Whether it was because of the soft drizzle happening outside or the way the moonlight passes through the soft fabric of the curtains, Dahyun can’t help but think that this is real. It’s been the same. This moment - her feelings are still the same as it was yesterday, the day before that, and the days when she realized about the gravity of falling.

About Sana.

Earlier today, the group had finished one of their scheduled events an hour early, a photoshoot for another magazine that will be featuring them for its release next month. Really nothing special. They drove off to a nearby restaurant after that, only for Dahyun to get caught in between Sana and Nayeon who were engrossed in a subject she doesn’t understand and take interest in. But ​it’s ​Sana. Dahyun can’t help but notice everything about the blonde, especially when she has her body leaning and pressed onto her side so she can hear Nayeon better while Dahyun suffers from the proximity.

Sana doesn’t notice at all.

Sana could’ve just sat beside Nayeon so they could talk properly but, still, she chose not to and stuck beside Dayhun, announcing it before they could even take their proper seats.

Nobody comments on the usual occurrence but everyone ​noticed and had subtly paid attention. ​They didn’t ask many unnecessary questions when they did notice how Dahyun is all bundled up and have to put a front, respect her enough to know their boundaries with the young girl. 

It’s the same when Sana came knocking on Dahyun’s door earlier tonight and asked if she could sleep together with her, not that it was something new or out of the blue because Dahyun had encounters like this before, those of which she can vividly remember.

Dahyun could’ve used the excuse that Chaeyoung and Tzuyu are acting like noisy brats tonight and Sana couldn’t possibly sleep well in their shared room, but Sana always has her way into Dahyun. ​Because she’s Sana. On top of that, Tzuyu and Chaeyoung just had to welcome Sana into their room with open arms and that’s when Dahyun found herself defeated.

They notice it of course given the repeated times this had happened before yet Sana remains the same.

But here they are tonight, they still ended up together. There is so much to feel – from the rise and fall of the blonde’s chest to the muffled pounding in her chest. Dahyun could only sigh.

Dahyun has been alone watching the rain pour outside from the window for an hour now, not a chance that she’s lost with her thoughts because it’s clear as the continuous downpour that all she’s feeling and thinking about right now is Sana, and the way that she’s asleep with her arm wrapped around her waist.

Sana has always been known as the most affectionate one out of them, like it was her natural instinct to cling onto her members. Dahyun could handle that but it’s just the repercussions of having to feel ​so ​ much when Sana does as she pleases.

It could’ve been her mind playing tricks on her or maybe because she’s sleep deprived that asleep Sana is suddenly shifting, slowly her eyes flutter open, moving gradually to sit herself in an upright position in front of Dahyun, a hand coming to cup her cheek and a thumb caressing her cheek in gentle circles.

Through hazy eyes, Sana asks, “Is something the matter, Dahyun?” It sounds so tender; the way Sana speaks to her like she’s lulled into caving in into her touch.

She could’ve said yes. Dahyun could have finally let go of this burden. 

But her answer comes in the form of a slight shake, hoping that Sana would eventually go back to sleep and let her be. But Sana doesn’t do what Dahyun hopes she would, the blonde then rests her head against Dahyun’s chest with her arms now wrapped around her waist. Again, Dahyun is very much reminded of the overflowing feelings she has right now.

It’s just Sana, breathe.

“You’re nervous, Dahyunie.” Sana says in a whisper, trying to fight the sleep that was begging her lids to drop and give it a rest. Dahyun wanted that, for Sana to go back to her peaceful slumber.

“I thought you were sleeping, unnie.” Dahyun simply says, again, in hopes that Sana would get distracted by her question and further not hear the loud pounding inside of her cage. Sana shifts again into a more comfortable position against Dahyun, finding the perfect slot for their bodies to align together.

In a hushed voice, “Let’s go to sleep.” Sana says.

At least Dahyun tries to.

/

Later that week, when Dahyun finally felt free from her own emotions that Chaeyoung came around by the couch and joined her to watch a drama she’s been trying to get back on after their busy schedule.

It’s only 9 PM.

The other girls would be coming home in about an hour or two, earlier than they usually would, which is a blessing they all would always want around. It meant more hours of rest, or at times like this, wasting it on dramas that Dahyun would later regret instead of getting her beauty rest. But Chaeyoung is with her and that’s enough to not feel guilty for now.

“It , doesn’t it?” Chaeyoung prompts as the screen shows a scene that is all too familiar in context for Dahyun. 

Dahyun tries to play it innocently.

“What does?”

This time Chaeyoung points at the screen, shrugs, then describes how much of a pain in the it is to have feelings for someone. It was too much work, too much to think about. Chaeyoung then offers the idea of directly confessing, lessens the burden and gets rid of the uncertainty.

“I don’t know if it’s just me, I think there are times where you can’t be too sure with what you’re feeling. You think it’s right but then it’s not. You get me?”

“Isn’t that the same principle with Descartes? Skepticism and that?”

Chaeyoung makes a face, “No it’s not and stop pulling that philosophy bull on me it’s all subjective anyways! You know I hate that!”

Dahyun shrugs, a small teasing smile plays on her lips. “Same with your science bull.”

In a way, Dahyun does get the point Chaeyoung is trying to get across. Poorly worded but she gets it anyways.

“But I’ve always been sure with mine.” She says.

“You think?” Chaeyoung begs to argue with this one. The night is still young and she’s thinking of knocking some sense into Dahyun. ​God, it’s been 4 years! ​ “You can’t even bring yourself to tell Sana how you feel about her.”

Ouch.

For one, Dahyun’s always been sure (still is) when it comes to Sana, like an unspoken rule of her own. She knows exactly everything deep down, from the start of how she came to like and get attracted to Sana, how it turned from a simple crush to ​actually ​ developing unnecessary feelings for Sana, and how true Chaeyoung’s words are. Dahyun probably has read it somewhere on the internet that it is better that you know how you feel because if so, you know how to act on it rather than turning a blind eye.

“Like that’s easy for me to do.”

“Exactly,” Chaeyoung shrugs.

“But the point here is, when are you going to do so? Four years and what? Totally nothing. It’s like you’re waiting for the apple to fall from the tree.”

Dahyun holds both her arms up in defeat, “No don’t pull that science on me now!”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes. As if Dahyun didn’t just pull the same thing with her earlier. Quits.

“I don’t care if you’re sure with your feelings, all I’m saying is-”

“No don’t you dare!” And Chaeyoung is quick to add, “Oh shut up.”

“In simpler terms so it gets through your head, your relationship or the way things are between you and Sana will remain the same unless you act on it – Descartes my , what is he going to do? Question everything? Think and exist?”

Dahyun is ​not ​in it for tonight to hear Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion. Despite how accurate the analogy is, no, not tonight. Never. She’s had enough of that back in high school.

But she doesn’t try to argue back with Chaeyoung knowing she’ll be pulling more scientific cards on her if she continues. It made sense. Whatever her members have told her before, or at least they try to be somewhat discreet in giving Dahyun advice with her feelings, always made sense. And Dahyun is stubborn (more like a coward but she doesn’t want to admit it just yet) to do something about it.

Chaeyoung leaves after an episode, patting Dahyun on the shoulder before heading in. Dahyun stretches on for another one.

Finally, she was able to take her mind off Sana while watching.

Not long after comes the audible sound of the door getting unlocked, Dahyun is unmoving and focused on the screen in front of her. One by one they lazily filed into the room taking a quick glance at the screen out of curiosity to see what was being shown on screen.

“Have you eaten, Dahyun?” Jihyo comes by the couch, using it to steady herself while taking off her shoes.

There isn’t enough time and space for Dahyun to answer when Sana drops her body next to Dahyun on the couch, wrapping them with what Dahyun supposes is Sana’s blanket from the van – her favorite because it’s velvet and smooth.

“Do you want to eat?” Sana whispers, beating Jihyo to it.

Dahyun sees a brow raised specifically from Jihyo, doesn’t question her, but understands when Jihyo turns her back on them and heads to the kitchen instead. She remembers having leftover food that they could heat up and some side dishes would be good.

But again, there’s a lot to take in as her surroundings grow noisier and disorganized. Jeongyeon and Momo are going over the phone to order food bickering back and forth of what to order, Nayeon’s been loudly pacing around the unit (whatever her business is), just a lot. Her members are suddenly all over the place and she can pick up all the smallest details from them.

(Or she’s turned fully conscious of what’s happening around her now that Sana is invading all of her senses.)

Sana asks again, “Do you want to eat anything?”

Dahyun wants to. She isn’t particularly hungry at the moment but she wants to eat, though not exactly sure of what she wants to have.

“I’ll cook us some ramen if you want? We can watch that drama of yours too while we eat.” Sana suggests.

“I’d love that.”

See? This is one example of Dahyun being sure when it comes to Sana. There’s always a definite answer with her. When in doubt, Sana.

Chaeyoung comes around by the time Sana has finished setting up the pot she used to boil the ramen, two pairs of chopsticks and a few side dishes she heated up after winning the argument with Momo over it, reasoning that she and Jeongyeon called dibs on the side dishes first before Sana. Jeongyeon intervenes and tells Momo to give it up since they were ordering anyway.

Dahyun catches the meaningful look Chaeyoung has thrown to her, “Act on it.”

Comes the hardest part when Dahyun’s attention is all on Sana but ​acting on it, ​the way Dahyun falters into Sana, but all of it is shattered when Jeongyeon and Momo come to sit and eat their ordered food with them scooting closer so they get a view of the screen.

Dahyun wonders how oblivious Sana actually ​is. ​Her members are always supportive but they are always on the sidelines, quiet and only stepping in if needed. If given the chance, they would be the first to push Sana to Dahyun or vice versa, but she never gets it. Or how Dahyun’s little actions always take Sana’s well-being into consideration, be it offering Sana the most comfortable seat inside the van, taking care of Sana when they eat out together, like it never went into Sana’s thought process of what makes Dahyun - Dahyun.

The little things.

Dahyun fears it may be miniscule at this point that Sana won’t be able to see it with the eye. That Dahyun will eventually come to the point where she really has to point it out to Sana.

Will it ever be enough?

“You’ve got some loose hair,” says Dahyun as she tucks it behind Sana’s ear.

It wasn’t necessary for her to do so, but it’s Sana. She doesn’t really need a reason if that’s the case.

“Hey Dahyun are you going to eat your noodles?” Momo asks but Dahyun knew that she already had a set answer seeing how focused Momo is on her bowl.

“You can eat it.” Dahyun replies.

Sana shifts to look at Dahyun, a visible pout on her, “But I made it for you.”

“I’m taking it back then,” Dahyun instantaneously replies, as if Sana’s going to be upset with her, to which Momo huffs in defeat when Sana’s reason is like ​that. It’s always a handful to argue with someone like Sana.

Bitter, Momo chimes in, “You could’ve eaten it rather than playing with Sana’s hair.”

It’s always a childlike fight between Momo and Sana. Who is going to be poutier?

“You’re just jealous Dahyun loves me!”

Here comes the supposedly adult argument.

Jeongyeon snickers, “Yeah, she ​does.” 

Surprise and fear momentarily flash on Dahyun’s eyes, it’s quick to come and go, and Jeongyeon snickers at the hopeless singer.

“I’m hungry Sana, not jealous! Like, get a room if the two of you are just going to hog the living room like this.”

“Like what?” Sana pokes at the hungry Momo, someone who is more irritable when in said state.

“Like the girlfriends that you two are,” Momo rolls her eyes, a spoonful of rice waiting right in front of . Yeah, definitely hungry. “Go cuddle Dahyun somewhere else.”

“Are you a Saida anti now, Mo?” Jeongyeon tries to joke.

“No, I’m hungry.” Momo deadpans.

Seeing that their little argument is now over, Sana snuggles closer to Dahyun and whispers, “Maybe we should go to sleep after this.”

“You’re just getting away from washing our dishes.” Dahyun whispers back, holding back a laugh.

“Maybe?” Sana shrugs, smiling because they are on the same page. “Come on let’s brush our teeth and go to sleep.”

Jeongyeon and Momo never noticed the hidden agenda of Sana and Dahyun walking away.

They didn’t really go to sleep after that. Sana takes it into account to snake her way into Dahyun’s bed yet again. With a couple of pouts and harmless hugs, Dahyun lets her in. Tzuyu and Chaeyoung are already asleep when they come inside.

It feels so ​so ​ familiar to Dahyun.

“Dahyunie,” Sana whines.

“Mm?”

“Your hand.”

“What about my hand?”

“Play with my hair…” Sana whispers into the night, barely audible.

With her left arm serving as Sana’s pillow, Dahyun stretches it outwards, just enough to bend it and play with Sana’s hair, combing through the soft blonde locks, changing from running her fingers through hair to massaging the scalp. A move ​too ​natural for Dahyun at this point.

Dahyun shares the silence of the night with Sana beside her, feeling and concluding that Sana is finally asleep, Dahyun momentarily stops the movement of her hand, tries to stare at Sana’s shadow figure trying to make out whatever she could from someone so beautiful and peaceful.

“Dahyunie,” Said name tenses up as if Sana could see her through the dark. Fortunately, she can’t.

“Something is definitely bothering you,” Sana mentions against Dahyun’s clothed chest. “You haven’t been yourself this past week.”

That was… True, sadly.

“Tell me about it?”

Dahyun resumes playing with Sana’s hair.

“I’m just,” She exhales exasperatedly. “Confused, just confused. Chaeyoung talked me through it, told me to act on it. She even pulled a Sir Isaac Newton on me, you know?”

Sana giggles. “Typical of her.”

“I know! I’m sure now though, not that I haven’t before but I know what to do. It’s concrete now, just waiting for me to actually do it.”

“What’s stopping you then?”

Dahyun shrugs then says, “But I have no clue how it’s going to turn out if I do it.”

This time Sana starts drawing random shapes across Dahyun’s chest. She doesn’t notice. But Dahyun also changes, now playing with the baby hair sticking out behind Sana’s head, shifting from there to her ear, massaging her way through the shift.

“Is this alright?” Dahyun asks.

“Mm. I love it.”

The little things.

“If you don’t mind, what is it exactly that you want to do?”

“Get an answer.” Dahyun simply answers. “But it’s not easy, you know? I want to but I can’t.”

“Questions are meant to be answered, no matter how unsure you are with the kind of answer you’ll be getting.”

“Turning into philosophy, are we?” Dahyun teases, quickly slips her hand to pinch Sana by her cheek.

“That’s what you like,” Sana replies.

“I like you though.”

“Too bad, Dahyunie. I ​like ​you more.”

Surely Chaeyoung would smack her tomorrow morning. Dahyun is sure of it once she breaks this news to her first thing. With the mood so perfect, she could’ve asked right then and there, but Dahyun lets it slide again.

Acting on it is not Dahyun’s thing.

/

Dahyun is not entirely wrong when she does break the news to Chaeyoung the next morning, except she gets hit harder than she thought she would. Not out of violence though, out of the adrenaline hearing what had transpired last night. Chaeyoung is more ecstatic than Dahyun, literally energized from the news that she even gets told off by the members to tone it down, out of Sana’s earshot at least.

“Is that all that happened? Did you tell her that in a serious way or like, just the usual ​‘I like you’ kind of exchange you always do?”

“The latter.” Dahyun bites her lip.

“Oh my god!” Chaeyoung throws her arms up, “You are so hopeless!”

“I know,” says Dahyun in a small voice. “I could’ve done it but-”

“But you’re a useless panicked gay,” Chaeyoung rolls her eyes. “Bet you my insurance that by the time we disband you still haven’t confessed yet.”

"Who's confessing to who?"

They both perk up at Sana's sudden entrance by the kitchen area, awake but barely there. Sana moves around like a ghost, grabs a bowl and a spoon where it's safely kept. Though she is much shorter, Dahyun reaches for the box of cereal at the top cabinet and places it beside the bowl.

"Thanks," and Dahyun gets a free kiss on the cheek by her little act of chivalry.

Little things.

When Sana has her back turned, Chaeyoung gives Dahyun a look.

Chaeyoung can't decipher how Dahyun can stomach this kind of behavior knowing full well of her own feelings towards Sana. That must've been an indicator or a trigger for her to confess her feelings, but Dahyun is Dahyun, and Sana is Sana. Sana is clingy and affectionate to all but Dahyun is an exception as she gets more freebies from Sana like getting to sleep with said girl, cuddle with her, hugs are a little tighter compared to what the other members receive, kisses linger a little longer than they should be, and stares are horribly obvious and overflowing. Dahyun gets all of those exclusivities just because she's Dahyun.

Or in Sana’s simple vocabulary: her Dahyun.

Then a little later when Sana is halfway done with her cereal, she invites Dahyun on the couch. No particular reason for doing so, felt like it and Dahyun always feels warm against her.

“What’s up?”

Sana pulls Dahyun in for a hug, burying her face to her neck. She mumbles against white skin, “You left me in bed.”

It was awkward for Dahyun to be honest. She can feel at the back of her head that Chaeyoung is judging her for being so pliant and weak when it comes to a certain Japanese. It also doesn’t help that she starts hearing slippers and feet marching back and forth in the room. Nayeon stops by the kitchen counter where Chaeyoung is at and chimes, “What are they being so dramatic about this early?”

Jihyo arrives in no time and makes a bee line beside Nayeon, stealing a scoop of cereal from her bowl. “Bad case of Sana fever?”

“Do you really have it call it that, unnie?” Chaeyoung looks unamused. “They’re always so clingy and icky and god what the hell why are they still not confessing to each other? It’s getting tiring to see them play push and pull.”

“It’s Kim Dahyun and Minatozaki Sana that we’re talking about. Is it any news that they’re still friends?” Jihyo claims before stealing another spoonful from Nayeon’s bowl.

Nayeon tells Jihyo to get lost if she’s not going to stop eating her food, dragging the bowl to the other end of the kitchen counter. She finally scoops one for herself.

“But it’s been years!” Chaeyoung emphasizes.

“Hey, we’re just here to support each other and not into other people’s business okay? If Dahyun doesn’t want to toughen up then that’s on her.”

Nayeon gives Jihyo a look, not satisfied with her answer and reasoning. “But don’t you think it’s a waste? What if they like each other? What if they’re each other’s happy ending?”

“You say it like we’re in some sappy romantic movies,” Jihyo says as she steals another spoonful. “If they are then time will tell.”

“Four years.” Chaeyoung reminds the group.

Maybe Jihyo is right. Maybe she isn’t. Who knows?

Kim Dahyun might as well be the cowardliest person out there to ever exist but as long as she gets there on time then it’s worth the wait. That if ever Sana returns her feelings and things don’t go south, maybe she won’t be spending her nights troubled by her own problems.

That in the little things she does for Sana will come into fruition.

That in every lie she tells Sana is an attempt to tell her how much she loves her.