Winter was the season of the year that Joohyun liked the most. As a photographer, her skillful eyes would tell her that the weather would reveal much about people's moods and, in that snow, they were in their most personal state: fragile, exposed to such cold. Because of that, Joohyun would take plenty of her daily time walking through Seoul, randomly asking people to take pictures of them. It was her way to gather stories and faces, her way to capture the essence of humanity and its particularities. She'd spend hours wandering through the streets.

 

Although that hobby of hers had nothing to do with her real job as a magazine photographer, Joohyun would reserve that time of her routine as a sacred thing, she couldn't live a day without her walks and photos. But that afternoon was too cold even for her, who loved to watch people walking in a hurry, with their hands hidden in their pockets. Her big black coat and black gloves couldn't stand a chance against that snowy weather, so she ran into the first coffee shop she saw.

 

Joohyun only took her time to study the place when she sat comfortably at one of the tables next to the window; the café was small and had few customers, the glass walls would let the sunshine make its way through the room and that made Joohyun's eyes illuminate. It was so beautiful. She smiled to herself and ordered a black coffee when the waiter came, still looking around like a curious child.

 

She'd find beauty in those small things, in simple weather moods, in cozy, warm coffee shops and, of course, in random people in random places. Joohyun's favorite part of having such a perspective of the world was that she could freeze those details and make them last forever, only with a click and some adjustments.

 

But, in that moment, she had to work on some pictures she didn't find that inquiring. Joohyun wasn't a fan of what she did at the magazine she worked for, but it was fine as long as she could just take photos. She thought that capturing models in well prepared studios with fake lightning wasn't the best that photography could offer to the world. Even though it had its importance, Joohyun would much rather the randomness of street photography. It was a side of her that she kept all to herself, not by choice, but by the circumstances of her extreme solitude.

 

Joohyun would never share her thoughts on photography because she didn't have anyone to do that with in the first place. The closest she'd get to someone was through the photos she'd take of them. She wouldn't talk, she wouldn't hang out, she wouldn't have lunch with anyone at work. She was always on her own. And that was such a permanent thing in her life that she felt nothing about it. Joohyun didn't feel bothered about her loneliness, she was habituated to it. She learned how to be by herself without any damage on her being. She welcomed sadness and solitude as a part of who she was. Used to those feelings, Joohyun kept her sociability through her photographs, it was her way to keep in touch with others.

 

The place wasn't as cold as the outside, so Joohyun took her coat and gloves off and pulled her camera and laptop out of her bag to start editing the photoshoot photos she had done for her work. When her coffee arrived and she drank the hot liquid her whole body felt warmer, and that ambience was making her feel too comfortable to wonder about how she couldn't see any emotion in the eyes of the model she worked with in the shooting. Through the screen of her laptop, all of those pictures were nothing but superficial propaganda made to sell products. Capitalism hates art, Joohyun would always say to herself. However, she knew it was possible to find a remote piece of beauty on her work for that company; she would make her best to give her photos meanings beyond advertising, she'd try to keep the models comfortable, she'd give her best to edit them not so out of reality. Joohyun's work had much of herself in it, through her lenses and through her editing, it wasn't just a camera, it was her method of changing the world.

 

Joohyun would never easily lose focus when she was working, but in the minute she lifted her head up to stretch her neck, she spotted a woman sitting a few tables across from her. She had her hair in a bun and was wearing a grey turtleneck, with a laptop on her table, she'd have been only one more costumer working at the coffee shop, but what caught Joohyun's attention was the fact that the woman was staring straight at her. Joohyun tried not to look as embarrassed as she was on the inside when she hurriedly turned her eyes back to her laptop's screen. She knew she was blushing, but Joohyun didn't blame herself for it; the woman was gorgeous. She tried a quick glance at her again and the woman was still looking. She smiled at Joohyun. A smile so beautiful that the photographer couldn't help but to set the reflection of the sunlight through the glass walls as the perfect illumination for the perfect model she had just found, randomly. How Joohyun loved the coincidences of life.

 

The photographer smiled back sheepishly and turned to her screen. But Joohyun wasn't concentrated anymore, she wanted to take the photo of that woman so bad she couldn't think of anything else. She drank her coffee and kept her eyes on the laptop, trying really hard to maintain focus. But it turned out to be impossible when the woman got to her table and asked in a calm voice, “Are you a photographer?”

 

Joohyun was surprised that the woman got to her table so quickly and without making a noise, but what really caught her attention was how she looked even more beautiful up close. Joohyun took a few seconds to understand what was happening there and felt her cheeks burning when she noticed the woman was charmingly smiling at her. Then she replied, “Uh, yes…?” in a question tone.

 

“Do you mind if I sit?” the woman asked, pointing at the chair opposite to Joohyun's.

 

In fact, the photographer found that question ridiculous. Why would she want to sit with me?

 

“No…” she ended up saying.

 

The woman sat, still smiling at Joohyun. The sunlight ran across her face and made she look stunning. All Joohyun wanted was to grab her camera and capture such casual beauty.

 

They looked at each other for a brief moment, awkwardly, but to Joohyun's relief, the woman spoke first, “I was working and you caught my attention,” she justified herself. “A photographer must have many stories to tell.”

 

“Uh, I have a few, actually,” Joohyun replied, shyly drinking her coffee.

 

“I'm a bit out of ideas, you see,” the woman continued. “I think I could use some stories from a photographer.”

 

“What do you mean?” Joohyun asked, frowning. “Are you a writer?”

 

The woman smiled and shook her head, saying, “No, I'm a film director,” and adding not so long after, “I'm writing a screenplay.”

 

“Oh, a film director…” Joohyun said rather impressed, thinking that she was way too young to be a film director. Not to limit anyone, but Joohyun always imagined that directors were supposed to be older. The magazine she worked for sometimes did interviews with film industry people, so it wouldn't be a surprise if she knew who that director was — at least by name. Then she asked, “What's your name?”

 

“Kang Seulgi,” the director answered with a smirk.

 

As soon as the photographer heard that name, she knew she had already heard it before.

 

“I know you!” Joohyun exclaimed. “I took some pictures of an actress of yours.”

 

“An actress of mine?” Seulgi asked with her raised eyebrows, finding funny how Joohyun worded it.

 

“Yes!” she answered, excited with that coincidence. “She was working with you in a film I don't quite remember the name…”

 

Joohyun closed her eyes to search that memory in her head. The actress was mesmerizing, and it was one of the favorite models she worked with. She listened to Joohyun's tips carefully and they both were very comfortable with each other. “Joy, right?” she suddenly said, smiling happily to remember. “She was great.”

 

“Oh… Joy.” Seulgi smiled, but in a different way, she seemed tired suddenly.

 

“She was shooting something called Perfect Velvet or something,” Joohyun reminded, oblivious to the fact that Seulgi didn't seem to want to talk about it much.

 

“The Perfect Red Velvet,” the director corrected, with that same tired smile.

 

“That's right.”

 

‘My latest film,’ Seulgi explained. ‘Joy was the protagonist. She's very talented.’

 

“She is indeed,” Joohyun agreed.

 

“Did you watch it?” Seulgi questioned hopefully, as if she was expecting a positive answer.

 

“No, but she was great to work with. I imagine she's great at acting as well,” Joohyun replied, feeling a little embarrassed because she didn't watch the movie.

 

They fell into silence for a moment. Joohyun noticed the director was looking at her carefully, as though analyzing her. A look Joohyun thought many women would find rather unpleasant, since they were just strangers, but that glance was a new experience; Joohyun never had anyone looking at her in that way, and she couldn't help but to feel very shy. She wasn’t bothered, though.

 

“And what's your name?” Seulgi asked after a while.

 

“Oh, it's Joohyun. Bae Joohyun,” she introduced herself sheepishly, not daring to look at Seulgi and trying to keep her eyes on the laptop's screen. She was very conscious that the director was staring at her shamelessly and that fact made her feel even more timid, but she strangely didn't want her to stop. They were both quiet.

 

“Am I bothering you?” Seulgi finally broke the silence between them.

 

“No,” Joohyun quickly answered. “I just don't know what to say, I'm sorry.”

 

“What are you working on?” the director looked curious as she squinted her eyes to Joohyun's laptop.

 

“Oh, just making a few adjustments.”

 

Seulgi nodded, interested on Joohyun's answer as if they were in a lecture. Then she asked, “Would you rather do it alone? I don't want to disturb you.”

 

“You can stay. I'm just shy,” Joohyun explained fast, smiling as they looked into each other's eyes. Seulgi smiled too.

 

“Well, if I'm not bothering I would love to hear some of your stories.” She grinned in understanding. “As I said, I'm a bit out of ideas.”

 

“What kind of stories?” Joohyun wanted to know.

 

Seulgi's mouth would always be in the shape of a slight smirk and Joohyun thought it made her look even younger and very attractive. And when she replied, “Really any situation you found interesting,” she had a dreamy expression on her face. She was dazzling, that was all Joohyun could think.

 

“Well…” Joohyun started, “I don't have any story from work. It's pretty boring there, actually. But I have a few from my street photography.”

 

“Street photography?” the director seemed absorbed in Joohyun's words, making herself comfortable on her chair.

 

“It's what I do off the record.” She laughed. “I just walk around the city and if I see someone that calls my attention, I ask them for a picture.”

 

“What does it take to call your attention?” Seulgi asked out of curiosity.

 

“I guess I don't quite have the answer for that question.”

 

Seulgi giggled and Joohyun noticed she had an eye smile which was making her feel slightly impatient over the fact that she was restraining herself from taking a picture of.

 

“So, you'd say it's random?” she asked.

 

“I guess so. I don't really have any rule about it, and it's this casualness that makes everything more interesting,” Joohyun explained.

 

“Do I have what it takes to fit that casualness that you appreciate that much?”

 

Seulgi wasn't smiling, but she still had that smirk on her face, and she rose her left eyebrow, showing her curiosity through her expression and her voice.

 

“Yes,” Joohyun said, thinking it was enough for an answer, considering the fact that she wanted to capture that face ever since she spotted Seulgi.

 

“Then take a picture of me!” Seulgi exclaimed in excitement. Joohyun felt like a child getting what she wanted.

 

The photographer smiled and unplugged her camera from her laptop, setting it ready to do what the director asked. She pointed the camera at Seulgi and saw her through the lenses; she looked as if she was made to be framed. Joohyun zoomed and noticed her model had eye bags recklessly covered by make-up, exposing exactly what she liked to capture: frailty. Not that the director expressed any kind of insecurity or weakness, but Joohyun thought that in the eyes of her camera, she could see the unrevealed. Maybe Seulgi wasn't the insecure type at all, but Joohyun knew she had noticed something unusual on a superficial look. An attempt to disguise tired eyes. What else was she trying to hide?

 

The photo was taken the second Seulgi gave her the cutest smile, Joohyun then realized she was smiling as well.

 

“Here.” Joohyun turned the camera and showed Seulgi the photo through the small screen.

 

“You made me look beautiful,” she said, admiring her own image.

 

“You made it beautiful.” Joohyun pulled off and plugged the camera back to the laptop.

 

“I'm absolutely flattered right now,” Seulgi replied, smiling.

 

She had a moony smile on her face, staring at the table, her hands under it. Even though Joohyun could see the woman right in front of her, it was as if the filmmaker was in a world of her own. And she couldn't miss that, so she silently unplugged her camera once again and aimed to that slice of beauty immersed in thoughts, and zooming in and out, Joohyun found it that was even more of her essence; she was just there, with a foolish smirk on, staring at nowhere, reeling through any thought Joohyun would never properly know about. Click. And she had it; that stranger who casually sat with her in a coffee shop, miles away, captured perfectly. The simplest of the pictures, but so much meaning behind it, exactly what Joohyun wanted to achieve.

 

The director heard when she made her move to take the picture and stared at the photographer, surprised. “I wasn't ready!” she exclaimed.

 

“And that fit perfectly,” Joohyun said, plugging the camera back to the laptop. “It's definitely going to my wall.”

 

“To your wall?” Seulgi frowned.

 

“Where I keep my favorite pictures,” the photographer explained.

 

“You're joking.” Seulgi grinned. “You have a wall of those pictures?”

 

“Yeah, I have a wall of those pictures.”

 

“That's superb!” the filmmaker exclaimed and Joohyun could tell she was indeed excited with that information. “Well, I have a suggestion, then.”

 

“What suggestion?” Joohyun asked curiously.

 

“We can buy some bottles of soju, head to your place and drink while you tell me the stories behind the pictures of your wall. What do you say?” Seulgi asked, looking very hopeful, which made Joohyun frown because she never had anyone besides plumbers going to her apartment and she was aware that they only went there because it was on her rent contract.

 

The thought of having someone over her place wasn't as absurd as the fact that someone actually wanted to go to her place. Joohyun tried to seek for some reason why Seulgi would want to hang out with her because the thought of such an interesting — and probably well-known — woman asking to spend some time together was beyond madness.

 

“Okay,” Joohyun answered in a quiet voice.

 

“You sure? You don't seem to fancy my suggestion that much,” Seulgi pointed out, smiling sheepishly.

 

“No, I do, I really do.” Joohyun tried to smile. “I'm just not used to visits.”

 

“I promise I'll be gentle.” Seulgi smirked. What an unusual thing to have someone so attractive making such a request, that was all Joohyun could think.

 

They paid the bill and got out of the coffee shop, stopping by a convenience store to buy the drinks and walking fast to run from the extreme cold of Seoul’s streets, directly to Joohyun's apartment. Even with the rush, they kept the conversation going, in which Seulgi spoke the most and Joohyun listened, not minding it much because she enjoyed listening to her.

 

“I was talking to my coworkers and they told me I never took so much time to write a screenplay ever before,” Seulgi said while they walked, snorting a little bit before adding, “as if I didn't know, I'm the one who writes it... I just can't do much if inspiration doesn't show, you know?”

 

“I guess so,” Joohyun replied quietly, not knowing exactly what to say.

 

“Last year I released three films, maybe my creativity is quite done now,” she muttered without much emotion in her voice, as if it wasn't a big deal to begin with.

 

“Three films in a year?” Joohyun asked in a surprised tone, she wasn't a fan of cinema, but she surely knew three films in a year meant a lot of work.

 

“Yeah, it was quite a good one,” Seulgi said proudly.

 

They kept talking until they got into Joohyun's place, sighing in relief when they entered her small and warm apartment. After taking their coats, gloves and shoes off, Joohyun showed Seulgi the way to her even smaller kitchen, where the filmmaker carefully put their bag with drinks on the counter.

 

Joohyun brought two glasses and they sat on the stools, opening a bottle and pouring the liquid for them.

 

“Thank you.” Seulgi smiled and rose her cup before saying, “Cheers.”

 

They sipped the drink and, after they've emptied the whole bottle, Joohyun was already laughing at everything Seulgi was saying.

 

“Three films is just too much, you can't be serious,” the photographer provoked in the middle of their laughs.

 

“You're probably right since I can't seem to write anything anymore.” Seulgi giggled even more.

 

“I like that, it shows that you love what you do.”

 

“Yeah, I can't deny that,” Seulgi said thoughtfully. “But what about you? I didn't even see your wall!”

 

“Oh.” Joohyun recalled about the woman's wish. “Come with me.”

 

With their drinks in hand, Joohyun guided Seulgi through her humble place. Her living room had an old couch and an old television that didn't really seem to be used in years, but what would caught anyone's attention in that room was right beside the TV's spot: a wall with twenty, maybe thirty pictures glued to it. Seulgi got close to it in slow steps, analyzing each and all of them with an interested expression. Joohyun just stood there, watching the scene.

 

It took five or ten minutes until Seulgi said something, enough time to Joohyun finish all the content in her glass.

 

“It's… absolutely splendid,” the director stated. “I don't think I've ever seen such a soul in a production before.” Seulgi turned to Joohyun, amazement clear in her face. “You are a talent,” she said.

 

“Thank you.” Joohyun blushed.

 

“I'm truly amazed, Joohyun,” she uttered before adding, “the way you captured them exactly the way you wanted to, it's so real, so pure, so raw. It's just… people, in the most beautiful way… their own.”

 

“Thanks,” Joohyun repeated.

 

“I've been trying to bring exactly this feeling to my movies for so long...” Seulgi turned back to the pictures. “To just show the audience who they are: gullible, cheap, alluring… how selfish and hypocrite they can be. I want to make the viewer quiver in discomfort because that unfortunate character acts exactly like them. You see what you've done here, Joohyun? It's life itself through a simple photograph, taken in such randomness. No studio, no make up, just natural lightening…” She looked back to Joohyun and said in her firm voice, “and of course, much talent.”

 

If Joohyun weren't slightly drunk she would've probably just done nothing, but the alcohol gave her enough courage to answer, “Thank you for your words, they mean a lot, really. I'm sorry, I'm quite shy.”

 

“It's okay,” Seulgi comforted her, smirking. “I'm really amazed. I feel… privileged. Your work is as breathtaking as you are.”

 

Joohyun smiled. “I'm quite proud of them, actually,” she admitted.

 

“As you should.”

 

“It's very different from my real job, it's more pleasant to me.”

 

“Do you talk to them? Take their numbers, make bonds?” Seulgi asked, turning to stare at the wall.

 

“No,” Joohyun answered. “I just ask to take a picture. Some ask me to send it, some not. Once this girl asked me if I'd take y pictures of her.”

 

“And?” Seulgi questioned, frowning at her.

 

“What? I said no, of course.” Joohyun sniffed. “I don't have any problem with it, I just prefer another kind of exposition.”

 

“Oh.” Seulgi turned back to the pictures. “So you don't really know any of these people?”

 

Joohyun shook her head and said, “I don't even know their names...”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I don't ask.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Why should I?”

 

They looked at each other with a funny expression, both quite puzzled with where that conversation was going. They ended up laughing together.

 

“I mean, if you did, you could make friends, or whatever.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Asking their names would be a way to get to know them.”

 

“Uh, I just…” Joohyun mumbled and Seulgi looked at her attentively. “I don't think they want to be asked that. I don't know, I don't think they would want me to ask anything but a picture. I'd feel nosy.”

 

“What?” Seulgi giggled. “You wouldn't be nosy to ask someone's name, Joohyun. Why do you think such thing?”

 

“I don't know, I just don't believe people want me around, or something,” she explained sheepishly, making clear her lack of self-confidence.

 

“You're being silly.”

 

“I don't think so.”

 

“Well, I'm here, isn't that being around you?”

 

“I mean, yeah, but-”

 

“But?” Seulgi pressed.

 

“It's weird,” Joohyun uttered shyly.

 

“Am I bothering you?” Seulgi asked.

 

“No,” she answered quickly, “I mean it's weird that you want to be here. Normally, this wouldn't be happening.”

 

For a moment they just shared a firm look in which Joohyun noticed they were quite drunk. However, she still felt that Seulgi's gaze was overflowing with deep care, as if she was utterly worried about the fact that she could've been a disturbance to Joohyun. But she wasn't, she could never be. Not with such a charming smile and welcoming words. Joohyun felt wanted.

 

“I'm glad this isn't normal, then,” the director said, smiling beautifully and making Joohyun feel her drunk heart skipping a beat as she watched Seulgi's eyes disappear, in a pretty eye-smile.

 

“Me too,” Joohyun admitted after a few seconds, in a surge of courage.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

They smiled at each other and Joohyun felt her body heavier than before. She laughed to herself.

 

“You wanna go sit?” Seulgi said, noticing the photographer's body slightly swaying.

 

Joohyun nodded and a few minutes later they finished another bottle. Joohyun could notice how even her apartment gave her the feeling of strangeness because of the laughing and talking, since it has been only her and silence as far as she could remember, perhaps ever since she moved there. Her solitude mingled with her place and quietness was a part of its structure just like that pictures' wall was. Her house absorbed her personality; both were used to loneliness.

 

“You're very beautiful,” Seulgi said out of nowhere. Their fourth bottle was halfway near the end.

 

“I'm not,” Joohyun retorted with a shy smile.

 

“You are, I'm telling you.”

 

Joohyun was staring at her and Seulgi's eyes were roaming through her face, catching every detail and saving it to properly remember later. The photographer noticed she took longer staring at her lips, but she was too drunk to deviate.

 

“I wouldn't lie to such beauty,” the filmmaker confessed. “I could never lie to you. You're so beautiful.”

 

“I'm not,” Joohyun denied automatically.

 

“You are! Stop that,” Seulgi chuckled. “You're so pretty it's making my cheeks warm up.”

 

“What?” Joohyun giggled in confusion.

 

“I don't know, you're just too beautiful, my body is reacting strange.”

 

They laughed together and finished the bottle. Just when Seulgi opened the next one, Joohyun decided to say, “I'm not beautiful enough, then.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“You say I'm all that, but if you're not lying then why am I like this?”

 

They weren't smiling anymore, Joohyun had a gloomy expression, her eyes had a sorrowful brightness, and Seulgi looked interested and worried at the same time, but she still poured them the drink.

 

“Like what?” the director asked.

 

“Alone,” she replied, eyeing the steam of her glass. “absolutely alone. Sometimes it's fine, but sometimes it's unbearable. I'm so alone that it's normal for me to just come home after work and cry out of loneliness until I fall asleep. It hurts so much and it has been hurting me for so long that I don't feel sadness as an emotion anymore. It feels almost like a normal thing, like it's my personality. I'm sad like someone is funny.”

 

Seulgi didn't dare to say anything and Joohyun knew that meant she could keep going, so she did.

 

“I spend hours looking at that wall. I talk to them, I give them names, I pretend they're friends or something. I do that because I don't have anyone to talk to. But they're just pictures, they're not my friends, in reality they have their friends, I'm the one who doesn't. I only get calls from work. They like my photos but not enough to invite me for their happy hours. I wish I had friends, why can't I have friends?”

 

Joohyun stared at Seulgi with the most miserable look, a desperate one, as if she had been searching for that answer for a long time.

 

They stood there, just looking at each other for a moment, enjoying such emotional feeling present in the air, both women precisely observing each other's features. Joohyun felt so much affection coming from Seulgi's gaze that she felt like crying, such tenderness she couldn't even remember to have ever felt before. She held that stare and really hated herself for not having any camera nearby to capture that.

 

Seulgi seemed completely drowned into the task of admiring Joohyun. She barely blinked. was slightly opened and her stare lost in Joohyun's beauty.

 

“You are so beautiful,” she said once again.

 

Seulgi held Joohyun's face in her hands, never leaving her gaze. Joohyun had tears in her eyes and Seulgi kissed them off when they fell down her cheeks. Her lips felt soft and carried so much devotion that Joohyun couldn't help but to release all of her anguish and cry in Seulgi's embrace.

 

The director never stopped her task, she would travel around Joohyun's cheeks, eyes and nose with her lips, taking her time as if she was trying to erase that melancholy away through her caresses. They were sharing a passionate moment that warmed Joohyun's heart in a way that no photograph had ever done, no photoshoot, no random capture around Seoul. Seulgi's warmth was new and her favorite already.

 

They were both smelling of alcohol, but they didn't even care, that was the last thing going around Joohyun's mind. She just closed her eyes and enjoyed the filmmaker's touch.

 

Joohyun felt lips on hers. They were wet and salty but their softness was utterly pleasant. She didn't have time to feel unsettled by the surprise because Seulgi's kiss was so fulfilled with care that she decided to focus only in the fact that she had just given the director more freedom in . Joohyun was glad she allowed Seulgi to go further when she realized her organs were performing somersaults out of joy inside her. She smiled involuntarily. A smile that possibly made Seulgi wake up from whatever dream she was having while kissing the photographer.

 

The filmmaker stopped and didn't open her eyes when Joohyun looked at her.

 

“I'm sorry,” Seulgi said, still holding Joohyun's face. “I'm so sorry.”

 

Tears fell down Seulgi's cheeks and in seconds she was weeping like a lost child. Joohyun didn't know what to do, she didn't understand why she was having such reaction in the first place, what on Earth could be the reason to that crying?

 

Seulgi dried the tears with her hands, but the redness in her face would tell any person that she was heavily crying. She looked down and, as if accepting her emotions, she sobbed without hesitation.

 

Joohyun was completely shocked to make any move, to say any word. She was petrified and all that warmness from Seulgi's kiss was gone as if it had never even been in there. She just stared at the director, looking so fragile, so vulnerable. Her lenses had told her that Seulgi tried to disguise something, but her make up couldn't stand a chance against the exhaled weakness that Joohyun was watching.

 

She cried for what Joohyun imagined to be hours, could've been days, weeks. A sort of never-ending pain that Seulgi seemed to be trying to remove through her tears. And just when Joohyun started to wonder about calming her, the director said in a voice that'd make anyone feel sorry for her, “I'm married.”

 

Seulgi's words worked as an eraser that wiped out any good feeling Joohyun thought she had felt ever since she met the director. If she were married then everything had been a lie, her words, her touches, her kiss. Joohyun could clearly see why Seulgi was crying so much; the guilt, the dirt running through her veins were probably fuel to that whining.

 

Joohyun felt used, but mostly she felt contaminated, corrupted. She was part of a betrayal? When she finally felt wanted, desired; when she finally had someone to listen to her, to hold her and tell her that she was beautiful, it was through dishonesty?

 

She felt like crying but she didn't dare to. The alcohol was telling her that was a bad move, she couldn't present herself as the innocent girl that had been fooled by some charming, coward cheater, she couldn't give her that taste, not anymore.

 

“I'm sorry,” Seulgi repeated, head still down, hands on her face. “The actress you worked with, Joy, we're married. We've been going through a lot ever since we moved in together because how not to in this country? It's so much to bear with, so much to handle. I have to be so strong, I must keep it away from the media otherwise I have no audience.”

 

Seulgi cried while spitting all those words that Joohyun imagined she had been wanting to say out loud for a long time. She didn't make any comments.

 

“It's taking everything away from me, I don't even feel human anymore. What kind of life is that? Hiding the one you love? It's been so long that I don't even think I love her anymore. I look at her and I feel tired, exhausted. And then I saw you, so beautiful, so pure and innocent sitting in that café. Joohyun, you are just so beautiful.”

 

She cried even more. Joohyun didn't say anything, didn't move a single finger, just staring at that poor soul drenched into sorrow. And Joohyun didn't properly know why, but she felt her heart sinking after following all of that. She tried hard not to let that come to her, but even the alcohol couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face.

 

Seulgi seemed utterly miserable, crying so much that her hands were wet from trying to wipe the tears away. The charming director wasn't there anymore, just this miserable figure sitting on Joohyun's stool, by Joohyun's counter. Her place was so used to that kind of scene, perhaps its environment stimulated the filmmaker's crying. Or perhaps it was Joohyun's presence that brought anyone near her to melancholy.

 

Even when she felt slightly close to a spark of bliss, this depression would grasp her back to desolation.

 

She wouldn't wipe her tears away like Seulgi, she welcomed that part of her, she felt it all. Each tear sliding through her skin was a reminder of who she was, this lonely creature that had gloom as company. Seulgi's cry showed her that it didn't matter if she tried, if someone else tried, she was meant to be alone.

 

Seulgi rose her head so she could take her glass and took a long sip of Soju. She seemed calmer, although her face was swollen and red. Her eyes looked extremely tired, her sleeves that she used as an attempt to dry her tears were wet. Her lips were quivering.

 

“I'm sorry,” said Seulgi again.

 

Joohyun didn't answer, she couldn't think of anything to respond.

 

“I didn't plan any of this.” The director glanced at Joohyun and noticed she was still crying. “I'm so sorry, Joohyun, I'm so, so sorry.”

 

Seulgi's apologies were nothing more than an encouragement for Joohyun to cry even more. The photographer felt quite ashamed and buried her face in her hands.

 

“Please, forgive me, Joohyun,” Seulgi begged. “It was never my intention. I'm this weak person who seeks for any thing that brings the smallest will to live. But you're not just that, you can't be used like this.”

 

“You lied,” was everything Joohyun could say in the middle of her sobbing, never looking at Seulgi.

 

“No! I couldn't lie to you, Joohyun,” she protested. “I meant every word, about your talent, about your work, about how beautiful you are. I just wish things were different.”

 

Joohyun shuddered when she felt Seulgi's touch. The director put her hands over Joohyun's, taking them off of her face and replacing with her own.

 

“Look at me,” she asked.

 

When their eyes met Joohyun knew that even if she wanted she couldn't ever look away. Seulgi still carried that little hope of brightness in her look. Joohyun felt hypnotized.

 

“I'm so, so sorry. It's all my fault,” Seulgi mumbled almost desperately. “I screwed this up, but you're so precious. You have true talent and you deserve so much more.”

 

Joohyun's sadness suddenly turned into an anger that even herself couldn't understand. She frowned and spilled the words that hammered her head, “Do you think I deserve more?”

 

“Uh, yes, of course,” Seulgi stuttered in confusion.

 

“I don't need pity from a coward.”

 

Joohyun got rid of Seulgi's embrace, disgust in every move she made. She wouldn't accept that form of affection, Seulgi's words became empty and repulsive. Joohyun instantly remembered Joy, the loving actress she gladly worked with, she didn't deserve any of that, she was the one who deserved so much more, more than the cheater she shared a life with.

 

Seulgi's face was in complete turmoil, as if she had just heard the most absurd words. She opened but any sound came out of it.

 

“I know people feel sorry when they hear I don't have anyone,” Joohyun said, “but I'd rather stay the same than accepting love from someone like you.”

 

Joohyun eyed that swollen face. Seulgi's nose was still red and her look still tired, but she seemed in deep embarrassment then. The photographer's words made her sit straight, keeping a distance between them. She poured the last of the drink in her own glass and drank all of it in one sip. Joohyun just watched her.

 

“I'm sorry,” said Seulgi without looking at Joohyun. “You're probably right, no, you are right. I am a coward, I see that very clearly.”

 

Staring at her profile, Joohyun could see tears shyly falling down the director's face.

 

“You don't need my words, you're right. About everything,” she added. “I should go.”

 

Joohyun knew that some part of her wanted to ask Seulgi to stay, to keep talking to her, to hold and kiss her again, to keep her company. But she also knew that she should say no to that, to deny any reckless and desperate request so she could feel wanted, because that wouldn't be her. Joohyun praised the beauty hidden in details that couldn't be perceived superficially, to her that was the true beauty of the world, and if she were to be finally taken by someone, even if the thought seemed so absurd, she'd want it to be no less than the essence of her pictures. The soul that Seulgi saw in her work, she wanted that to be part of any impossible connection with someone. Asking her to stay would be to go totally against this idea, and that just wasn't Joohyun.

 

She watched Seulgi when she stood on her feet, her face colored in red and wet with tears. The filmmaker avoided Joohyun's eyes as if she were ashamed to do it so.

 

“I'm sorry,” said Seulgi for what it seemed to be the thousandth time.

 

She stood there, waiting something from Joohyun, a word, a signal, but nothing came, and Seulgi wiped her tears with her sleeve and walked towards the door.

 

Joohyun didn't look, she kept her eyes on her glass, without paying any attention to it. In truth, she was attentively listening to Seulgi's footsteps, her sniffing, her coughing, smelling the last of the alcohol coming from her. She was maybe intentionally catching all of that as the last of what she thought it would be a change. Those sounds, that smell, those footsteps were all passengers in that apartment, the same way Seulgi was in Joohyun's life. This light that came from nowhere and landed right in front of her as a reminder that she shouldn't ever treat her solitude as nothing but permanent.

 

When she heard the door being closed it hit her as if she had just woke up from a very deep sleep. She automatically got up and cleaned everything, threw the bottles in the trash, washed the glasses and took a shower. Never thinking, she wouldn't dare to do such thing.

 

When she sat on her couch wearing her pajamas, she could still feel her head dizzy. She had just denied her insobriety until then, when she rested her head on the back of the settee and couldn't properly tell if the ceiling had always been moving. Probably not.

 

Joohyun tried hard not to think about the recent events, specially under the effects of Soju, but at the same time, she knew how impossible it'd be to simply turn away from the fact that her chest was empty as though her heart had just sunk into nowhere. She was breathing heavily, trying to keep some pace and calming herself down. Soon she was crying.

 

The tears falling down her face burned her cheeks as a reminder of how naive she was earlier. She had accepted solitude as her only true company, she knew her destiny lied with loneliness, then why did she act that way in Seulgi's presence?

 

What did Seulgi's company bring her that she suddenly felt that her life could be different? She wasn't alone waiting for someone to save her from darkness, she was fine by herself, living her life of sorrow. Or at least she thought she was.

 

Perhaps Seulgi came to prove that even when the thought of change appeared, it could never be her truth. Seulgi could've been single but she wasn't because Joohyun had to be alone. Seulgi could've been rude but she wasn't because Joohyun had to taste something she would never entirely have. Seulgi was a reminder that loneliness was her only fate.

 

Joohyun felt her head cracking in ache from crying so much. She sat straight on the couch and she knew exactly what she had to do. She got up and walked to her bag, taking her laptop and camera from it and heading to her desk. Joohyun sat and carefully connected them to the printer, patiently selecting Seulgi's picture daydreaming in the café and even though she could perfectly remember the fact that she smiled in satisfaction when she took that photo, she couldn't feel anything but regret and shame staring at it again.

 

When the photo was printed Joohyun held it and went to her pictures' wall. She glued Seulgi's photo in the middle, in a way she'd always be the first one Joohyun would see when observing her works.

 

She was still crying when she took a step back to analyze the newest character of her wall. Joohyun sobbed even more when she took her time appreciating the way Seulgi's smile lighted up her entire face. She seemed so beautiful, so careless, and so fragile on her own way.

 

Tears never stopped falling to the idea of how shattered the owner of such pure smile had left Joohyun's heart. Her lips felt like a graveyard to the memory of the director's kiss. The skin where Seulgi's hands passed had bruises. And the usualness in crying was surprised by how Joohyun imagined having just met the most painful of sadness' forms. She felt so much sorrow that she didn't feel as someone, as a person. She was made of deception. Invisible to anything else, incapable of loving, of caring, of bonding.

 

Joohyun looked at the wall and thought of destroying all of it, to get rid of all those photos but what then? Who would she be? What on Earth could she ever do to fight her fate?

 

Joohyun gazed at Seulgi. Her smile, her round face, her hair in a bun, her turtleneck. She listened to her voice, she felt her touch, she kissed her lips. Everything told her that she couldn't ever deviate from the path that led straight to her life, to who she was. And when she'd ever imagine that she could, she would come back to Seulgi; the reminder that she couldn't.