Sitting here with my thoughts in a bottle

Every time I take a sip, I'm reminded of you

Like how you been?

Wait a minute, what am I doing?

It feels different when you're not around

“Crack!” Leeteuk twisted the cap off a soju bottle as he sighed emphatically. He set the cap onto the countertop with a thud, before pulling a single shot glass close to him. He stared at the tiny dog bed right at the entrance of his living room where Shimkoong laid, fast asleep. Usually on nights like these, Shimkoong would be awake and keep him company, but tonight it seemed like his daughter was tuckered out and wanted to rest. So, Leeteuk had to resort to other methods to chase away the feelings of loneliness that were bubbling up inside of him. He rarely drank, but tonight was a quiet night, and Leeteuk felt that he deserved, no, needed this.

He delicately poured the soju into the shot glass, the soft glugging of the soju hitting the walls of the small cup soothing to Leeteuk’s ears. His heart felt overly heavy and he just needed this slight respite. Even if he detested the taste of it, he was hoping that this would help him drown his sorrows. He tried flinging himself into work, solo project after solo project, schedule after schedule, meeting after meeting, whether for his own work or for his group, whether with his fellow members, or alone, he did it all. He spent all his free time on hobbies, exercising, cooking, cleaning, all to distract himself, but to no avail. But nothing seemed to alleviate that ache in his heart, especially when he laid in bed with Shimkoong atop his chest, the silence in his bedroom amplifying the pain he held. 

Once the cup was filled adequately, Leeteuk placed down the bottle before knocking back the shot hurriedly, gulping down the smooth liquid as quickly as possible. The liquid didn’t burn but left a warm feeling in the back of his throat. He hated the feeling of being drunk, despised the loss of motor skills and coherency, but he had had enough of lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling until the wee hours in the morning, his thoughts booming in his quiet bedroom. Nothing seemed to be able to take his mind of worries, past events, regrets. 

As Leeteuk poured another one out, his mind continued to wander. It wasn’t that Leeteuk wasn’t doing well career-wise, far from it. Super Junior was still doing pretty decently after many years, still being able to maintain its popularity and status as one of the leading K-pop groups. He himself had plenty of jobs and job offers. Financially, he was doing alright. Physically, he had finally gotten back to a healthy BMI after his gallbladder removal surgery two years ago after working really hard to gain back his muscle mass. But emotionally, Leeteuk was a mess. He had years of baggage on his shoulders and metric tonnes of weight on his heart, with no one to unload them to, or at least, he used to have someone to unload them to. 

Leeteuk shot back another glass quickly, letting out a guttural sigh as he felt his thoughts drift further. Back then, he had one person who he could turn to without fear, one person he could share all his struggles and frustrations, one person who gave him a shoulder to cry on. But now, that one person was no longer around. Already, it was difficult to gather with all the members, but now, when he didn’t even show up for group activities, Leeteuk could barely remember the last time he saw Heechul. Leeteuk felt the dull ache in his heart turn sharp as he thought back to the old times he had with Heechul a few years ago. How he yearned to go back to those times…

Never thought that this would be us

I feel a way, I feel a way, baby

I was fighting but you gave up

Now you feel a way, you feel a way

And I

“I think I will stop here, Teuk-ah.” 

Leeteuk felt these six words pierce straight through his heart six times. His throat went dry as he just blinked dumbly at Heechul. 

“What?”

“I don’t think I can go on any longer in Super Junior, Teuk-ah. I feel like a burden.” Heechul confessed softly as they stood at the corner of a corridor, their voices hushed whispers in case anyone could overhear them. Heechul looked down at his feet as Leeteuk’s gaze fell upon him. Leeteuk had pulled Heechul away from the meeting room earlier as they both had arrived before the agreed meeting time. Heechul had texted him saying that he wished to talk with Leeteuk about something so Leeteuk decided that there was no better time than right then. He was now regretting that. How the hell am I going to go back to that meeting and act like everything is fine when Heechul wants to leave Super Junior?

“Chul, you’re not a-” Leeteuk was interrupted by Heechul’s hand reaching out, palm facing out and gesturing for Leeteuk to stop. 

“Listen to me first, Teukie. My leg condition has been worsening over the years. I can’t stand on stage for a long time, I can barely perform songs with you all. I’m just leeching off your earnings when I barely pull the weight for the team, I think it’s time for me to let go,” Heechul whispered resignedly. Leeteuk watched on, feeling a sense of despair wash over him.

“Chul-ah, no. You’re not a burden at all, what do you even mean by this?” Leeteuk felt his voice rise slightly along with the anxiousness in his heart, his pulse speeding up rapidly. Leeteuk had to watch their team reduce in size over the years, each drop in number a sword to his heart, he couldn’t bear another one, especially this dagger. 

“Teuk! I feel so guilty. I don’t think this is right at all, I feel garbage, like I’m doing you and ELFs wrong. I don’t contribute enough, what do I give to Super Junior? I can’t even dance on stage for a full three minutes for stage promotions, I can’t do anything.” Heechul’s own voice also increased with a few decibels as he poured out his inner feelings to Leeteuk.

Leeteuk felt a sting in his eyes as Heechul threw this sudden confession at him. Leeteuk was not expecting this conversation when Heechul texted him asking if they could discuss something. He was at a loss of words, not knowing how to respond to Heechul.

“Look, Teukie, I’ll always be a part of Super Junior, but I won’t be an active member. The scandals I get dragged into smear Super Junior’s name, if I leave, it’ll be the end of all of that too-”

“Shut up!” Leeteuk barked out. “The tabloids are always watching, waiting for us to screw up, that is just another excuse, like everything else you said!” Heechul sighed out, as though he was expecting Leeteuk to react in this manner, but of course Leeteuk would. He loved all s dearly, and Heechul… Heechul was Leeteuk’s only friend. As the years passed, Leeteuk found the only constant in his life to be Heechul, fair-weathered friends came and went, but Heechul stayed through it all, and for Heechul to want out…

“Listen, Teuk-”

“No! I need you to listen, Kim Heechul. You are not a burden. You don’t need to do anything for Super Junior, we’ve existed for long enough that fans should understand, the members understand, and I understand.” Leeteuk interjected a bit too passionately before stopping. He felt his eyes moisten as he paused, collecting himself before continuing as measuredly as he could, “I don’t need you to do anything, I just need you to be with me. Even if you perform on stage for only a minute or so, it means the world to me. Just you being with us in the waiting room to play with us and take photos with us, it’s enough.” 

“But Teuk, I still feel guilty-” Leeteuk glared at Heechul for him to stop and allow Leeteuk to continue. 

“Chul-ah, we’re not getting any younger. We don’t really have anyone other friends other than each other, I don’t need you around twenty-four-seven, I just need to know that you’ll be there.” Heechul nodded, these words seemingly assuaged his doubts, but there was still some doubt in Heechul’s eyes. 

“But the fans, the public. What will they say? They will view me as a burden to the group, of no use to the members and you,” Heechul’s voice was small like a boy’s, vulnerable. Leeteuk’s eyes softened hearing these words. 

“Heechul-ah, you’re not a burden, you’re my anchor. Don’t listen to them, they don’t matter. If anyone doesn’t understand you, I will hit them for you,” Leeteuk replied steadfastly, a sincere look in his eyes. Heechul started simpering slightly, his frame shaking with mirth.

“Teuk-ah, don’t actually hit anyone please!” Heechul explained as his patented gummy smile adorned his face. Leeteuk too felt a smile dancing along his lips as his dimple appeared on his cheek. 

“I won’t, but no matter what, you’re always a member of Super Junior, alright?” Leeteuk asked seriously. Heechul nodded firmly.

“Always.”

Leeteuk felt his shoulders relax as he patted Heechul’s shoulders and guided him back to the meeting room, his heart feeling slightly more at ease, not knowing that this was the beginning of Heechul slowly becoming out of reach. 

Wanna love you but I know better, better

Wanna kiss you but I know better

I know better baby

Wanna kiss you but I know better

Got me telling all my secrets

Got me in and out my feelings tonight

Leeteuk threw back his third shot of the night as he sat there, wondering if he should have held on tighter. Their relationship was always awkward, but he could have made an effort to reach out more when he still could have. Now, he barely saw Heechul anymore since Heechul no longer actively promoted with Super Junior and was wrapped up in his own shows. Heechul threw himself deeply into variety work from when he stopped promoting actively, pledging to spread Super Junior’s name in a positive light through variety. Leeteuk didn’t doubt it, but at times, whenever he watched clips of Heechul in shows to check up on him, Leeteuk couldn’t help but worry as to whether it was too strenuous for Heechul. 

Leeteuk felt a dull heartache as he thought back to that time he piggybacked Heechul on stage, pledging to carry Heechul if he was ever in pain. Leeteuk would do it ten thousand times even if it caused Leeteuk back problems in the future. Those moments of closeness were few and far between, and now, it was most likely that Leeteuk would never be able to experience them ever again. He should have done more for Heechul, cared more for Heechul, been there more for Heechul, like how Heechul was always there for him.

Now, as the two were so busy with their own schedules, Leeteuk could not even remember the last time the two bumped into each other. Their schedules rarely overlapped, and the already limited number of opportunities for Leeteuk to see Heechul plummeted to the ground. Already, Heechul was too busy to film for Super Junior Returns 4, so how was Leeteuk going to be able to interact with Heechul again?

Whenever Leeteuk would monitor the members’ activities and watch Heechul’s shows, he could barely focus on observing Heechul’s performance as he’d be too busy attempting to tamp down his feelings of longing to see Heechul again. He missed his flamboyant and boisterous presence, missed his witty comebacks, missed the moments where Heechul would be tender, missed the times Heechul would look out for him, he just missed Heechul. But there was nothing that Leeteuk could do now. 

Heechul was flying high with all his solo projects and various gigs, barely having any time for anything else. There was no way that he’d have time for Leeteuk. Their relationship was always that they would be there for each other in times of need, but other than that, they would rarely interact. Heechul probably couldn’t be bothered with Leeteuk at the moment as he had so much going on for himself at the time, so how would Leeteuk even attempt at reaching out? Should I even try? I know better than this. I’d just annoy him, be nothing but a hindrance and distraction. 

Who was wrong, who was right?

Doesn't matter

It'll fade over time

It was what I tell myself

Hit decline on my line when you call now

I'm distant, it's different with you, oh whoa

Leeteuk wondered how they became so awkward around each other. Yes, they had their rare moments where they could have heart to heart conversations, and they were always honest with each other, but other than that, they could barely have a minute of casual conversation. In their pre-debut days, they used to be able to joke about anything under the sun, talk about any topics without hitches, what had happened?

It was after Incheon Battle, when things started to change. Leeteuk snorted as he thought back to 2010, where Leeteuk explo