Jessica looked at the divorce papers in her hands. Is she going to give up her seven years marriage for him? For someone who broke her heart that badly?

"Being loved is more fortunate than to love." She pondered at this saying. She thought she was wise to marry a man who loved her more than she loved him seven years ago. She had spent the last seven years wanting to love him. Yes, she had feelings for him. Yes, she cared for him. But, she could never love him like the way he loved her, the same way that she had loved before. She was no longer capable of loving anyone that way any more because she had given her heart away long ago.

She could not have coped with the pressure of her father's illness, his eventual death, and the massive burden of running of the inherited corporation without his encouragement and support. He was there when she needed someone to talk to. He gave her the care that someone had refused to give. She was touched by him and so she finally agreed to marry him. She knew he would take good care of her. She thought she could learn to love him.

He was the perfect husband. He was faithful to her. She was always his priority. Despite the fact that he was working long hours as a doctor, she never felt neglected or lonely without him. Perhaps it was because she had never really missed his absence. He always gave in to her. He had always wanted a child but he agreed not to have one because she did not want one. She may not like kids very much, but she knew deep down in her heart that she did not want one with him because she didn't love him enough to want to bear his child.

Although she knew how much he loved her, she never had the confidence that their marriage would last forever. She always told herself that it would come one day when the feeling would be gone and they would go their separate ways. Just like the way someone had walked out of her life so ruthlessly before.

She felt that she was betraying him by loving another so deeply. She knew at this instant that she could not continue living with him. Her guilt was suffocating her. It was crystal clear to her who she really loved now. She knew she owe this man an explanation. He would not be able to move on without knowing why she had left him, just like she had been before.

She looked the man before her. It was not the same man who she had known. He seemed to have added several years to his face overnight. He was unshaven and his shirt was crumbled and tucked out. This was not the neat and immaculate man that she had known. Her heart ached to see him in this state. She never had the intention to hurt him that badly.

She took his hands into hers. He sniffled. "I just want you to know it's not your fault at all. You have not done anything wrong. The problem lies with me." she said softly to him. "Please understand that love cannot be forced. I do care about you but it would not be right if I'm with you and my heart is with someone else." He looked up at her with his red eyes. "Sorry, I can't tell you who he is." She knew what he wanted to know. "Please pull yourself together. You will find someone who is better than me, who will love you wholeheartedly. If you don't mind, I hope we can still be friends." She paused for his response but received none. She let go of his hands.

He quickly pulled her hands back and pleaded with her, "Please don't go. I don't mind not being the one who you love most. It's good enough for me to be the one who love you most." He had touched her again, her eyes glazed. "I know you are the one who love me most. But I can't live with my guilt for not being able to love you just as much, and worse for being in love with someone else even more. Please forgive me." she replied him regretfully.

She hugged him tightly for a long while. She finally let go of him and she gave him a light kiss on the lips. "I am really sorry." she finally said to him. She placed the envelope with the divorce papers and house keys on the table. She walked out of the apartment door one last time and closed it softly.

(02.05.2007)