I am happy.

How do I know this for a fact? I don’t know. I just do. I know I am.

I smile ear to ear. I laugh so loud everybody started judging me. I once sang my heart out of happiness and hurt my throat.

That’s enough sign I’m happy.

When people say hurtful words, my smile doesn’t fade. When people laugh at me, I laugh with them. People look at me making a fool out of myself and laughed along.

See, I even make people happy by being happy.

It’s a good thing.

Even when I feel my chest hurting, even when my eyes become misty, even when my throat hurts from holding back the tears, I can still smile.

It doesn’t affect me.

I smile all the time.

I laugh non-stop.

If that isn’t the definition of happy, then I don’t know what is.

I’m happy—

—right?

I’m supposed to be happy— yet my shoulders feel so heavy.

Why am I dragging myself just to walk back home?

Why can’t I lift my head high?

I’m smiling, but why isn’t my chest warm?

Felt like a thousand needles are pricking my chest all at once. It’s hard to breathe. It’s both burning and freezing at the same time inside. I want to go home, throw myself onto the floor, hoping it’d ease this.

Come on, let’s get home.

But each step I take, the next becomes heavier and heavier.

I’m dragging myself, yet it’s so unbearable.

Ah, my eyes are misty. I wonder why?

I don’t want to go on. It hurts to go on.

But I’m happy.

I should be able to go on.

I can do everything if I’m happy. Isn’t that right? That’s how it has always been.

Just smile, it will all go away, right—?

I stopped walking. I stood there silently, raised my head, and stared blankly into the night sky. There were no stars, probably hidden by the dark clouds. It’s dark and I felt like I was staring into the abyss. It’s drawing me into it deeper and deeper.

The moment I came back to my senses was when I felt the sensation of the raindrops slowly dripping down onto my cheeks.

It’s cold.

I hung my head back down, trying to prevent the rain from falling down to my face.

It didn’t take long for the rain that started light to fall heavily. The back of my head felt very, very heavy.

I should get going, yet my feet wouldn’t even move.

Suddenly, I felt the muscles on my mouth starting to loosen up. It bended down.

Ah, now I’m losing my smile. What’s happening to me? I’m supposed to be happy.

For my whole life I’ve been happy. Yet why is it just now when I realised how tiring it is to be happy?

I’m exhausted. It’s so draining.

Why is being happy so tiring?

The world doesn’t turn pink no matter how hard I laugh. Where are the butterflies in my stomach? I smiled for hours, but I feel nothing but pain.

Has happiness always been this painful?

“Chaewon,”

I heard a voice, a familiar one, calling my name.

Oh, it’s your voice.

I don’t need to look back to know it’s you.

What even are you doing here? Did you follow me? Since when? It’s raining cats and dogs. Go home, don’t get sick, don’t mind me.

I stood still. Didn’t even want to turn my back and face you. At least not in this state. No, not like this.

I should only face you with a smile. I should greet you while laughing like I always do. I can’t look at you in the eye like this.

Then I heard steps. It’s coming in closer. Even though it should’ve been muted by the rain alone, for some reason I could hear it clearly. Why are you approaching me?

The weight on the back of my head suddenly was gone. The heavy rain that poured down was suddenly no more. It’s not like the sky cleared up suddenly as I can still hear the raindrops. I slightly raised my head and saw a big red umbrella over my head, protecting my already wet body.

How weird. What a weird feeling.

I have the sudden urge to turn my back, run to you, and just sink into your embrace.

It’s not like I’ve never done that before, but this time, it felt like I needed to rather than wanted to.

Unexplainable. I can’t understand. But one thing I know right now at this moment, I just want to feel okay.

While still facing the other way, I opened my mouth, trying to make way for the voice I held back deep in my throat. It’s been there for a while now, the urge to call your name.

Ah, it hurts.

I never knew it hurts this much to hold back tears before.

My voice was shaking, I can’t even let out a proper voice without it cracking. But even so— I want to.

“…Minju…”

See, nothing but a whisper. A whisper that was quickly muted by the rain.

How pathetic.

I can’t even call out for your help.

I got so mad at myself. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist hard. The fact that you of all people had to see this side of mine. I hate it.

Probably out of anger and shame, the tears I’ve been holding back for a while started flowing down. My whole body shivered, could be because of the cold weather or something else, I don’t know, I can’t tell. I can’t think straight.

It’s streaming down my face non-stop, but I didn’t bother to wipe it off because my face was already wet to begin with.

It took a lot, everything in me, to find the courage to even turn my back. Slowly, I turned and faced you.

Our eyes met.

Ah, you really have beautiful eyes, Minju. But why are they looking so sad? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s not good…

Did I hurt you, Minju?

I’m sorry.

I really am sorry, Minju.

See, concealing my feelings is supposed to be my top speciality. I’m always okay in front of anybody else. Why am I not when it’s with you, though?

Here I am, standing in front of you, looking so pathetic and weak. Come, look at me, Minju. Consider yourself privileged. I only allow myself to be like this with you, after all.

We stood quietly under the same umbrella. None of us said anything. There’s just me, you, and the silent rain.

Why aren’t you saying anything, though?

Oh-

You’re taking a step closer. Still holding onto that sad expression, you took one more step closer.

What is it?

What is in your mind, Minju?

I can’t understand if you don’t tell me.

“Chaewon,”

That’s the second time you called my name.

I can’t even hide it. The relief I felt in my heart whenever I hear you call my name. I closed my eyes, pressed my lips against each other, and eventually hung my head back down.

The moment you came close enough, I gave in to the urge to fall into your arms. I just let myself fall, because I know you would catch me. I know you, after all.

You used one of your hand to hold the umbrella still so it would cover the both of us. While the other one supported my whole body. Slowly your hand made it to my back. You drew circle onto my wet clothes.

It didn’t take long until I finally moved my arms and wrapped you with it. I held you tight and snuggled into your chest.

It’s warm.

Even in the middle of the cold rainy night, my chest feels warm the moment I’m in your arms.

It feels nice to feel like this once in a while.

Neither of us said anything. This whole night, what came out of our mouths were nothing but each other’s names. Oh well, words can’t comfort me anyways. This is better.

Ah, I was not happy after all.

But I sure am now.