There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out, but I'm too tough for him. I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you.

 

There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out, but I'm too tough for him. I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? You want to screw up the works?

 

There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night, sometimes when everybody’s asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. Then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep.

But I don't weep, do you?

 

 

 

Seeing him dancing on stage, sing with a passion that can stop famine around the world, features adorn with a smile that lights up the world, how do you do it? Why don’t you fall?

 

Practice, practice, practice.

 

 

 

“Hey,” he would breathe out, all strain and tired.

 

“Hey,” she would smile. It’s all an act to pretend he’s okay, an act both of them are so used to.

 

Small words work better, gestures mean so much more.

 

His head hits her shoulder and Alli stumbles back a few steps, surprise.

 

“You okay?”

 

She hears him sigh and looks up and laughs (it always sounds force after performances), “Yeah, just a little tired.”

 

“You sure?”

 

He nods, “Positive.”

 

 

 

In the next fifteen minutes, Hoya’s head is rested against her shoulder and he’s in dreamland. “You’re not that tough, you idiot,” Alli mutters to herself, hitting his head a little.  

 

“He’s like that but he doesn’t show it often, you’re really special,” Sunggyu remarks and she nods.

 

Not special enough.

 

 

 

A walk in the park should be normal but it isn’t. Hand in hand they walk, chattering about blithe nothingness. His jobs have limitations – a lot of it but it’s a package that comes with being with Hoya. It’s either you have him and the limitations or you have nothing.

 

Something’s better than nothing, right?

 

“The stars are out today,” a breath of smoke follows and Hoya cranks his neck to look at the sky.

 

“They’re out every day,” Alli reminds him.

 

“They look especially pretty today,” Hoya remarks, his eyes reflecting the twinkles from the stars. Hoya gives their intertwine hands a little squeeze.

 

“I really miss you, even though I saw you two days ago,” he chuckles.

 

“I miss you – Hoya, what’s on your arm?” Alli notices, her eyes on the colourful bruise. Hoya rolls down his sleeve and smiles faintly, “It’s nothing.”

 

When he doesn’t get the satisfied look he wanted, he chuckles again. “Really, it’s nothing.”

 

 

Alli closes her eyes and turns off the television that night. Her mother asks her what’s wrong and she response with ‘nothing.’

 

Suddenly it sounds so familiar.

 

The same night, she suddenly remembers watching the show on television – the one Infinite featured on; the one where Hoya told the MC how he got the bruise and how painful it was. She doesn’t think it was tantamount to the pain she felt when she saw him.

 

Sometimes, she thinks think he’s more truthful to the fans than he is to her.

 

 

 

Alli thinks the bottled feelings are going to explode and the sight isn’t pretty. But when one person isn’t cooperating and one person’s suppressing, it explodes. And explosions aren’t meant to be pretty, and harmless, it’s more so lethal and ugly. Just like how everything is.

 

 

 

A week passes and there are short phone calls and brief text messages. It’s not like Alli’s mad, it’s not that they’re arguing but it’s just how things are. He practices, she suppresses and both of them are acting again. Things fall back into place.

 

So she’s a bit surprise to see him at her house in the morning – he’s in his sweater and sweatpants. A morning run probably. “What’s up?” She asks and invites him in, though she knows his answer.

 

He shakes his head, “I have to leave soon, I just wanted to say hi.”

 

She’s never wrong when it comes to guessing and Hoya. “How’s the bruise?”

 

Hoya bashfully smiles, “It’s nothing –”

 

“Hoya...” she trails off. “I saw your show, why didn’t you tell me that –”

 

“Alli, it’s just a bruise.” Hoya says, a little frustrated. Now they’re interjecting each other, trying to fill in the holes in the bridge. The challenge is holding on and she’s desperately grasping the string, there are friction burns.

 

Alli cup his face and looks him straight in the eyes, “I’m your girlfriend, I’m supposed to know about these things – not from television shows.”

 

Hoya squirms away from her hold and reaches for her hands, “I know, I know but I don’t –”

 

Her eyes focus anywhere but his, “Hoya, I don’t –” She breathes; it’s simple: inhale, exhale. And repeat. “I don’t think I can continue then. I can’t do it.”

 

The explosion happens and Hoya is still taking in the effect. Is it fiction? Is it reality? What is it?

 

“What?” Hoya asks in disbelief or rather, he refuses to believe it.

 

“How do you expect me to love you when you don’t love yourself?” Alli asks, the tears stinging her eyes. She’s too tired of this, more tired than him after his practices, after his performances. She feels like collapsing.

 

Hoya stays quiet and she takes it as a sign to leave. She mutters a small bye and closes the door on him.

 

 

 

She wills herself not to cry. It hurts, it hurts her and it hurts him. They’re both hurting but if he learns to love himself, then he won’t hurt. And that’s okay.

 

 

 

Alli isn’t surprise to get a text message the next day—would it be surprising if it was from Sunggyu and not Hoya?

 

“Are you coming to watch us tomorrow?”

 

A wave of realization hits her. She forgot that tomorrow’s Thursday; Mnet Countdown. She knows she’ll make Hoya off-kilter though.

 

She quickly responds with: “I can’t. You guys will do well.”

 

“I understand.”  It’s crazy but she can almost imagine Sunggyu’s considerate expression, as if he knows what’s going on and he doesn’t want to force anything.

 

 

 

It takes so much persistence to not rush out the door to support Infinite on their performance. Text messages will never be sufficient, especially when it’s only towards Sunggyu but it’s the closest she can get. Sometimes, she wonders if nothing is better than a little bit of something.

 

 

 

“You haven’t been talking about –” her friend looks around, wary, “—Hoya lately. Did something happen?”

 

Alli shakes her head, “Nothing happened. I don’t know what we are though.” Did we break up? Did I break up with him? Is it over?

 

Her friend stares at her weirdly, confused. “Did you guys break up?”

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

“Do you want to break up?”

 

“No.”

 

 

 

Alli doesn’t expect Hoya to come at her with a dozen assortment of flowers begging for forgiveness; he didn’t do anything wrong. But would it be too much to ask if she had wished that Hoya had tried to ask her what she meant? She knows it’s wishful thinking.

 

 

 

Alli’s bag is falling off her shoulder as she tries to rummage through it; trying to find her cell phone. It’s been ringing for a while now but she couldn’t hear it because of the people gushing out of the school doors. Her breath hitches when she sees his name.

 

“Hello? Hoya?” Her voice is shaky but nowhere as shaky as her fingers are.

 

“Hi, can we uhh – talk?" He stutters.

 

She feels the butterflies crashing into her stomach walls; they don’t hurt but they cause her to stop and think. Can they talk? “Please?”

 

She contemplates but sighs, “Sure, I’ll let you decide when.”

 

“Is right now okay?”

 

“RIGHT NOW?!” Her eyes dart to the nearest window to look at herself. Thankfully, her hair’s pristine and her makeup covers up almost everything that needs to be covered.

 

“You don’t have to look into the store's window, you look fine.”  She hears Hoya laugh and it’s like nothing ever happened between them.

 

“What –”

 

“I see you.”

 

“Where are –” She sees him, smiling at her in front of her school gates. She sees him lower the phone and she hears the line go dead. She wills herself to take the first step but her legs don’t listen and she stands there, watching Hoya walk towards her.

 

They stare at each other with no smiles or frowns. His eyes are telling her many things.

 

“I feel happy, excited, nervous, scared, and a little insecure when I’m with you.” Hoya says, holding both of her hands, “When I’m with the members, I feel relax, comfortable, happy and a little jealous. On stage, I get nervous, jumpy, lacking, scared but there’s this little part of me that’s excited.”

 

She tilts her head at Hoya, confused. “What?”

 

“I’m telling you everything,” he looks straight into her eyes, determination burning.

 

She smiles and gives his hands a little squeeze.

 

“I don’t tell you or the members for that matter everything because you guys are too important. I don’t want you to be worried about me so I keep everything inside. It’s weird but nothing’s really normal, right?”

 

“I still don’t understand what’s happening but I’m happy, that’s a good thing, right?”

 

“It is. But you know, when you walked away that day, I was sad, confused, worried and heartbroken.” Hoya frowns cutely and she laughs. He leans in and whispers, “Don’t leave again, okay?”

 

“Okay, I promise I won’t; you can stop it now,” Alli rolls her eyes and he smiles with his fang-like teeths. She isn’t a big fan of his smile but she finds it extremely endearing.

 

“And right now, I’m happy, jumpy, relieved and –”

 

Her hand’s clamp over his mouth. She feels his lips curve into a smile and she tries to stifle her laughter. “Hoya, I said to stop.”

 

 

 

But I don't weep, do you? 

 

“Yes, I do weep.”

 

 

LE FIN!

 

A/N: This is a story dedicated to my best friend, Alli <33! She's been nagging and begging for a Hoya fanfiction so here it is! Hoya I find is one of the harder members to write because he's so perfect...like literally, no flaws that man XD So trying to find a flaw in him to ignitea fight was so hard ;w; but here it is!! and there's hoaegi <3