Story Title: Romeo and Juliet
Story Author: morningteaz
Reviewer: wishful :3

Title: This title is definitely not that creative, since it’s not only very common, but also because it is the title of a novel that is already very well known. I understand that you based your story off of the famous Shakespearean play, but to me, this is reminiscent of titling a story, “Jennifer Brown and the Sorcerer’s Stone” because you based it off of the novel, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” As a writer, it’s part of your duty to be as original as possible, even if you’re basing your work off of something else. However, I can understand your conflict, because coming up with story titles is an issue for me as well.

Taking this all into consideration, I’ve decided to award you 5/10 points. Even though the title isn’t very original at all, it’s easy to see it in a different light. For example, as a fan of Shakespeare’s works myself, when I saw that your story was titled “Romeo and Juliet,” I immediately knew what the story was going to about. This could be a bad thing, but it could also make the reader think, “Oh! I really enjoyed the story of Romeo and Juliet! I think I’ll give this a shot.” It just depends how that particular reader’s mind works. :3

Storyline: The first chapters were quite predictable, especially if you’re familiar with the original Shakespearean play, then you know exactly what’s going to happen. XP Because I was so familiar with the story, it was hard for me to get really into it, since I felt like I knew what was going to happen. And in all actuality, the scene where Yang Hwa meets Joo Hyun is from the 1996 production of Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? The one with Leonardo Dicrapio? The aquarium scene that you included here is the exact same scene used to show Romeo and Juliet’s separate feelings for each other. I find this a very large blow to your originality level…

The one part that stuck out to me because I didn’t recognize it from the original Romeo and Juliet plotline was when it was revealed that Geun Suk was Yong Hwa’s step brother. But for me, it was still kind of predictable. XP

After thinking it over, I feel like I should gift you with 9/20 points for this section. I felt like a lot of it was kind of predictable, and I kinda had to force myself to continue during some points of the story…

Appearance: Just so you know, I think that your poster is absolutely stunning! Total kudos to Raisin, who made it. :3 I think I’ll have to request from her sometime. ;D  I think that the trailer you have for your story is also a very nice touch since I don’t see stories with them very often. However, the same bad grammar that I find in your story is also found in this trailer. XD But I really like your usage of text features such as fonts, colors, and sizes. It’s a really nice touch. Thing is: You had a couple of errors with these text features. For example, at the beginning of chapter two, the beginning of said chapter is written in larger text than the rest of the chapter, and there is no clear reason as to why.

Taking this all in, I’ve decided to score you with a 4/5. This is because it’s very clear that you made an effort to present your story in the best way you possibly could. I’d love to give you the full points, but the grammar was a big turnoff to me, being a grammar buff and all… XD

Writing Style: I noticed that you started off with the words, “Once Upon a Time.” There’s nothing really wrong with that, but I think that it feels a little out of place since you’re trying to create an “angst” story according to your tags. XP When I hear the words “Once Upon a Time,” I immediately think that we’re going to hear a fairy tale or something. Another part of your story that feels out of place occurs in the first chapter, “Yong Hwa then gave some… well okay a lot of money to the guard who actually should checked them whether they bring weapons or not.” To me, that phrasing sounds a little childish. Especially if you’re trying to create an angst story. But as the story progressed, I think that you improved on this considerably.

Also, at the beginning, your chapters seem to be much shorter than I’d like for my liking. ^^;; However, by the end of the story (well, at the end of your list of chapters), they were a much longer length, which I liked.

For this category I think I’ll give you a 6/10. Some of your wording just doesn’t fit with the angst theme that you’re trying to fill up, and (ignoring the grammar) your phrasing of words seems very immature for the story. Typically, angst stories are supposed to be very mature, and some of your wording just didn’t cut it.

Characterization: This is probably the biggest thing that bothered me in Romeo and Juliet, and probably the reason why it’s one of my least favorite Shakespearean plays: Romeo and Juliet (or Yang Hwa and Joo Hyun in this case) meet each other, and immediately fall for each other. I don’t know, that fact was just my biggest pet peeve. I understand that you’re trying to base your story off of the Shakespearean play, but I just feel like you could’ve at least done something to try and make it your own or at least modernize it a little. And if you’re looking at it from that kind of standpoint, which I am, their actions are a little unrealistic.

However, I do like that you made Joo Hyun (or Juliet) a bit more badass-ish. To me, the Shakespearean Juliet couldn’t really do anything for herself, and when she tried to, she screwed it up pretty bad. I like that you modernized Joo Hyun so that she could actually do things for herself. :)

Unfortunately, I don’t really like how you wrote out Yang Hwa. At some parts of the story, he seems like a total badass. And at first, I was convinced that that was his character, and that’s how it was going to be. But then I read this in Chapter Four: [So all you want is a revenge.." He shook his head and hold his forehead. "What a stupid me, I should have realize that in the end we will still hate each other.. That's how the world works!" He felt his heart throbbed to realize what Seohyun want is only a revenge.] Suddenly, the badboy that we saw in the earlier chapters is gone. Where was the guy that had such strong bloodlust? Where was the cocky guy that Joo Hyun met in the first place? I understand that love can change people and all, but I genuinely think that you didn’t develop his relationship with Joo Hyun to that point yet. His ditching of Jessica’s party was a little understandable since we can label his current relationship with Joo Hyun (and vice versa) as infatuation. It’s understandable for someone, when infatuated with another, to only want to be with that person, or no one at all. But his heart throbbing like that all of a sudden, even though they’ve only met each other for a few hours…? XD

Also, in Chapter Five when they’re talking about how Ji Hwan got badly hurt, one of the characters said that it was partially his fault because he was focused on finding Yang Hwa, even though Ji Hwan couldn’t have possibly been that far from him since the two were together. So this gives off the impression that either Yunho is oblivious or Ji Hwan is stupid enough to not call out in pain. >__>

But as the story progressed, I feel like we got a little more insight into the minds of the characters. However, I don’t think it was enough for me. ^^;; Because of this, I think I’ll give you a 6/10.

Story Flow: Your story began right at the action. We weren’t given a real introduction to the many characters of your story, just a quick one in which you stated the easy things that we needed to know. This could be seen as either a good or bad thing: some people like starting off with all the action; but others (like me) prefer to be introduced gradually to the story. Because you dove into the story right away, it was harder for me to really click with it, especially since I wasn’t familiar with any of the characters you chose to use. I was able to follow the plotline easily because I’m very familiar with the story of Romeo and Juliet, but some people might get a little confused. But once the readers understood the gist of the characters, the plot developed quickly… But perhaps a little too quickly for my liking. Taking all of this into consideration, I’ve decided to give you a 6/10.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: Ah, finally: the Grammar Section. XD I understand that English isn’t your first language, and honestly, your English isn’t that bad. You seem to have a large vocabulary for someone who isn’t fluent in the language. :D Most of your mistakes lie in the punctuation department and the differences between past and present tenses of verbs. These errors are littered throughout your story, and to those who are fluent in the language (especially those who are very picky when it comes to grammar), they really stick out. In all actuality, grammar can be enough to make or break a story. For people like me, who are very stingy when it comes to having the best grammar that you can muster, this is the case. I’m sure that you’ve lost at least a handful of readers because of your grammar.

I only used your description/foreword as one example to emphasize my points about your grammar:

Your description itself, though it has a good message and intent, comes off as very awkward for me. I’ve rewritten so that it would look something like this:

“Just like that famous couple of Shakespeare,Jung Yong Hwa and Seo Joo Hyun are two individualswho should hate each other, who should be smiling in glory to wait for the death of one another.

But[removal of comma] what if God has a different plan for them?What if a little thing called love messes with their fate?[They fell for each other and even though their situation is hard, they're still madly in love.] (In my opinion, this sentence is unneeded because the previous question already hints that they’re going to fall in love. It doesn’t seem like much, but since I feel like you’re going for a more mysterious description, I feel like you should leave as much loose ends as possible. XD)

But. . . [removal of comma] will they also have a tragic ending like the famous couple?

Adding in the three dots instead of using a comma adds more of a dramatic effect that would be good for a story such as yours. :3
 

Another example from your foreword: “… the man whom seemed to be the leader of the ambush was the only one breathe.”Not only is the grammar bad, but the sentence itself is also confusing. Earlier, you set the scene as, “…around twenty men tried to kill barely three young men.” I’m assuming by the definition of an ambush that the twenty men were the ones doing the ambush.  So what you’re saying is that the three young men (whose backgrounds in defending themselves was not mentioned, so I can’t really say anything) managed to kill nineteen men whom I assumed should’ve been trained if they were part of an ambush? In the next paragraph, you contradict this, because the leader of the ambush seems to be talking to numerous other people, who, I hope, are all breathing. XD

Another thing! When I first read this paragraph: "Really? Then can you see this thing coming?" Yong Hwa said and put his gun on his head. He pulled the trigger and let the bullet make its way from his skeleton to his brain, shuting down all the nerves as well as his life. Yong Hwa threw the lifeless body, he got up and smiled to the other two young men.” I was confused once more. Because the way you word it makes it seem like Yong Hwa is killing myself, which scared me. XD I’ll elaborate on mistakes like this more in the Grammar Section or in my Advice section, but I think that it’s imperative that you use less pronouns and more proper nouns or regular nouns, especially when you’re writing a scene in which “he” could refer to any of the characters present. XD If you’re not going to use their proper name, then at least make it clear who you’re referring to. In this case, you could refer to the character that’s being shot as “their adversary.”

However, I feel like throughout the advancement of your chapters, you improved slightly. After taking it into consideration, I’ve decided to give you 3/10 points for the grammar section of this review, though I wish that this section could be weighted more… XD

Creativity and Originality: I’ve said it throughout this entire review, so I don’t think I have to emphasize my point that much here: This story wasn’t very creative at all, and in my opinion, the whole thing was very predictable, especially if you’re familiar with the basic storyline of Romeo and Juliet. Because of this, I’m only going to give you 4/15 points in this section.

Overall Enjoyment: I hate to say it, but I didn’t find this story as enjoying as some of the other people out there that are in love with your story. ^^;; It’s not because your story is necessarily bad, but more because stories like this aren’t really my cup of tea. I’ve read Romeo and Juliet countless times, and have just finished an in depth study of the play in my theatre class, so it’s easy to say that to me, the story of Romeo and Juliet feels very repetitive. XP For those who aren’t as familiar with this story, I think they will be able to find it more interesting. Another thing that didn’t really click with me (I mean, it definitely isn’t your fault, but it’s just a reason why I didn’t enjoy your story as much as other readers are enjoying it) were the characters. I’m not very familiar with any of them, as I don’t really like Girl’s Generation and though I like CN Blue, they’re not necessarily one of my biases. For fanfiction stories like this one, I think that that’s really what influences the opinion of readers: the biases. Because I’m not as familiar with these individuals, it made it tougher for me to follow the story, compared to a reader that is in love with both Girl’s Generation and CN Blue. Do you know what I mean?

Because of this, I’m going to rank you as 3/10 here. This story really wasn’t the story for me, but I’m sure that many people out there would enjoy reading it. :)

Reviewer’s Comments and Advice: Hm… I think I covered most of my advice and comments in the actual review above. ^^;; I think that if you were to really work on your grammar and tried to create your own, unique storyline, you would become a much better writer. It takes time and effort, but once you put all of that into it, it’ll be worth it! Keep practicing, and I’m sure you can become better. :)

Sub-Total: 46/100

Bonus Points: +5, because I feel that since none of these characters were my biases, and because I’m overly familiar with the story of Romeo and Juliet than most people, I wasn’t able to judge fairly.

Total Score: 51/100 [Unmarked: I feel like your story could use some improvement.]