You look at the third text you had sent today. You know he has read it because that blue tick gives it away. You sigh. It has been two weeks. You don’t understand what went wrong. You try to recall the last time you saw each other. You don’t think anything out of the ordinary happened. You guys met up for lunch, spent the rest of the evening watching Brooklyn 99 in his room, ordered sushi for dinner and he walked you back to your dorm at 3am. You couldn’t, for the life of you, figure out what could have possibly made him tick, made him decide to change his mind about you, made him realise that, no, he doesn’t want to do anything with you anymore.

Jaehyun is a senior of yours by one semester, he registered for the earlier intake in February while you came in July the same year. He had been your buddy during orientation, leading the group of freshies around campus with his good directions and good looks. You didn’t really pay attention to him at first, solely focusing on his orders and anecdotes when he guided the freshies around campus. You acknowledged his good looks but was never romantically interested, not until during the last day of orientation when all of you attended an orientation bash.

The seniors organised a barbecue and a get together session to conclude the orientation week, and that’s when you met Yuta for the first time. The two of you clicked instantly, so naturally you spent most of the night with him just getting to know one another. You learned that he was Japanese who had a knack for hiking, and the two of you loved One Ok Rock. Sadly Yuta left halfway through dinner, but not before exchanging numbers with you and that’s when you started to really mingle around with the others.

You were standing at the drinks area, contemplating between coke and iced lemon tea when someone decides to introduce himself next to you.

“Hi”, Jaehyun says with a dazzling smile and you smile in return. He introduces himself and you chuckle, “I know”, you say before telling him your name.

“You look very serious”, he says and you turn back to the cause of your confusion, “Should I go with coke or lemon tea?”, you poses and Jaehyun motions his head to the coke slightly. You take the lemon tea.

“Wow”, he says, astounded.

“Thanks, your decision made me realise which one I want more”, you cheekily explain and he rolls his eyes but his dimples deepened.

“What? Charles is the funniest in B99!”, you defend and Jaehyun lets out a gasp.

“He only seems funny because he’s with Jake all the time!”, he counters and you glare at him. How dare he insult your favourite character.

“That’s so rude! Charles is a lot funnier when he’s alone, you can’t argue with me on this!”, you say and Jaehyun was about to attack back but you continue with your rant, “He’s literally so funny and you think he’s only comical when Jake’s around? Did you even watch the show?”, you almost snarl and Jaehyun quirks up his eyebrow, almost challenging.

“I’ve watched all six seasons”, he announces and you wanted to counter back when you realise there were only five seasons so far.

“Idiot, Season 6 isn’t out till next year”, you say, smiling a little and Jaehyun mirrors your smile.

“I didn’t know one could get so heated up over a character”, he says chuckling and you huff, “I could go and defend him all night”.

“I’ll take on that challenge”, he says, his eyes glimmering with mischief.

Jaehyun and you continue to meet up after. You didn’t see him everyday, but it was enough to alert the two friends you had met and became close with; Yuta and Taeil. You usually meet Jaehyun on Tuesdays in between classes where your free period magically align with his, giving the two of you a total of three hours to spend time with. Dinner on Fridays are usually reserved for him too, much to your friends’ distress. Sometimes Jaehyun and you meet up during the weekends but it’s pretty rare, he’s in the School of Engineering so he has tons of weekly assessments and you usually spend your time studying with Taeil.

You remember the first time you realise you had romantic feelings for Jaehyun. It was 3 weeks into your solid routine with him, and it didn’t even occur to you that you had a ‘routine’ until Yuta pointed it out. It was a Tuesday and the two of you decided to get lunch at a cafe just around campus. The epiphany of realising that you had a crush on someone was pretty anti climatic, unlike how it’s typically portrayed in romcoms. The two of you were having a debate on whether or not avocado toast is delicious and as he was ranting about it (he’s team avocado and you’re not), his face was distorted and words were coming out like bullets from his mouth and that’s when you let out a smile; realisation dawning upon you. You clearly remember how confusion took over Jaehyun’s expression, completely stopping his argument. He tilts his head and you immediately dismiss him, “Right, maybe it’s good, I don’t know I’ll have to try it again”, you say to end the debate and Jaehyun gets even more confused.

Unlike you, Jaehyun is a lot more forward with his feelings. It doesn’t take a genius, really. He touches you constantly and you also took note how touch is probably his love language; wrapping his arms around your shoulders, resting his hand on your thigh whenever he’s driving, spooning you close whenever the two of you watch Netflix in his room. He doesn’t take long to confirm it either. You remember when he made his first move. You were laying on top of his abs, watching Home Alone on the comfort of his bed. Jaehyun had the laptop propped on his thighs and you were engrossed in the movie until you feel his hand smoothing your t-shirt before resting on your stomach. You remember turning to look at him questioningly as he has never really touched you like that and although you didn’t hate it, confused you were. He smiles and you mirror  it before turning back to look at Kevin. You weren’t quite sure how exactly the transition happened but the next thing you know you were kissing him, the movie and Kevin’s shenanigans long forgotten.

You remember the awkwardness you felt when you bump into him at the cafeteria the day after your “first kiss” with him. You had left his apartment immediately last night once you had gathered your senses, leaving him confused as you part your lips away from his before apologising profusely and leaving without another look.

Jaehyun clears his throat as he takes the spot next to you, both of you queuing up for drinks.

“Are we good?”, he breaks and you nod, “Of course”.

“Why’d you leave then?”, he ponders out loud and you thank the heavens when the person in front of you moves to pick up her order. You move forward to order, leaving Jaehyun behind.

“Add iced Americano to that, please”, Jaehyun announces to the cashier, handing his card and you are about to protest when he shushes and signals for you to wait at the pick up counter. You sigh but relentlessly walk to the said counter. Jaehyun joins you a minute after. “Let’s talk it out”, he suggests and you shake your head, “I don’t have time, I have class in 10 minutes”. You don’t turn to see his reaction but you know he’s frowning.

“Can I come over tonight then?”, he asks, sounding a bit meek and you let the question float in the air as you ponder on the best thing to do. “Sure”, you decide to say before leaving with your hot latte, waving him goodbye.

Jaehyun arrives exactly at 8, with a box of pizza and a bottle of wine in hand. You let him in your apartment and he goes to lay all of the food on the coffee table. You go to the kitchen to pick up plates and glasses for the two of you. Jaehyun takes the plates from you and sets the table, while you pour the wine into the glasses. You watch him as he takes the remote and broadcast Kingdom on the television. You take a seat next to him and pass him his glass of wine. He passes you a slice of pizza and the two of you eat in silence. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t exactly normal either. Usually the two of you would fight over which slice of pizza to take, Jaehyun would give you a hard time for serving wine in cocktail glasses, and you would always question the show he chooses to broadcast. But tonight, none of that happens. Instead, the two of you seem to silently agree to disagree and in retrospect, you should’ve seen it as foreshadowing as to what will change between you two.

“Oh my god”, you stutter under your breath, your voice a little strained from feeling betrayed. You hear Jaehyun chuckle and you turn to look at him. His eyes are crinkled and his dimples are prominent on his face as he takes in your facial expression. You give him a smack on his back as a warning and he chuckles even harder. “That ending was terrible! What a cliffhanger”, you huff. Jaehyun has stopped chuckling, but he’s still looking at you with laughter etched on his face. “It was good though, I can’t wait for Season 2”, he announces and you nod in agreement, “I wonder what’s going to happen once they realise it’s not the sun”. You pick up your phone and scroll through Netflix to check what else to watch, but then you notice the time.

1.20 a.m.

“Jaehyun, do you wanna continue this next time?” you ask and when you turn to look at him, he is already looking at you. He doesn’t answer you but his gaze doesn’t falter and you feel yourself heat up from the intense gaze.

“Jae?”, you mutter out, and he blinks before groaning. He closes his eyes and sigh. You look at him with worry, wondering what’s wrong. You shift yourself closer to him and give him reassuring pats on his shoulder.

“I really want to kiss you right now”, he mumbles, his eyes still closed and you stop patting him. You retract your hand and that’s when Jaehyun decide to open his eyes to look at you, you don’t meet his eyes though, but instead keeps your eyes in the direction of his thigh. “Do you hate the thought of it?”, he asks and you shake your head. “You’re drunk”, you state and you hear him scoff.

“I wasn’t drunk yesterday”, he presses and you frown before sighing. You close your eyes, leaving his statement in the air as you try to collect your thoughts. You expect Jaehyun to leave from being ‘ignored’, but he stays still on his spot. When you open your eyes again, you think you’ve reached clarity.

You look at him to find him looking at you, and you lean forward, your eyes fluttering to close slowly, as does his. Unlike last night, you don’t think of running away this time.

Jaehyun pulls you closer to him and props you on his thighs as he backs his body against the couch. You hold onto his shoulders tightly as you nuzzle deeper into his hold. Jaehyun grips by the waist, pulling you in closer and you let out a breathy moan against his lips when he tilts his head, deepening the kiss. You hear him hum contentedly against your lips, and you relish in the wine aftertaste on his lips. Your hand moves to his jawline as you pull away from the kiss to catch your breath. Jaehyun’s hold on your waist tightens, as if afraid you’d run away again. You let out a chuckle, “I’m not leaving”, you breathed against his lips and he nods. He trails kisses on your neck and you tilt your head to give him better access. You savour the feeling as you feel him mark you just behind your ear and once he stops, you quickly pull him in for another kiss.

This time, the kiss feels more urgent and you daringly move your lower body against his and you hear him groan. He pulls away from the kiss and calls out your name, indirectly asking if you’re sure and you nod breathlessly before pulling him in again.

The next morning, you wake up to Jaehyun on your bed, his arms wrapped around your torso and your head tucked snugly on his chest. Your routine with him solidified even more after that. But even then, it was never official. And you think, maybe that’s why you don’t blame him all that much. Because after all, the two of you weren’t exactly in a relationship.

Taeil gave you an earful for that. You remember calling him one night, your voice shaking as you ask him to open the door. He welcomes you almost instantly, immediately giving you comforting pats on the back as you sob uncontrollably in his arms. You told Taeil everything once you had calmed down and you remember just how angry and frustrated he look as he gives you advices laced with nagging. Taeil suggested going for ice cream to let some steam off and you start to tear up again when you saw Yuta waiting for the two of you, already sitting and fully prepped with ice cream and fries to mend your heartache.

You look at the text you just received but have yet to open confusedly. You haven’t talked to this person in months, and he was the reason why communication was cut off, decided on his own liberty, with no consensus from your side. You wanted to laugh. You swipe the notification away, refusing to even give it a blue tick.

The text bothers you. As much as you didn’t want it to, it does. A lot. You spend the morning whole groaning and when you come to class, your mind was clouded with ‘why’s’ and you were too busy rationalising to listen to your lecturer. You let out a laugh this time though, because despite the duration he has practically ghosted you, he still has an effect on you. You hated that. But then again, how could you not? You talked to this guy almost everyday for months, non-stop. You woke up to his text. You had lunch with him by your side. The two of you shared fries dipped in ice cream for supper and that was intimate! He had walked you back to your apartment countless of times, sometimes bidding good bye with a kiss leaving both of you breathless. You bump your head onto your desk and sigh. .

Taeil’s gaze on you is scrutinising. He has his pen in his mouth and his index finger is slowly tapping on the table in a calculated rhythm. You feel his strong gaze on you and you look up to match it. His eyes didn’t even waver. He quirks up his eyebrow questioningly.

You pass your phone to him, your WhatsApp app opened and chats clear for him to see.

“No”, Taeil says loudly, and sternly. Some of the students sitting near the two of you turn their attention towards you two, but you think Taeil’s expression at the moment made them turn their heads away immediately.

You let out a whine.

“No”, he repeats, before shoving your phone back to you.

“Don’t even think about it”, he says, his tone serious and you sigh before nodding quietly. You resume to your work and so did he.

You roll your eyes when you arrive at the dinner table. Each and every one of your friends were looking at you expectantly. Taeil looks serious. Doyoung looks rather curious. Yuta is glaring at you for some reason. Taeyong has his arms crossed.

All of you were sitting in a BBQ restaurant, it was crazy loud but somehow, your table was unnaturally quiet.

“I didn’t do anything” You announce and multiple sighs of relief came out. You roll your eyes, “Geez, thanks for the faith”, you grumble before picking up your chopsticks and shoving rice cakes into your mouth.

“I actually think she should reply”, Doyoung suddenly says, “Just to see what he wants”, he shrugs almost nonchalantly and you thought the stares you got from your friends when you arrived was bad, but what is directed towards Doyoung right now is way worse.

“Are you insane?”, Yuta snaps, “He doesn’t even deserve his number saved! Let alone a reply”, Yuta huffs and Taeil nodded at the younger boy’s statement.

Doyoung looks at you, “Do you still like him?”, he asks with a little edge and you’d be lying if you said you aren’t intimidated by the 4 pair of eyes looking at you right now.

“I don’t”, you grumble and Doyoung nods understandingly, “Exactly why I feel like a reply wouldn’t hurt”, and you perk up at that, he always has the best advices anyway. “Just see what he wants, if you don’t like him anymore then you wouldn’t be affected, no?”, he reasons and you frown.

“I did get affected though”, you confess and the rest perks up at that statement, “I’ve been thinking about the text all day, just curious”.

“Curiosity kills the cat”, Yuta says sharply and you pout at him.

“That’s why you should reply, get it off your chest and you know, move along after”, Doyoung says, his voice a little softer now.

Taeil gives a disapproving look but even before he could speak Taeyong chimes in.

“Do what you feel is right, it’s your life anyway”

You groan in frustration. You turn to Yuta for help. He sighs.

“Alright fine”, he says, sounding resigned as if he is held at gunpoint, “but you have to text him right now, in front of us”.

You nod before looking at Taeil sneakily. He has a frown on his face. Taeyong and Doyoung were looking at you encouragingly.

You pull out your phone from your bag before opening the text. It’s been about 8 hours now.

From: Jaehyun

Hi, you busy?

To: Jaehyun

Not now. What’s up?

Your phone buzzes almost immediately after.

From: Jaehyun

Oh I thought you weren’t going to reply

Which I would understand completely

You almost started typing but Yuta stop you with a shake of his head.

Your phone beeps again.

From: Jaehyun

I was wondering if you’d be free tomorrow? For lunch?

You look at your friends for help.

Taeil immediately shakes his head, Taeyong shrugs, Doyoung and Yuta are looking at each other. Doyoung locks your phone, momentarily leaving Jaehyun on read.

“Do you want to see him?” He asks seriously.

You frown.

“We won’t stop you”, Yuta says, “but we also don’t want history repeating itself”

You frown even harder.

Taeil lets out a loud sigh.

“Just go ahead and see him,” he starts and everyone looks at him confused.

“You want closure, right? That’s why it’s driving you insane, you just need to know the reason why”, Taeil says exasperatedly, “Go see him, find out why, and come back in one piece”, he finishes, looking at you pointedly.

You suddenly remember the night you came to Taeil’s place sobbing uncontrollably and you think that’s why he’s being especially hard and defensive about the whole issue.

It was a Tuesday.

4 months ago this would’ve been normal but right now, you can’t help but feel uncomfortable as you sip on your coffee, silently waiting for Jaehyun to say something.

“How have you been?” He starts and you clear your throat. It was an advice from Doyoung, he said you needed to establish a power move and you’re not sure why but you can tell it impacted Jaehyun a little by the way he slightly flinches.

“I’ve been great”, you reply, not bothering to ask him the same. You don’t think he deserves it.

“I’m sorry”, he says after a few seconds and you let the words float in the air for a while more. You can’t believe it but the moment he said that you felt the weight lift from your shoulders. Was it apology you wanted all this while? Probably.

“I have no excuse, I’m sorry for what I have done”, he continues when you don’t reply, “I wanted to apologise, I think you deserve at least that”, he concludes and it’s silent again. “Why?” You ask and you hated how shaky your voice sounded.

“I-“, Jaehyun starts and you realise he’s nervous. He lets out a sigh before continuing, “-I don’t have a good excuse, I’m sorry I can’t give you that-”, he mutters softly and you frown but you let him finish, “-it’s just, feelings faded”, he finishes and even if your shoulders are feeling light, your heart does not.

“Thanks Jae”, you say before taking your leave and you don’t notice the way he flinches at the nickname.

That night, you sob into your pillows. You didn’t sob as much as before, but somehow you feel a lot sadder. Just when your sadness is about to lull you into sleep, your phone beeps.

From: Taeil

We’re outside. We have ice creaammmmm