on to his arm. Eventually she stopped struggling, just quietly sobbing in his arms. Eren felt wetness on the front of his shirt, he knew it was Mikasa’s tears.

After a good ten minutes, Mikasa said calmly: “So tell me about this Levi. I want to know about him.”

 

Soon finals were over and the holidays came. Mikasa went home for the winter break, getting a ride with the Yeager family. Apparently over the past eight years the families stayed close, and Mikasa felt she was almost adopted by them. They undoubtedly liked her, so much that she felt bad for not telling them their son’s uality. But still she was a loyal friend, who kept Eren’s secret sealed and buried.

It was a quiet Christmas. Mikasa didn’t have a big extended family so she mainly just stayed in her room preparing for the spring semester. She already landed a job offer at one of the fancy public accounting firms, starting in fall. She was staying local, but she didn’t know what Eren was going to do.

Thinking of Eren, Mikasa couldn’t help but feel a little sentimental. She got over her heart break relatively fast, by the time finals were over she hardly thought about it. But it was times like this that made her thoughts wander and emotions run wild - when she was laying in her bed alone, and lonely. She thought about the nights she spent with Eren, the ual experiences they shared, and once again connecting all the dots. Eren was a wonderful kisser, and gave good orals as well. Mikasa, although never even once came under Eren’s ministrations, still enjoyed the experience. It was rather late when she realized that Eren couldn’t penetrate her, because they were going to take it slow anyway, starting only with touching and kissing. That one night when Mikasa was ready to move on to , they tried and tried but kept failing. On one hand Mikasa was really hurting, on the other hand Eren didn’t dare use too much force. So they gave up and switched to oral at the end. They tried again a couple nights after but reached the same place, which greatly frustrated Eren and concerned Mikasa. She even worried that maybe her body was built differently so couldn’t get in. But judging from Eren’s reaction, he wasn’t giving his full effort. Now knowing that Eren preferred male bodies, everything made perfect sense.

Mikasa wasn’t going to feel bitter or resentful or anything, but she did feel pretty powerless. It was the one thing that she couldn’t have control over, which never seemed to matter so much until now. But Mikasa loved her body, and she wasn’t going to hate it just because Eren preferred something else. Knowing this, Mikasa reached a hand down her underwear and herself to .

 

She saw Levi Ackerman for the first time in May the following year. They were graduating and their families came to town to watch them walk. Eren invited Levi, who was already his boyfriend of four months at this point, and kept him and his parents separated carefully.

Mikasa’s first impression of Levi was that he was really short. She’d never seen a grown man so short that she gave Eren a skeptical look, like “are you sure?” Eren smiled at her and introduced his boyfriend proudly, looking so happy and content like a praised puppy.

It turned out Levi Ackerman was an entrepreneur of a startup. He was already in his mid-thirties, established and successful. As a gay rights advocate in this city, he got to know Historia from various events, who introduced him to Eren. Everything just blossomed from there- they met, got to know each other, and fell in love.

Mikasa noticed this man had dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, short stature and a big attitude. This was not a man who would take orders from anyone, nor was he easy to talk to. But Eren loved him, so he must have been likable in some way. Unfortunately Mikasa wasn’t Eren, and she couldn’t see that.

Nevertheless she tolerated him and accepted him. Knowing that Eren was moving to the West Coast with him right after graduation, Mikasa didn’t want to make things awkward. They talked and took some photos together, everyone seemed to be having a good time. And that was the last time Mikasa saw them as a couple.

 

Except in photos of course.

A month later Eren sent a series of photos to Mikasa’s phone. It was near the end of June, the air was warm and the breeze smelled like sunshine. Eren was wearing a rainbow colored T-shirt, face painted in the same fashion, holding a rainbow flag. In his other hand was Levi’s hand, the two looked at whoever took that picture merrily, smiling into the camera. Mikasa could tell Levi was smiling because his eyes formed little wrinkles near the temples, which was, subtle indeed, a telltale sign of genuine happiness.
“Happy Pride Mikasa! I wish you were here.”

Mikasa read Eren’s text, then scrolled down to view other photos he sent her. It was like a big party, a rainbow colored festival. People of all genders, colors, age groups, and nationalities gathered on the streets, in the park, by the department stores, marching and celebrating. She saw people dressed up in daring outfits dancing with their friends, saw young kids waving at the paraders sitting on their parents’ shoulders, saw the variety of merchandise being sold under the little tents, saw the rainbow flag flying in the wind on top of the city’s landmark.

She took a moment to phrase her message, then wrote: “Thanks Eren. Maybe next time.”

 

TBC