Zitao glances at the clock, losing count of how many times he had done so. He is still huddled on the couch in the living room, the same position he had been in for the last several hours, and now the clock reads 10 PM, which means that Yifan's flight had landed about an hour ago. By all accounts he should be home right now yet he's not and Zitao's mind races - Did his flight get delayed? Did his luggage get mixed up? Was there a traffic jam on the way home? Why isn't he responding to my texts? Oh God, is Yifan safe?

Zitao knows all too well that he shouldn't be catastrophizing, yet it's too easy to latch onto these disaster scenarios when there's nothing anchoring him down; when he's alone and the only stimulation he's getting is from his own mind telling him things that he doesn't have the clarity to separate from the truth, and when Yifan isn't here like he used to and like he should be, shouldn't he? Was Tao demanding too much of Yifan? Hasn't Yifan given him so much love and care already? Yifan is too good for him. Doesn't Yifan deserve someone better?

Breaths growing ragged, Zitao feels like he's suffocating. His sight becomes increasingly blurry, and there's an overwhelming thirst in his throat but his legs feel frozen, like he can't move or stand up to fetch himself a drink, as if something bad will happen if he moves, yet at the same time he feels so restless. like there's something itching, trying to get out of him but he doesn't quite know what and he tries to wrap his head around what it was, but it asphyxiates him even more -

He feels a vibration in his hand, and the feeling grounds Zitao for a moment, making him cognizant of his surroundings again and how he had been clenching onto the device this whole time. The screen flashes, and Zitao labors to make himself breathe properly so he can comprehend the text on the screen.

It's a message from Yifan.

Got dragged into a client meeting after landing. I'm so sorry darling. Go to sleep, okay? I love you.

Relieved by the knowledge that Yifan is fine, Zitao lets his body lay pliant, slumping against the couch. At the same time, though, he feels tears b in his eyes because he misses Yifan so much. The older had gone on a business trip for the last couple of weeks, and this isn't the first time he's gone away. Yifan had earned a promotion, getting a bigger role at the firm which means he's taking on more responsibility; at least once a month he needs to board a flight to take care of work matters. But this is the longest that they've been apart, and Zitao was incredibly excited to meet Yifan again, so much so that it overwhelms himself with so many feelings.

In truth, this unease had hung over him for quite some time; an unexplained dread every time Yifan presses a kiss onto his lips only to whisper goodbye and leave. Maybe it's the thought that each time Yifan boards a flight, he has no control over his own lover's safety. Maybe it's just the fact that they're apart that makes Zitao anxious, that he can't see or feel or touch Yifan and there's no way for him to make sure of Yifan's existence, and the thought suffocates Zitao.

I waited for you, Zitao types into his phone, but he deletes it. As much as he misses Yifan, literally dreads being apart from the older, he feels even more guilty that he might put Yifan in an uncomfortable position. He's thought of letting Yifan know of his anxiety, but he knows that would only make Yifan preoccupied with worry in the middle of his work, which is something he doesn't want for his partner. Yifan has worked so hard and Tao should be proud of his success. He shouldn't burden Yifan with these things, he convinces himself.

Realizing how his hands had grown sore after being clenched and tensed for so long, Zitao exhales and relaxes his muscles, prompting the phone to fall to the floor with a light thud. He feels so exhausted even though he had just been sitting there. He can't summon the strength to eat or drink or do anything, so he lies down, and he sobs and sobs even though he's not entirely sure what it was that made him so upset. Eventually, he dozes off, feeling incredibly fatigued after crying.

Zitao wakes, slowly fluttering his eyes open at the sound of light shuffling behind him. His head is throbbing and his eyes squint at the red numbers of the clock glaring at him, telling him that he'd slept for only a couple of hours even though it feels like he'd slept for ages. Before he can sit up, he feels soft, cool knuckles brush against his cheeks. He turns his body only to see -

It's Yifan. It's really Yifan.

Yifan is kneeling on the floor beside the couch, his face right in front of Zitao's. The older had the small lamp in the room, allowing Zitao to faintly make out his features from the soft, warm light. Yifan looks disheveled - of course he does he had just gone off a flight and went off a meeting - his immaculate white shirt crinkled and his short hair messy, but his eyes are so soft and benevolent and Zitao is overwhelmed by the fullness of his own heart, at the sight of Yifan, and he spares any hesitation to engulf the older in a hug.

It almost feels unreal, the warmth and weight of Yifan's body against his. Zitao feels his stomach flip, realizing just how alone he had been up until this point. "I miss you so much," he mutters hoarsely, burying his face into the crook of Yifan's neck and inhales, noting how good the older smells even after such a long day.

Yifan reciprocates, locking his arms around Zitao's torso. "I miss you too, baby. You have no idea how much I miss you," he says softly. He cups the back of Zitao's head and guides him into a soft kiss, the younger sighing into his mouth. Yifan pulls away after tasting Zitao's lips, and his eyes grow with concern as he studies Zitao's face, despite the only thing aiding his sight being the dim light. Still, Yifan notices something about his partner.

"You look so puffy," he notes, thumbs grazing against Zitao's cheeks. Like you've been crying, goes unsaid. "What's wrong, love?"

For a moment, Zitao contemplates the lies he can tell. Oh, I slept a little too long while waiting for you. Or maybe the opposite: I haven't slept a lot since I have so many assignments from my courses. Perhaps even saying something like I was just watching a sad movie - you know how I am with movies, right? But he feels pathetic. He decides that he owes Yifan the truth.

"Why don't we get ready for bed first? And then we can talk," he answers, eyes darting to the floor. Judging by Zitao's words, Yifan knows that it's something serious, but he doesn't push it. "Sure," he breathes, gently pulling away to comply with Zitao's request.

Zitao lies in their bed, staring at Yifan's back who's standing on the end of the room, besides the drawers. He's putting on his cream, as per his nightly routine after bathing, and shrugs on a well-worn sweatshirt that Zitao knows is Yifan's favorite because he often wears it to bed. Yifan turns and meets Zitao's gaze, climbing onto the bed and lies down next to Zitao. He turns to face the younger. "Come here," he whispers, and so Zitao does, placing his head on Yifan's chest.

Yifan wraps his arm around the younger's back, and he cranes his neck a little bit, noticing that the troubled expression on Zitao's face is still present. Softly, he asks, "Babe, is this about today?", referring to how he had disappointed Zitao for coming home so late.

Zitao sinks his face further into Yifan's embrace. His voice comes out muffled and meek. "No," he answers. But it was the problem, wasn't it? That Yifan was home later than he had told him? Or was it something bigger than today? Is it their entire relationship? His head is spinning again. "I don't know, Yifan," restlessness flash over him once more, and he sits up quickly, alarming Yifan.

"Hey," Yifan sits up beside Zitao, gently caressing his arm. "What's wrong? Talk to me, baby," he croons, but Zitao can hear the fatigue in Yifan's own voice, how it sounds increasingly raspy. The older had gone through a long day, yet instead of resting, he's still awake in the middle of the night for Zitao.

"I... I feel so anxious when you're away, Yifan," even though he's terrified of how Yifan will react, he glues his sight onto Yifan's face. He's surprised at how well he's keeping himself together, perhaps because he had dried up all his tears that he has no more to shed. Yifan tilts his head in response, eyebrows furrowed, as if urging him to explain further.

"I don't know what it is, I don't think I can really explain it. Sometimes I think something bad will happen to you while you're away, other times just the fact that we're apart is enough to fill me with so much..." he shifts his gaze. "Dread," he says, deciding that it's the right word.

Yifan instinctively closes the space between them, enveloping Zitao into a hug. "I'm so sorry, Zitao. I had no idea," he sighs into Zitao's ruffled hair. "I should have known," Yifan whispers quietly to himself, and Zitao almost misses it.

Zitao rests his head on Yifan's shoulder. "I didn't know if I should tell you," he confesses. "I don't want to burden you. Even now, you should be sleeping instead of being awake with me. Besides, it's a work thing, there's nothing you can do about it."

Yifan pulls away so he can look into Zitao's eyes. "That's not true," he says. "I can, and I should talk to my bosses about my workload. And even if that doesn't work, there are ways to manage the anxiety," he says encouragingly, gaze soft as his fingers brush against Zitao's jaw. "And we'll go through it together, okay?" he presses a kiss onto Zitao's cheek.

"Okay," Zitao exhales, relieved at Yifan's reaction. His body feels lighter, free from the dread that had occupied him for some time now - the dread of being away from Yifan, as well as the dread of making Yifan worry about him. With that, he lies back down onto the bed, and Yifan follows suit, gently spooning him from behind. Zitao hums satisfactorily at the sensation of Yifan's strong arms wrapping around his torso, and at the warmth of Yifan's body pressing against his back. He missed this so much.

They stay that way for a while, until Yifan softly calls for his lover. "Zitao," he whispers into his nape, sending a tingling sensation all over the younger’s body. "Yeah...," Zitao responds, too tired to turn his body around to face Yifan, but he knows that Yifan can tell he's still awake.

"You're not a burden, baby," he says, voice laced with affection. After taking a moment, Yifan realizes that Zitao had kept his anxiety a secret even after Yifan had went away several times - meaning that the younger had suffered these bouts of dread all by himself for some time now. He wants to make sure that this doesn't happen again to his partner. "Don't say that about yourself, alright?"

Zitao stays silent, but he laces his fingers into Yifan's hands that are positioned on his stomach, signaling to the older that he's listening.

"You're... You're a strong person," he continues. "And you're so amazing. I love you, Zitao, and that's a choice I've made. Even when we're apart, every day I choose to love you in your entirety," he rubs at the back of Zitao's hand with his thumb. "That means I will be there for you, and I will not let you go through these things alone."

Yifan presses a kiss onto the crook of Zitao's neck. "You can tell me anything and I promise, I would never hold it against you," he says quietly. "You have me, baby."

Zitao grasps at Yifan's hands. His heart swells and he feels so, so loved. Even after living together for months, Zitao keeps discovering new things about his lover, and this time, it's just how understanding and affectionate Yifan is - just how much love Yifan is capable of giving him.

He wishes he could articulate his feelings as well as Yifan is able to, but his mind is too clouded after riding a day full of emotions. So instead, with the last bit of energy he has, he turns around and engulfs Yifan in a kiss. "Okay," he breathes into Yifan's mouth with the softest of smiles, and the older returns the kiss, a sleepy laugh bubbling in his throat.

A/N

yeah i know i said in the previous story that i won't be posting anything soon bc of exams and i AM still in the middle of exams but i'm so stressed and i was itching to write something so here we go

also this wasn't edited bc i still need to study cries but i hope you still enjoyed it :')

let me know what you think! and i promise more fics are coming after the semester is over. <3

P.S. if you've read my fics before: can you tell that healthy relationships are my kink lol

feed me comments and i'll feed you more taoris!

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