"Hey are you okay?" a voice asked. Hyunjin did not bother figuring out who it was as he continued to lay down on his bed for the 3rd time this week. A curtain was opened and bright light entered his room and shuffles from left and right picking up loose items found everywhere. 

It's been almost a year and three months since Chan and Hyunjin broke up and to Hyunjin's knowledge it was mostly Chan's fault. He changed, a lot that neither one of them could manage and acknowledge it happened. It's not like Hyunjin did not want to move on or hasn't moved on yet. He has, really, but recently he got reminded of Chan's existence and suddenly he's broken and confused.

Heaviness sat down next to Hyunjin with a soft touch on his shoulder. "You know you can always talk to me if you need to, take your time," He said softly patting the motionless human's hair. "Thanks Seungmin," he managed to let out putting his hand over the latter's hands and softly patting it in assurance that he'll be fine soon, that it's just a phase and a mood he has to go through before coming out again joining the rest of the world. 

Slow flashbacks in still frame while playing Sugarplum Elegy as background came in mind. They dated for almost 3 years, it was a fun and soft relationship until it took a huge turn for both of them. What happened? Where did it went wrong? Was it my fault? Hyunjin kept asking questions he knows he wouldn't get any answers from, he's just hurt that is. Seungmin closed the door slowly just as slow as Hyunjin's sadness creeping over. 

It was Autumn that day, when leaves of browns and oranges starts flowing beautifully and breeze gets colder and colder.  Hyunjin waited again for Chan like he always does rubbing his hands together and putting it in his pockets to keep it warm. Chan is late again, it's been like this for almost 3 months now. On some days, he doesn't come home at all or completely forgets that Hyunjin was waiting for him outside his office each day to pick him up. It was the same again that day, Hyunjin thought it was another over time Chan forgot to tell him about. It was fine really, but a bit heartbreaking to wait for almost nothing. He thought a tiny surprise would be nice, walking to the cafe behind Chan's office buying him his favorite tea. It was the elder's favorite cafe as well, they often went there on dates or time when they used to get drowned by school works only to be woken up by the cafe owner that it was time for them leave and come back hours later. 

It's quite comically funny how Hyunjin thought of a tiny suprise only to be surprised himself that he's seeing someone who looks like Chan laughing brightly and suddenly leaning in for a kiss without someone that seems like Chan's officemate. He didn't know whether how he should react, be his dramatic self and make a scene or just stand there like a tree and let his tears fall like the autumn leaves. He did the latter part and just stood there, seeing Chan and the girl pack and pick up their stuff and went out of the cafe hand in hand. It was that smile, the smile Hyunjin knows too well after dating for 3 years. The smile that indicated how deeply, madly and foolishly in love Chan was and it was not because of him. He stood there until Chan notices his existence and just stared. "Hyunjin..." he said softly, trying to mask his shock. Hyunjin didn't know what dawned into him that he hurriedly laughed and wiped his tears, smiling at Chan, "Chan, Hi! I'll go home now, I was supposed to meet Seungmin today but he cancelled last minute so yeah," he said and turned his back running to his scooter and going home. 

Seungmin comes in Hyunjin and Chan's shared apartment with his bestfriend crying the out of himself in his room. It was heart breaking for both of them, Hyunjin thinking how he managed to still smile at Chan and make up an excuse for his unsuspecting girlfriend. Seungmin, knowing his best friend gave up so much to make this relationship work breaking down probably thinking how he's not enough again. Seungmin dropped the bag of grocery next to Hyunjin and Chan's bed and hugged him. They stayed like that until Hyunjin falls asleep, in the warmth of his bestfriend. 

Hyunjin woke up the next morning with a half empty apartment and Seungmin preparing breakfast with a bandage on his right hand. All of Chan's clothes and things wiped out. The way Chan arrived in Hyunjin's life was the same way he left, abruptly and unexpected. 

It didn't hurt as much as Hyunjin thought it would be, or so he thought. The idea of Chan cheating and leaving without a goodbye didn't really sink in to him yet until a couple of months later when Hyunjin came across his former classmates from college. "Hyunjin, how are you?" Seobin said laughing almost mockingly, "I'm doing fine really," he said. He wasn't really closed with this trio but he tried to be civil just to get over with. He has to go home soon as well before Seungmin nags him like a mother, "Where's Chan? Don't tell me you guys already broke up?" Hyunsu said making the other two laugh, something in Hyunjin sparked at the call of Chan's name. "Took him long enough, I remember, rumor has it that Chan only dated Hyunjin because it was a dare. I didn't really expect them to last long until graduation," they laugh louder. Hyunjin's getting drowned by their laughter and the sound of his heartstrings cutting off one by one. "What?" he said shockingly and in defeat. "Yeah, I heard it was a dare, coz like really, who would date someone as gay as you?" Shiha's laugh got cut off when a painful strike on his jaw flew. Punches and kicks where thrown here and there, leaving Hyunjin ganged up on an empty street a bit blooded and full of bruises. Soon enough, series of threats were coming in his apartment from his college classmates, from Seobin's group to female students who were turned down by Chan. 

"All this time, they were only being nice to me because I was dating Chan. Deep inside they really hated my guts," Hyunjin cried out again for the nth time of the week and Seungmin was just there hugging him thightly making calming circles behind his back. "It's really petty on their part Hyunjin," Seungmin sounded mad, "It's been a almost 2 years since you guys graduated college and they're acting like high school students holding a grudge," he added. It's beyond comprehension how the actual do college students hold that grudge for so long that they're hating on someone for dating who they like. It happens too often and growing worsts day by day that Hyunjin had to move out of his apartment and move in with Seungmin, who luckily had a spare room after his roommate move out. 

It was Autumn again before they know it. A year since Chan left without a trace, and 6 month since the incident from his former classmates happened. He was doing well more than expected. He was busy with his work being interior design assistant which helped him distract himself from things that doesn't really help him. More months passed by, Hyunjin unexpectedly crossed Chan's post on Instagram, forgetting he was still following the elder. In his defense he didn't really check much on Instagram and even if he was checking, he never sees the elder's post on his feed hence he forgot he even existed on SNS. It was the same girl he saw that autumn day, looking happy with those christmas themed sweaters. Sooner, he started seeing him on Twitter and Tiktok after he blew up as a producer. At first it was fine until months past by there was this weird feeling looming over whenever he just hear or see Chan's name and face. 

These feelings didn't go away as if the name of the man he once loved became a trigger to the gun that kept shooting bullets into his heart making it harder to breathe. He blocked Chan on Instagram, it was for the good of his mental health to avoid the trigger. It was good yet unhealthy. He managed to block out his name on Twitter but he couldn't remove or block his fan's content about him on all SNS. All these attempts were getting futile and he was not fully sure whether he can keep up with all of these. Hyunjin managed to get a leave from office and was able to rest for about a week as things in his office were a bit slow as well there weren't enough projects for them to get fully busy with. 

He stared at the window Seungmin have opened earlier and just stared there for a good minute. He wasn't necessarily avoiding Chan because he still loves him, no. He went past that already, he already moved on from their relationship. It was better they never really had the closure, it made things easier for Hyunjin to move on especially when he stopped questioning his worth. At least he wouldn't be hearing the man he loved say much hurtful words along the lines of 'I'm no longer in love with you', 'I'm bored of our relationship' and the confession of all of it possibly starting with a dare. It was better to left things unanswered and label it as willed ignorance. Things happened for a reason and that reason may not always be clear, this was the mindset Hyunjin had and made it easier for him to move on. For the most part he feels a bit angry, enraged and hurt all at the same time. Like his airway was cut short and he was put into a box with no holes that would help him breathe. The name of Chan just brings back so much memories and it's not of those from their relationship. The pain he felt when he was staring blankly and laid lifeless on cold street and those mails he received that he had to move out. He remembered Minji all of the sudden.

Minji was Seungmin's classmate in his course. They usually hangout together back then when Chan would be busy with school work and Hyunjin didn't really want to study during those times. They would sometimes have sleepovers or rather just rant sessions with Minji as she downs 3 bottles of soju mixed in yogurt drink and carbonated drinks. It usually end with a heart to heart talk where they just lay out all the deepest and weirdest thoughts they have ranging from asking why the sea was salty to how love comes in different forms. It was that one time when Minji wasn't her usual self, softly speaking like she's whispering not wanting everyone to know about what's going on her mind, Seungmin and Hyunjin thought maybe it was because of her recent break up with Changbin after her friend group fully kicked her out and chosen Changbin as their friend and not her. She didn't cry but she laughed softly, "You know, trauma's a ," she said drinking the concoction like it was just a non alcoholic beverage. They listened intently. "Sometimes, you don't have to experience something gravely traumatic to call it trauma you know. It didn't really matter whether it is small or big, as long as it affects the way you perceive the world, It's trauma," she said. 

Hyunjin thought about it again while staring at the window. "You know I always feel insecured about myself. I always compared how Changbin was so easy going and also funny that I feel like I'm the boring person and that time will come people would just leave me because I'm not that interesting, or because I did something they didn't like," she continued staring blankly as if finding the carpet was interest. "Because of that I try to be as outgoing as I can even though I wanted to rest and recharge I can't because I feel like anytime I stopped coming with them on night outs I would be left behind. I tried to please them as much as I can because of the fear that I will be alone again," she breathe. "And because of that fear I unknowingly pushed him away and broke it off because I would rather leave someone than be the one left. And that's on trauma. That !" she said sharply taking another shot, "I was left alone and ignored as if I didn't exist the whole time I was in high school and when I reached college getting a decent amount of friends and then I suddenly see my high school classmates in them and got scared," Minji laughed. 

"Maybe she's right," Hyunjin whispered turning to the ceiling. Thinking about it, maybe he is traumatized, he just didn't know how to react on it. He wasn't able to address that what he experienced was traumatic. He shot up, sitting, softly cursing out on that realization. Hyunjin caught someone he trust with his whole heart cheat on him, got beaten up for loving who he wants and go threatened for it as well. That experienced was over time, associated with Chan's name.

Hyunjin bursts out of his room looking for Seungmin, finding the younger one watching a movie. "Seungmin..." he said, sounding a bit whiny that could actually make someone laugh thinking it was adorable or something. The younger stared at him with wide eyes, popcorn in his mouth. Hyunjin rushed in and hugged him, crying. Crying harder as if he hasn't cried for years. Harder than when he found out about the infidelity. Harder than when he was left on the cold streets with bruises and blood splattered. Harder than his tears flowing each night pretending that those threats didn't hurt him. Seungmin as always, drawing small soothing circles on Hyunjin back letting the elder cry. "It's okay, let it out," he said, placing his chin on Hyunjin's shoulder. 

He knows he shouldn't be blaming Chan for what he's feeling especially when he's not really directly involve on the other painful memories other than his infidelity. Hyunjin wanted to go back to the time when things weren't complicated, when he didn't experience what he did. He's not saying he wish for Chan to come back to him, but the feeling of safety and comfort that Chan once bring, he wants to feel that again even if it's not with Chan. Bringing back time is useless at this point, but it had him thinking what if it he asked Chan to stay with him, if he didn't react the way he did would things turn out different? His thoughts are still as messy as his tears coming out but it was fine. It's part, soon he'll be able to forget everything fully. 

Slowly.