Jungeun knew her friends would hate her for this.

How many chances has it been now? Ten, twenty, hell, maybe even a hundred? Jungeun used to pride herself on not giving anyone second chances, on only needing herself, but here she was giving them out like free samples. Because it was Jinsoul. And , for Jinsoul she’d ache over and over.

So she let Jinsoul in. Another foolish mistake her heart will solely pay for.

“I know I shouldn’t be here,” came a voice all too familiar to Jungeun. One she’s spent countless hours trying to forget but never could. “I just- I need--”

“What?” Jungeun forced her voice to be cold. Unaffected. All a lie, of course. When it came to Jinsoul, , Jungeun couldn’t be anything but ruined.

“Please. Look at me.” Her words were soft, almost a whisper, as soft as her gaze that kept flitting down to Jungeun’s lips. “Can I kiss you?” There was a slight rasp to them that made Jungeun shiver. “One last time. That’s all I need. Then I-- Then I’ll go. I swear.”

Jungeun gulped. She’d heard those words before. Both of them knew that ‘one last time’ was just a promise neither of them could fulfil. They always crawled back to each other in the end.

“Do you ever mean the things you say?” The words Jungeun mustered didn’t sound as bitter as she wanted them to be, her hurt betrayed in her wavering voice.

“I know you still love me,” Jinsoul said plainly. It was as if she didn’t even hear Jungeun and merely recited the words she needed to say. Jinsoul always knew how to do that. Always knew exactly what to say or do to make Jungeun crumble, to have her way with the younger girl’s heart. “And you know I love you too. But, well, you deserve more. So, as much I want to stay, as much as I want to pull you into my arms and pretend we never fell apart- that I never hurt you… I can’t do that to you.”

“Then leave.” Jungeun pleaded with the last of her strength. “Please.” She knew that it would just take a single word for all her resolve to come crumbling down, a single step, a single gesture. If Jinsoul didn’t walk out that door in the next few seconds, she already knew she’d let Jinsoul do whatever she wanted.

A single step. Jinsoul turned away, apparently having listened to Jungeun’s wishes for once. Hurt flashed in Jinsoul’s eyes, her intense regret evident, a feeling Jungeun herself knew all too well. Jungeun let out a breath but she couldn’t tell if it was of relief or--

Jungeun’s arms reached out without her telling them to. Pulling Jinsoul closer, a plead, please don’t go, not again. She spun the older girl around, wrapping her arms around Jinsoul’s frame. Jinsoul felt smaller. Either Jungeun had forgotten what it felt like to hold her (impossible) or… or Jinsoul had lost weight because she wasn’t eating. Jungeun gulped at that implication, the guilt swallowing her up inside, her hand grasping desperately at the side of Jinsoul’s sweater. She tugged the fabric, hoping Jinsoul could sense her silent message. 

I’m here, I’ve always been here. You don’t have to miss me. I’m not going anywhere.

Jungeun tucked her face into Jinsoul’s neck. The tears she’d been holding back stung at her eyes, soaking into Jinsoul’s sweater. Jungeun shook, as wavering as her thoughts, as Jinsoul wrapped her arms around her. Keeping her stable, grounded. She held Jungeun close and Jungeun felt her heart seize up.

“Shh shh, it’s okay,” came Jinsoul’s soothing voice, her hand up and down Jungeun’s back. “I won’t go. Not if you don’t want me to.”

Both of Jungeun’s hands balled up Jinsoul’s sweater, pulling her in close, closer, as if Jinsoul could never be close enough, as if Jungeun couldn’t breathe without her.

“Please,” Jungeun gasped out, voice raspy. It almost felt like the first time she ever spoke, confusion as to what she actually wanted to express muddling her thoughts. “Please don’t, I- I need--”

Warm lips pressed against her forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours.” The words mumbled against Jungeun’s skin finally let her relax, muscles loosening in Jinsoul’s grasp.

Jungeun let go of Jinsoul’s clothes after a breath, pulling back to look into Jinsoul’s eyes. Her gaze was so worried… Jungeun almost hated herself for worrying Jinsoul so much, tinged with a secret thrill that Jinsoul still cared so deeply about her. 

Jungeun’s hand darted up. She wanted to cup Jinsoul’s face, tell her not to worry. Wanted to pull Jinsoul in again, to be selfish. She hesitated, not sure she’d be able to handle Jinsoul’s soft cheek against her palm. Her fingertips brushed over Jinsoul’s lips, her eyes fixed on them. Pink and plump. Jungeun wondered if it’d feel exactly how she remembered - if Jinsoul’s lips were still as soft and sweet, if her dreams where she gave in and kissed the older girl breathless could ever match up.

“Jungeun-”

Their lips had locked a thousand times before but none of them ever felt like this. An icy chill filled Jungeun’s veins - the thrill of doing what you know is bad for you. But at the same time, a fire roared in the pit of her stomach, yearning for more. That part of her that clung to Jinsoul, that craved her madly, it never left. She could feel it crying out inside of her, willing her to kiss more deeply, to grasp at Jinsoul’s bare skin, to close her eyes tight and just feel.

The world fell away, there was nothing more to existence than the pair of them. Jungeun swore she could hear both of their hearts beating in tandem. There was no space in between them. Just open mouths sighing each other’s names.

I shouldn’t be doing this, I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t, I’m only breaking my heart again-

Jinsoul pulled away, Jungeun’s lipstick smeared on the side of her lip. She tucked a strand of Jungeun’s hair behind her ear, tender, staring deep into her eyes.

“Are you sure?” 

Jungeun knew what the question meant. It meant that Jinsoul really would go if Jungeun told her to. That, if Jungeun didn’t want this for certain, Jinsoul would be out of her life for good this time. Jinsoul’s words said one thing but her arms were still tight around Jungeun’s frame. Neither of them were prepared to let go, as much as they kept saying that’s what they wanted.

And with that realisation, Jungeun had never been more sure in her life.

Her arms went up, wrapping around Jinsoul’s neck this time, smiling genuinely for the first time in too long. “I’m sure.”

She kisses Jinsoul, harder this time.

If this is the last time, then she’ll make sure neither of them ever let go again.