College had only started for 2 weeks and Jung Jinsol already felt like dropping out. She slammed her head to the table in frustration after losing the staring contest with the digital clock on the wall for the 19th time in 1 hour. Yes, she counted. And yes, she had a staring contest with an inanimate object. She grumbled loudly, sounding more like a dying gazette than a vengeful hyena. Not that she cared, but apparently her friend did, as her stomach fat was pinched brutally as soon as the sound escaped .

“Yo, what the Jungeun, that hurts,” she hissed, looking at her friend’s unamused face. Kim Jungeun might only be a first-year, but she was definitely more mature than third-year Jung Jinsol.

“You make a sound one more time and I’ll make sure that’s the last sound that will ever escape that annoying throat of yours,” Jungeun said in one breath and Jinsol couldn’t help but be impressed with the one-breath threat aimed toward her.

Keeping a mental note to exercise more so that she could threaten people in one breath, Jinsol nodded and melted into her seat, now finding entertainment at her newly-cut bangs. It was a normal cut, trimmed just nicely above her eyebrows, but apparently it had an exponential impact towards her fellow college mates. Eyes were turned as she walked toward her faculty building and people were downright ogling at her. Not that it was new to her. Jinsol was quite popular on campus, but she was usually not the spotlight woman of the week or something. Another person had taken that role from her, and now that she was actually thinking of that person she could feel tighten.

Oh no.

Jinsol jerked upright, startling Jungeun mid-concentration. She quickly grabbed her stuff from the table and roughly shoved them into her bag, muttering a soft I gotta go and see you later to a stunned Jungeun. She burst out of the auditorium, her professor’s voice dimming as she walked quickly towards the nearest toilet. She went to the nearest available cubicle and crouched down, retching hard to get rid of the cursed content from inside .

When she was done, she could see the flower petals inside the toilet bowl, the tip of the petal marked with her own blood. It was a white carnation, and its near-complete form terrified Jinsol. She had read about the disease, had done extensive research once she realised what she had been experiencing, and a complete flower with thorns around it meant that it was too late.

She went out of the cubicle to wash her bloodied hands, feeling grateful that none of the blood dirtied her shirt. She could still feel the coppery taste in and quickly rinsed it, hoping the chlorinated water could somehow dissipate the awful feeling.

Looking at her washed expression in the mirror, she sighed. Today’s gonna be a long day.

 

***

Jinsol’s second lesson of the day was in the design building. She just barely made it in time after getting lost in thought looking at the pigeons behind her faculty building.

Stupid pigeons.

She went up the aisle and sat at the upper corner of the auditorium. She knew nobody in this class, and this was the first physical meeting for this particular subject. She shivered under the mercy of the AC, cursing at herself for only wearing a cotton tee today.

She could hear the professor clearing his throat as he started the lesson proper, but she was soon distracted. Her chain of thoughts were broken when she heard the auditorium door being pushed roughly. She got startled, almost dropping her pencil that she balanced on top of her nose. Annoyed, she squinted at the culprit, who was bowing half-assedly to the annoyed professor, and her breath was taken away.

Literally, because she needed to cough to steady her breathing again.

Ha Sooyoung.

The said woman was climbing the aisle as she looked for empty seats, seemingly nonchalant. Her shoulder-length hair was pushed back, and her beige-coloured ribbed cardigan hung loosely on her body, revealing an open white shirt that looked too good on her more than what Jinsol wanted to admit. But what caught Jinsol’s attention more was her jeans, with the initial JS embroidered at the left thigh. It was hers.

Sooyoung’s eyes caught Jinsol’s staring ones, and her face contorted. It went from a look of surprise to recognition to cold facade, and Sooyoung was the first one to break contact. She then went to sit at an empty seat in the middle of the auditorium, as if the sight of Jinsol at the upper level was a calamity she should not touch.

Jinsol would have convinced herself that she was okay. After all, they did not end things well last summer, so it was normal for Sooyoung to avoid her. But her heart told otherwise as the thorns tightened around it again. She crouched down, biting at her lips to minimise the pain. Tears stung her eyes as the pain did not subside this time, and she could feel herself slipping into unconsciousness.

And everything was dark.

 

***

Jinsol regained consciousness with a terrible headache. She had not felt like this before at all, and she suspected seeing the older girl in physical form might have triggered the worse of this stupid disease. She stood up and began collecting her belongings, realizing that she had just spent 4 hours of her day doing nothing except for vomiting blood and fainting.

Good job Jung Jinsol.

She began treading the aisle when she saw a familiar figure still seated on the same seat that she had been staring for a while before fainting. Ha Sooyoung.

The said girl was hunched over something, not noticing Jinsol’s presence at all. But as Jinsol passed by, she could feel the other girl looked up from whatever was occupying her. Before she could confirm her hypothesis, Ha Sooyoung spoke up.

“Jung Jinsol.”

Jinsol bit her lip. She missed that voice, the same melodious voice that had always accompanied her through day and night. The same voice that cracked stupid jokes nobody would laugh at except for Jinsol herself. The same voice that serenaded her to sleep, even though the self-made lyrics sounded ridiculous and not children-friendly at all. The same voice that had always called her name, full of warmth and joy. The same voice who no longer bore such warmth but instead filled with tension and hostility.

It took every ounce of her remaining strength to turn and face the girl of her dream and nightmare. Jinsol put up her ‘best’ smile and regarded her former friend:

“Ha Sooyoung.”

Now it was Sooyoung’s turn to look stunned. But the vulnerable expression was gone in the next second, and the cold mask was back on. She handed Jinsol a folder etched with her name on top. Jinsol must have looked very confused because Sooyoung sighed and began explaining rather exasperatedly.

“Assignment. For the whole semester. That bald head of a professor wants everyone to do it in pairs. We got paired. Any more questions?”

Jinsol shook her head mechanically, her bodily functions somehow quite disconnected from her sluggish brain. She watched as Sooyoung packed her bag and left the auditorium, the echo emanating from the banged door loud in the silence.

It took quite a moment for Jinsol to process what had just happened. And to be honest, she did not know whether her pairing up with Sooyoung was good or not.

Please let me live longer, whatever god is up there.

 

***

The first thing Jinsol did after arriving at her dorm was to jump on top of her cousin, which doubled as her roommate. The next thing she knew, she was on the floor, and a certain Kim Hyunjin was holding a desk lamp over her head.

“You have a death wish, Miss Jung?” Hyunjin smiled, a smile that did not quite reach her eyes.

“Oh to die in the hands of a fair maiden! I suppose one must compromise to have a beautiful death!” Jinsol exclaimed, waving her hand animatedly as she craned her neck to imitate the stage actresses she had always admired.

In the end she got whacked with the desk lamp. Curse Hyunjin and her big hands.

Massaging her scalp, she rolled onto her bed and stared at the ceiling, looking at the specks of dust that were building up at the air grate.

“Hey Kimyeonjiiin~”

“What.”

“How does falling in love feel like?”

“Jung Jinsol did I hit you that hard?”

“I’m serious you brat. Answer me.”

Hyunjin stopped twirling her pen and thought carefully. It was public knowledge that her cousin had recently gotten together with Jeon Heejin, the first-year Madonna who Jinsol suspected was not full Korean. There was no way she could have the angular beauty of a European princess like that in this homogeneous country.

“I guess…,” Hyunjin started, pulling Jinsol away from her stupid imaginations. “...it’s like everything was dull until you met the one. I mean, not literally dull, but you never realise how that person can light up an already lighted place that is your life. Being around that person makes you happy; they make you you, and you they. Every moment is cherished, even to the simplest tasks. Cause it’s different when you’re with the one, where everything ordinary becomes extraordinary. And it’s not the fault of the circumstances, but that this certain someone has come into your life and brightened up everything. And you don’t want to lose your light, as you cannot imagine life without light, where everything is dark. Cause it’s not fun to be kept in the dark, and worse when the dark is yourself.”

Jinsol whistled lowly as Hyunjin finished, raising her eyebrows. “Awww, I didn’t know you’re such a romantic person.”

“You have 3 seconds to redeem yourself before this lamp finds its destination again,” Hyunjin replied, her ears red. Her cousin had always been bad about expressing herself, but seeing her like this, Jinsol couldn’t help but be happy for her. She stood up and ruffled the younger girl’s hair, earning a complaint.

“Why do you ask anyway?” Hyunjin asked, fussing about her victimised hair. “What about you? How is love to you?”

Jinsol smiled sadly. She already knew what her answer would be. For a long time.

“It was painful.”

 

***

Jinsol’s legs couldn’t stop shaking. She was at the cafe near campus, waiting for a certain someone to arrive. And that certain someone was already 15 minutes late.

16 minutes now.

She blew on her bangs, getting annoyed by the minute. She had finished her iced americano while waiting, the melting ice evidence of the long wait. She did not want to buy a new one, what with her wallet constantly being devoid of money. So she checked her phone, reading the text messages over and over again to make sure she was not scammed or something.

 

Sooyoung
(Yesterday)

Hi. This is Sooyoung. Meet me at
Cafe Rosy tmr @ 4pm. For assignment.
Bring the related materials.
23:37pm

Okay. See you tomorrow!
23:37pm

(Today)

I’m here alr. Seat nearest to the window
3:45pm

Where are you? It’s 4:05 already
4:05pm

:(
4:09pm

It’s been 15 minutes…
4:15pm

16 minutes...
4:16pm

17 minutes...
4:17pm

18 minutes...
4:18pm

19 minutes...
4:19pm

Congratulations you’ve reached
the 20th mark of lateness! :]
4:20pm

Jinsol would have sent another message had the real Ha Sooyoung not materialised in front of her suddenly. She dropped her phone at the sudden appearance and proceeded to clear to distract her partner from the embarrassment.

But Ha Sooyoung just scowled at her.

“If you wanted to spam someone, at least spam intelligently.”

Jinsol raised her eyebrow. Gone were all the plans that she had crafted the night before to make amends with Sooyoung. She forgot that this side of Sooyoung was - to be frank - very annoying.

“At least try not to be late? I’ve been waiting for more than 20 minutes! Besides, what does spam intelligently even mean? What is that, an oxymoron?”

“You of all people should know exactly what I mean, Jung Jinsol.”

Jinsol massaged her hurting head. Not this again. “Sooyoung can we please not argue now? Our grades are at stake here and you’re being very childish.”

Sooyoung scoffed, pretending to be hurt. “There you go again. Do I need to remind you that the world doesn’t revolve around you? Everyone has their own problems, but apparently little Jung Jinsol here is oblivious as always cause she only cares about herself .”

Jinsol’s face reddened with anger due to Sooyoung’s accusation. She admitted that she was - more often than not - quite dense about other people’s predicament, but to be told that she was selfish by the person she trusted the most? It stung.

She could feel the thorns tightened again as she abruptly stood up. Sooyoung sized her with her gaze, waiting for a comeback. But Jinsol had no time for that. Gritting her teeth to keep the pain at bay, she was quite proud of herself for not breaking down as she said the words she had meant to say all this time.

“Ha Sooyoung, you’re insufferable.”

 

***

The first time Jung Jinsol realised she had fallen in love with Ha Sooyoung, she was scared. It was during her second year in high school when she realised that boys did not give her the exact same fluttering feelings as girls did, and it was during her first year of university that she realised her childhood friend had outgrown her baby cheeks and had grown into a fine and beautiful woman that were adored by many. Inclusive of her.

Love was a very heavy word to describe this newfound feeling. It was weird because they technically grew up together, knew each other’s vices and virtues, protected each other and did everything together. This blooming feeling disoriented Jinsol. She did not want to lose the close friendship she had had with Sooyoung, but being around the older girl for a prolonged period of time did more damage to her, physically and mentally. And so she started avoiding Sooyoung.

It was hard because Jinsol couldn’t remember ever doing something without at least telling Sooyoung about it. Her life had been intertwined too deeply with Ha Sooyoung’s to the point that complete separation was impossible. And what’s worse, she felt bad for Sooyoung, seeing her best friend’s pout after Jinsol ignored her from time to time, probably wondering what was wrong with her that caused Jinsol to pull away. Jinsol had wanted to scream that it was not Sooyoung’s fault, that it was entirely hers because she had fallen for her. But Jinsol was a coward, and so she kept doing what she could do best - avoiding Ha Sooyoung.

 

***

It was the summer break after their second year that Jinsol knew she couldn’t run away from Sooyoung anymore. While in school, she often made up excuses to not meet up, citing that her Humanities assignments were too hellish to be completed given the time period or that her pet fish had died and her cousin Hyunjin refused to do proper burial to the poor betta. She was thankful that they were from different faculties, as Sooyoung was pursuing Fashion Design while Jinsol was stuck in the Humanities department. Jinsol and Sooyoung were roommates during their first year, but they moved out due to their contrasting sleep schedules and assignments. And so Jinsol roomed with Hyunjin while Sooyoung roomed with Jungeun’s best friend, Kim Jiwoo, who was an Art student.

But now that summer holiday finally came, she needed to go back and stay in her hometown for the next 3 months. And that hometown consisted of Ha Sooyoung.

Sooyoung had promised to fetch her home, and as Jinsol was occupied with her phone, a blue classic Cadillac rolled to the dorm entrance. Sooyoung had bought the car from a second-hand antique sale at their hometown, and she was very proud of her loot.

“Climb inside, madame,” Sooyoung smirked as Jinsol rolled her eyes and stuffed her luggage to the back seat. She proceeded to occupy the seat next to Sooyoung as she reversed out from the entrance.

They mainly drove in silence, with Sooyoung occasionally humming to the songs played by the car radio. It was unusual for them to be quiet, given that they had not seen each other for a long period of time, but Jinsol somehow did not have energy to talk. Her chest had been throbbing since the past week, and she suspected that her childhood asthma had returned, although there had not been any attack so far. She was grateful that Sooyoung somehow knew, as her gaze on the front view mirror was close to understanding. At least to Jinsol’s point of view. So Jinsol retreated back into her own mind and admired the view as it flashed by, a kaleidoscope of dull colours as the convertible surfed through the deserted highway. The constant rumble of the old car engine and Sooyoung’s melodious humming accompanied Jinsol as she closed her eyes, sleep closer to her than she thought.

 

***

She was woken up by something cold poking her cheek. She jerked upright to see Sooyoung laughing at her from outside the car window, ice creams in both hands. Jinsol tried to glare at her, which earned an even more roaring laughter from her. As Sooyoung wheezed for air after laughing too hard, Jinsol propped herself up and scanned her surroundings. They had stopped at the petrol station just outside their hometown, which doubled as a rest area with a convenience store that sold many things that were borderline illegal. But it was a nice place, a familiar one, as she and Sooyoung often ran away to this place whenever they felt suffocated with their problems.

“‘ere,” Sooyoung offered one of the ice cream to Jinsol.

Jinsol took the free offer and got out of the car to join Sooyoung on top of the car hood. They laid side by side in silence, the only sound made was the slurping sound of ice cream as dusk crept near the horizon. Jinsol enjoyed the comfortable silence, but the look on Sooyoung’s face told her that the other girl had so much to talk about.

“What is it Sooyoung?” Jinsol asked, earning a surprised look from Sooyoung.

“You really know me best do you,” Sooyoung relented and chuckled.

Jinsol smacked her on the shoulder, earning an exaggerated gasp from Sooyoung. “Of course! I’m your best friend, you idiot. I was even there during your water baptism where you thought you’re gonna drown cause the priest pushed you inside the water at the count of 2 instead of 3.”

Sooyoung scrunched her nose at the embarrassing memory. “Can we please not talk about that? I'm still traumatised.”

“Nah you’re just gay.”

“I can say the same about you Soulie.”

Jinsol’s breath hitched at the nickname that Sooyoung had not used for so long and the melodious laugh that came afterwards. ‘Soulie’ had been Jinsol’s Club Penguin username, while Sooyoung’s was ‘Yves’ due to her craze towards a certain French design brand.

Jinsol hugged her legs to hide her reddening face, muttering that the night breeze was cold. Seeing a shivering Jinsol, Sooyoung then shrugged her jacket and placed it on Jinsol’s shoulders, a gesture of close friendship, but to Jinsol it was more.

“Speaking of being gay,” Sooyoung started. “I need to tell you something.”

Jinsol looked up to see Sooyoung… embarrassed? Her face was redder than before and her gaze was glazed, although the smile was warm and sweet. Jinsol had always tho