Saving Me
Saving Son
SHUHUA: (link)
TZUYU: I get nervous when you send links like this
SHUHUA: im not even sorry. It’s THURSDAY!!! IT’S CHAEYOUNG TV DAY!!!! Are you ready?!?!
TZUYU: Are you done w the Lit Assignment already?!?! I’m still at the Character Analysis :(((((((((((((((
SHUHUA: …Let’s not pretend you wouldn’t drop everything for Chaeyoung.
TZUYU: have to finish hw before I watch or else I wont be finishing anything.
SHUHUA: suit yourself
TZUYU: tell me if there’s something good.
SHUHUA: its chaeyoung, honestly is there ever a moment that its not good??
TZUYU: she was pissed about that time her phone number got leaked?? I have never felt raged like that before.
SHUHUA: u really have an answer for everything huh…
SHUHUA: anyways i’ll go through it and tell u to brace urself. She’s so pretty and cool~~ You would die!!
SHUHUA: girlllll you’re not ready!!!
TZUYU: ????
SHUHUA: Somi is there!
SHUHUA: They went on a date (sorta!!!!) it was so cute!!!
SHUHUA: THEYRE FLIRTING I CRIE
SHUHUA: AND CHAEYOUNG POSTED A SELFIE OF THEM TOGETHER THIS IS—
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, 19, part-time student, full-time fan of Twice, a 9-member Korean girl-group by JYP Entertainment. My bias is Chaeyoung, but I love all of them equally. (Or well, Chaeyoung more so than others)
Being a Chaeyoung stan is one of the toughest, bravest choice Tzuyu has ever had in her life. The group is dynamic and fun, and Tzuyu would have no regrets later on. But Chaeyoung rarely posts something about herself, and sometimes Tzuyu would think Chaeyoung had forgotten the password to their Instagram account. And on reality shows, Chaeyoung rarely speaks unless the members force the mic on her. And even though they have tons of songs, Chaeyoung shares the rap parts with Dahyun and well, sometimes she gets the shorter end of the stick. But that’s fine. As long as Chaeyoung is in it… Tzuyu will eat anything up.
She meets Shuhua in a group chat online. She was randomly added on it before a comeback starts and although she’s not much of a talker, actually just there for the updates and the pictures, she checks it almost regularly for the HD pics and gifs. She’s a silent hardcore stan, sue her.
They chat in English most of the times, sometimes switch in Hangul, but she slipped one time, when the teasers came out, the other fans using their own language: really to just say Nayeon is so beautiful in different languages (she’s always the first teaser to come out), that she also typed in her own. And then she gets a message immeidately after that.
SHUHUA: HK?! TAIWAN?!
And lots of typos that came right after. But Tzuyu would admit… it actually feels better, to have some familiary in this group of people so unknown yet accepting.
SHUHUA: OMG! Who is your bias?!
Even through the screen Tzuyu would find it in her to blush, almost embarassed. This question always sends. Almost like someone asking you your favorite music, your favorite movie, your personality type, or even your Hogwarts House. A simple question that tells something or a lot of things about you. An identifier that makes you friends with a group of people immediately.
She hastily typed, “Chaeyoung,” giggling to herself, finiding it soothing to finally gush about it with someone who understands. She laughs to herself and then adds,
TZUYU: Sometimes Nayeon
TZUYU: Or it depends. You get bias wrecked about every 5 seconds in this group. Lol.
SHUHUA: OMG SAME?!?!
SHUHUA: Mine is Mina. ❤️❤️❤️
SHUHUA: Sometimes Sana. She has gotten a lot hotter lately, like she has no chill.
After that, they would talk non-stop, almost daily every night. Each sending pictures of their biases every time something is up. Both of them staying up whenever a member does a live in the middle of the night till dawn. Both of them gushing and heart warming every time a member interacts with them.
When they said Once and Twice are family, they weren’t kidding.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, just turned 20. I got a golden ticket for a fanmeet that landed on my birthday. And it’s everything. It really is everything.
[1]
Tzuyu thinks she could cry. She could feel warm inside.
It’s the first time she’s seeing them in person, and she could not believe her eyes. She’s used to seeing them on-screen, but their fanmeet landed on her birthday and there is no way she ‘s not getting in. This is the universe telling her it’s meant for her.
Looking at Twice, waving excitedly at the fans, she laughs to herself thinking everyone but two of them is older than her but she’s still taller than them. She thinks, if she stands next to Somi, they might be the same height. Nayeon’s and Jihyo’s voices are loud even without mic’s. Her eyes keep going back to Dahyun. She didn’t think she’s that pretty. The J-line as the fandom had dubbed them, are a mesh of three different flavors in one. The usual teasing is there, the usual Mafia game was there. Even the tallest, they would baby their maknae, Somi. And she would try to get away from everyone giving her skinship, telling them she’s too cool for them.
And then there’s Chaeyoung.
She’s a few feet away from her and Tzuyu could feel the pounding in her heart. She’s smaller than she could remember. She’s cuter, cooler, and her voice is so so much different than what she hears through a speaker. She tries not to be biased, and pay attention to all of them. But she can’t help it if her eyes go to Chaeyoung and stay there for minutes.
She joins them in laughing when they gang up on Nayeon and Jihyo when Somi said, they’re overbearing sometimes. Tzuyu’s eyes glisten, thinking it would be so special to be part of that group. She cheers, hoping to let them know how much she loves them.
The guy next to her was nice, saying he was there for Nayeon. It’s funny, because even with Tzuyu’s height, the guy is at least 5” taller than her, a bit muscular too, but his voice goes ‘kya!’, smiling brightly at her, not being able to contain his excitement from fanboying. Tzuyu would think Elkie and Shuhua would’ve been proud for Tzuyu making friends.
When it’s her turn for the one-on-one, she readies herself.
She brings out a shaky breath and says, “Hi. You’re so pretty.”
Dahyun’s eyes almost disappear as she laughs and replies, “But you’re so pretty too.”
Tzuyu immediately blushes and tries to recover, “No I—”
Dahyun gasps and points to her, “Oh! You have one dimple too?! Just like our Chaeyoung??” Our Chaeyoung. She had said it so many times, she has claimed Chaeyoung and Twice like they’re hers for a very long time. Their victory is Once’s, their struggle is Once’s.
Tzuyu nods shyly, “Yes, b-but on the other side.”
Dahyun moans approvingly, and slaps her hand on her forehead, “Ahh~~ I can swear our Once’s are pretty people next to pretty people!” Our Once’s. Like who does that? Who calls someone theirs so casually that it makes Tzuyu feel her heart do sommersault? Like there’s this inexplicable sensation of belongingness – connection and attachment that is theirs and theirs alone.. Twice is Tzuyu’s and Tzuyu is Twice’s.
Before Tzuyu can explode and turn to a tomato, her eyes widen when Jeongyeon puts her arm around her shoulders and leans into her. “Dahyun, that’s what you get from hanging out with Sana too much. Since when did you start learning how to flirt?! To our Once, no less!”
Jeongyeon jerks her head towards her and Tzuyu might have a palpitation. Jeongyeon’s eyes widen as she regards Tzuyu, probably now laughing at her reddened face. Shuhua has been into a fanmeet as well and she did say Twice finds it funny when the girls get more flustered meeting them than guys. The staff at the back of Dahyun says it’s Tzuyu’s turn to move, so she does, not before bidding Dahyun goodbye, thanking her for the short yet memorable meeting. She sits across Jeongyeon, with Dahyun following her with her eyes, and Tzuyu would think, this is the best birthday ever.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, just turned 20. I will never regret stanning Twice. When I met them, it felt like we were friends for a long time. But… when I met you… it’s like… I knew versions of you. Partial things I read about online, hear you say about youself, hear other say about you. But talking to you like that… it was different. So, so different. I wish we would have talked longer. I wished I get to know more of you.
Speechless.
She was speechless.
All those times, thinking of what she’ll say when she meets Chaeyoung left her. She was just there, looking at Chaeyoung, taking all of her. She even didn’t notice the staff telling her to go and start.
It was Chaeyoung’s soft laughter that reeled her back in.
She shakes her head immediately and apologized softly, “I’m sorry. I’m sure you get this a lot.”
Chaeyoung’s dimple showed itself, Chaeyoung moves her head, fixing her hair with her forefinger, “No, not really.” She tilts her head to the side, “We’re pretty girl next to pretty girl, next to pretty girl. But I’m sure I’m not the prettiest.”
Tzuyu would digress, “I’m just… starstrucked. I’m…— Don’t tell the other members, but you’re my favorite.”
Chaeyoung raises her eyebrow at this and chuckles, “I think I might. You made Jeongyeon-unnie laugh so hard, I bet she’ll be jealous if I tell her I’m your favorite.”
Tzuyu didn’t think she’ll reach a point in her life where Chaeyoung will make jokes with her. So in a panic, she blushes (for the nth time that day!!!), and lowered her head trying to hide her face, “I didn’t think I was that funny. I think she was just really nice.”
Chaeyoung tilts her head and scrunches her nose, and laughs at that, “You’re charming.”
“You… you think?”
“Yes.”
Their first meeting was short-lived. Or, in Tzuyu’s mind it went too quickly than she would like. She was a babbling mess, and she wanted to say many things, but couldn’t. Her mind was on haywire, and she didn’t know what to say. She was just staring, admiring, looking from afar. It was odd. She was there, if she wanted to, she could’ve touched Chaeyoung’s hand. She was real. But to Tzuyu, it still feels like there’s a barrier between them.
Tzuyu sighs as she looks longingly at Chaeyoung, who’s now smiling at something another fan had said. She thinks she wasted her opportunity on that one just because she’s panicking deep inside.
Her thoughts was distracted when she hears a bright “Hi~”
She turns her attention back to who’s in front of her. She returns Sana’s smile and says, “I’m sorry. I’m not myself today. I’ve been distracted.”
Sana giggles and reaches for her hand. Tzuyu gasps, and it made Sana’s eyes widen and quickly apologized for it. “Sorry, I was gonna comfort you. It’s okay, it’s okay!”
But Tzuyu quickly shakes her head, “No, no! I’m just surprised… You’re Sana, and I’m just—”
And then Sana brings out her infamous baby pout that brings out her pouty lips and prominent cheeks, Tzuyu was sure she was gonna swerve to Sana’s lane. “Don’t ever say you’re just someone. You’re special. You’re our Once!”
This time, Tzuyu returns her sentiment. It warms her heart, how to all the members, they would always refer to them as theirs. This sense of attachment, this sense of family, everyone who doesn’t understand has told her it’s silly, to invest these feelings and money on superficial things, but Twice and Once will always prove, they’re so much more than being a celebrated girl group, more than a bubbly concept, they’re a family.
Tzuyu takes this time to admire Sana’s beauty. Staring at her, taking all of her details. She nods to herself thinking of the times Shuhua would whine on cheating on Mina every time Sana would push her hair back, staring at the camera that makes everyone’s hearts stop, or when they would have a dance break and Shuhua will find her eyes drifting to Sana for a slight body roll and hip sway. As Tzuyu releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding, she nods to herself thinking, she really is the Nation’s visual.
She’s the last one before Tzuyu has to return to her seat. And Tzuyu would grip her bag hard, savoring every second of it.
Sana tilts her head to peak into her and uncaps her marker, “Do you want me to write something specific?”
Tzuyu raises her eyebrows in surprise. The rest were just signing the album, making small talks. If she remembers correctly, Sana’s the only one who asked.
Sana giggles and says, “’told you, you’re special!” She winks at her and Tzuyu is convinced she might be switching lanes after this. She laughs with Sana and says, “Can you write, ‘Happy Birthday, Tzuyu!’”
Sana gasps, her round eyes widening. If Tzuyu is just as comical, Shuhua had joked they were like twins. Sana giggles excitedly, her pitch going higher and says, “Is it your birthday?? Or are you giving this to someone for their birthday??”
“It’s my birthday today.”
She grimaced internally, thinking she could’ve said that and at least get a birthday greeting from Chaeyoung.
But seems like Sana is already ahead of her.
Sana quickly grabs her mic and says, “Once, members~~ Can we sing one good, and lively ‘Happy Birthday””
Tzuyu quickly shakes her head and tried to hide her face. She was never one for being the center of attention, but right now everything is set on her.
All of Twice members turn their heads and look at them. Momo who is seated next to Sana also grabbed her mic and said, “Ahh~~ Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday?!”
“You didn’t even tell me your name!” Nayeon piped in, whining and already standing up, walking towards Sana.
“Maybe I’m her favorite.” Sana teased.
At that, Chaeyoung quickly grabbed her mic and piped in, “Hey! I thought I was your favorite?! Are you cheating on me already?!”
Yes. Today was a great day.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu. Twice sang me a Happy Birthday song. I. Could. Die.
An ear-shrieking bang was heard, everyone turning their attention to the direction of the loud gunshot.
Panic, chaos, screaming and crying.
It was Nayeon who screamed first, and then the men in black shirts came quickly gathering around the center of the table.
One moment, Sana was side-hugging Tzuyu, everyone singing her a birthday song, the next, someone was pulling Sana harshly, it almost knocked Tzuyu to the ground. A blur of white and black were rushing the members backstage.
Every member except one.
In the center lies Chaeyoung, with red liquid slowly but surely filling the table, her short blonde hair covering her head, face down on the table.
At that moment, Tzuyu found her voice.
No.
Oh God, please no.
She screamed.
She screamed some more.
And then nothing.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu. I think… I had the worst nightmare. You died. You…
[2.]
Tzuyu breathes heavily, too shocked to do anything, too shocked to realize Elkie shaking her awake. “Happy birthday to my darling~~,” she sings. Shuhua comes next with a party hat, wearing her matching pajamas, and a birthday cake on her hand.
Gucci is on her side, her face, and she tried her hardest to pat him comfortably. She grabs him, hugging him, trying to calm her beating heart.
She feels Elkie kisses her cheek, with Shuhua following right after, bringing the cake in front of her. It’s familiar. So, so familiar. Yet…
That haunting dream.
“Oh! Tzuyu is crying. I’ve never seen her cry! It’s okay, Tzuyu! Today is a special day!” Shuhua was quick to say, comforting her and hyping her up at the same time.
“I had a very bad dream.” Tzuyu managed to say, her lips, still hugging Gucci. Gucci wags his tail, looking up to her then to her cake.
“Yeah? What about?”
“Chaeyoung died… It felt so real… I was on the fanmeet and she died and—” Then she was hyperventilating.
Two of her bestfriends sets the cake to the side and continued to calm her, Elkie on her side kissing her temple, Shuhua running circles at her back. Elkie grabs her face and said, “Breathe with me, Tzuyu. Breathe with me.”
Red.
She can hear the ringing in her head, almost like an incessant buzzing.
And she can see Chaeyoung’s face down on the table, the white cloth stained with her blood.
Red on Chaeyoung’s blonde hair.
“Tzuyu, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me, sweetie.”
Red.
Tzuyu blinks her eyes, closing her eyes shut tightly. But the images are still there. The feeling is still there, arm softly secured around her, Sana’s scent filling her senses, Momo on her side clapping her hands, then the next, hard rough hands pulling Sana away..—
She feels something cold, and realized Shuhua was trying to make her drink some water. She obliges aimlessly. She can see their mouth moving, but can’t hear them. Instead she hears Nayeon’s scream, and Somi calling out Chaeyoung’s name.
And then she sees Elkie’s face, completely invading her vision. A soft tap on her cheek and then slowly she hears her, “Breathe with me, Tzuyu. Come on. I’m right here.”
“You’re here.” Tzuyu repeats. Not Sana, Elkie. Elkie is the one holding her, singing her a birthday song. Elkie, not Sana.
“You’re here.” Tzuyu says again like a mantra, she leans her head on to Elkie’s waiting embrace. Pushing her head against her chest, closing her eyes tight, trying to shake the images out of her mind.
“Yes. Me and Shuhua. It’s not real. It was just a dream.” Elkie says, in between kisses.
Elkie and Shuhua. Not Sana and Momo. Elkie and Shuhua.
Tzuyu nods, looking down at Gucci whimpering at her tight hold. She relaxes and kissed the top of his head. “It’s not real.”
Tzuyu thinks she could cry. She’s feeling cold inside.
She can remember standing in the small auditorium. She can remember the security checking her bag. She can remember finding her seat among the reserved ones for the event. She remembers cheering when all of Twice enters the stage and waves at them.
All things she can remember just as it happened.
She blinks her eyes and shakes her head, gripping her light stick hard. She hasn’t even turned it on. She sighs, remembering Elkie’s words: “It’s not real. You’ve been thinking about this fanmeet ever since. It’s probably just a bad dream. Don’t think about it too much and have fun!”
Don’t think about it too much, and have fun.
Right.
She tells herself, she’s nervous meeting them. And on her dream, she on the one-on-one. Maybe that’s it, right? She was too distracted, she barely talked, and it’s why Chaeyoung died. A little dramatic if you ask Shuhua, and it’s why it’s a dream.
Then why did everything happened like it was in the dream?
The security check, the queue, meeting Dylan, cheering for Twice… everything.
She her lips and before she can stop herself, she says, “Hi, You’re so pretty.” Dahyun is just as pretty as it
She doesn’t know what to think, when just like what happened in her dream, Dahyun’s eyes almost disappear as she laughs and replies, “But you’re so pretty too.”
Instead of blushing, Tzuyu felt a cold shiver run through her body. She wipes her forehead with her handkerchief and nods cautiously. “T-thanks.” She looks at Dahyun’s right and realized they were seated just as it was in her dream. Dahyun, Jeongyeon, Jihyo and on the far end, Sana.
No way. There is no way she’ll dream about this when she hasn’t seen them.
“Is there something wrong?” Dahyun says, leaning into her.
She smiles tightly at her and then says, “I’m sorry. I’m a little overwhelmed. You… This is too much for me.”
Dahyun smiles comfortingly at her and then leans towards the table. She motions for her to the same. Confused, Tzuyu leans in as well, “Want to know a secret?” Dahyun whispers.
Tzuyu pulls back a little and looks at her in confusion. Dahyun wiggles her eyebrows and then beckoned for her to come again. Tzuyu did so. Dahyun whispers, “I get overwhelmed too. So, it’s okay… to just take a moment and breathe.”
She pulls back and winks at Tzuyu.
Somehow, Tzuyu thinks, comfort and warmth overflows her body, replacing the bad aura since this morning.
She smiles at her as she hands her album for Dahyun to sign.
Just as quickly the comfort comes, the nausea was quick to come back with a vengeance when she hears Dahyun gasps and points to her, “Oh! You have one dimple too?! Just like our Chaeyoung??”
Oh God, no.
“Yes, but on the other side,” she replies, but this time, it felt like a robotic response. The usual overwhelming fangirling sensation left her.
Dahyun moans, and puts her hand on her forehead, “Ahh~~ I can swear our Once’s are pretty people next to pretty people!”
And Tzuyu would almost whisper to herself, repeating what Jeongyeon is saying when she puts her arm around Dahyun, “Dahyun, that’s what you get from hanging out with Sana too much. Since when did you start learning how to flirt?! To our Once, no less!”
For a moment, it felt like it’s a blur of flashes through Tzuyu’s eyes. It’s like watching a movie the second time, already knowing what’s about to happen.
Hi, I’m Chou Tzuyu, just turned 20. I think I’m losing my mind.
Speechless.
She was speechless.
Sitting in front of her, it feels surreal, yet familiar at the same time.
She was just there, looking at Chaeyoung, taking all of her. She slides in her album bowing to her a little.
It was Chaeyoung’s soft laughter that reeled her back in, mimicking her by bowing also, “How old are you? Am I older than you, why are you bowing?”
Tzuyu shakes her head, dread already filling her, “No, I’m… We’re the same age I think.” She wets her lips, searching Chaeyoung’s face, and then fiddling with her fingers in her lap, “I… I just turned 20. Today is my birthday.”
Chaeyoung’s eyes widen comically, her jaw dropping, “Really?!”
Unlike Sana, she doesn’t grab her mic. She nudges Somi on her left and then tells her, “It’s her birthday today!”
Somi turns her attention to her and regards Tzuyu. She smirks her and laughs, “Really? Lucky you spending it with us, right?”
Chaeyoung laughs and nudges her. She turns to Tzuyu and says, “She means we’re lucky you’re spending it with us.” At Chaeyoung’s small smile, the battle within Tzuyu starts: Chaeyoung’s fire that was supposed to warm her, and the coldness of the image of Chaeyoung’s death. She shakes her head, blinking her eyes fast, trying not to cry as Chaeyoung plays with her marker. She looks at Tzuyu, not losing her smile and then writes on her album.
She slides the album back to Tzuyu, and Tzuyu would bow her head in reply, ready to meet the dreaded ending. But then something caught her eyes.
She looks at her album, and realized contrary to the other 4 signatures, one was different. There’s Chaeyoung’s signature, and a small greeting, ‘Happy Birthday. Thank you for spending it with us.’ And then a doodle of herself, Tzuyu thinks. She looks up to Chaeyoung in question. Chaeyoung just shrugs, continues playing with her marker, spinning it in her hand, looking curiously at her.
She was a mess, and she wanted to say many things, but couldn’t. Her mind was on haywire, and she didn’t know what to say. She was just staring, admiring, looking from afar. It was odd. She was there, if she wanted to, she could’ve touched Chaeyoung’s hand. She was real. And to Tzuyu, it still feels like there’s a barrier between them.
So this time, before her turn ends, she reaches to Chaeyoung’s hand and squeezed it. In Tzuyu’s luck, Chaeyoung didn’t retract her hand. The staff behind her motioned for Tzuyu to stop, and told her it wasn’t allowed. But Chaeyoung waved at her and told her it’s okay because it’s Tzuyu’s birthday.
“Thank you.”
Chaeyoung looks at her kindly and puts her other hand on top of hers. “No. Thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you.”
And just like that, all of Tzuyu’s worry dissipitate.
Somi was next and cheers for her, having reminded of Chaeyoung’s remark. She claps her hands excitedly and writes on Tzuyu’s album, “Happy Birthday, our prettiest Once-unnie!” And then drew a cake next to her signature.
As she moves across Sana, she takes a chance to glance at Chaeyoung. After Chaeyoung, things had been different. She had managed to talk more, and relaxed more. Even the things Somi, Nayeon, and Momo were saying were different from what was in her dream. Maybe… Maybe it really was just a bad dream. She looks at her album one more time and realized it’s different from her dream.
She bows to Momo and smiles when Momo waves at her, laughing at what she had said. Tzuyu thinks maybe this will be different. She took a chance to look at Chaeyoung’s direction, half expecting her to be laughing at something the fan is saying her, instead, she was surprised to meet Chaeyoung’s gaze. Even more when Chaeyoung raised her eyebrow at her and smiled at her, even pointing a heart-finger to her.
At that Tzuyu looked down blushing.
Her inner fangirling was distracted when she hears a bright “Hi~”
She turns her attention back to who’s in front of her. She returns Sana’s smile, brighter this time. She greets her, “Hi~”
Sana giggles and said, “Wow, so pretty! Ahh~~ What to do?”
Tzuyu laughs, accepting the compliment.
Yes. Today is not so bad after all.
“You’re one to talk. Unnie~, so pretty.” Tzuyu says cheekily.
Sana never to back down, leans back to her chair and formed a heart with her hands and points it to Tzuyu.
Sana giggles as she leans back to the table and grabs her album. Her eyes widen as forms an ‘O’, “Oh! It’s your birthday?” She reads the greeting of half of the members on her album.
Tzuyu nods shyly as she places her gift in front of Sana. She pats the small Shiba Inu on the table and actually felt proud. She had prepared small dog stuff toy that she thinks represents the members.
Before she knows it, Sana’s familiar, “Once and members~~ Can we sing one good, and lively ‘Happy Birthday!’”
Tzuyu quickly shakes her head, half-nervous this is becoming too familiar than she would like, half-hopeful it would have a different ending.
All of Twice members turn their heads and look at them. Instead of Momo, it was Jihyo who said, “Ahh~~ It’s your birthday? Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu. Something is wrong.
Sana on her right, side-hugging her.
Tzuyu pushed on the side.
Men in black shirt.
Red on Chaeyoung’s blonde hair.
Tzuyu screams.
And then nothing.
[3.]
Tzuyu thinks she could cry. She’s feeling cold inside.
No, this is not a dream. It happened twice. There’s no way… No way that this is just a dream.
It felt real.
Everything felt real. The first, the second, this right here, feels so real.
The security is checking her bag. And she wonders: if she can’t bring in a simple bottle of water, there is no way, someone can bring in a gun.
And why? Why would someone shoot Chaeyoung dead? Why would anyone shoot someone dead?
This time, Tzuyu is vigilante.
She knows a few things. That no matter how much she tried to change things: like try not to go, her parents, her friends in the fandom would force her to go, saying it’s ridiculous to pass up the hard-earned ticket for a bad dream, or when she tried to change her reaction to the members, they would say the same, or even if it was Chaeyoung who greets her first, Sana would still sing a song for her at the end.
This time, Tzuyu was filled with determination. Before the security let her through, she told him, “Please check everyone.” She furrows her eyebrows, dead set before saying, “Someone would try to hurt Chaeyoung.”
The guard gave her a weird look, but ushered her inside.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, just turned 20, fan of Twice, a 9-member Korean girl-group by JYP Entertainment. My bias is Chaeyoung. And I will save her.
Tzuyu figures… instead of trying to change things, she should let it happen like the first time. So she tried her best to repeat all the interactions she’s had with the members.
Except Chaeyoung.
She’s determined this time, she’ll get it right.
But… if this is the time she’ll save Chaeyoung, if this is the time Chaeyoung lives… Chaeyoung should remember her by something, right?
So, she sits there in awe, but not speechless.
No.
In her mind, she had spent about more hours in thinking on what she would say.
So after her turn with Mina, she sits across Chaeyoung. She places her small Japanese Spitz stuff toy on the side patting it on the head. She looks at it longer, almost telling it silently, “Guard her for me, okay? I’ll get it right, this time.”
Just like clockwork, it was Chaeyoung’s laughter that reeled her back in. She inhaled deeply before meeting Chaeyoung’s questioning eyes.
She hands her her album diligently, and Chaeyoung took it without removing her eyes on her. Before signing though, Chaeyoung grabs the stuff toy. She looks at it curiously and then back to Tzuyu. “What breed is this?”
Tzuyu smiles timidly and says, “Japanese Spitz. It’s small, and affectionate, easy to train, and well… even though it’s not really one for a guard dog, it’s quite protective to its people.”
It’s funny… how among her two tries, Nayeon was the only one who asked about her gift.
Chaeyoung smiles at the information and leans into the table, almost interested, “…and you think, it reminds you of me?”
Tzuyu nods, unphased by Chaeyoung’s proximity. She looks around the table and realized she has gotten some strawberries, cubs, and things that Chaeyoung had admitted really liking. She grips her bag tightly, reminded of the effort she had put it in in researching the members personalities and videos and analyzed which dog breed fits the most. Suddenly feeling cautious, she adds, “It’s not high-maintenance too, you know. Even though they’re furry, you don’t have to groom them a lot. And they don’t smell.” She scrunches her nose before saying, “Kinda like you. You don’t have to try that hard, but I think you’re really pretty.”
The thing she likes about Chaeyoung is that she doesn’t conform to the idol imagery that everyone has been used to. Even though Twice has a bright image, Chaeyoung still shows her own flavor by being who she is. She doesn’t have to be girly and cutesy, doesn’t have to be affectionate all the time. She’s cool on her own.
Chaeyoung tilts her head and laughs at that, “You’re… interesting.”
Instead of a blushing, Tzuyu thanks her.
Chaeyoung keeps the stuff toy at one hand, then uncaps her marker with and keeps the cap in between her teeth. She signs the album quickly and then continues to write something on the side. Without looking up she says, “What’s your name?”
Tzuyu feels warm inside, not believing she had managed to pick Chaeyoung’s interest. But instead of saying her name, she simple replied, “Puppy Tzu.”
Chaeyoung looks back at her in question.
Tzuyu just smiles at her cheekily, feeling giddy, “My friends… it’s their nickname to me. And so, you would remember. I was the one who gave you a dog stuff toy. Your puppy toy from puppy Tzu.”
She sits across Sana and waits ‘till she greets her.
“Hi~” She sets the Shiba Inu on Sana’s side and pats it.
“Hi.” Tzuyu greets back. And then without further ado, she says, “It’s my birthday today.”
She can feel her heart feeling heavy, but she tried to fight fear. She has to save Chaeyoung. She needs to do this.
Almost like it has been embedded in her mind, Sana’s eyes widen, the familiar squeal was there before she grabs her mic and turns to her members.
Sana would stand up and pull her in.
She would feel the luckiest girl alive, having Sana side-hug her like that. But her attention is not on that. Her attention will be on the crowd, on the lookout. She needs to find the killer.
But from the stage, without the lights on, it’s kinda hard to see anything.
Nothing can stop Tzuyu, though. She knows when it will happen. And she knows it’ll happen now.
She keeps her eyes trained on the crowd, waiting till it happens.
And it does.
First was the gunshot. She hears it, but she doesn’t see it. What?
Then Nayeon’s scream, then Somi’s, then Momo’s piercing cry.
Then Tzuyu was being pushed to the side.
Men in black.
Then red.
But Tzuyu doesn’t scream.
Tzuyu just stares. Tzuyu just waits.
Then nothing.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, 20. I… would try to save you.
[4.]
This time she looks at the security, more serious. She grabs his arm and said, “2:44pm, someone would fire a gun. Save Chaeyoung.”
The guard looks at her weirdly. But Tzuyu would not be pushed aside, “Just please. It wouldn’t hurt to be more careful?”
.
“My friends… it’s their nickname to me. And so, you would remember. I was the one who gave you a dog stuff toy. Your puppy toy from puppy Tzu.” Yours. Your Tzu. This sense of belongingness, this connection. This loyalty is yours.
But before Tzuyu can let it go, she says. “I… love the members equally, but I have to say you’re my favorite.”
Chaeyoung would laugh again at this, “Really?”
Tzuyu would nod, smiling at her.
“I’d say you’re my favorite yet. You’re charming, Puppy Tzu.”
.
Tzuyu has to wait. She has done her part. She can see additional staff at the crowd. She’s feeling confident she’ll get this right.
2.43pm, it says on her watch as Sana sways with her, her soft voice flowing in her ears, Momo on her side, clapping her hands.
She keeps her eyes trained at the back of the venue, waiting. She sees the head of staff with her walkie talkie.
Any minute now.
And then the gun shot.
There it is. Near the third exit.
There was Nayeon’s scream, then Somi’s, then Momo’s cry.
This time, Tzuyu doesn’t get pushed aside. This time she frees herself from Sana and runs towards the exit.
Navy blue hoodie. Got you.
The men in black were running towards the exit, towards the source of the gunshot.
But halfway through the seats, halfway through the auditorium, another gunshot was heard.
No.
Oh God, no.
Tzuyu stops in her tracks. Did… did the killer shot himself?
Again, men in black.
But this time gathered around the person with navy blue hoodie. With the poor-lighted exit, she couldn’t see a thing. But there was blood splattered on the walls.
No.
Tzuyu couldn’t bring herself to turn around. She couldn’t bare to see red on Chaeyoung’s blonde hair.
Not again.
This time, Tzuyu breaks, bending her knees, kneeling.
Then nothing.
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, 19, fan of Chaeyoung from Twice. I met her the first time on my birthday as a gift. Meeting her… is a gift. Getting to know her… is a gift. She dies. Over and over, she dies. Always, I would try to save her, again and again, and again. And I fail each time.
[7.]
This time she doesn’t tell Chaeyoung it’s her birthday. This time she asks her, “What’s your favorite fairytale?”
Chaeyoung looks at her cutely then repeats her question, “Fairytale? Such an odd thing to ask.” She comments while laughing.
Tzuyu shrugs, but smiles anyway. “I’m not really good at this. I’m sorry.” She’s tired. And it hurt… to be right in front of Chaeyoung and knowing she’ll eventually die. Tzuyu wanted to cry. It’s a curse, she felt decided.
Chaeyoung looks up and taps the marker on her chin, completely unaffected by Tzuyu’s inner struggle.
Seems like Chaeyoung couldn’t think of anything, but on her side is Mina. She looks to her, really looks at her and then turns to Tzuyu, “You know the Black Swan? That’s fairytale, right?”
Tzuyu really wasn’t expecting any answer. As she side-eyes Mina on Chaeyoung’s right, she thinks, maybe Chaeyoung only answers what’s on top of her head. Before this she had asked Chaeyoung which city she’d like to visit and she said something about a city in USA.
Tzuyu accepts the answer and pats her stuff toy. She bids her silent goodbye. But as she accepts the CD, she looks at Chaeyoung sadly, “They both die in the Lake Swan.”
“What?”
“The prince… and Odette. In order to lift the curse of the Lake… they die in the end. That’s the story.”
Before she moves to Somi, Chaeyoung gains her attention. She looks up, only to see Chaeyoung pouting at her, “No. Their love for each other lifted the curse. And then Odette turned back to a human and they get married in the end.”
It’s cute. And hopeful.
But Tzuyu shakes her head, somehow accepting, She jerks her head towards Mina before answering, “You were thinking of the Black Swan. The ballet piece, right? They die in there. It’s a tragedy.” Tzuyu really tried to be hopeful. But Tzuyu feels like whatever happens now is nothing, except when they eventually sings her a birthday song and she tries to run towards the hhoded person, get through the security and look at the person’s face so she could spot them earlier on.
The staff behind Chaeyoung motions for Tzuyu to move over. Tzuyu nods and retrieves her album, gripping her bag, reaching for her gift for Somi. But when she stands up, Chaeyoung reaches for her hand and says, “I want the happy ending. Their love lift the curse. That’s the ending I want.”
Tzuyu looks at her, and felt sorry for her.
They share a look, but not the same thought and Tzuyu would think… She doesn’t even know. How can she stand a chance if she doesn’t even know?
She thought she knew her so well, all those facts about her, all those videos about her she never missed. But the truth is, just like Jihyo had once said, they don’t know her at all. Is it a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she’s a stranger?
I go, and go, and go. Love, and love, and love. Support, and support, and support. But… you don’t ever see me, do you?
She doesn’t tell Sana it’s her birthday. Instead she explains why she would make a good Shiba Inu: she’s fierce, stubborn, and too energetic that makes a good hunter.
Sana doesn’t pull her aside, doesn’t tell the members to sing for her birthday.
But still, 2:44pm came… and there will be a gunshot.
Screams.
Cries.
Men in black.
Red.
Tzuyu… would nod, closing her eyes.
[10.]
It’s not when they were singing a birthday song to her. Not about them knowing it’s her birthday.
Tzuyu’s 10th try, and she still isn’t sure… why she’s stuck in a loop.
It’s not about saving Chaeyoung, right? Because she can’t… 10 tries and she just couldn’t.
She puts the stuff toy on the side and hands Chaeyoung her album.
This time she doesn’t try. This time she’s back to her second try where she couldn’t say anything.
“What’s wrong? You seemed sad.”
Tzuyu shakes her head lightly, “Nothing. I’m just distracted. Sorry.” She remembers saying that one to Sana, or was it Jihyo? It’s a blur for Tzuyu.
“Is this… not what you expected?”
Yes.
You’d think buying 100 CD’s, Tzuyu would expect to see someone who had affected her life die on her birthday?
What kind of some sick joke is this?
Tzuyu shrugs and said, “It’s like… no matter how you envision something, no matter how much you planned something, it’s still not what you expect it to be.”
“Oh…” Chaeyoung’s mouth falls into a downward crest, “Were you… disappointed?”
Tzuyu couldn’t answer her. Too afraid if she does, she’d start crying.
Chaeyoung reaches for her hand, “I’m sorry. What were you expecting? Maybe we could—“
But Tzuyu retracts her hand, shaking her head, “It’s not you, it’s…” It’s you, always been you. But you die… you will die. How am I supposed to get pass that?” “I’m losing someone really imporant to me.”
“Oh.”
“She doesn’t even know. I think that’s worse.”
“Maybe you should tell her.”
Tzuyu’s eyes widen, thinking Chaeyoung has completely misunderstood what she had said. She wets her lips before saying, “No, I mean not like that—“
Chaeyoung smiles comfortingly at her squeezing her hand, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
They share a look before the staff tells Tzuyu to move.
Tzuyu nods at Chaeyoung and Chaeyoung would say, “Good luck.”
[11.]
“Happy birthday, my darling~~”
She hugs Elkie and pleads, “I don’t want to go, please don’t make me go.”
It’s heart-wrenching to see Tzuyu like that. Never had Elkie and Shuhua had seen Tzuyu like that. Never. They drop the cake on the side gently, hugging Tzuyu tight. Elkie kisses the side of her face, and Tzuyu would bury her face in Elkie’s warm embrace. Flashes of Chaeyoung’s blood staning the white cloth crosses her mind, sound of the second gun shot echoing in her head. Someone save her.
Tzuyu from this curse, or Chaeyoung from her apparent death. Tzuyu isn’t sure anymore.
“Calm down, Tzuyu. I’m right here. Breathe with me.”
Tzuyu shakes her head, her heart starts palpitating. She holds on to Elkie tighter, burying herself deeper. She can feel Shuhua on her back, running circles with her hand, and on her torso, Guccie trying to fit himself in between her and Elkie. But none of it has their usual calming effect.
Chaeyoung dies… over and over.
“I don’t want to go. Something is wrong. Please believe me.”
“Okay, sweetie. Okay.” Elkie says, patting her head.
…
When Tzuyu told them about it, just like what happened the second time, they tell her it’s just a dream. A very bad dream, but a dream nonetheless
Elkie, tells her she should go
Should.
But out of frustration, Tzuyu repeats Elkie’s words to her, as embedded it is in her memories. “You’re nervous, and that’s okay. But you’ve been wanting this—“
Elkie stops midway but Tzuyu doesn’t.
Her expression unchanging as tears flow from her eyes. “—since you became a fan, since they’ve had that concert that you couldn’t go to. Since you came in to my room that night, squealing, forcing me to watch What is Love? With you. I’ve never seen you swoon like that on a 3-minute video nonetheless. But I knew, from the first look, it’s the beginning.”
Tzuyu stops as she looks at her pleadingly. Elkie just stares.
They share a moment, and the ringing in her head stops. The image doesn’t blur, the scenes kept playing at the back of her head, her tears doesn’t stop flowing. She needs someone to save her.
Her as Chaeyoung or Tzuyu herself.
Elkie drops her shoulders, but pulls Tzuyu in a tight hug. They are soulmates. Shuhua can get Tzuyu’s love for everything Twice, but Elkie will always get everything Tzuyu.
Elkie turns to Shuhua and says, “Can you give us a moment?” Shuhua nods silently. She picks up Gucci from Tzuyu’s bed and hed out of Tzuyu’s bedroom.
Once the door is closed, Elkie taps Tzuyu’s head so she can pull back. Once face-to-face, Elkie fixes Tzuyu’s hair.
Her heart aches at the sight in front of her. The last time she saw Tzuyu like this was when her mom died.
How can someone so sweet and nice, hurt the most like this?
Elkie her lips before saying, “So you’re stuck in a loop… and Chaeyoung dies each time?”
Tzuyu nods, and she thinks she might melt on how soft Elkie’s tone is. “If this is a dream… then why does it feel so real?” Tzuyu shakes again, and Elkie would think she’d start bawling again. “Each time feels real. You’d think… knowing what will eventually happen, it’ll hurt less, it’ll be less traumatic. But it doesn’t. Elkie, it doesn’t.”
…
If you’re the only who remembers… if you’re the only one who can make this right… wouldn’t you want to try everything you can to save her? To save yourself?
Tzuyu holds her breath as she watches Chaeyoung inevitably draw something on her album as she writes her greeting. Chaeyoung looks back at her with the same amusement.
Tzuyu thinks, what would it be this time? Will you tell me I’m charming? Or I’m your favorite yet?
What’s the point of those meaningless, empty words, if Chaeyoung dies in the end each time? And Tzuyu is supposed to go in the same loop, in an endless cycle, remembering each time?
“Do you… ever get tired?” She ends up saying.
Chaeyoung hums, finishing her doodle before looking up to her. Tzuyu lost in her thoughts, repeats, “Do you ever get tired of this? Doing the same thing all over?”
Chaeyoung shakes her head, moving her lips to the side before smiling at her, “It’s not the same each time. Everytime is different. Everytime feels like a first and last time.” Chaeyoung tilts her head before leaning in, Tzuyu would lean in too, thinking Chaeyoung will say something. But to her surprise, Chaeyoung closes her eyes, her lips forming a smile, “3 Once’s before you, I sang Baby by Justin Bieber,” she giggles and to Tzuyu, it would really feel like a first time, looking at Chaeyoung’s soft face like this, “Last time, I also sang Baby, but not with Once.” She opens her eyes and looks up to Tzuyu, “My first one-on-one, someone gave me a dog stuff toy, actually a bit bigger than yours. But not a Japanese Spitz.” She grabs Tzuyu’s gift and holds it with both hands, “maybe we’ll meet next time and you’ll give me another.” Chaeyoung holds Tzuyu by a look and then says, “but right now is our first time and last time. Whatever happens now, it’ll never happen again. This moment right here, I share with you and only you.”
Tzuyu would think. If Chaeyoung doesn’t remember, and Tzuyu couldn’t forget – they could still meet in the middle. First and last.
[13.]
“I know you get this a lot… but… I listen to your songs and it makes me happy. I listen to it and sometimes I think that it’s written for me. I get by. I would wake up and wonder, is there any content today? You just make me happy. I wish I could do more, wish I could connect to you more… but…”
It doesn’t matter.
I’m stuck.
Stuck.
Here.
In an endless loop, watching you die. And I would try and try to stop it… and fail each time.
20 years, and this is where it ends, how it ends.
Chaeyoung tilts her head and grabs Tzuyu’s hand. Tzuyu doesn’t pull away anymore, too tired to fight it, too tired to feel anything. “I know I say this a lot… but it’s not just the money, the chart, the fame for me. I thought it was for that… to be able to perform in front of thousands of people, to have them cheering for us, or when we’re the first to do this or be this… now that I think about it, some things changed. We’re allowed to choose what we wear, what we say… what we sing,” Chaeyoung didn’t stop brushing her thumb over Tzuyu’s open palm. Then she continues, “sometimes it’s for the art,” and then she looks at Tzuyu, “but really, to have that effect on someone? To be the reason why someone is happy? I don’t think I can ever exchange that for something else.”
On her album, Chaeyoung writes, “You’re also the reason I get by. Please don’t stop supporting me and showing your love. I love you.”
[15.]
“It’s not the fame for me, not the charts, the history that you’ve made…” Tzuyu chuckles, remembering them talking about this in the group chat. “I know it’s nice… to be able to brag about that, to feel proud to be a part of that. But… there are times, where Momo-unnie would do a live for hours, just talking to us, or just looking at you interact with each other, or… listening to your old songs, sometimes minding the lyrics, sometimes just singing along with it, or singing along with the adlibs, or a bass drop somewhere, a wild bang — and it….” Tzuyu shakes her head, remembering the time she tried to explain to Elkie why she loves Twice, and Elkie looking at her like she had grown another head.
“I love you not because you’re the best selling girl-group, or the first to do this and that, or the group with the most wins and PAK’s… I love you because of what you can make me feel.”
I love you because of what you can make me feel.
Truly, whole-heartedly sincere. And the absolute truth.
Chaeyoung laughs in return and it might throw Tzuyu off when Chaeyoung touches her cheeks almost like she’s blushing. Tzuyu tilts her head, confused at Chaeyoung’s reaction.
Why?
But then, Chaeyoung reaches for her and says, “
But then, Chaeyoung reaches for her and says, “That’s the sweetest thing…” she shakes her head, not losing her smile, “if that was a confession, you would’ve really gotten me, Puppy Tzu.”
Tzuyu smiles at her in return, “It’s not a confession, not something to get your attention.” She bows at her timidly thanking her for her time, “it’s just the truth.”
Before she moves to Somi, Chaeyoung calls for her, “What’s your real name?”
Tzuyu contemplates about it, suddenly realizing it wouldn’t have mattered. Because 2:44pm would come, and Chaeyoung would die, and Tzuyu will loop back to waking up to Elkie and Tzuyu’s birthday song.
“Tzuyu.” She moves to her right, now facing Somi, looking for her gift in her bag: a poodle.
But Chaeyoung calls for her again, “Tzuyu, you made me feel things too.”
Tzuyu can only chuckle.
[17.]
Nayeon, true to Tzuyu’s first impression really becomes her bias wrecker every single time. Tzuyu doesn’t want to say she has a favorite, but when she would change her interaction with the members, she’d always find what Nayeon was sayingnthe most interesting. If Tzuyu pushes her luck, she can have a deep conversation with Nayeon about anything, sometimes Nayeon would just listen to whatever Tzuyu is saying.
So this time, she says, “Unnie~! If you’re stuck in a loop, repeating one day each time, not knowing why you are stuck, or what should you do to get out of it, what would you do?”
Nayeon laughs at her a little and then taps her chin, thinking, “Like a movie then?”
Tzuyu nods, now accepting of her fate, “I would do what I want! Spend time with people I love the most and… do things I haven’t tried before.”
Hi. I’m Chou Tzuyu, 19, a great fan. I’m born, I live, I die. And you hardly ever see me, but I’ve always been there. Always, always. You won’t know this. But I’ve been trying to save you.
[20.]
“Happy birthday to my darling~~,” Elkie sings. Shuhua comes next with a party hat, wearing her matching pajamas, and a birthday cake on her hand.
Gucci is on her side, her face, and Tzuyu picks him up, hugging him with love, kissing the top of his head tenderly. She looks back at her friends, smiling brightly as they come close to her.
She feels Elkie kisses her cheek, with Shuhua following right after, bringing the cake in front of her.
Tzuyu closes her eyes, wishing for a great day ahead of her, grateful for the blessings and gifts she had received in her 20 years of existence.
There’s a storm inside Tzuyu. Excitement for the happening about to unfold, and calmess at the center of it. Static, sure and stable – a knowledge of what she should do.
She can remember standing in the small auditorium. She can remember the security checking her bag. She can remember finding her seat among the reserved ones for the event. She remembers cheering when all of Twice enters the stage and waves at them.
All things she can remember just as it happened.
When she sits in front of Chaeyoung, she readies herself. She doesn’t say anything yet, she just watches her silently, from across the table as she slides in her album.
She made things right… telling Dahyun she’s flexible as well, twisting her tongue in front of her, in a sense of playfulness. She tells Jeongyeon about her day at the shelter, doing it as a fan project on her birthday last year. She asks Jihyo to fit her hand on hers, in an attempt to tell her they’re soulmates, just as Shuhua had taught her. She tells Mina ….
This time, she made it right.
She doesn’t know she hasn’t said a word when Chaeyoung raises her eyebrow at her and she says, “How are you?”
She shakes her head, giggling to herself, feeling satisfied. Warm filling her, overpowering the dread that was about to come. But when she thinks about it, she realized, there’s no more dread. Just… acceptance.
“Hi, my name is Chou Tzuyu. It’s my birthday today, and I think… this has been the most memorable birthday I’ve ever had… spending it with you.”
Chaeyoung’s eyes widen, “Chou Tzuyu?” She repeats a few times over, testing it in her lips. “Chou Tzuyu.” She giggles and says, “Chou Tzuyu, happy birthday!” She nudges Somi on her side and points to Tzuyu, “It’s her birthday today!”
“Lucky you, spending it with us”
Chaeyoung laughs and nudges her. She turns to Tzuyu and says, “She means we’re lucky you’re spending it with us.” She looks at Tzuyu, not losing her smile and then writes on her album.
She slides the album back to Tzuyu, and Tzuyu would bow her head in reply.
This time they talk about Hawaii. How it would’ve been nice to live somewhere off the grid, somewhere far from all this, somewhere simpler.
“It really would’ve been nice, Chou Tzuyu.” Chaeyoung says as her laughter dies down. In their make-believe conversation, they had agreed they would have had a Golden Retriever, chasing down their blonde tabby cat, Nala, like the one in Lion King. A strong independet female cub that suits Chaeyoung.
Indeed. Maybe. In… another life…
She bows again and readies herself before moving to Somi. Before Tzuyu stands up, Chaeyoung calls for her. She regards her but looks intrigued at the look on Chaeyoung’s face, “You make me feel things, Tzuyu.”
Tzuyu nods, “Good. Remember me, Chou Tzuyu, the girl who made you feel things.”
“I will. Definitely, I will.”
She bows to Momo and smiles when Momo waves at her, laughing at what she had said. She took a chance to look at Chaeyoung’s direction, half expecting her to be laughing at something the fan is saying her, instead, she meets Chaeyoung’s gaze. Chaeyoung raised her eyebrow at her and smiled at her, even pointing a heart-finger to her. She winks at her and mouths her name, “Chou Tzuyu, you make me feel things.”
Tzuyu raises her eyebrows at this. That’s a new one. She chuckles, shaking her head. Even more when Chaeyoung pouts at her direction.
She decides to ignore the obvious flirting and sits in front if Sana. Tzuyu looked down blushing.
Her inner fangirling was distracted when she hears a bright “Hi~”
She turns her attention back to who’s in front of her. She returns Sana’s smile, brighter this time. She greets her, “Hi~”
Sana giggles and leans back to her chair, turning her gaze sidewards. when she met Chaeyoung’s pout, she doubled in laughter. And then returns her attention back to Tzuyu, “Chaeyoung? Really?” Tzuyu just shrugs as she tries to bury her head in her bag, even though there’s only one gift left, trying to get away from Sana’s teasing.
Sana leans into her whispering, “Don’t know what you said to her but she still has her eyes on you. Should we make her jealous?”
From across the table she looks up from her bag, holding her stuff toy, ready to give it to Sana. However, she didn’t notice Sana’s proximity. She blinks slowly, staring back at her eyes. “Wha—“
Sana really is that pretty.
“You’re so pretty up close.” Sana says, more to herself than to Tzuyu, not expecting to be this mezmerized by a fan.
“T-thanks, I guess.”
Their moment was interrupted when the staff behind Sana taps her shoulder. She turns a complete 180, giggling turning to him. He hands her a paper, and as Sana reads it, her lips forming into a pout, her cheeks becoming prominent, Tzuyu would wait patiently.
Tzuyu pats the head of the Shiba Inu on the table, and then looks curiously when Sana’s laughter echoed in her ears. She looks to her in curiousity when Sana puts a small piece of paper in front of her, holding the ends of it with both hands, peeking into it from behind, laughing to herself.
On the paper it wrote,
“Chou Tzuyu, you make me feel things: one of them is jealousy. I thought I’m your favorite?!”
“What?”
The reference is not lost on Tzuyu. She sits up a little, craning her head, looking for Chaeyoung. Not disappointed, she sees Chaeyoung pouting in her direction, and Tzuyu would swear it’s the cutest thing.
At Sana’s jest on the side, she forms a finger-heart with her right hand and points it to Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung acknowledges it giddily.
Tzuyu waits till Chaeyoung turns her attention back to the fan in front of her. Tzuyu watches one last time before she return her attention back to Sana.
Sana giggles as she leans back to the table and grabs her album. “What was that about?” Her eyes widen as forms an ‘O’, “Oh! It’s your birthday?” She reads the greetings of the members on her album.
Before she knows it, Sana’s familiar, “Once and members~~ Can we sing one good, and lively ‘Happy Birthday!’”
Instead of being sandwiched between Sana and Momo, she find something(one!!) pushing herself on her side. And amidst Sana’s soft birthday song, she hears Chaeyoung say, “I keep looking at you, and you’re not looking back. That’s mean, Chou Tzuyu.”
What?
Instead of answering, she looks at her clock on her wrist, 2:42pm.
Sana is at her side, side-hugging her, squeezing her shoulder, and then there’s Momo on her side clapping as she joins in on the song. Chaeyoung is at her side, looking up to her, and Tzuyu feels tightening and drying up at the sight of her. She closes her eyes briefly, and letting herself cry.
Tears.
First and last.
And then she puts both her arms around Chaeyoung and against all the noise outside them and she says, “I love you. It’s the truth, the only truth. You make me feel things. You die, over and over you die, I would try to save you and fail each time, but this time… this time…—“
Bang.
Red.
She can hear the ringing in her head, almost like an incessant buzzing.
And she can see Chaeyoung’s face dow, the white cloth stained with blood.
Red on Chaeyoung’s blonde hair.
Nayeon screams right after, but Somi won’t call for Chaeyoung’s name.
This time, Chaeyoung would scream for Tzuyu’s name.
Red.
Men in black.
Tzuyu finally falls to the ground.
Chaeyoung would fall right next to her, kneeling, holding on to Tzuyu’s white stained shirt.
“No, no, no—“
“Chaeyoung we have to go, there’s a shooter—“ the man in black says, urging her, but Chaeyoung wouldn’t budge.
She looks down at Tzuyu, stuttering, “No, what does this mean?”
She holds on to her head, blood on her hands, staining her blonde hair. Tzuyu’s blood. She grips it tight, ringing on her ear so loud she couldn’t focus.
Another bang was heard, more screams, but Chaeyoung stays still next to Tzuyu.
Memories come flashing in her head.
She saw her from a distance. Her height makes her stand out from the crowd. She and Nayeon has this habit of counting the Candy Bongs at the crowd. And Chaeyoung wouldn’t be able to control her eyes from drifting to this tall girl in the crowd. Ugh. She wishes she has those legs. Is she as tall as Somi? And then she sees her talking to the guy next to her as he shows her his camera. Is he your boyfriend? Why would Chaeyoung care? She sings along with the song, but unlike everyone else, doesn’t take pictures. She was just there, singing with her candy bong in her hand, cheering with the rest of the crowd. Feeling the moment. Color Chaeyoung intrigued.
She sits next to her, but she doesn’t say something.
Chaeyoung taps her foot excitedly, anxious to hear her voice.
My God, she’s so pretty even with less make up, she could’ve been a model with that height and that face.
Chaeyoung finds herself laughing. How can this girl be mezmerized by Chaeyoung when she sees that face in the mirror?
“I’m sorry. I’m sure you get this a lot.”
And by gods, how her sweetest voice didn’t disappoint.
“I… I just turned 20. Today is my birthday.”
She touched her hand and Chaeyoung felt like there’s a jolt run through her body. Cliché, she would say, but… it’s the truth.
Who is this girl?
“Kinda like you. You don’t have to try that hard, but I think you’re really pretty.” “And so, you would remember. I was the one who gave you a dog stuff toy. Your puppy toy from puppy Tzu.”
“I’d say you’re my favorite yet. You’re charming, Puppy Tzu.”
“I want the happy ending. Their love lift the curse. That’s the ending I want.” Why do you think like this? I want… to know more of you.
“Were you… disappointed?” First time ever does she meet someone who lools like she’s one second away from hurling. And it’s not out of nervousness. It’s just pure… distraught. Like this girl in front of her is just so done with this whole thing. Was… was Twice wasn’t what she expected? Chaeyoung thought it over and she doesn’t know why but if she can please this person, just this person, then she’s ready to try anything.
“but right now is our first time and last time. Whatever happens now, it’ll never happen again. This moment right here, I share with you and only you.”
“I love you because of what you can make me feel.” It’s not about what she said… it really is about the effect of it to Chaeyoung. She gets people getting all fuzzy on her, but something about this girl, saying it like it’s the most casual thing to say, like it’s a general fact, like she’s just talking about the weather… is what won Chaeyoung over. “Tzuyu, you make me feel things too.
Chaeyoung couldn’t believe her eyes. On her turn with Chaeyoung, Chou Tzuyu was talking about their life together in a far away island, adopting 2 pets… like an old married couple, but here she is, after her turn on her, not sparing her any glance when Chaeyoung would look for her every time the timer will set off.
Chou Tzuyu, Chaeyoung whispers, testing it the way it runs inher tongue one more time. Why couldn’t she let it go?
She sees her with Sana, and Sana as her usual self flirts with her, probably. Who can resist Sana’s triple threat: her visual, her personality, her appeal? Chaeyoung thought bitterly. She sees Sana leans into Tzuyu and Chaeyoung would think they’re planning their own getaway on a different far away island.
She grabs a paper on her side, gripping her marker tight as she scribble angrily at her paper. Maybe Chou Tzuyu shouldn’t say Chaeyoung is her favorite if she’s saying the same thing towards all the members. She grips the small stuff toy in one hand, glaring at the poodle sitting next to her on Somi’s side. She hands the paper to her staff and asks her to give it to Sana. She looks at her Japanese Spitz one more time and says, “your master is cheating on us.”
She looks at Sana’s side, pouting at her direction. When Sana laughs, she frowns at her. And then waits to see if she’ll finally have Tzuyu looking at her.
She did. Moreover, she gave her a heart.
Chaeyoung thought she could die.
Chaeyoung stares to nothing in particular. Her hands shaking as she reaches for Tzuyu. Her eyes are almost closed, as she gasps for air, “You’re safe now. That’s what matters. Maybe… In another life.—“
And then, nothing.
If Heaven’s grief, brings Hell’s rain
I’ll trade all my tomorrow’s,
for just one yesterday
”Your tracks will never bring her back.” Elkie hisses as she stares at Chaeyoung from across the room.
Chaeyoung sighs as she walks at the center of Tzuyu’s room. All her things untouched. A year later and it’s still the same as Chaeyoung first visited. All of their posters plastered on her wall.
She sits on Tzuyu’s bed, dancing her fingers on Tzuyu’s sheets that Elkie occasionally washes, almost as if Tzuyu will come back anytime. Chaeyoung picks up Gucci from the floor and places him on her lap. And pats him the way she thinks Tzuyu would.
”I know.” Chaeyoung replies, looking at Tzuyu’s room, it’s neat, very neat, compared to hers, Dahyun and Somi’s.
All those times, when she had the courage to find her, she would come every week, imagining how Tzuyu lived... would have lived. And how... Chaeyoung thinks she fits in the picture. All along, Tzuyu was loving her. And how she wished, she could love her as well. She breathes through , hoping she doesn’t cry. Elkie is leaning against the door frame, glaring at her as usual.
She lets go of Gucci and he goes and snuggle his nose on Tzuyu’s pillow. It doesn’t smell like her anymore, unlike the first week Chaeyoung had visited, but Chaeyoung supposed, Gucci misses her owner just like Chaeyoung does. Under Tzuyu’s pillow is Chaeyoung’s Japanese Spitz, that Gucci has learned love. He grabs it on his mouth and plays with it. She lays on her bed, wondering what would it feel like to cuddle next to Tzuyu. And she would chuckle at how Tzuyu and her talked about it on their alternative life in Hawaii. Gucci lies next to Chaeyoung, and Chaeyoung would welcome him warmly, thinking it’s how Tzuyu would’ve wanted.
Chaeyoung closes her eyes, and buries herself in Tzuyu’s pillow, wondering what it felt like for Tzuyu to wake on this bed everytime. And wills herself to cry as she remembers her waking up over and over on that same day.
”She’s my soulmate. Mine. You took her away from me. You—“
And then Elkie starts crying, kneeling in front of Chaeyoung. Gucci would her tears, unconsciously, and Chaeyoung would open her eyes and pats her head, Tzuyu would’ve wanted them to get along. So Chaeyoung would try everyday. Even if Elkie will give her the cold shoulder, even if Elkie would blame her for Tzuyu’s death.
To Once's and Twice, Tzuyu is the one who saves Chaeyoung from a gunshot. Accidentally. She was hugging Chaeyoung, and she got in the way.
To the public, Tzuyu is the muse of Twice’s new album, self-written by Chaeyoung.
but to Chaeyoung... Tzuyu is her heart, her mind... the girl who makes her feel things. (Right now, longing.)
”Sometimes, I would sleep, and wish when I open my eyes, I’ll relive that day. I’ll relive it and maybe... maybe I’ll save her instead. I fell in love every single time too.” She lets Elkie cry, just like she always does. Chaeyoung looks around the room, imagining how Tzuyu would’ve lived. And then she sighs, her lips trembling, “I still love her. I... I know it’s silly... for you and for everyone else. It felt like minutes for the rest of the world, but to me... to me...”
Elkie looks up when she felt tears dropping on her arms. Just like always, the both of them would cry their hearts out, and then for a moment, Elkie would forget she was supposed to hate Chaeyoung.
Before Tzuyu left that day, she told her, “I love Chaeyoung, you’d love her too, right? For me?” Almost like she knows how it’ll end. Elkie should’ve known that was her saying goodbye. She laughed and thought that’s just how Tzuyu is. Just like on every music video, she would gush on Chaeyoung’s parts, urging for Elkie to gush with her.
As she stares at Chaeyoung, she wonders, did Tzuyu love you so much that nothing else matters? What about me? What about her life?
I’ll try, for you. Always for you.
Elkie pulls Chaeyoung’s head and envelopes it in her arms. She lets the girl cry in the nook of her head. As she kisses the side of her head, soothing her with her voice. “It’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.”
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