[2012]

 

Junmyeon woke up with a groan. It felt like someone was repeatedly hitting his head with heavy stones and pulling his hair at the same time. For a minute he found it hard to even breath and Junmyeon was sure this was going to be the end of his very short-lived life. What a shame that the world was going to be deprived of his beauty and talent. However, the thought soon vanished when he realized that he was feeling like because he drank too much alcohol last night and these were just the aftereffects of his carelessness. He was so out of his senses that he could not even regret drinking too much.

 

Just when he thought he had already faced the worst possible that morning, his roommates burst into their shared room, talking at the top of their voices, with little consideration for his splitting headache.

 

“Junmyeonnie hyung, you are awake!” It was Jongin, his best friend and co-member of a soon-to-be-debuting boy group, EXO. Jongin had been training to be an idol the longest after himself and there was this inexpressible connection and relatability between them.

 

And after all their years of hard work, they were finally going to debut and that too together in the same group. To add cherry to the cake, Junmyeon was chosen to be the leader of the group and he felt it was everything he could ask for. That was until he was informed that a particular trainee named Oh Sehun was chosen to be the maknae of the group. That’s when he decided that he wanted one last thing, the said trainee to be dropped from the group.

 

Junmyeon could not understand why he was irritated every time he saw the trainee. He could not really remember anything in particular the other could have done to incite such annoyance but he concluded it somehow had to be other’s fault. Afterall, the guy had indeed left a terrible first impression with his half- greeting to a very senior trainee, namely Junmyeon.

 

“Hyung, do you have any idea how badly you messed up yesterday?” Jongin was loud and though he was Junmyeon’s best friend, his presence was proving to be a nuisance to Junmyeon at the moment. As if Jongin was not enough, Jongdae, his other always whining roommate and another to-be co-member, entered in tow.

 

“You are done this time,” Jongdae pointed out, a bit too cheerily.

 

Junmyeon groaned. “Stop overreacting. What did I do, leave a couple extra dollars in tip?”

 

“You wish!” It was Jongdae in his ‘I am so going to enjoy your misery’ kind of tone.

 

“Do you really not remember anything about Sehun from yesterday?” Jongin asked seriously. Even in his woozy head, Junmyeon knew this meant a reason to be concerned.

 

“Sehun? Where did he come from? I clearly remember it was just us, Kyungsoo, Tao and Yifan. Sehun was definitely not with us at the club. He couldn’t have been at a club legally anyways.” Junmyeon was growing impatient and annoyed on hearing the said boy’s name added to his growing headache, if that was possible somehow.

 

“He was not there physically. You called him over the phone and said some very colorful profanities to the poor boy. For no reason, might I add.” Jongin spoke the words all snappy, probably after seeing the other man having no recollection of that part of the night.

 

“Is this a prank?” Jongdae shook his head amused while Junmyeon only met with glares from Jongin. “But why would I call him? That makes no sense.”

 

“You make sense out of the situation yourself but go apologize to the kid. I don’t understand where so much hate for him came from in the first place.” Jongin was angry and literally scolding his hyung. Then he continued in a more concerned tone after a brief pause. “Hyung!  The only silver lining for you might be that no one apart from the two of us and Sehun knows about the call, that’s if Sehun has not already spread the word. But you left a voicemail on his phone. If anyone gets a hold on it, you are done for bullying the maknae of the group. The netizens are not forgiving and you should know that better than any of us.”

 

************************************

Junmyeon himself could not recall what he said to Sehun over the ominous phone call but the little that Jongin and Jongdae heard and could recall, none of it was good. He had apparently used likes of ‘ill-mannered, insensitive, emotionless, selfish, one-taking-away-my-place‘ adjectives. Though most of these Junmyeon believed to be true but yet the act in itself was rude and uncalled for. And even Junmyeon could not not admit this to himself despite his unreasonable dislike for the man.

 

So he decided he had to clear things with the younger like the mature person he was. He knocked on the door to Sehun’s room, hoping Sehun’s roommates would not be there to make the talk more difficult than it already was. He heard ‘Come in’ in the all too familiar voice. He quietly opened the door to find Sehun alone. He closed the door behind himself. He sent a quick gratitude to the heavens and prayed that the conversation works out in his favor too.

 

The boy was engrossed in his phone and did not even lift his head to acknowledge the visitor. Junmyeon was on the verge of losing his temper on being ignored by the boy when Jongin’s account of the phone call crossed his mind and he had to deep breath a couple of times to calm himself down. 

 

“Hey Sehun!” It sounded strained and just so fake even to his own ears. But it got the boy’s attention and it was safe to say judging from the expressions that the other was shocked. Of course, he had to be. It was not everyday that Junmyeon initiated any kind of normal conversation with him.

 

Also it was not everyday that Junmyeon’s greetings were not returned by a dongsaeng. However, Sehun was capable of that and he was doing exactly that at the moment, staying mute and staring with wide eyes. No doubt Sehun always managed to get on Junmyeon’s nerves.

 

“Let’s cut to the chase if you want to throw all the formality out of the window.” Junmyeon spoke, no longer trying to keep his irritation out of his tone. Sehun tried to collect his wits and respond but was interrupted by Junmyeon. “Did you get my voicemail last night?” Sehun nodded once hesitantly. “I did not mean anything I said. So just erase it and forget about it.” Saying so, Junmyeon thought their conversation was over and he proceeded towards the door to leave. Apparently, Sehun was not on the same page.

 

“I can’t. I can’t erase it or forget about it.”

 

“What? Why not?”

 

“Because I don’t want to. You clearly meant every word you said. And I want to keep it.”

 

“Why? Are you going to use it to blackmail me later?” Sehun stayed mum. “Listen, Sehun. I was just very drunk and dialled your number by mistake.” Junmyeon could not deny that he was panicking internally.

 

“Okay, I see.”

 

“So, you are going to erase it now?” Sehun simply shook his head. Junmyeon closed his eyes to contain his anger and took a deep breath. “What do you want? Just tell me and I will give it to you. And let’s get over with this.”

 

“You won’t give me what I want.”

 

“I will. Anything! I will give you just about anything right now.”

 

“Anything.” Junmyeon nodded to agree hastily.

 

Right at that moment, the door to the room opened and Baekhyun entered bickering loudly with Chanyeol, who was behind him. Another two to-be-members of EXO. Both loud and bane of Junmyeon’s existence most times. When they entered, they suddenly went silent on seeing Junmyeon in the room alone with Sehun and weird palpable tension in the surrounding air.

 

The last thing Junmyeon wanted was these two men to find out about his antics from last night. They were definitely the type who would go and talk about it on some variety show for a few laughs.

 

“Hyung what’s up? All good?” Baekhyun asked outright.

 

“Yeah, Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” Junmyeon tried to laugh it off and escape the situation before the two could inquire further. The last thing he paused and heard before walking out of the room came from Sehun. “Wait up for me in the living room.”

 

And Junmyeon did, he waited for the youngest in the living room for hours, before he unintentionally fell asleep on the couch.

 

He was woken up by Sehun. It took Junmyeon some time to realize where he was and why. It must have been late because the dorm was as quiet as a graveyard. Junmyeon wanted to call out the other for making him wait for so long but he was still out of his element to form any comprehensive sentences.

 

In his stupor, he was quietly led to the bathroom, held by a strong grip of the other’s hand around his wrist. Once they both entered the bathroom together, Sehun shut the door close. Before he could register it, he was pushed against the door and caged by Sehun’s body. Sehun had not let go of his wrist yet and his other hand reached out to hold Junmyeon’s cheek. Junmyeon freezed in his spot.

 

“I am asking you again. Are you still sure you can give me anything I want?”

 

Junmyeon was at a loss of words and kept blinking blankly until Sehun slowly repeated himself, face leaning closer to his own. If Junmyeon would have been in his senses, he would have seen the lack of confidence the second time and yet reluctance to withdraw.

 

“What do you want?” Junmyeon sounded uncertain, his hesitation stemming from whether he was gauging the situation correctly or not.

 

“You!” Sehun followed it with the most serene smile Junmyeon had ever seen on the boy.

 

That night Sehun unraveled Junmyeon and Junmyeon let him without much resistance, as if hypnotized. Junmyeon later justified his submission to himself as necessary to get rid of the voicemail and possibility of any harm in the future.

 

He reasoned likewise when he submitted to Sehun two nights later and then the following and then again, until their intimacy almost every night became the norm. Not once did he question himself why he never asked about the said voicemail ever again. He never asked himself why he felt overwhelmed, strangely in a good way, after coming undone by the man he ‘hated’. Somewhere in his heart he knew why but he was too prideful to accept that answer.

 

**********************************

[2014]

 

Their new mini-album, named Overdose, had been released and promotions for the same were going on in full swing. If that was not enough to keep them busy, then their preparations for upcoming concerts definitely were. Amidst all the long tiring days and short resting times, Sehun never forgot to remind Junmyeon how special he was to him. Exclusive back rubs, shoulder and neck massages, long hugs, covert ‘I like you’s, kisses and occasionally more behind the doors of their room.

 

Yes, their room! Junmyeon could not pinpoint how ‘their’ room came to be. He knew the events that led to it but how those events came to be he had no clue.

 

One day, not more than a month after Sehun and Junmyeon started their late night rendezvous, Jongin and Jongdae declared they could no longer share a room with their leader’s messy . It really came out of the blue as it was not even one of his worst days in terms of the mess he generated.

 

And Sehun being the maknae took it upon himself to deal with the elder’s messy way of living. Baekhyun, worried for the maknae, decided to be the other one taking the bullet for the team. And that’s how Junmyeon, pretending to be hurt, became roommates with Sehun and Baekhyun.

 

Things got weirder when Baekhyun left the room for the comfort of a corner in the living room. Reason, Baekhyun liked to practice his singing late at night and not wanting to cause any inconvenience to the leader and the maknae, he left the room all for the other two.

 

Since that day, their late night congresses became easier and just more intimate in the privacy of their closed room. Sehun reached those parts of Junmyeon’s body and mind that no one else ever had.

 

Every night, Sehun would hold him like he was something precious, speaking sweet nothings, and in those moments Junmyeon’s heart became an involuntary muscle beating just for the other, figuratively. There were mornings Junmyeon would wake up first, entangled in other’s embrace and he would feel an itch to touch and kiss the other.

 

However, Junmyeon always held himself back. He made sure his outward appearance told a different story from the one in his heart, one of reluctance and being forced. There were so many things he wanted to allow himself to say and do but there was always something that stopped him. His pride! He already felt embarrassed about his thoughts and growing feelings for someone just toying with him. He would die rather than letting the other know about those feelings.

 

One such morning, he was staring at the sleeping form of Sehun holding him close and tight. When stopping himself became impossible for Junmyeon, he buried his nose into the younger’s neck and got a whiff of something addictingly pleasant, a mix of Sehun’s aftershave and himself. The smell was manly and delicate at the same time. A sudden realization of other’s growing out of his boyhood dawned on Junmyeon. 

 

Before Junmyeon could assimilate how he felt about his new found cognizance, he felt a kiss implanted to his hair and then his forehead, indication of his bedmate being awake. This was followed by a lingering kiss to the lips when Junmyeon looked up at the source of warmth spreading in his chest.

 

A sleepy ‘good morning’ reached his ears before commotion from outside startled him. Sehun noticed it too. They were quickly up from their bed and got dressed in the clothes scattered on the floor.

 

When they got to the living room, a very panicked Jongdae informed him “We can’t find Kris. He is not anywhere in the dorm and he is not answering his phone.” For a seemingly normal day, Junmyeon unusually lost a friend, a part of the team he was so proud of, the attached sense of security, and blind trust between his remaining members. There were ten other people who had lost all of these but only in the future he was to realize that he lost something with Sehun too. He could not define the ‘something’ but that did not mean he could not feel it.

 

********************************

 

It was not until October that year that Luhan announced he wanted to leave the group too. At least he shared his plans with the group, though that did not mean it did not crumble a little bit more of the trust members had left in one another.

 

All Junmyeon could do was wish him well and find his solace in Sehun’s arms later that night. Comforting platonic hugs was the last straw in whatever was left of them. Even though the loss of what he had with Sehun became more apparent during those hugs and it hurt, Junmyeon could not let go of them. They were the only thing that kept him together and up and going during the tough times.  

 

The day Kris left, Junmyeon had gone on stage all by himself to collect the trophy for a music show win. He had said assuring words to the fans and managed not to shed a single drop of tear. However, as soon as he was alone with Sehun in the privacy of their room, he had cried and cried until dawn when he finally fell asleep. And Sehun stayed through the night with him like a pillar. This became their nightly tradition, quickly replacing the older ones. And their old ways soon became just a distant memory.

 

There were times when he wanted to experience one last time what it felt like being held and ravished by Sehun. He would consider, as far as begging for it but the thought of seeing pity in Sehun’s eyes was scary. Clearly he was just a phase for the younger and he had to learn to live with it. And realistically who would find a cry-baby like Junmyeon attractive. There were times when Junmyeon would wish Sehun would not be kind enough to even lend his shoulder to cry, maybe then moving on from their ‘something’ would become easier.

 

Tao’s departure from the group the following year was the nail in the coffin for the China line of EXO. This meant changes in dynamics between the members, their place in the group and much more stress for Junmyeon. Both Sehun and Junmyeon being on the receiving ends of sacrificing their parts in the group to accommodate more members got another reason to relate to each other. In Junmyeon’s head, their brotherhood was now solidified, leaving no scope for a romance to bloom. If only his heart could accept what his mind had deduced, it would hurt less.

 

************************************

[2016]

 

“Sehun: closest buddy.” Junmyeon hoped Sehun would agree while writing the hashtag earlier. Baekhyun saw right through it and correctly guessed Junmyeon to be the one who wrote it right away. ‘Am I that easy to read?’ Junmyeon briefly wondered.

 

“Sehun and I have known each other since we were kids. Has it been 7 years?” Junmyeon tried to fill in the details for the MCs of the show.

 

“9 years!” Sehun corrected him.

 

“For a 9 year old friendship, you two do not look that close.” It was Leeteuk. He was their senior from another boy group and was clearly just pulling Junmyeon’s leg.

 

“We are close behind the scene. Sehun is like a real, younger brother to me.” Junmyeon felt the need to justify that they were very close indeed on being thrown under the bus for the nth time that day. Like any other variety show appearance, his EXO members had extensively but it had somehow left him feeling bullied when the MCs joined in too. And in his exasperated state, the ‘brother’ thing escaped his lips.

 

“My real, older brother isn’t him though.” Sehun’s words were laced with spite. The spite stung Junmyeon. He wanted to believe, he was special to Sehun in some way but apparently he was not, not even in a brotherly way. Just because someone means the world to you does not mean the other has to share those sentiments, or even a fraction of them. Junmyeon understood that, yet he felt hurt. The day went from bad to worst for him in a split of a second. But he laughed his hurt out because isn’t that how variety shows go, laugh out loud on your misery.

 

Later in the night, when Sehun walked into their room, Junmyeon expressed quietly “I had thought we were close.”

 

Sehun replied in a few words without even sparing the other a glance, before turning off the lights on his side, “We are but that does not mean you are like my brother.” It hurt Junmyeon even more the second time.

 

If Junmyeon was to look back at the incident, he would have realized how that became a turning point in their relationship. Earlier Sehun was always the one supporting and defending Junmyeon from anyone and everyone against the older. It was to the point that members had started referring to him as ‘Junmyeon’s boy’.

 

The supporting aspect did not change much after the incident but Sehun became the one always teasing Junmyeon. However, he always ensured he was the only one teasing the older and no one else. He was quick to shut anyone else who tried to do it and was quick to admit without apprehension “I am the only one allowed to be a brat to Junmyeon-ie hyung.”

 

Change was not limited to the younger’s playfulness. Backhugs, kisses on cheek, holding hands, cuddling on bed and a lot of skinship generally became a part of their equation. ‘Their equation as friends!’ Junmyeon had to often remind himself of that.

 

**************************************

[2017]

 

“Welcome to NCT night night with Johnny and Jaehyun. Our guests today are Suho and Sehun from EXO. Thanks for joining us!”

The members were enjoying some time off before stepping into packed schedules for another album release and promotions. They had small individual schedules but nothing that required more than a couple of days, if not just a couple of hours. Schedules like Junmyeon’s appearance alongside Sehun on a radio show hosted by the juniors at their company now.

 

Apart from that Junmyeon had recently finished a photoshoot in Switzerland and Sehun had attended a fashion show week in Paris. There was nothing surprising or out of the ordinary about any of those. What had become a huge trending topic among Korean netizens though was why the two men were on a trip together to the city of love.

 

In his defense, Junmyeon just wanted to travel with his ‘best buddy’ and Sehun was not reluctant. They were first planning a trip to Switzerland while Junmyeon had a schedule there but when that did not work out, Paris was the obvious next choice. Because at least one of them was going there for some business too. However, that did not keep the speculation theories of netizens and Seho-ists at bay. Not that he did not entertain those theories in his own head.

 

Junmyeon would never admit that he was low-key satisfied that their travel destination turned out to be Paris in that way because how else could he ask a friend, he was secretly infatuated with, to travel with him to the city of love. Infatuation may not be the correct term when those feelings had lasted for at least a couple of years but he did not let his mind dwell on the possibility of it being love.

 

So, obviously when the topic of their recent schedules came up, Junmyeon decided to put the curiosity of the netizens at rest and started talking about their trip without any provocation from the hosts. Sehun looked a bit taken aback at first but soon nodded and hummed in agreement.

 

They were more than half-way through the show and it had not felt like work even once. Junmyeon had been extremely comfortable talking with Sehun and his juniors from SM, Johnny and Jaehyun, even though thousands of people were listening into their conversations, which for most part were just him bickering with Sehun or Johnny teasing Sehun or the senior idols making fun of their junior counterparts.

 

It was all fun and talk until the question about potential names for Junmyeon and Sehun’s subunit came up. Johnny suggested ‘S.H. brothers’ and the immediate reaction of the two was expressing that it sounded good, without even really assimilating the implication of the name. Junmyeon smiled when he realized it and smirked teasingly, looking in Sehun’s direction. This caused Sehun’s expression to turn grim.

 

It could have been all in Junmyeon’s head, but he felt that that’s where Sehun started acting weird and speaking things out of place. Hosts were a bit confused about how to react but Junmyeon could not really blame them when he was himself rendered speechless.

 

First it happened when one of the listeners asked if the EXO members look themselves up on the internet often. It was a simple question followed by an innocuous question from the hosts ‘What is the most recent article you remember looking up about yourself?’ Junmyeon was still thinking about any recent article he could talk about, when Sehun blatantly interrupted him. It was a little surprising to Junmyeon as Sehun was never the one to take initiative in such situations.

 

Surprise soon turned into shock when Sehun started talking about some of the articles published about their trip to Paris. Sehun briefly placed his hand on the elder's thigh and started talking animatedly about the incident that was misconstrued by the articles. Junmyeon had to gulp down his nervousness by chugging water. Junmyeon had no reason to blush but he could not help getting affected thinking about some of the wild reactions of their fans and netizens.

 

When Sehun was asked what kind of concept he would like to go for if he were to have a solo song, the man blatantly asked Junmyeon to explain on his behalf. The reaction from the hosts would have been almost funny if Junmyeon did not have suddenly felt pressured to act as a personal spokesperson of the maknae. Jaehyun had almost looked amused before becoming really confused and lost about this unseen dynamic between the leader and maknae of a group.

 

The highlight of the show had to be the awkward silence from Sehun that stretched on for several seconds after Junmyeon answered a question from the listener. The question was about what they did in their room. It was a simple question, to which Junmyeon simply answered that they slept and then looked in Sehun’s direction expecting an agreeing nod from the younger. However, the younger man went numb for several seconds.

 

Sehun started, “In the room…” In that moment, Junmyeon noticed the hesitation in Sehun’s eyes but before he could gauge the situation, the man went on to add. “Junmyeon hyung likes to lie down on my bed with me. He has his own bed but for some reason he always comes to my bed.” Before anyone could misunderstand, he quickly added. “I do not have complaints about it, I am just saying that he lies down on my bed.”

 

Junmyeon tried to salvage the situation through humour and Johnny’s sincere effort quickly dissipated the awkwardness that followed the revelation. However, that did not mean that Junmyeon did not resolve in his head to never let it happen again. He never talked about it with anyone but he maintained strict physical boundaries with Sehun following that day.

 

He never realized the heartbreak his resolution brought upon himself. Less than a month later Sehun asked for a separate room. Maknae’s reason was simple and it was a revelation that turned Junmyeon’s life upside down. Sehun had a boyfriend who could be uncomfortable about him sharing a room with another man.

 

Junmyeon had officially become another man in the life of the person he loved. Yes, he loved Sehun. He had accepted that he loved Sehun despite that acceptance hurting his pride. His heart was already hurting so much that accepting it could not hurt him anymore. 

 

**************************************

 

“You have been living an idol life for 13 years. It must have been difficult. Is there any song which comforts you?” The man behind JYP Entertainment and host of the show named after him asked Junmyeon.

“I want to fall in love by Kim Johan. I can really connect to the song. It definitely reflects how I feel. I do my work, I exercise, I watch movies, I frequently visit the bookstore to see if there are any good books and buy them to just leave on the shelf”, Junmyeon said with an empty laugh and traces of tears in his eyes.

“Can we hear you sing the song?,” the host suggested.

“Come on, do it,” s encouraged, and the audience enthusiastically cheered.

 

undongeul hago yolsimhi ir-hago
jumaren yonghwado chenggyobogon he
sojome deullo chek soge ppajyoso
natson sesange gaseum solleji

iron inseng jongmal gwenchana boyo
nan nomu jal salgo isso

honde we nomu weropda na nunmuri nanda
ne insengeun itorok hwaryohande
godogi onda non naege mutneunda
noneun i sun-gan jinjja hengbok hani

 

Junmyeon ended the song and finally opened his eyes, to find the audience loudly cheering for him and all s looking unusually solemn. It was not a good sign. He realized he had let his feelings possess him in the middle of a shoot for a variety show. However, it had been like this for some time now, a little over 5 months to be precise. 

He has been too emotional and sensitive lately but can he be really blamed for it. He had been living in the constant presence of the man he loved but could never have his feelings reciprocated from. And to add salt to his wounds, he had experienced what physical and emotional intimacy felt like with that man. So, this sudden detachment was excruciating. He had already given up on keeping himself from crying in private and public.

************************************

Sehun and Junmyeon found themselves alone in the practice room before heading out to their respective cars. This was the first time they were alone with each other after the group’s recording schedule for the JYP party show. After recording for the show, the group did not have many schedules and took a break for the festival of Chuseok before restarting the drill for the concerts. Junmyeon had spent the break with his family, mostly sulking knowing that Sehun had gone for a vacation with his boyfriend, a much older man and well known chef, Suke.

 

Junmyeon had just walked out of the showers and Sehun was just lurking around, pretending to be gathering his stuff. Junmyeon felt the other was somewhat fidgety and wanted to say something. However, he was in no mood to get it out of the other forcefully.

 

Just when he was about to walk out of the practice room, Sehun spoke almost passive-aggressively. “Why do you do that?”

 

Junmyeon turned around at the unexpected tone in which the question was posed. “Do what?”

 

“Blaming others. Acting like the entire world is against your happiness. Like everything happening to you is unfair.” Before Junmyeon could call out the other for that statement, Sehun continued. “Like you are the only one hurting because everyone and everything around you has left you to suffer alone.” Sehun was not finished yet. “Why did you have to sing that song like you meant every word of it?”

 

Junmyeon remained silent for several seconds, just staring into the younger’s eyes, hoping his eyes would communicate what he had failed to express all this time.

 

“Because I am hurting. A lot. So much that it is hard to get up from the bed every morning and fall asleep every night. Sometimes it even gets hard to breathe. I am scared that in those brief moments when I can’t breath I feel relieved that maybe if death overtakes me I can finally stop hurting. I am not blaming the world for it, just this one person who used me like a toy, played with me and threw me away when he got tired.” Junmyeon’s face and voice became devoid of any emotion but the tears pooled in his eyes spoke a different story.

 

Sehun let out an empty chuckle. “That’s very convenient. Making me the bad person here.”

 

“I never said it was you.”

 

“Then who were you referring to, Junmyeon?” Junmyeon said nothing and bowed his head. Of course he was referring to Sehun.

 

“You know what you are? A selfish jerk! The biggest one I have ever known in my life.” That got Junmyeon to look back at the other man.

 

“What? I am the jerk here? And I am the selfish one?”

 

“For god’s sake just let me speak.”

 

“There is nothing to speak. If that’s how you think of me why even bother talking. You have done nothing wrong. You have a great boyfriend. You are happy. I am just the villain. So let me suffer. Why do you care about how I feel? Let me be the selfish jerk wallowing in his unwarranted pain.” 

 

“Sadly, because I had to fall in love with you. I was fifteen the first time I met you and I fell in love with you at the first sight. Ever since that’s all I have felt for you. Love, overwhelming type. One that consumed my entire existence.

 

First, you gave me a cold shoulder. It made me sad but I just told myself that what I wanted was impossible anyways. Your silent treatment is best for me to overcome my infatuation for you.

 

Then, one night you made a call to me. You were plastered and said some mean things but also said things that made me ponder if it was possible for you to reciprocate my feelings after all. You gave me hope.

 

Then, you let me have you whenever I wanted however I wanted. You just never refused. You gave me unsaid assurance that we had something special, one that could last for a long time.

 

Then I tried to give you space and just be there for you platonically because you were going through so much after Kris left. You gladly took it. You never even questioned the sudden change or asked for us to go back to how we were even after everything had passed. It devastated me but I could live with it. I told myself that you just did not reach the point of loving me yet. But it will happen soon once some more time passes.

 

But then you went around acting like we were brothers. Do brothers do the things we did? You just pretended that none of those things ever even happened between us.

 

I tried to bring our lost intimacy back. I would hold your hand out of the blue or place a kiss on your cheek. And you never stopped me and in fact returned those touches and kisses. But never took it any further. I had hoped that that would change on our trip to Paris because it is called the city of love and for us to be going there had to mean something. But it never did. I was friend-zoned and bro-zoned for good. And I accepted it. It took me a while but I did.

 

I tried to move on from you. Do you know how hard it was? Asking you to change rooms and refusing to hang out with you, each and every time broke my heart. However, I finally found someone I could move on with but you are not helping with that either.

 

All these past months, the way you have been acting I have realized one thing. You are a manipulative and self-centred bastard. You don’t like me. You like holding this power over me, playing with my feelings. You like to keep this control over me, keeping me as a puppet to your whims and whimsicals.

 

I am trying so hard not to get affected by your games but I am also human. Just let me live, Junmyeon. Leave me alone. Don’t make me regret falling in love with you.”

 

A continuous stream of tears was flowing from the taller’s eyes. And Junmyeon was so shocked out of his wits, that by the time he assimilated everything he heard, Sehun had rushed out of the room bawling. When Junmyeon went out in search of the other, he was informed that Sehun had already taken off in a cab.

 

***********************************

Sehun took the cab straight to his boyfriend’s house. He needed an escape and sadly but truthfully, the man provided him exactly that. He entered his boyfriend’s apartment using the code he knew so well, announcing his arrival to the occupant. Strangely, he got no reply indicating that Suke was probably still at work.

 

The house was eerily quiet, making him feel uncomfortable and putting his senses on alert. Yet he proceeded to the living room, planning to make the couch there his resting nest for the next couple of hours. He needed it due to his emotional and physical exhaustion from the happenings of the day.

 

What he was not expecting to see was his boyfriend on his knees, holding a ring in a room full of candles and rose petals. In that moment he thought to himself, there was no way the day could get any more eventful, and not in a good way. He immediately berated himself for the thought. He was supposed to be in love with the man proposing him to spend their lives together and he suddenly felt drained. In his defense, he had had a long and tiring day.

 

“Oh Sehun, you know I love you. What you probably don’t know is that I want to keep loving you for the rest of our lives. Will you allow me to do that? Will you marry me?”

 

Sehun tried to put a smile on his lips to conceal his shock. He had to remind himself that the scene unfolding before his eyes was really happening.

 

“Hyung, don’t you think it is too soon. I mean we have just started dating some time back.”

 

“5 months and 2 days to be precise and I just know it is you. So will you marry me?”

 

Sehun wanted to cry, not sure if that was out of happiness. After letting the silence linger for a bit too long, Sehun nodded once. The reply put a huge smile on the other man’s face. And Sehun mentally assured himself that what he did was indeed the right thing to do. He felt a strange heaviness settling in his gut when the ring was slipped onto his finger.

 

********************************

 

“Are you okay? Tell me what’s wrong.” His newly boyfriend-turned-fiance asked, breaking their kiss. The two men were lying on the bed and making-out to celebrate their future union. Or more accurately, Suke was the one making-out with Sehun while the other was just lying there, receiving it without much reciprocation or resistance.

 

Sehun wasn’t okay. So he sighed deeply and slowly opened up about his feelings to the elder. “It’s Jun. He has been giving me a hard time since he has learned I am dating you.”

 

Suke frowned a little. “How so?”

 

“He is pretending to be sad and blaming me for his supposed sadness.”

 

Suke stayed quiet for a few moments, trying to gauge how the other was really feeling despite his convincing words. “Why do you think he is pretending? He might be actually sad. You know he might have feelings for you.”

 

“Why now?” Sehun sounded frustrated but quickly added. “Why when I have moved on?” He said it with little conviction and Suke saw right through it.

 

“Have you? Moved on I mean.”

 

“Of course I have. I love you. And we just got engaged too.” Sehun said, showing his ring.

 

“Hmm… that’s true.” Suke asked after a little pause, “Why do you love me?”

 

“Why won’t I love you! There is absolutely no reason why I should not love you. You are the kindest person I know. You shower me with so much love and care all the time. You taught me what a real relation feels like and how I deserved to feel that way. You showed me if the other person truly cares for you, their words and actions would speak for it.

 

With Jun, I was always the one doing everything, taking all the initiative, pushing the boundaries every time and he just passively rolled with the flow. He did not even try or made any effort towards whatever we had. After being with you, I realized how disrespectful that was. He just never gave a damn.”

 

“It is not really disrespectful. Between us, I am the one taking the initiative most of the time too. That does not mean you don’t appreciate what we have.

 

As for Junmyeon, maybe he just never got a chance to express himself or did not know how to express what he felt. It is possible he never even realized his feelings for you before.”

 

“Whatever! None of that matters anymore now.”

 

“Seems like it does. Why do you love Junmyeon?”

 

“I-I... don’t!” When Suke raised his eyebrows questioningly, Sehun came out clean. “I don’t know why but I do. I have loved him for so long and unloving someone takes time. But trust me, my love for him is diminishing everyday.”

 

“Have you ever thought that maybe being in an ambiguous relation with Junmyeon was better than being with me?”

 

“No!,” Sehun answered a bit too quickly.

 

“Never?”

 

Sehun took a deep breath and answered, averting his eyes. “Sometimes.”

 

When Sehun did not add anything for a while, Suke continued. “Sehun, you still love him and I might just add, you only really love him.” Sehun tried to speak against it but Suke motioned the other to let him finish. “One doesn’t need a reason to love someone, they just do. Like you just love Junmyeon, no reason. It is just he makes you feel that way and you can’t control it. If one needs to look for reasons to love someone, like you are finding to love me, it is not love. You are probably just being grateful to me.”

 

Saying that, Suke delicately pulled the ring off Sehun’s finger. The other did not protest the action but questioned. “Are you breaking up with me?”

 

“Nope I am letting you choose without any burdens.”

 

************************************

 

Sehun opened the door to Suke’s apartment to leave and as soon as he did, he let out a scream on seeing an unexpected person standing there. The man standing there was in a horrible state, reeking of alcohol and eyes red, probably from crying if tear stained cheeks were any indication.

 

“Junmyeon! Why are you here? And how did you find out this place? Oh my god, you look in a really bad state. What happened?”

 

“I am here to tell you that I am sorry for how I have hurt you over the years. But I did those things, not to intentionally hurt you or manipulate you but to protect myself from getting hurt. I had never thought I could catch all these feelings for someone I had convinced myself into believing I ‘hated’ and was just toying with me. But I did and it hurt my pride.

 

Sehun you know I have a huge pride and usually it’s not a bad thing to have but this time it messed up the possibility of me having something beautiful with you. But now I won’t let my pride affect us. I love you, I have loved you for a really long time. And I am here to beg you to accept me. I can beg Suke-ssi to let you go, that is only if you want that too. Please Sehun-ah, please.”

 

Junmyeon had taken Sehun’s hand in his own and his eyes were pleading. Sehun did not even realize when his head nodded involuntarily. But Junmyeon took that for an acceptance and it brought a huge smile on his face. This left Sehun even more confused because the other was somehow both smiling and crying simultaneously.

 

“Where is Suke-ssi? I will talk to him.” After saying that much, all the while tears kept flowing down his cheeks, Junmyeon barged into the house and charged towards the man standing behind Sehun, who was watching everything unfold. Sehun was so shocked from all that was happening that he failed to stop Junmyeon before he could do anything.

 

“Suke-ssi, please let me have one last chance with Sehun. We love each other. Trust me that is the truth. We belong with each other.” Junmyeon had dropped to his knees and was literally begging the other with folded hands.

 

Sehun immediately rushed inside and tried to get Junmyeon back on his feet, telling him to shut up and that they should leave. However, the other just would not listen and in his exasperation, Sehun blurted out, “Junmyeon-ie hyung, we already broke up, like just before you came.” It had the intended effect on Junmyeon, who immediately stopped his blabbering.

 

Suke looked at the man kneeling in front of him with a mixture of amusement and envy. “That’s correct. So stop rubbing it in my face.”

 

Before Junmyeon could say anything or ask anything further, he was forced back to his feet and pulled out of the apartment by Sehun. Sehun muttered a quick apology and bid goodbye to his now ex-boyfriend before exiting both his apartment and his life.

 

****************************

The two men were sitting in Junmyeon's car in awkward silence, purposely avoiding any eye contact. When the silence had stretched beyond Junmyeon’s tolerance, he took a deep breath and started the conversation.

 

“You two broke up? What happened?” He was still looking at the steering wheel. The other replied in a similar manner, looking outside the windshield.

 

“He proposed to me.”

 

Junmyeon interrupted the other with his quick conclusions. “So when you rejected his proposal it led to the break-up.”

 

“Nope, I accepted the proposal.” That made Junmyeon snap his head in the other’s direction.

 

“What? So, you two are like engaged now? Like fiances?”

 

His eyes were red and tears were still pooled up there.

 

“Why are you still crying? I said we broke-up so stop crying. After a couple of hours of getting engaged, we broke-up.”

 

“Thank god!” Junmyeon let out without much thought but quickly followed it with an apology for his insensitivity.

 

“Don’t pretend to be sorry. Anyways, I am still in love with you and continuing the relation with Suke hyung only meant hurting him and myself.”

 

The admission brought a huge smile on the elder’s face. On the other hand, a frown grew on Sehun’s face. “Are you still crying? Or something is wrong with your eyes?”

 

Junmyeon looked nervous and visibly gulped before answering. “Umm… After you left the practice room all crying, I pondered over what you had said earlier and reflected on all those years we had been … together, or whatever you want to call it. It hit me for the first time that we were not together now not because of you but because of me. The thought hit a nerve and I did not realize when I started crying.

 

I think I sat in my car and cried for at least an hour because the tears just would not stop. They stopped only when I told myself that no matter what it will take but I am not going to give up on us just because you had found someone. But by the time I got here to make my confession, my tears had all dried up because I had cried so much earlier. And I wanted you to see me in the broken state that I was mentally and emotionally in. So…,” Junmyeon stopped blabbering and nervously glanced at Sehun before looking away.

 

Sehun squinted his eyes on hearing the long unfinished story. He had an inkling where the end was headed but he wanted the other to say it out loud because it still sounded all so ludicrous for someone like Junmyeon. “So?”

 

“So, I got myself some alcohol and glycerine from a nearby convenience store. Sehun trust me I genuinely feel…” Junmyeon was interrupted by the other. “So you put glycerine in your eyes for effect?” Junmyeon bowed down his head in shame, giving up on explaining himself, and gave a small nod. Sehun continued, “You smell drunk but you don’t sound drunk. What did you do with the alcohol?”

 

“I washed my mouth with some of it and sprinkled the rest on my clothes.” Junmyeon replied in a small voice, still not daring to look the other in the eye. He continued nervously, his eyes still trained on an empty spot on the wheel. “ I know it sounds like I am trying to manipulate you but it is not like that.” Junmyeon did not know what reaction to expect from the other but he definitely had not expected to hear the other laughing.

 

It was a long and boisterous laugh. Sehun’s eyes became wet from so much laughing and he had to take a deep breath before speaking. “I can’t believe you would do something so silly.” Sehun’s reaction somewhat relaxed Junmyeon but his embarrassment came in full force.

 

“I know, I can’t believe myself. It was the first thing that came to my mind and I just acted on it without a second thought.” Sehun did not miss the pout on the other’s lips. Accompanied with red eyes and nose, it made Sehun’s heart flutter and filled with overwhelming fondness for the other.

 

“I liked it though. It was silly but I liked it. You should do this more often.”

 

“What? Using glycerine and spraying clothes with alcohol?”

 

Sehun clicked his tongue. “Nope, not that. I mean acting on impulse. You know it is the first time you did something for me, for us.”

 

“That’s not true. This is the first time I did not hide my true intentions behind my actions. And see I made myself look like a fool.”

 

“Well, I like your ‘less-thinking-more-expressing fool’ self better then.”

 

“Do you like it enough to be in a relationship with it then?” Junmyeon paused before continuing assuringly. “It’s okay if you need time. I will wait for as long as you need.” Junmyeon chewed on his lower lip out of nervousness stemming from the lack of any response.

 

Sehun leaned over to the driver’s seat and pulled the other’s lower lip from under the teeth where it was getting abused. His words were breathed on to the other’s lips before they were completely captured with his own. “I want to make you suffer for breaking my heart all these years but I am not waiting anymore to make you my boyfriend.”

 

The fans of their ship were pleasantly surprised when the two appeared on an episode of Hello Counselor a month later. Junmyeon was all giggly, Sehun was unusually shy and the two were very touchy. So touchy that the one of the hosts on the show had to joke for them to just come out of the closet.

 

******************************

[2020]

 

“Happy birthday once again, even though I have already wished you at midnight. And I love you.” Junmyeon was live with the fans and had called up Sehun in relation to a task during O2sis, his fan-meeting event.

 

“You don’t have to love me.” Sehun went on to talk some more to the fans and Junmyeon could not stop the nervous chuckle that escaped him on hearing his boyfriend’s cold retort. It reminded him of the events from last night. He had messed up big time somehow.

 

A few days earlier he had told Sehun that he was going to gift the younger something meaningful for his birthday. To say that Sehun was excited was an understatement. The man would keep blushing whenever Junmyeon was in the vicinity. Initially Junmyeon was kind of weirded out but then he let the younger be.

 

At midnight on the special day, when he surprised the younger along with other group members with birthday wishes, a delicious cake and a lingering kiss, the younger kept looking at him expectedly. Junmyeon knew he was waiting to get his special gift. When he could no longer wait for it, Sehun pulled Junmyeon aside and asked shyly.

 

“Can you just do it? I can’t wait any longer.”

 

“Do what?” Junmyeon asked teasingly.

 

Sehun blushed and coyly spoke looking away, “Propose!”

 

That was unexpected. Junmyeon thought Sehun was asking for his gift. Junmyeon frowned in confusion and spurted the next words without much thought. “Propose what?”

 

Sehun was suddenly unsure. “Propose marriage.”

 

“MARRIAGE??” Junmyeon was a bit too loud. He attracted the attention of the other people in the room. However, they were people who had known the two for over a decade and were good at sensing tension and their queue to leave the two alone. So everyone filed out to their rooms wordlessly.

 

Once everyone had left the two alone, Sehun was the first one to begin the conversation. “So your meaningful gift was not a proposal. Clearly!”

 

“Umm Sehun… no. Why would you think I will propose to you? We have never talked about marriage before. I don’t even understand the purpose of marriage. I mean why would we get the law involved between us.”

 

“Woah! Okay. What was your special gift, may I ask?” Anger was evident in Sehun’s demeanor.

 

Junmyeon was no longer so sure about his gift anymore. “I know how much the children at the orphanage mean to you.  So, I was going to accompany you there on children’s day this year.”

 

“That’s your gift? Accompanying me to the orphanage. I mean things you should be obviously doing is your special gift? You are unbelievable.” Sehun did not stop there, rage dripping from his words. “We don’t talk about marriage, true. But I have talked about marriage. I talk about how I will make a good husband all the time. How can you not gauge from that that I want marriage. And now you are telling me you don’t believe in marriages only.”

 

“Sehun…” Junmyeon was interrupted. “Don’t say anything. In fact, don’t talk to me ever. And don’t bother accompanying me to the orphanage. I don’t want you there. I don’t know why I even expect you to keep up with my feelings and desires.” Saying that Sehun walked over to his room and shut the door behind him with a thud, leaving the elder shocked.

 

************************************

 

It was already late in the night by the time Junmyeon reached the dorms after completing his fan-meeting. The day was almost over and he regretted that he had spoilt his boyfriend’s day due to his ignorance. He had brought takeouts from Sehun’s favourite restaurant and bubble tea but he had no hopes this was going to make up for his foolishness.

 

He quietly knocked on the door to Sehun’s room. He got no reply but he entered despite not getting the permission to do so.

 

“Hey!” Junmyeon tried starting the conversation. Sehun was busy on his phone and did not even bother to look in the elder’s direction. 

 

“I got your favorite food and drink.” No response. “Have you already eaten?” No response, yet again. “Sehun, please. I am sorry. I just… I am an idiot. You know I don’t understand the most obvious things.”

 

“That’s not true and both of us know it.” That got a response from Sehun, a heated one but still it was something better than nothing. “You always know when any of the members is going through a hard time. You even try to make anybody working for us during filmings and recordings comfortable without a fail. You are generally very good at understanding people and their feelings. It is just me whom you don’t understand or possibly try not to understand. You just don’t make an effort with me.”

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“Then what is it like? Come on, tell me now.” Junmyeon bowed his head in shame, not knowing how to explain why he is almost careless when it comes to Sehun. “I am waiting, Junmyeon.”

 

Junmyeon spoke slowly, hoping the other would understand. “It is hard. Overthinking, overanalyzing to understand what others are feeling, without them having to spell it out, is hard. And exhausting. And I want to keep things easy between us. I don’t want to think about us, I just want to feel us. I am sorry that sometimes it comes across as carelessness. But really I just want to keep our relationship effortless. So, that it never gets tiring.

 

Things were so complicated between us for so many years because we kept our feelings from each other. So ever since we started dating, I had decided that I want to keep it simple between us. So, I keep no brain-to-mouth filter when I am with you. I tell you things as they are in my mind. I just never wondered if it was the same for you or not. And it led us to this.

 

I am so sorry Sehun. But trust me it is not because I don’t care about you. It happened because I just assumed that you were going to spell out your feelings for me without any hesitations or boundaries. I just thought you would never hold yourself back with me just like I never hold myself back with you.

 

Can you give me one last chance? Please don’t break up with me. I promise we will build our relationship however you would like.”

 

Junmyeon finished speaking and looked towards Sehun with pleading eyes. The other looked back into his eyes intently, not speaking even a word for what felt like ages, even though it must have been just several minutes.

 

“I want us to get married.” Sehun spoke with a straight face.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I am keeping it simple and telling you that I want us to get married.”

 

“Okay! Right now?” Junmyeon questioned.

 

“In the future. Near future.” Sehun stressed and finished with a pout.

 

“Okay, let’s do that.” Junmyeon replied with a huge grin.

 

“Really?” Junmyeon nodded. “You said you did not want to get married.”

 

“No, I said I don’t understand the purpose of marriage. But if that’s what you want, if getting married makes you happy, we will definitely get married. In my heart and soul, I have already made a commitment of a forever to you. If for you, marriage seals that commitment, I would be more than glad to do it.” That brought out a huge smile on the younger’s face.

 

“I want a nice proposal too and proper wedding bands for both of us.” Sehun supplied cheekily. “At least two kids and at least two dogs. I don’t gel well with cats, so none of those. And we will live in the countryside.” Sehun went on with narrating his plans for their future together while Junmyeon just kept looking at the younger with glee.

 

---

NOTES: Hello everyone! It has been a long time since I have shared something. I did not write all of this recently. This was the second fic that I had started but never finished. This had started after I had watched Junmyeon's cover of the song 'I want to fall in love' at JYP Party show. He had looked so sad that it made me feel very uneasy. I wanted to write something to make myself believe that he was just going through a rough phase but that has passed and everything is fine now. However, when he looked fine in his appearances later I lost the motivation to complete it and started with my other fic. And recently I got back to it because I wanted to do something short and simple before starting the next chaptered fic. But then I watched Junmyeon's heart4u episode where he talked about this very hard phase in his life with one of their managers, Yongmin. I almost decided against posting it because it somehow felt disrespectful. I am sorry if this fic made you uncomfortable. Feel free to tell me if you do feel uncomfortable with the fic and I will delete it because I do not want to diminish his struggles in any way or hurt anyone.

Coming to the next thing, EXO-SC are making a comeback and it looks promising. Sehun's moves in his solo 'on me' were so captivating. There is something about the way he dances that just demands attention. It is so hard for me to not look at it again and again. I mean I have watched his solo bit in 'Lotto' uncountable times by now. In kokobop I only watch his dance moves. His dancing to me, seems unconventional and in a really good way.

Okay quick question: is anyone still listening to Junmyeon's album almost everyday? Like complete album everyday? Because damn I am. It has been more than 3 months and I can't get over the fact how good it is. There are days when there is a lot on my mind and listening to his album becomes a need. O2 and for you now are really the songs that make me feel calm when my life seems to be going to . Starry night and self portrait help me let it out when I need a little crying. As the days go by, I relate to the album in more and more ways. I have never felt this way before, but I am genuinely grateful that Junmyeon gave us this album. Is there anyone with me on that?