'Congratulations on your marriage,' is what I should have said. 

'Congratulations on being able to marry,' is what I say. The awkward silence following is all my fault. 

Changmin is the first one to speak.

'What?'

I can't blame him, I would be as well, shocked if someone said that to me. We’re at a club, it’s a secluded place, and not many people here could recognise us. There’s me and Yunho and two of Changmin’s friends, it’s a small gathering among friends.

'Oh, I meant,' I try to correct my mistake, 'congratulations on getting married.' I sound a bit stupid and probably like I'm really drunk. Changmin’s friends don't look impressed, I wouldn’t be as well if I were them. Yunho’s glass has stopped halfway to his mouth and his face is frozen in an unreadable expression. I think I feel as confused as they look, I did not intend to say those words. 

'Jae—'

And there it is, like the voice of a father, Yunho’s condescending tone. I close my eyes and wish for it to be over, can we go back to ten seconds ago?

'Well, it's not like you're wrong exactly,' Changmin says as he picks up his glass. He's trying to break up the weird mood and I get it, I would try as well. 'Are you that drunk? Or are you getting old? You're talking nonsense every day.' 

'Yeah, I guess I am,' I give out a short laugh. There’s not much that I can say, I can only hope Yunho will leave it at that.

'Jae.'

But of course Yunho’s not letting go. Nothing ever is simple with him. 

'What?'

'I think we need to talk.'

I down my drink and almost choke on it. I should have known better than to come here today. 

'Do we? I don’t think we do,' I put my glass down on the table. 'It’s not that deep, just a silly joke. Why can't you let me live for once?'

I rub at my eyelids. Why is Yunho so annoying? He’s too intense for a relaxing evening. 

'Jae.'

'Fine,' I groan as I look at him. Why do I always have to suffer like this? Changmin puts his glass down and turns to look at Yunho with a serious expression. 

'Jae is right, don’t be too serious. Cheer up and have a drink.'

'This is not about you, Changmin.'

'Considering that this is my party, I think it has to do at least something with me.'

They both are making it only worse and I have to stop this stupid situation. 

'Ok, no,' I put myself in the middle, 'let's not do this, it's not the time or place. Changmin, get us some more drinks and Yunho, let’s have that little chat.'

I do not want to but what choice do I have? Yunho is going to sulk all evening long.

'You don’t have to if you don’t want to.'

'I want to,' I say and get up. Changmin gives me a thoughtful look before he turns back to his friends. He knows better than to try and stop us, nobody can when we’re like this.

—

'So what did you want to talk about?'

The sky is dark and uninspiring. It makes me think of a patch of ink, spilled on the surface, impossible to clean up. 

'Are you unhappy with something?' Yunho asks. It's the first thing that he asks.

I shake my head and lean against the wall, letting myself feel the cool air. I can’t believe he's still so dramatic, I thought that we were past that point. Dramatic but also somewhat predictable, I should have known it would come to this. 

'Is this why you dragged me out here in the cold? To ask me how unhappy I feel?'

That seems to take Yunho aback and he hesitates before he speaks again.

'It’s summer, you’ll get over it, besides I didn’t say you're unhappy. I just wanted to understand why you said what you said. You know Changmin’s not responsible for the situation that we are in.’ 

'Yeah, yeah, I know that,' I mutter as I look away. 'I didn’t mean to bring the mood down, I wasn't thinking much when I said those words.' 

'Not something I'm unfamiliar with.'

'Ah, really, you’re one to speak.'

Yunho's mean but it's not like it's the first time, and I can't really be angry with him. I gave up on that long time ago, once I realized he didn't care. 

'I want to smoke,' I say with a sigh and Yunho takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. I told him I was trying to quit and he told me I won’t be able to.

'Nobody’s stopping you from smoking.'

'You really have no faith in me.'

I take one stick out of the packet and look at it in my hand. It feels so foreign, it’s been a long time, I knew Yunho was right from the start. 

'Light?'

'What? Do you think I'm a dragon? Of course I need a light from you.'  

I would cry if I was the type to do so but instead I watch Yunho rummaging through his pockets. He takes the stick out of my hand and lights it up before pressing it between my lips. I inhale deeply and feel my lungs burning, I had forgotten how badly it hurts.

'So?'

'So.'

'I’m waiting for my answer.'

I do not have an answer to give. I take another deep breath and almost choke on the smoke.

'Are you unhappy? You can tell me. If you want to break up--'

'I don't want that.'

I stop myself from speaking any further. I'm stalling and we both know why that is. When I was younger, I used to say everything that was on my mind, even if I didn't mean it. We broke up and got back too many time, way too many times to count. 

'I’m... not unhappy, I don’t want to break up. I’m just wondering that maybe...'

'Maybe what?'

'That maybe this time you want to break up? End it here once and for all?'

I'm not sure I'm ready for this conversation but now that I've started I have to bring it to an end.

'And why would I want to do that?'

'Because... you know why,' I tell him, annoyed. The back of the club is a secluded place, hidden away from curious eyes. It’s too dark to see what we’re doing, even if someone was to watch us here. I look at the ground before I realize Yunho's still waiting, so I exhale the smoke in his face. 

'Stop that.'

'Make me.'

'Oh I will.'

I smirk when Yunho moves over. The tips of his shoes hit mine. I should probably put a stop to this nonsense but I don't want to so I do nothing.

'I don’t want to break up.'

'Are you sure of that?'

'Pretty sure.'

And then we kiss, Yunho’s lips on mine, it feels nice and familiar and like home. I thought that I would get tired but even after all these years Yunho holds my heart hostage. 

He deepens the kiss, unexpectedly, and takes my breath away with my mind. 

'Yunho—'

'Don’t.'

I fall silent at that and let him kiss me again.

When we part I need a second to rearrange myself, get my heart and my mind under control. I throw the onto the ground and Yunho steals his cigarettes back from me. 

'You really should quit smoking. You’re breathless just from a little kiss.'

'That was a bit more than just a little kiss,' I say, my flush concealed from the sight by the dark. Yunho is leaning against the wall, looking up at the sky.

'I don’t want you to think that just because Changmin’s getting married something is going to change between us. Just because he’s starting a family—'

'You don’t want to have one on your own?'

'Jae.'

'What. You know it's true.'

'You're really worrying way too much.'

I think I'm not worrying nearly enough. How can Yunho be so dense?

'Isn't it only natural that I worry? Didn't you want to have a blissful life? Your upright image-- All the children to raise. All the things you won't be able to do...'

Maybe I am being unfair but at times I'm annoyed about what we can't have. 

'Isn't that what you always say? On all the shows that you appear in on TV.'

'You know there are certain things that I'm expected to say to keep up my image.'

'Oh? So you don't mean any of them?' I press my fingers to my lips. Annoyed, I look to the side, there's no more cigarette left to smoke. 'You know that I know that you mean those things. You want to have a normal life.' 

For a while, there's silence, and Yunho says nothing. Maybe I did take it too far.

'Normal,' he mutters and moves from his spot. He's crowding me against the wall, 'come on, let a man dream, we both know normal was never a reality for me.' He reaches for my hand, taking it into his own, and squeezes it hard as he looks at me. 'I think of us as already married, a stupid piece of paper is not going to change that.'

'Yeah but—'

He squeezes my hand tighter. 

'Will you stop thinking stupid thoughts? Even if you think this is nothing, I still want you to hold onto us. If I had the chance, I would marry you, but you know that's not a possibly for us—' he places a hands on my cheek, 'you think this is really not enough?'

It's not, but I let myself be fooled, for a moment I just want to pretend. I close the gap between us myself and kiss Yunho for a long time. 

—

'Are you guys going to be ok?' Changmin asks as he looks at me. Yunho left to get more drinks and I am back in my seat. 

'Yes, I think so, don't worry,' I say with some hesitation in my voice. There’s nothing more that I can say and even if there was, I don't really want to.

'If you say so...' 

'No, we're not breaking up. You don't have to worry about that.'

We both fall into silence and wait for Yunho to come back. When he does, I lean against him, enjoying the warmth that radiates from his body. 

'Comfy?'

'Very.'

'That makes me glad.'

My heart skips a beat when Yunho smiles. I'm suprised, still, at how much I need him even after all these years. He doesn't push me away and I feel silly with happiness, even if someone could see us like this. 

Changmin says something stupid and it makes everyone around him laugh. It feels good to be like this, a little illusion we've created for ourselves. 

'Did you talk about something while I was away?'

'No,' I say and take Yunho’s hand. I link our fingers under the table, 'just about how stupid you are.'

Yes, I think we’re going to be alright, even if things between us are not meant to last. Everything around us is changing but we're both stuck in a moment like this. 

'Congratulations on getting married,' I say when Changmin looks over at us. 

'Thank you,' he says and raises his glass, 'congratulation on you two as well.'

Yunho laughs and his shoulders shake and his hand in mine is soft and warm. I know that there are a million different paths that I could have taken in this life. But in the end, I would still choose to take this one, because I know it would lead me to you. 

The end 

a/n: when was the last time I wrote something sweet?