It was an ordinary lecture filled day when I first saw you.

Inside that dimly lit lecture hall where countless fluttering eyelids fought against the heavy weight of their eyes in order to stay awake through the monotonous droning of the lecturer. Me included.

You walked in through the front entrance of the room with a light swing of the door, barely making a sound, yet the sudden brightness coming from outside had already announced your entrance. Many, including me, turned to your sudden entry but soon lost interest and returned their attention back to the lecturer barely twenty minutes into the two-hour lecture.

I, on the other hand, was transfixed. I saw you meekly walking up to a table with people you knew, greeting them with a small bow before squirming past occupied seats until you reached yours- an empty seat right next to the wall. My notes were left forgotten as I struggled to return my focus back to the lecturer instead of you. Your light brown hair was like a lighthouse, calling my eyes back to you. Even from where I was sitting and my poor eyesight, I had already known that you were beautiful.

From that day on my eyes constantly searched for traces of you whenever I was on campus. At the bus stop, at lecture halls, in the cafeteria, even in the toilet. I looked for you everywhere. But you were hard to find.

I had no idea that I had developed a crush on you. I always played it off as a longing to become your friend. I struggled with this for years to come. Convincing myself that I’ve always wanted to be your friend first before my feelings developed into something else.

I didn’t see you again until after our exam. It was through a mutual friend that I was finally able to know your name.

Kwon Yuri.

I was never the best with names (I still am) but yours was one that I couldn’t easily forget. It was also the very first time we had interacted. I had been a nervous wreck when I finally saw you up close. Your hair colour had changed but you were still as pretty as I knew you’d be. I had to remind myself to look away before you noticed me staring for too long. Our first encounter didn’t last too long. We soon parted ways to enjoy our semester break- it was our last exam after all, we were all eager to go home.

The next I saw you was after the break, inside a small room of twenty, buzzling and ready to learn. My eyes caught sight of your hair first before I noticed the rest of you as you made your way a few tables away from me. I had quickly turned away looking as if I was interested at the models decorating the room. I didn’t want you to know that I was looking at you, nor the fact that I had noticed your presence ever since you had stepped foot into the room.

For weeks we had the same class. You sat at another table, usually sitting with people you knew or wherever a seat was available, but as the weeks crawled by I noticed that you were now an aisle away from me. I refused to think that you were slowly working your way to my table.

Then one day you plopped your heavy textbook down and sat in front of me. I had no idea what to do, what to say.

Should I say ‘Hi’ and act as if I remembered her? Of course I did, you never left my mind.

Or do I say nothing and act as if she didn’t exist? Acting as if you didn’t exist was definitely easier than greeting you.

So I sat there and didn’t acknowledge your presence like the useless gay that I was.

Another semester passed without the two of us acknowledging each other. Although we did see each other from time to time and once on the train home, but the two of us were both too shy to do anything about it (You later admitted that you had noticed me and ended up losing your chance when I quickly left for my stop).

There was a particular class that I dreaded. I didn’t know anyone. Sooyoung and Tiffany had a different schedule, and I had no other acquaintances other than those two. I hadn’t noticed that you were yet again in the same class as me. I was too busy mulling over the fact that I only had two friends in the whole campus.

You had grabbed me to your side as soon as I entered, excited to see a familiar face as you too weren’t familiar with anyone else in the class. I had been left speechless at that point. All of my senses had honed on to the feeling of your hand still grasping my arm. I couldn’t hear anybody else other than your voice conveying how happy you are that you now had someone you knew with you. I was too, but I was still awed at how I was standing so close to you that I almost forgot to reply back.

From then on we were inseparable in that class. We talked about nothing and everything despite knowing that we should be revising the content our tutors had given us like everybody else. I should’ve known better, but I chose to talk with you rather than listen to middle aged men droning on about the function of cells (I still would). I looked forward to seeing you in that one class we shared, I would struggle to find the right clothes to wear just so I looked presentable in your eyes. We only saw each other once a week after all; it didn’t hurt to dress out of my very casual wear on days that I saw you.

We were a weird duo. We only saw each other once a week and didn’t ask for each others social media until we were halfway through the semester.

It took us longer to exchange numbers.

Eventually it was you who had invited me out so that we could spend more time with each other outside of books and deadlines. I had accepted it without thinking twice. I had ransacked my closet and turned my room into a war zone just so I could pick the perfect outfit. I wanted to look equal to you when we walked around the city. I was doing it for you.

You had always looked stunning whenever I saw you in your casual outfit. I struggled to look away from you the moment I saw you at our meeting spot, your makeup had looked different than usual and you had slightly curled your hair. I wanted to think that you had done all of that for me, but I pushed those traitorous thoughts aside and once again reminded myself that we were meeting as friends- that I only wanted to be friends with you, nothing else.

That became our new routine. We would find ourselves in the same class, partner up with each other, politely message each other about class content (filled with lots of emojis), and occasionally meet outside and have a meal together. I loved it. I loved hanging out with you. I loved getting to know you and becoming good friends with you despite only really knowing each other for a few months. At one point I had thought that we were destined, soul mates even. We had instantly clicked the moment we had exchanged more than two sentences.

The more I got to know you the more the longing grew. The more I saw you the more it grew. The more we talked. The more hugs we shared. I was falling. But I knew I shouldn’t. You were already in a relationship. I knew way before you told me, when I had a look into your social media account, but I acted as if I didn’t know.

At that point I knew you as much as you knew me. I knew that my feelings were futile and yet it kept growing. I had already known that you were never going to see me in that way, so I decided to let go of my feelings because I treasured our friendship more and that I knew you were happy.

It wasn’t easy. But it had gotten better. It took me months to finally see you away from that light, to see you in another perspective.

But it was at that point that your relationship became rocky. You sought ways to cope from your breakup and I was more than willing to help you go through that rough patch- you had already done so much for me, I wasn’t going to let you go through it alone.

It took you weeks before you finally felt ok. Weeks of you confiding in me about what had happened, the feelings you went through.  I drank with you even though you mostly took care of me as the night went on because I knew it was your way of coping. But I was fine with it. I was still with you and I ended up learning more about you and myself- you always somehow manage to bring out sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

We ended up drifting closer than ever before. We confided in each other and held each other closer, tighter- as if our hugs alone could convey how much the other was valued. I was certain that you had become my best friend.

But with this closeness came the feeling of anxiousness. I had finally learnt to love you as a friend, but the feeling of longing for something more had started to bloom in the darkest parts of my heart.

I got scared- confused. I thought I had already figured out the main cause of why I was so drawn into you. I had spent hours in my head contemplating whether it was just a simple crush. I even googled the types of crushes one could have. I had spent months denying that in someway I had fallen for you. I thought I had finally found the answer, but your presence alone had thrown all the answers out of the window. You were the first person that I had such feelings for after all.

I wanted to move on from you. But,

How could I move on when I become hypersensitive to your touch?

How could I when you call me ‘babe’?

How could I when I’m the one you call when you’re drunk?

Or when I love seeing us together in pictures?

Or when I get to cuddle with you in bed when we're drunk?

Or when I can’t take my eyes off of you whenever you have makeup on or not?

Or when I get jealous when you hug somebody else other than me…

I get scared whenever these emotions run rampant inside me. I don’t want you to see- to know- the secret that I’ve been hiding away from you. I don’t want you to look at me differently or walk away from my life because of what I feel for you. I don’t want you to know that I imagine what it would be like to be the one holding you. To be the one holding your hand, and go on dates as something more than friends.

Parts of me want more, but I don’t want to be selfish. Especially not when you are once again in a relationship. You don’t know the turmoil I feel whenever I see you two together. You will never know how much I wish it was me instead. You will forever see me as your best friend because that is the one thing that I will not give up on. I can move on, I can learn to move on past these feelings, but I don’t want to lose what we have.

I will still be able to hold you, take care of you, go on dates with you, and even tell you that I love you. But I know and accept that there will be nothing more behind these gestures. I won’t be able to give you what they can, but you will always have a piece of my heart.

It might take me months or years to finally be content staying by your side as only your friend, but I hope that I can finally let these feelings go and finally be able to wish you all the happiness that you deserve with them without the bitterness lingering in my mouth.

You will forever be special to me.

I’m letting you go so that I can finally move on from you and finally be able to tell you that I love you without the strings attached.

A/N: So there it is... What did you think?

It's definitely a very different story from my usual ones. I'm not gonna lie there are some personal experiences within the story. It's probably why it was easier to write and didn't take me as long to finish compared to the others.

(Tag yourself I'm the useless gay)

I hope you guys enjoyed my newest addition! I hope I didn't break any hearts along the way (mine honestly broke a couple of times writing this). Thank you for taking the time to read this! Let me know what you guys think! I appreciate and love reading your thoughts on my stories!

Finally, thank you to all who commented, subscribed and even upvoted my stories! I highly appreciate it!

I hope you guys take care and stay healthy. I'll see you guys when I upload a new story!