"Six months. That's how long she has left."

Tzuyu struggles for a few minutes, trying to comprehend the news as Momo stares at her apprehensively.

She blinks in dumbfounded disbelief. Tzuyu’s not sure if she heard correctly, so she slowly repeats Momo’s words. "You're telling me that Sana has six months left to live."

Momo nods.

"And the last thing on her bucket list is to see me again and pretend like we're still married until she dies?"

Another nod.

There’s a pregnant pause and Momo dares not move while Tzuyu just stares incredulously at her. "Are you insane?!" She finally snaps. Her voice shatters the silence with an explosive fury and she rips her glare away Momo, disgusted. "We got divorced years ago after she ing cheated on me! I'm finally able to be happy after ten years! Ten years, Momo. Ten years! And now you come and ask me to pretend like it never happened after all this time?"

Momo winces as Tzuyu becomes visibly more irate.

She inhales shakily. "You might be my sister, and I know she's your best friend, but I have my limits, too." Her voice is cracking, rife with emotions that threaten to consume her. "I can't do it, Momo. I'm sorry."

"For God's sake, Tzuyu, she's dying. She only has six months left!" Momo reaches over to grip Tzuyu's wrist, knuckles turning white. She's begging. "Please."

Tzuyu simply turns away. She doesn't say anything else. The conversation is done, and Momo senses it. After a while, she gets up to leave.

"Just think about it," Momo sighs. She pauses to give Tzuyu one last look before she steps out onto the driveway, letting the door click shut behind her. 

Even after Momo drives away, Tzuyu doesn't move. She just sits there, thinking, for hours after the rumble of Momo's engine can no longer be heard.

 

 

She thinks back to when they were younger.

They have always been a trio, even as kids: Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu. Momo and Sana are best friends, and Tzuyu, too, because she's Momo's little sister. But Sana has never paid any mind to that, and treats Tzuyu as a close friend just the same. They grow up together as the only foreign kids on the block, and so they stick together, just the three of them, until they enter school and their worlds expand.

Tzuyu meets Kim Dahyun and Son Chaeyoung in elementary school, and in middle school Im Nayeon breezes boldly into her life, dragging Yoo Jeongyeon and Park Jihyo in tow. In high school, Momo and Sana introduce the new transfer student, Myoui Mina, to the rest of them, and the nine of them quickly become inseparable.

Tzuyu loves them all dearly, but Sana will always be her favorite. Sana, who is always the first to scold Momo or Nayeon whenever they tease Tzuyu, always the first person that pops into mind when Tzuyu needs someone to talk to. Sana, who is the first person that Tzuyu has ever fallen in love with.

Tzuyu loves her friends dearly, but she will always love Sana the most.

Everyone else seems to know it too, because the teasing starts one day and never stops. Jeongyeon and Nayeon are vocal in their teasing, laughing goodnaturedly whenever Tzuyu becomes flustered, while Jihyo and Mina look on fondly with knowing smiles. Dahyun and Chaeyoung tirelessly try to convince Tzuyu to confess to Sana using one of their dubious schemes that always seem to involve fireworks or glitter bombs or other homemade explosives. Only Momo grumbles about Tzuyu wanting to "steal" her best friend.

But Momo's worries about her best friend being stolen away are futile, because as it turns out, Sana has always been Tzuyu's to begin with. By some miracle, they all manage to get into the same university (Momo's grades had them worried for a bit), and by an even bigger miracle, Tzuyu somehow works up the courage to confess. It happens during one of their nights out and Tzuyu is slightly delirious from the alcohol and the cumulative body heat of a clubful of sweaty, dancing college kids when Sana slides into the seat next to her, whining about her singleness. 

("Tzuyu-yah, Momo left me behind to go make out with some girl!"

Tzuyu reflexively cranes her neck to catch a glimpse of Momo with a stranger and immediately regrets it when she sees them getting a little too heated.

"Where's everyone else, unnie?"

"They all found someone to hookup with for the night." Sana scowls bitterly and flags down the bartender for another drink. "I want to get with someone, too," she pouts, eyes flickering over to Tzuyu meaningfully.

Tzuyu is silent for a moment. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the hazy heat, but she opens and asks a question without fully thinking it through.

"Want to try it with me?")

 

Things are good for the first few years and Tzuyu feels like she's on top of the world. She's about to get a promotion at work, all their friends are settling down and finding happiness for themselves, and Sana and her are still deeply in love with each other, a promise sealed by the matching rings on their hands.. 

But after one particularly grueling day at work when she wants nothing more than just to see Sana, Tzuyu comes home to hear her wife's voice, coquettish and seductive, laughing playfully with what is unmistakably a man's voice. She walks in to see Sana and some unknown man, tangled together in a passionate embrace on the couch. 

Tzuyu doesn't say anything. She just walks back out and drives aimlessly into the night. 

She doesn't really remember what happens in the months after that. She tries not to think about it. The divorce proceedings are finished quickly--Tzuyu just wants out. Sana can keep the house, keep the furniture, keep everything. Splitting their belongings will only remind her of Sana, so she opts just to buy a new set of everything and moves out.

She doesn't really see Sana anymore. It's been a while since she's been single, but she picks the pieces of her heart off the floor and plods forward, learning to just be on her own, learning to love herself without another's love.

It works, kind of. Tzuyu doesn't think about Sana everyday anymore. Most of the time she's completely fine. But there are times she comes across the familiar scent of orange and vanilla or a shade of purple that's almost lavender and she is reminded of Sana, and her heart hurts again. 

Tzuyu lets the time pass her by, and before she knows it, years have passed since the divorce. Since Sana. But she's fine now. She can pass by the diner they used to frequent together and there's no longer the sharp pain of a searing burn, only warm memories.

She doesn't try to see Sana again. Her friends don't really update her on what Sana's been up to, either, out of consideration. In fact, Momo's the only one that ever mentions Sana in front of her at all, albeit rarely.

("She still loves you, you know." Momo looks at her meaningfully.

Tzuyu lets out a non-committal hum. "Is that so?"

"It is," Momo sighs. "She hasn't been with anyone else since you for the last ten years. She's still waiting for you."

"I'm not going back to her, Momo." Tzuyu looks down at her hands. "I can't."

"I know." Momo sounds defeated. Tired. "It's just--it's sad.")

But, for all her fronting and pretending to be wholly unconcerned by Momo’s words, Tzuyu spends an inordinate amount of time anguishing over them. She wonders if Momo is telling the truth, if Sana still loves her, if maybe she should finally reach out, unsure if she wants to know the answers.

But she never does. Tzuyu spends her days in passivity, idly wondering if Sana had ever truly been hers. 

But life is fine the way it is, until Momo shows up at her door one day and tells her that Sana is dying.

 

 

Tzuyu has never been the most in tune with herself. She finds that talking things out with a friend is the best way for her to determine how she truly feels and what she really wants. In the past, Sana filled that role for her, but Sana isn't here anymore, so Tzuyu calls Jihyo instead.

They meet up at the usual bar and catch up for a bit, until a lull in their small talk prompts Jihyo to ask what's really bothering Tzuyu. She relays what Momo told her, and going by Jihyo's unsurprised look, Tzuyu guesses that she already knows what's up. 

"I just don't know why I feel so torn," Tzuyu confesses. She's nursing her third beer and starting to get a little emotional. "This shouldn't even be a hard decision, Jihyo! She cheated on me, and now she's back after ten years, asking for something that I don’t think I can give her. It should be easy to just say no and move on!"

"I know, kiddo." Jihyo rubs her back gently. She pauses, then asks, "You are over her, right?" Her brows are slightly furrowed and her lips are pursed, as if she's afraid of the response.

Tzuyu just nods numbly. "I am."

She takes a drink. "I don't have feelings for her anymore."

Another drink. "I don't even like her anymore."

The bottle is almost empty now. "But when I think about how she's dying, how I'll never see her again, I just feel so hollow. And as much as she hurt me, when I think about her, I can't help but think about all the good times we had together." She pauses for a moment to collect herself.

"She was my best friend for a long time, Ji," Tzuyu admits quietly. "I don't know if I can just leave her alone like that." 

Jihyo exhales slowly, trying to process Tzuyu's confession. "So, you still think of her as a friend?"

"I--I don't know." And she really doesn't. Sana is a mystery. Why she cheated, what she means to Tzuyu, and why Tzuyu can't seem to let go of her, even now.

"Okay," Jihyo begins. "Look at me, Tzuyu." She looks up at the older girl miserably, on the verge of tears, and Jihyo's heart wrenches with pity for her. "You need to figure out exactly how you feel about Sana, okay? If you still have feelings for her, then I don't--" Jihyo winces apologetically. "I don't think it's a good idea to see her again." She waits for Tzuyu to nod in understanding before continuing.

"But, if you really are over her--over your marriage and your past relationship--there's no reason not to be there for a friend."

 

 

Her first time seeing Sana leaves her with a whirlwind of emotions. She goes to visit with Momo after they agree upon a few boundaries, keeping Jihyo's advice in mind--Tzuyu can't be there as Sana's wife again, but she can be there as a friend. 

Sana still lives in their old house. Everything is untouched by time--the furniture is still the same, the pictures of the two of them are still up on the wall. It feels surreal just to walk through the house, and Tzuyu struggles to suppress the influx of emotions that crashes over her when she sees the framed photos of a younger Sana and Tzuyu, smiling and so in love.

The house is timeless, but the owner is not. Age and illness have taken their toll on Sana. She's still beautiful, but the bright energy that used to radiate off of her is no longer there, only a subdued, tired air. Her cheeks are thin and her eyes are sunken and dark. But despite her frailty, Sana is still so happy to see her, eyes b with wet joy, that Tzuyu has to excuse herself for a moment to choke back her own tears while Momo and Sana embrace.

She's not really sure what to expect during this visit. Tzuyu is initially afraid that they might revisit some old wounds, but she ends up worrying for nothing. There's no animosity and Tzuyu finds that it doesn't really hurt anymore that Sana cheated. She's just happy to see an old friend. They don't talk about their relationship. They don't reminisce about good memories or discuss bad ones. Tzuyu doesn't press for answers or ask for closure, and Sana doesn't bring it up either. Instead, Momo leads the conversation and they catch up on the last ten years. It's nice, Tzuyu thinks. It's like the three of them are kids again, just hanging out together. And if she's being honest, she's really missed this.

The afternoon passes by surprisingly quickly and soon Tzuyu is getting up to leave. She indulges Sana with a small hug, awkward and unsure, and tells her she'll come again, and that she'll see her soon. Sana nods and thanks her for coming over, says she really missed Tzuyu, and that she'll be in touch.

And then it's over. Tzuyu drives home alone with a deepening pit of sorrow in her stomach.

 

Most of her visits with Sana follow the same pattern. They chat for a while and have lunch. Momo usually comes with her and once in a while even Mina will tag along. Sometimes they play video games, the old classics like Bomberman or Street Fighter, and Mina's competitiveness will flare up as she stomps them all into the ground. Other times they attempt to cook or bake and fail spectacularly and Momo has to come and rescue their food every time. Tzuyu particularly enjoys it when they go on walks. It's still warm out, so Sana's health permitting, the three of them will take short strolls to a nearby park.

Maybe she forgot because Sana still retains her characteristic vivacity, but Tzuyu is soon forced to remember that Sana only has a few months left. It's one of those days where Sana doesn't feel well enough to go on a walk, so Momo busies herself with preparing lunch while Sana and Tzuyu chat in the living room. 

"What is it like to know that you're dying?" It's a sensitive question, but Sana doesn't seem to mind.

"It's fine," she shrugs. "It's actually given me a chance to kind of learn mindfulness, you know. Achieve my inner peace."

"It doesn't stress you out? You're not afraid of dying?"

Sana giggles. "Of course I'm afraid. But I also feel a sense of security now."

Tzuyu furrows her brows. "How so?"

"You know in some cultures, patients with terminal illnesses aren't told, right?" She waits for Tzuyu to nod before continuing.

"People think the added stress of knowing you're dying will just make the days leading up to your death miserable, so ignorance is better. To that effect, in some cases, patients actually live longer when they're ignorant and blissfully unaware of what's coming. But some studies have shown the opposite, that patients who know about their impending death and are able to make their peace with it actually live longer. So which one is really right, then?"

Sana pauses to let Tzuyu mull over it for a bit, laughing gently when Tzuyu only responds with an "I'm not sure."

"It's really about the mindset you hold, Tzuyu. I truly believe that it really will affect your health, even if it's just in the subtlest of ways. Even if you do know you're dying, I think that if you can peacefully come to terms with it and just focus on the things you enjoy, you can still have a good quality of life before dying, and that the absence of stress plays a large role in how long you live.

"Personally, I'm glad that I know. My life was hell after you left, Tzuyu. I was trapped in a mausoleum of our relationship." A shadow is cast over Sana's eyes, once shiny and oh so bright, and they flicker around the room, lingering on one particular photo of the two of them laughing together. "I lived each day with crushing regret."

"I'm not saying I don't deserve it, but ten years of living like this really did a number on me, Tzuyu." Sana's voice is the most broken that Tzuyu has ever heard, laden with quiet resignation and despair. She desperately wants to comfort Sana, to shower her in reassurances and hopeful promises, but is dry, condemning her to silence. She knows she shouldn't interrupt, anyway. Sana is no longer really talking to her, but performing a soliloquy unto herself. So Tzuyu lets her speak.

"And if I hadn't known I was dying, then I would have just continued to live like that, wallowing in regret but still being too afraid to reach out to you. Too cowardly to properly apologize. But now that I know I'm dying, that I have nothing left to lose and that this time, it might really be too late, I can finally stomach that fear. I can chew it up, spit it out, swallow it--anything but just standing there, holding it like a fool. I've been stagnant for these ten years, Tzuyu." Her voice is stronger now, determined. "I can finally move forward."

She falls silent once more. A few moments pass before Sana speaks again. "And I'm really glad that you're here, and that we're talking again, even just as friends." She's shy now. "I really missed you."

Tzuyu doesn't hesitate to respond, doesn't try to hide the sentiment that she, too, has missed Sana terribly. In a single heartbeat, she says, "I'm glad that I came to see you, too. I think I really would have regretted it if I never saw you again."

Sana is smiling now, and the air is considerably lighter, the weight that blanketed them previously lifted. "Thank you, Tzuyu. That means a lot to me."

The conversation turns to how Sana is trying to live as fulfilling a life as she can: the things on her bucket list, trips with Momo to places she's always wanted to go to, sights that she's always wanted to see.

It's ironic, because Sana is animatedly explaining how she's finally been able to find some semblance of happiness right now, even though they're talking about her imminent death. She is talking and laughing and in love with life, but all Tzuyu can think about is how Sana looks like her 20-year old self again--how she shines the same, with the same mesmerizing warmth and energy that Tzuyu has always loved.

It's ironic, because Sana looks so happy to just be alive, to just be with Tzuyu in her final moments, and all Tzuyu wants to do is cry.

 

Perhaps by the sheer power of Sana's positive mindset, six months--the original deadline on her life--have passed, but Sana is still healthy enough that she can stay at home instead of the hospital. She is visibly weaker, but her illness isn't progressing as fast as her doctor said it would, and Tzuyu is thankful.

It's during one particular visit around this six month mark, one that that Tzuyu later realizes very well might have been the last time she ever saw Sana, that she sees Sana's mask of optimism slip a little bit. 

The visit itself had been pleasant and relaxing, a cherished slice of time that Tzuyu reserved for Sana every weekend. Like every other time, Tzuyu had gotten up to leave around early evening, and Sana had followed after her to see her out. Normally, they would have just exchanged warm smiles and hugs and promises to see each other soon and Tzuyu would have been on her way. But tonight, she can sense that Sana has something on her mind, so she waits for her to speak before leaving.

"Thank you," Sana begins slowly. "For always coming to see me these last six months."

Tzuyu ignores the gnawing feeling growing in her stomach. "Of course," she smiles. "It's been great seeing you again."

"I know Momo told you that I was originally only given six months to live," Sana smiles back, but it's empty. Tzuyu feels the gnawing return. "So you were probably only planning on visiting me for that long in the first place. I just wanted to let you know that it's okay if you can't come here anymore, now that six months are over." She looks down at her feet, and it suddenly hits Tzuyu at how small she looks. And she realizes that despite the cheery facade she puts up, Sana is afraid of dying.

More importantly, Sana is afraid of never seeing Tzuyu again. 

"Sana," she breathes. "I would love to keep visiting you for as long as I can. Is that okay?" It's not quite what Tzuyu wants to say. She wants to tell her just how much she missed her, how much she's thought of her (an ungodly amount that Tzuyu would never admit to herself), how much Sana has come to mean to her. But deep down, Tzuyu is still scared of losing Sana and getting hurt for the second time, scared of letting herself be vulnerable. So she doesn't say much, just hopes that earnest words will be enough to speak for her, to convey that she'll continue to be here for Sana, forever and always. 

"I don't want to die," She murmurs in a tiny voice, pulling her arms in tight around her body. "I'm scared."

Tzuyu wraps her into a hug, rubbing gentle circles into Sana's back in an awkward attempt to comfort her. 

"I'm sorry for cheating on you back then," She sniffles, gripping Tzuyu’s shirt. Her sharp nails dig deep, but Tzuyu relishes the pain. It’s proof that Sana is still here with her. "I was so stupid and ruined something perfect. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do."

"It's alright," Tzuyu responds quietly. "It was so long ago, and we're here together now." She had meant for her words to have a reassuring effect, but Sana only begins sob louder. Warm, wet blossoms begin to form on her shirt where her tears fall.

Tzuyu is normally stoic, but she allows herself this moment of catharsis. For a long time, she has never been quite sure what she feels for Sana, and has always struggled to name it. But now, she feels that things are fine the way they are.

They stay like that for a while, in a comfortable embrace, until Sana finally pulls away. "You should get going," She smiles. "It's getting late."

Tzuyu nods. "Goodbye" doesn't quite feel like the right thing to say, so she settles for: "I'll see you soon."

She leans in for another quick hug, and Sana tiptoes up to her ear, whispering, "Thank you for coming back."

Their hands finally find each other again, after searching for ten long years, and it takes everything within Tzuyu to stop herself from bursting out in tears, barely managing to choke out “I’m sorry it took so long.”

Her voice is cracking, hoarse with bottled up yearning and aching desire, preventing her from saying the three words she has longed to say all this time. Three words that she has hungered after all these years. 

So instead, she squeezes Sana’s hand, ever so tight yet ever so gentle, that the meaning behind it is unmistakable, and suddenly, they’re both crying now, weeping openly, if only just to show the depth of their love for each other.

There should be a rush, because they've been apart for so long, only just now reunited, waiting for a cruel universe to tear them apart again.

There should be a rush, because their time together is limited, and Tzuyu desperately wants to stay by Sana's side and cherish these precious, precious moments, slowly dwindling away. To hold her tight for as long as she can, because soon she'll have to let her go.

There should be a rush, but there is none. Sana has always been hers.