Say something, I'm giving up on you

 

     Kevin fiddled his fingers as he looked at the man across him. He had known him for years, but it felt like he was spending time with a stranger. There was something off about him. Kevin knew that for a few weeks already. But if he told this man about it, everything Kevin worked hard to maintain would crumble. He didn’t want to ruin this stability. 

     “So you were telling me about your client?” Jacob asked as he put his phone on the table, faced down. It was a normal thing for the both of them to spend time with each other for at least once a week. Because Jacob was against moving together in one apartment before marriage, Kevin relented to it. The latter just wanted his boyfriend to be happy, even if it meant they only had a few hours a week to spend with each other. 

     “He just started his own business,” Kevin continued his story about his latest client. But he knew Jacob’s mind was elsewhere. Jacob was looking at him. He was nodding. He was giving reactions to Kevin’s story. But Kevin knew so well that Jacob didn’t care. He has known him for years. Of course he’d notice a big change like that. 

     “Kevin, I’m sorry. I have to cut our date short,” Jacob said as he stood up,” I have to go to an emergency meeting at work. I’ll text you as soon as I can.” 

     Kevin accepted that he had no right to stop him. It was work. He said it was work. Kevin had to believe Jacob’s words. Swallowing whatever he felt, Kevin smiled at Jacob and gave him a small wave. 

     “Good luck at work then. I love you.” 

 

I'll be the one if you want me to

 

     It wasn’t always like that. Kevin stared at the americano he ordered. After watching Jacob leave, he felt like a big load was lifted from his shoulders. It was hard to pretend that everything was fine with him. But Jacob never mentioned anything that would warrant Kevin to have his guard up. And they’ve been dating since they were in college. There was the stability he was searching for all his life. But why did it feel so shaky? 

     “Hey, Jacob Bae’s the name,” Jacob held out his hand, obviously signalling Kevin to shake his hand. Kevin felt a little shy, as Jacob was his type right at the moment he saw him. Their mutual friend, Eric, elbowed Kevin, basically telling him to snap out of his daydream. 

     “Oh right yeah,” Kevin muttered under his breath as he shook his head,” Nice to meet you. I’m Kevin. Kevin Moon.” 

     It started at that moment. Kevin knew he didn’t regret meeting Jacob. Jacob had been his beam of light when everything was dark. He had been there when no one wasn’t. He encouraged him to chase after his dreams even though everyone looked down on him as a fine arts student. Jacob was his sanctuary, his oasis. And Kevin thought Jacob thought the same about him. When did it change? 

 

Anywhere I would've followed you

    

     Kevin stood up after an hour of reminiscing his relationship with Jacob. He glanced at the unfinished coffee and donut Jacob left behind. When was the last time Jacob spent a whole day with him? He didn’t remember. Kevin looked back and counted the excuses Jacob made. He wished they weren’t excuses but him leaving abruptly was too frequent. Kevin couldn’t help but feel suspicious. 

     He glanced at his phone. It was still early, around 3 PM. He decided to walk home since it was too early. Kevin needed a breather. He needed time to rethink his whole relationship with Jacob. He had many questions in his mind and he knew he couldn’t answer them alone. But asking Jacob these questions may mean he’d lose him. Kevin didn’t want to risk that. 

     “What do you think about this?” Jacob asked before he continued to sing a little tune to Kevin. Even though they had only known each other for a few weeks, the two grew very close. They were compatible after all and shared a lot of things in common. Their personalities clicked. 

     “Your songs are always good, Jacob,” Kevin smiled at him. Jacob stared at him for a moment. Of course, Kevin, who had been crushing on Jacob for this entire time, felt embarrassed being under his gaze.

     “It’s because I’m inspired,” Jacob mused, bringing his attention back to his guitar,” I think I’m in love with someone.” 

     Hearing that, Kevin thought he heard something breaking. He soon realized it was his heart. His whole world shattered. Jacob? In love with someone? Who? Was it that buff guy Kevin saw him with one time? Or was it the girl Jacob always greeted on campus? 

     “Earth to Kevin Moon? Hello?” Jacob snapped his fingers in front of Kevin,” Are you listening? I think you aren’t.” 

     “I’m sorry. I’m,” Kevin forced a smile,” So who’s the lucky person?” 

     “I knew you weren’t listening,” Jacob laughed. Kevin scrunched up his eyebrows. 

     “What?” 

     “It’s you, Kevin Moon,” Jacob scanned Kevin’s face, trying to find an ounce of reaction. Kevin gave him lots of signs that the feeling was mutual. The poor boy covered his face but his ears gave it away that he was blushing. He was mumbling some words that Jacob couldn’t understand. Kevin even turned away, trying to hide everything he felt. 

     “Give me an answer, Kev,” Jacob held Kevin’s shoulder,” Though I think you gave it away?” 

     “Shut up,” Kevin mumbled, trying to brush Jacob’s hand away,” I can’t believe this is happening to me.” 

     “Believe it,” Jacob chuckled,” I love you, Kevin Moon.” 

     Kevin looked up at the sky. He knew he was still head-over-heels with Jacob. That was why he didn’t want to point out Jacob’s coldness. Jacob didn’t make these changes obvious. It would look like Kevin was trying to find reasons to ruin this relationship, which he knew he wasn’t. Or was he just paranoid? It had been years and there wasn’t a lot happening to them. They graduated college around 2 years ago? But there wasn’t much of taking the relationship one step further. No moving in. No engagement. 

     Kevin knew he should be content. Jacob has been a stable boyfriend for the most part. Jacob still texted him about what happened in work. He still went on the weekly dates they promised each other. Jacob never forgot about their monthsaries and anniversaries. He never forgot about Kevin’s birthday. They spent Christmas with Kevin’s family. Sometimes, it was with Jacob’s. Everyone was rooting for them. But why did Kevin feel something was off about him?

 

And I... am feeling so small

 

     Kevin found himself standing in front of the entrance of their old university, where it all started. He thought he’d visit Eric while he was there. After all, Eric was the root of it all. He introduced him to Jacob. Thinking back, Eric might be the reason why they got together. He was the biggest cheerleader a couple could get. He was fine about being their third wheel even though he was whiny about it. 

     Kevin showed his alumni ID to the guard before going in. It felt like nothing changed. The buildings still looked vintage. The trees didn’t seem to grow much. The students were still flocking the field, trying to find a spot where they could study, eat, or both. He shot Eric a text, asking him where he worked on the campus. Eric quickly replied, telling him to go to the Engineering department. 

     “Why do you need me?” Eric pouted. It was maybe MoonBae’s second date but they were still awkward about spending time with each other. Alone. As a couple. Jacob was still pretty nervous about this homoual relationship thing because he grew up as a Christian. Kevin was still nervous about the idea of dating Jacob. 

     “We’re so lucky to have a friend like you, Eric,” Kevin pinched Eric’s cheek,” We’ll treat you the whole day so please be with us.” 

     “If there’s a free movie and free lunch, why not?” Eric grinned at them,” Just please… No kissing in front of me.” 

     “Sure,” Jacob laughed,” We won’t kiss in front of you. Just when you turn around.”

     Kevin was glad to see Eric. It had been years since he didn’t see the younger. Eric was in a batch lower than Jacob and Kevin so after graduation, Kevin didn’t really have the time to go to his old university to see him.

     “How are you, hyung? Still together with Jacob-hyung?” Eric asked. Kevin felt iffy about answering the question but he nodded. 

     “I was actually from a date earlier,” Kevin tried to make it appear as if everything was fine. Luckily, Eric believed Kevin’s pretending. Later on, the two agreed on buying street food and talking about their college days. Kevin discovered that Eric was in an interview earlier. He was trying out for a scholarship for his post-grad studies. Eric discovered that Kevin was doing well in an advertising firm. Though Kevin was not the best on his team, he was learning a lot and their team leader was letting him take charge when it came to some clients. 

     Eric was a nice distraction for Kevin. At least for a few hours, he didn’t have to think about his current relationship with Jacob. It seemed like Eric caught on that Jacob wasn’t a good topic for Kevin too, so he avoided mentioning his friend. Though Eric was curious about the true condition of their relationship, he knew it was better for Kevin to open up when he was ready. 

     “Thanks for today, Eric,” Kevin patted Eric’s shoulder,” I needed this.”

     “I’m just here, hyung, if you need me, okay?” 

     And with a quiet hum from Kevin, the pair went their separate ways. 

 

It was over my head, I knew nothing at all 

 

     It was a new day. 

     Even though it was, Kevin couldn’t get rid of his thoughts from the day before. He checked his phone and didn’t find any texts from Jacob. His boyfriend hasn't texted him since he left him at the cafe. Kevin was worried. Did Jacob realize something? Or did something happen to him? 

     He was snapped out of his thoughts when Jacob called. Before Kevin answered it, he let out a sigh, trying to calm himself down. He had been dating this man for years. Why was he still nervous? 

     “Hey?” Jacob’s voice still sent shivers down Kevin’s spine. His voice was his favorite. It was warm. The timbre was nice. Even though there was something missing, Kevin’s heart still was going crazy. 

     “Good morning to you too, Cob,” Kevin greeted back,” How was the emergency meeting?” 

     “Oh…” Kevin noticed there was a pause when he asked that,” It was fine. The problems were luckily resolved.” 

     “That’s good,” Kevin tried to make it sound like he believed Jacob. His answer was vague. What problems? Wouldn’t he tell Kevin about it? 

     “What about you, Kev? I heard from Eric that you passed by the uni,” Jacob asked,” If you only told me, I would’ve gone there after the meeting.”

     “It was a surprise visit so,” Kevin bit his lower lip,” Even I was surprised my feet led me there.” 

     “Kevin?” Jacob called his name. Kevin loved it when Jacob would. His name felt like it was perfect on Jacob’s lips. 

     “Jacob?” Kevin called him back. Jacob smiled at him and planted a kiss on his forehead. 

     “Why do you look so beautiful?” Jacob asked,” You are such a beautiful man. Talented too. Too perfect for the world.”

     “Stop flattering me,” Kevin knew he was blushing. Jacob thought it was cute when he reacted like that, so he always showered Kevin with compliments. 

     “I’m not. I’m saying the truth, silly,” Jacob booped Kevin’s nose,” I’m so lucky I have you.” 

     The conversation was cut short when Jacob told Kevin that he needed to leave. He still had a mountain of paperworks to do. Kevin wished him luck before Jacob hung up the call. Kevin inhaled deeply. 

     ‘Of course, work. Again,’ Kevin thought to himself before trying to refocus himself to his work. He still had a few clients to meet that day. He knew it was the best way to distract himself from his doubts. He was going to drown himself with work. 

 

And I... will stumble and fall

     

     “So, about your boyfriend…” 

     Kevin was surprised that his officemate, Hyunjoon, started talking to him. 

     “What about my boyfriend, Hyunjoon?” Kevin asked. Of course Hyunjoon was familiar with Jacob. It was the talk of the whole team. Kevin was dating this cute guy who worked in the corporate world. Jacob used to frequently wait for Kevin after work. Everything stopped a few months ago. Kevin knew it was because Jacob was promoted. He was busier than Kevin was at that point. 

     “I’m assuming it’s getting rocky?” Hyunjoon asked,” I mean, you seem gloomier.” 

     “Gloomier?” 

     “You used to hum at the pantry when you mix coffee. You also have this habit of clicking your pen when you’re on your desk,” Hyunjoon answered,” I notice little things like that.” 

     “Well, it’s nothing. Don’t think about it,” Kevin said, turning his attention back to the desktop in front of him,” Jacob and I are doing well.” 

     “Sure,” Hyunjoon rolled his eyes,” If you need some love advice, ask me. I think I can help you.”

     “You’ve been single for months, Joon. What do you mean help me?” 

     “I know when the end of a relationship is, sunbae,” Hyunjoon sharply answered,” Do you?” 

     “Kevin, don’t be jealous! Nothing’s going on between me and Sangyeon,” Jacob almost shouted. Kevin was suspicious. Sure, Sangyeon and Jacob knew each other longer. They’ve known each other since high school. But Kevin couldn’t avoid this feeling. Something was off. 

     “Show me your phone then,” Kevin extended his hand,” If you have nothing to hide, show me your phone.”

     “This is ridiculous, Kevin,” Jacob rolled his eyes,” But, okay, if this makes you feel better.” 

     Jacob pulled out his phone from his pocket and handed it to Kevin. Kevin scrolled through the messages and pictures. Nothing suspicious. Jacob’s conversation with Sangyeon was purely platonic. It was sort of similar to how Kevin talked to his friends.

     “Happy?” Jacob asked, obviously pissed off at Kevin for being overprotective about him.

     “I’m sorry,” Kevin mumbled, returning the phone,” I was just… I’m new to this, okay? I’m not good at….” 

     “Sunbae?” Hyunjoon snapped his fingers in front of Kevin,” You’ve been very quiet for a while now.” 

     “Nothing,” Kevin said as he flashed Hyunjoon a smile,” A random memory popped up.”

     “So, as I was telling you,” Hyunjoon put his eyes back to his desktop when he noticed their team leader walking around the office,” If the relationship isn’t good for you, cut it off. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, trust me.” 

     ‘If only it was that easy and simple,’ Kevin thought. 

 

I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl

    

     Another week passed by, more quickly than Kevin expected. It was the day he was going to meet Jacob again. He felt his chest tighten. He looked at himself in his bathroom’s mirror and tried to psyche himself up. Maybe things will go back to normal. Maybe Jacob would be his warm self again. Maybe today was the day they could be the MoonBae everyone knew they were. 

     “And if not?” 

     Those three words escaped his lips. He was scared of that. Sure, Kevin was hopeful that things would go back to how they were, but that seemed so illogical. He slapped his cheeks and stared at himself in the mirror. Nothing would happen if he felt restless about this. Except if he faced it head on. But did Kevin have the guts to face it head on? No. Of course not. 

     “So how many girls did you date before you realized you liked boys too?” Kevin asked Jacob. Jacob looked up, listing the names in his head. 

     “I think 3 or 4? But I was in high school so those weren’t serious,” Jacob answered,” How about you, Kev? Did you date any girl?” 

     “I never had an interest in dating girls before,” Kevin said,” But I did date a guy before you.” 

     “So I’m not your first?” Jacob pouted before laughing,” Why are you still clumsy with me then?” 

     “Because I like you more than I did the first one,” Kevin mumbled,” And you’re way more handsome.” 

     Jacob chuckled as he pinched Kevin’s nose,” The cutest thing.”

     “No, you are,” Kevin pinched Jacob’s nose back,” My cutie Jacob.” 

     Memories of how things were before Jacob was cold kept popping into Kevin’s head. He was worried to lose Jacob after all. But what about the things Hyunjoon said? Were weeks of Jacob’s coldness enough reason to end a relationship? Maybe Jacob was going through something. Things could go back after he finished what he was going through. 

     Kevin decided to put on a beanie on that day. He didn’t have the patience to style his hair. Sure, it was a special day, but he was more bothered about Jacob than his hair. The Jacob he was meeting that day would surely be the Jacob he didn’t know. 

 

And I... will swallow my pride

 

     Kevin saw Jacob waiting by the bench near the playground in the park. He looked so dreamy against the sunlight like that. His side profile was enough for Kevin’s heart to go crazy. Years of being with Jacob didn’t mean getting used to him. It just meant appreciating him more and noticing the small details that form the Jacob Bae whom Kevin loved. 

     “Good afternoon, sweetie,” Kevin greeted as he sat next to him,” Did you wait long?”

     “A bit,” Jacob answered, giving Kevin a hug. It felt a little forced, Kevin noticed, but he didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to start off the date with an argument with Jacob. 

     “What do you want to do today?” Jacob asked. 

     “Why don’t we stay here for now?” Kevin suggested,” Talk about anything under the sun. Like we used to.”

     “Life’s been so,” Jacob sighed,” I’m sorry we haven’t been doing that recently. Work is hectic and-” 

     “You don’t need to explain,” Kevin inhaled deeply,” I get it. I will always…” 

     “Kevin?” 

     Kevin turned his head and was surprised when Jacob pecked his lips. 

     “What was that?” Kevin turned red. Jacob wrapped his arms around Kevin. 

     “I just wanted to kiss you,” Jacob hummed,” You are very kissable.” 

     “I will take that as a compliment then, Mr. Bae,” Kevin smiled at him,” I love you.”

     “I love you too. Always.” 

     “Kevin? Kevin!” Jacob snapped his fingers in front of Kevin. How many times has this happened? Kevin kept trapping himself in a fortress of memories. He should’ve realized that he had been living in these memories for longer than he should’ve. But it felt better there. The Jacob in his memories was warmer. He was always full of love. Compared to the Jacob next to him who felt like he was obligated to spend time with Kevin. 

     “I’m sorry,” Kevin sighed,” I was just… I’ve been bothered by something.” 

     “By what?” Jacob asked. 

     “Nothing,” Kevin shook his head, smiling at Jacob,” Just nonsense.” 

     “Tell me, Kev,” Jacob said sternly,” What’s bothering you?” 

     “I love you so much,” Kevin closed his eyes. Jacob didn’t say anything. Kevin expected that.”It’s been a while since you told me you love me. Do you still?” 

     “Kevin… Don’t be like this,” Jacob held Kevin’s hand,” Of course I do.” 

     “Why don’t you say it then?” 

     “Because…” Jacob looked down. Kevin knew what it meant. 

     “Is there someone else?” Kevin didn’t know where the courage came from but he knew he couldn’t stop what was happening. Whatever the consequences, Kevin knew he had to face them. 

     “No…” Jacob bit his lower lip,” I just… Things change.” 

     Kevin didn’t know how to react. It was more painful to hear that there wasn’t anyone else. Jacob just didn’t have the same feelings he had in the past. Kevin didn’t want to think of it but Jacob fell out of love. 

     “When were you going to tell me?” 

     “I wasn’t. I hoped things would go back to how it was. I hoped you wouldn’t notice,” Jacob answered. They both hoped for something that seemed impossible at that point. “When did you notice?”

     “I always did, Jacob,” Kevin tried to stop himself from crying,” I just… I waited for you to say something about it. Maybe I was overthinking. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

     “No, Kevin, please don’t,” Jacob held Kevin's cheeks with both his hands,” I don’t want to lose you too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Please…tell me you’ll stay?” 

     “You’re the one I love, Jacob,” Kevin held Jacob’s hands.

    “So you will?” Jacob’s eyes lit up with hope. 

     “And,” Kevin gently removed Jacob’s hands from his face,” I’m saying goodbye.” 

     “Kevin, please…” Jacob almost begged,” We were doing so well.” 

     “We did,” Kevin stood up,” But Hyunjoon’s right. It’s better if I know when something should end. And this is ours.”