I can’t overcome my feelings of sadness
It’s hard to fall asleep
I endure the dark nights once again
Regardless of my despairs
unconcerned, morning comes and wakes me up
The wounds hurt more than I thought
The pain is getting deeper than I thought
The many nights full of resentment, blaming you
To me, it seems like hell

Hold Me Cover By Chanyeol in JYP Party People
https://youtu.be/xtah5UEV9uE

Recording day 2017/09/11 D-193

❧

2017/10/02 D-172

Loud music. Dazzling fluorescent light. Smoke in the air.

Girls wearing almost nothing squealed in the laps of his friends while he sipped his drink indifferently sitting right across them. Recalling the crazy things this lot had done in the past trips in Japan, he could easily predict where they were heading to after this karaoke session. It’s situation like this that made him wonder whether he behaved like the normal hot blooded adult that he should be: sane or saint.

Well, at least he was not alone in this attitude of indifference that would make some question his uality. He glanced at his side to find Tae Joon hyung still texting fervently with his phone maintaining the same posture for almost half an hour.

The two Japanese girls assigned to the two of them were instead singing and dancing in the middle of the room, throwing some seducing glances at his poker face from time to time. One of the girl actually got a decent voice. He’d give her that. He had deliberately asked them to be on the other side of room, only because it would be totally weird if nobody was singing in a karaoke room this size.

He took his hat off to his friends for their ways with women. Always a brief encounter. Nothing serious. Easy come and easy go without hard feelings. Who want love when pleasure can come in such easy way?

He had been in love, and had fallen out of love some years ago, mainly due to the pressure from the preparation of his debut. But there were not as many ex-girlfriends in his life as alleged by the netizens. Being very disciplined in every aspect of his career, he often maintained careful physical distances with all the females he could have encountered in his work so as to prevent the other party from getting the wrong ideas.

Until Son Seungwan. He thought of her and recalled what she said.

He had been surprised to find her seek him out intentionally for he had thought she would continue to pretend nothing had happened between them. No Son Seungwan had the guts to face him directly and even the grace to tell him that they should both focus on their career. “Let’s be friends and supportive sunbae-hoobae,” said she sincerely. Her gracefulness made him wonder whether she had done this before. Well, he supposed she had practiced the same speech as many times as he had rejected the other female idols.

He was still wounded somehow. Not that her rejection had hurt his pride. But because her reasoning of her rejection implied that his confession was merely an impulse for him, that if he had thought this through, for his fans, for his group and for his career, he would not have done it. That’s the part that made him reacted in a fit of pique.

“Did you guys watch Chanyeol on the JYP Party People show yesterday night?” asked Zico while his girl stood up from his lap to refill his drink.
“I did,” said Lee Jonghyun raising his head from the nook of his girl, seemed to be already drunken, “it’s kind of depressing to watch, to be frank.”
“He talked some bulls about being grateful for the love from his fans when they had forbade them to date until they were like ninety years old,” mocked Zico.
“Everybody got some crazy fans,” said Choi Tae Joon finally looked up from his phone, “EXO’s fans are crazier. I’d give you that.”
He sipped his drink quietly. Well, he could neither agree nor disagree. He made his points quite clearly in that show in front of his fans, like how she had put it.

Being loved this much and thought of by so many people is something truly to be grateful for. By reminding myself that give me strength to go on as an artist. Whenever I feel down or doubtful about myself, I think of how blessed I am to have this kind of job.

He would only remind himself how blessed his was. Despite how bitterly.

“Please stand by my side, stay with me~ I’m holding your hand~ Don’t let me go~ If you step one foot away from me, I’ll take a step forward~” Lee Jonghyun suddenly began to sing the song he covered in the Party People show.
He really wanted to throw something at him. These guys could use every opportunity to mercilessly. He now wasn’t sure where the headache in his head came from the embarrassment or the out-of-tune vocal of this alleged boyband singer.
“I need some air,” said he making his leave. He started to regret having this trip. It was nothing like he imagined. He would rather be alone exploring some new landscapes. Maybe to Philippines.

❧

Choi Tae Joon had known Chanyeol because they were both in the cast of the drama Missing 9. They had a great chemistry and become good friends since then. Unlike Zico and Lee Jonghyun, he became the newbie of this gang only because of Chanyeol. So when Chanyeol took his leave, he followed right away with the pretense of taking a call.

They had wandered around Tokyo for almost half an hour now. Despite of not knowing where they were heading, Tae Joon recalled Chanyeol had the habit of walking if he needed to clear his mind. So they two walked side by side silently while Tae Joon occasionally checked his phone for new messages. 
“It’s been the whole night.”
“What?”
“Hyung,” Chanyeol gave Tae Joon a look, “texting.”
“Ah sorry for neglecting you. What would you like to talk about?”
“As long as it is not about me.”
“Fine. We can talk about something else if you don’t want to talk about yourself.”
“Fine. A drink?”
“Again? Really??”

That’s how they still ended up drinking for the second round tonight in a modest Isakaya by the street on the way back to their hotel.
“So you have been seeing Park Shin Hye Xi,” said Chanyeol as he poured sake into his hyung’s glass, “sorry I peeked a little.”
“Nah, we are only good friends,” said Tae Joon.
“Haha so hyung has also been friend-zoned,” said Chanyeol, “‘Cause I can tell from the way you texted her. Doesn’t seem to be just friends.”
“Also? As the same as you?” teased Tae Joon, “I thought we are not talking about you tonight.”
Chanyeol took a sip from the ceramic sake cup on his hand and refilled for the two of them. “She told me that we should be supportive sunbae-hoobae,” said Chanyeol downheartedly. 
“Ah it’s not my first time hearing this speech," said Tae Joon knowingly.
“Really? Park Shin Hye Xi said the same thing to you?”
“Can’t blame her. We graduated from the same college. We are literally sunbae-hoobae.”
“So... Just like that?”
“I know Shin Hye for so long. She is capable and independent. She is in need of no one. She sees me as one of her best friends. What more can I ask for?”
“And you can settle to be merely her best friend forever?”
“Both of us are not in desperate need of being in a relationship. I can be patient and be content to be her best friend for the time being, the one she would go to when she needs help or counsel.”
"I'd say you are much luckier than me in this unfortunate scenario, hyung. I am not her best friend and she would never come to me when she needs help or counsel." 
"Then I'd say you have still a lot to catch up to. You are not even in the friend zone from what I heard so far! Be her friend before you feel defeated of being friend-zoned, okay?"
"Damn. How am I suppose to do that?"
"Seriously, how do we continue this conversation if you are determined not to tell me who she is?"
"Should I? I mean I haven't told anybody, not even Sehun."
"I would say that's only courtesy now to disclose this important piece of information to me since you found out about my intention towards Shin Hye." 
"That's fair," said Chanyeol, "I can only say that she's one of my labelmates."
"That narrows things down A LOT. Your company only got... what? less than 20 active female idols so far?"
"You do the math."
“Ah so both of you are active idols. That would complicate things. I am sure you have someone more experienced to go to for this kind of advice within your own group or agency.”
“Believe it or not. This is a really sensitive issue within my group because of you know what happened. And who would volunteer to their sunbaenims the fact that they have been rejected?! Really. They would probably think I deserved it.”
“Right. Let’s focus on helping you to get the girl first.”
“Says the one who has not been able to secure his girl.”
“You’ll see. I am closer to securing her heart than anybody else.”
“Is that ‘sake’ talk? Looks like I will need more of this.”

❧

She received a call while she was busy in the kitchen in her dormitory. She didn’t think of looking at the caller ID while she should. Irene unnie would scold her because, god knows, this call can be from one of their saesaengs. 
“Hello?” She used her western greetings while she cleaned her hand and picked up her phone looking at the caller ID. 
“Seungwan ah.”
“Chanyeol oppa,” she was surprised that he called at this hour, “Happy Chuseok!”
“Seungwan ah,” he was getting louder.
“Neh oppa,” she was amused, “are you drunk?”
“Seungwan ah. Tae Joon hyung wants to say hello to you.”
“Ommo? Choi Tae Joon sunbaenim?”
"Wendy Xi happy Chuseok mianae please excuse Chanyeol-lie. He had been calling everybody on his contact list just now. He did say his friend was lonely during Chuseok. I didn’t know he would call you."
"Happy Chuseok! Choi Tae Joon sunbaenim! Chanyeol oppa is very thoughtful. I am usually alone during Chuseok because my members all went home to see their families."
"Oh no I am sorry to hear that."
"It’s alright. I had dinner with my manager unnie’s tonight. I have been well taken care of."
"I am glad to know about this. I hope we would be properly introduced to each other some other time."
"Neh thank you so much sunbaenim."